"Vengeance Is Mine!"
Disclaimer: Ranma 1/2 and the characters associated with it belong to Rumiko Takahashi and whomever she has sold the rights to. This work of fanfiction is not intended for monetary gain, but was written just for the fun of it.
Author's note: This is a spam fic, therefore it is not to be taken seriously. You have been warned. Contains things that warrant an 'M' rating, which is why it's rated 'M'. You have been warned. This is what happens when I see certain themes in fanfiction getting repeated what I think is just a little too often. You have been warned.
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Ryoga Hibiki stood over the defeated form of his greatest enemy. At last, he had beaten Ranma Saotome. The fact that he'd slipped Ranma enough barbiturates to kill a herd of elephants before the match didn't take away from the pride he'd felt. Or the relief, because the fight had been far tougher than he'd planned.
But he'd had to do it. Ranma had to pay for almost getting Akane killed during the whole Saffron thing. Therefore the battle had been beyond such concepts as 'fair play' or 'honor' or 'sanity' or 'safety of bystanders'. No, this had been a set up from the get go. The assistance he'd received from Nabiki had been worth every yen and every beefcake picture she'd demanded of him.
Looking down on Ranma's unconscious form, Ryoga chuckled.
"heh heh heh..."
It quickly developed into a laugh.
"Ha ha ha ha Hah."
From there it degenerated into malevolent cackling and rubbing of hands.
"Bwah hah HAH! Bwah hah hah Hah HaaH HAAAAAH!"
Then came the coughing fit.
"Huh... huh... uuuhhh... uuh..." Gasp, hack, cough, wheeze, INHALE.
After two deep steady breaths, Ryoga got ready for his big declaration.
"VENGEANCE IS MINE!" Ryoga shouted loud enough to confuse comic book fans on two continents.
After the declaration, Ryoga thought about exactly what sort of revenge he had obtained. It wasn't much. He'd beat up Ranma. Big deal. People, including himself, had beaten Ranma before. The problem was that Ranma wouldn't stay beaten. In fact, as soon as drugs wore off and Ranma woke up, there was no doubt that he would be after Ryoga like a shot. Without either a new move (which he didn't have), more drugs (which would be very difficult to administer even if he had them) or one big boatload of luck (hey, it could happen) Ryoga's prospects in a rematch were dim at best.
Despite his many faults, Ryoga couldn't kill someone in cold blood. He'd been exposed to the temptation before and it was a line that he would not cross. So Ranma's life was safe. But there were plenty of other lines that he wouldn't even slow down for prior to obliterating them.
Ryoga pulled Ranma's unconscious form into a secluded place, took his canteen from his pack and dropped his pants.
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Ranma opened his eyes and slowly resolved the world around him. He was still by the forest cliff where he'd fought Ryoga. He could tell from all the Bakusai Tenketsu shattered boulders. He was sore in several places from temple to chest to back to groin, or since he was in female form for some reason, crotch.
Ryoga had cleaned his clock, no doubt about it. With 20/20 Saotome hindsight, Ranma realized there had been something in the water besides water that he'd drunk in the chugging contest before the fight. Ranma struggled to his feet and fell down immediately. A few more failed attempts were enough to convince him to just lie there for a while.
With nothing for his body to do, his mind came up with, 'When I get my hands on that bastard, I'm gonna make stir fry out of him. No, I'm gonna have Akane make stir fry out of him. That way nobody will eat it.'
Ranma drifted off to sleep with a vague smile on his, well her, face.
The next time Ranma awoke, he'd recovered sufficiently to sufficiently to make it home. It was late Saturday night/early Sunday morning, when Ranma dragged his (her) ass into the spacious Tendo bathroom. He set the furo to filling with hot water while he sat down, lathered himself and dumped a bucket of cold water over his head. Shocked fully awake, he finished rinsing off as the water level in the furo climbed.
Finally, Ranma stepped into the oversized tub and settled in to enjoy his hot soak. Unfortunately, he didn't revert to male form. Ranma suppressed a scream of outrage so as not to wake the rest of the house. With both his parents living with the Tendos until the repairs on their own home were complete, the need to remain calm and quiet outweighed the need to shout, scream or perform other unproductive demonstrations. ("Any day now," the contractors said. Which was the exact same thing they'd said every day for the last two weeks.)
'Ryoga musta threw some kinda whammy on me. Herb had the locking ladle when I saw him in China, so I bet this is sumthin else. Guess I'll havta check in with the old ghoul today. That's gonna suck.'
At breakfast, Genma, being Genma, made comments on how weak his son was for being defeated under any circumstance whatsoever. Soun fished his unconscious panda body out of the koi pond a few seconds later. Nodoka, being Nodoka, made a comment that being trapped in a female body was a major obstacle on the road to manliness. Ranma made no response to this, but did note that perhaps his father had dragged him on so many training journeys for a reason. The more he dealt with his mother, the less mothering he wanted.
Kasumi was supportive, but that wasn't a surprise. Nabiki gloated. Also not a surprise, even though Ranma was unaware of her part in Ryoga's temporary victory. Akane didn't gloat, but was far from anything that resembled being supportive. Ranma had come to realize that Akane did love him, in a way, but that love was strongly oriented toward his male side. His female side just weirded her out too much. It was what made the loss of the Nannichuan at the wedding so painful.
Although the Jusenkyo Guide had indicated that the springs had returned, their magic hadn't quite made it back to 'normal'. The cask Ranma had been given (and that Happosai drank) was from Nannichuan set aside before the flood to make Instant Nannichuan powder. Water newly taken from what had been the Nannichuan wasn't doing anything to the test animals other than getting them wet. Either the magic would return on its own or there would have to be another tragic story before Ranma could obtain a cure.
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It wasn't a cure that Ranma sought as he entered the Cat Cafe, it was a return to the status quo. Unfortunately, he wasn't the only person seeking that.
"Ai- Ranma! Shampoo so so happy to see you. Not think Ranma come back to Cat Cafe again," the Jusenkyo cursed Amazon warrior said with something resembling relief in her voice. After what was commonly referred to as 'The Wedding Fiasco', a deal had been struck. Shampoo would not refer to Ranma as her husband, Ranma would keep Kodachi from using her family's influence to have the Joketzu tribeswoman deported. It was a complete bluff on Ranma's part, but he had learned something from Nabiki's treatment of him over the last year.
Cologne was aware that Ranma was bluffing, but didn't object for reasons of her own. It had something to do with Shampoo's questionable performance during the whole Saffron affair. Getting captured and brainwashed by the enemy meant that even if Ranma Saotome could be brought into the Joketzu, perhaps Shampoo wasn't the best person he could marry.
"Uh... Hi Shampoo," Ranma said nervously. While he was grateful that Shampoo no longer called him 'Airen', the change was still recent enough to worry him. "Is Cologne here?" he asked.
That was another thing. He would think 'Old Ghoul', but he stopped using those words when Cologne stopped referring to him as 'son in law'.
"You wished to see me?" came a voice from just behind Ranma's ear. Whirling in surprise, Ranma caught the smile on the aged Amazon leader. Nearly laughing at look on Ranma's face, she added, "Having an off day? You're normally much more aware than that."
Deciding not to engage in verbal sparring, Ranma got straight to the point. "Had a fight with Ryoga yesterday. I'm pretty sure he drugged me first so I lost. When I woke up, I was female and when I tried to change back last night, I didn't."
As she led Ranma to a table, Cologne said, "You seem to be taking it pretty well."
Ranma shrugged and replied, "I've got stuck before. After the first few times, ya stop panickin' about it. Just tell me what's causin' it so I know what I havta beat out of Ryoga."
"And what would I receive for telling you?" Cologne asked as she balanced on top of her staff.
"Huh?" Ranma grunted.
"Come now," Cologne replied casually. "With the... situation... between you and my granddaughter currently in abeyance, you certainly don't expect me to assist you out of the goodness of my heart."
The change in the Amazon dynamic forced Ranma to think. "Fair enough," he eventually said. "I'll do a week's worth of waitressing. How's that?"
"I do not wish to subject Shampoo to the stress your presence would cause," Cologne answered calmly. "So make it a week's worth of work outside the restaurant and two sparring sessions with Mousse."
"Outside the C-C-Cat Cafe? What do you-"
"I'll think of something young man."
"And two sparring sessions with Mousse?" Ranma asked seeking confirmation.
"Of at least two hours duration."
Ranma thought of asking why, then realized the Cologne probably wouldn't tell him unless he worked and/or sparred more. So he took the easy way out. "Deal."
After they discussed the fight with Ryoga in detail, Cologne pulled a pencil and pad from her robes and scribbled quickly. "Very well. Monday after school, go directly to Keio Hospital in Shinjuku. Go to the Oncology department on the third floor and find Doctor Xixian Zong. Give her this slip and do whatever she tells you."
"Don't ya have some ancient Amazon technique that'll tell ya why I'm stuck?" Ranma asked.
"Young man, I am assisting you to the best of my ability. Do not make me regret doing so," Cologne replied.
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Four days passed. Slowly. The one major plus was that Ranma's parents had moved back into their own home. The down side was the longer he remained stuck in girl form, the more Akane distanced herself from Ranma. Of Ryoga, there was no trace. Kasumi had called Akari, ostensibly to swap recipes, and found out that Ryoga hadn't been seen at the Unryu farm for over a week.
Ranma was quite glad when Cologne called him to the Cat Cafe Thursday afternoon to discuss the results of Ranma's bloodwork.
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Shampoo was out making deliveries, Mousse was off to pick up certain supplies from vendors who didn't deliver and Cologne had put up the 'Closed for private event' sign when Ranma walked in.
"Were you not who you are, you would be dead," Cologne said once Ranma seated himself.
"Huh?"
Cologne waved a piece of paper covered with arcane medical symbols. "This you idiot. You say Ryoga drugged you on Saturday. You walked in here Sunday under your own power and had your blood tests done Monday afternoon."
"So?"
"You had enough curare and digitalis in your system to kill a normal man three times over. And that was two days after the fact you..." Words failed her. "The initial dose must have been enormous."
"Well yeah. I kinda figured that," Ranma admitted.
"Well, for reasons that I cannot fathom, your heart didn't stop and your skeletal muscles continued to function." The continuing internal battle over whether to bring Ranma Saotome into the Joketzu had received a major push when Cologne had started reading the results. Someone, even a male, capable of surviving such an attack had genes the Joketzu needed.
"So why am I stuck as a girl?" Ranma asked.
"Oh that's easy." Cologne pointed to a small note at the bottom of the results page. "You're pregnant."
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End part 1
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Author's notes, round 2: I don't know if I'll continue this. If I do, it'll get a lot darker than I normally like to write. Multiple murders dark. A spam fic isn't supposed to be dark is it?
Thing is, I've been seeing a lot of "somebody gets pregnant" fics lately and the one thing that they've had in common is that no matter what the circumstances are, rape, accident or whatnot, no one ever considers an abortion. At least not for more than three seconds. Of such things are story ideas formed.