Voice of Picard: Captain's Log Stardate...um...I forget...Oh well! Is it really that important? I mean, we're out in space so who cares what day it is? I know I don't! Anyway, we are enroute to Un Important Plan Et V to pick up another one of those stupid ambassadors...
Unimportant Crewmember filling in for Worf: (Holds his hands in front of his eyes)Uh...Captain, sir...your head is blinding me.
Picard: Do I look like I care? Go to sickbay!
{Unimportant crewmember leaves. Soon, a very threatening alien ship appears on the viewscreen.}
Troi: Captain! I sense a very threatening alien ship!
Picard: Oh, shut up! I can see that! Why wasn't I informed ahead of time?
Riker: Nobody's at Tactical to tell you, sir.
Picard: Oh...of course. Well, hail them and give our complete surrender.
Riker: Maybe we should fire at them, sir.
Data: It would not work. All systems such as warp, impulse, shields, and weapons were conveniently shut down during a diagnostic so that we could have a plot.
Picard: We're doomed!
{Picard curls up under his chair and sucks his thumb}
Wesley: I believe I have a solution, sir. If we tap the energy of a nearby sun, reroute it through the power matrix conduit and turn the wires upside down, we can convert it to power to move the Enterprise into warp.
Picard: (Stares blankly into space)Uh...make it so.
Data: Done.
{Magnificent shot of the Enterprise moving to warp.}
Riker: There goes that plotline!
{Usual intro pictures}
Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. It's continuing mission: to explore strange, new worlds; to seek out new lives and new civilizations; to boldly go where no one has gone before!
{Troi is in Ten Forward talking to Riker. Worf comes in, holding onto a cat by its tail. Data immediately gets up and rushes towards Worf.}
Riker: So, now that our plot is gone, what are we going to do for the rest of this episode?
{Worf, in background, is attempting to get Guinan to cook the cat. Data is arguing with him.}
Troi: I guess we'll have to wait for the scriptwriters to make a new plot.
{Worf and Data start to fight as the cat starts to attack people in Ten Forward}
Troi: (Falls to the ground, writhing in agony) Pain! Agony! Hurt! Death! Pain! PAIN! Help! Pain! Pain!
Riker: (Slaps his communicator a little too hard and starts to cough while Troi still rolls around on the floor) Riker (Cough) to sick bay! (Cough! Cough!) Medical emergency!
Voice of Beverly: I would hardly call a cough a medical emergency, Will.
Riker: Deanna is writhing on the floor in agony! Help!
{In sick bay, Troi lies unconscience on a medical bed while Beverly uses little medical whatsits on her. Wesley stands off to one side along with Riker. Picard enters and there's a flash of light.}
Camera guy: Hey, Patrick! Wouldja mind moving your head? We're getting a glare!
{You can see the same scene but with Picard glaring at the camera guy.}
Picard: What's her condition, Bev - I mean - Doctor?
Beverly: (Covers her eyes as Picard leans over to look at Troi) Jean-Luc! I'm getting blinded!
Picard: Oh, sorry. (Takes a medical cloth and places it on his head)
Beverly: Thank you. I don't know what's wrong with her. Emotional overload, I guess.
Wesley: I have an idea. Maybe there's an evil telepath on board who is sending Troi horrible feelings and she's gotten overloaded by all of the -
Troi: (Wakes up) Pain! Agony! Help! Pain! PAIN!
{Beverly give Troi another sedative.}
Riker: If that were true, how would we find this telepath?
Wesley: I knew you would ask that so I found him myself. I reversed the inner sensor input to match the harmonic frequency at which birds fly while I stood on my head yelling incomprehensible garbage. I took the liberty of putting the person in the brig and scheduling him to be executed in about 5 minutes.
Picard: Oh...
Riker: There goes another plot!
{Spot, Data's cat, is seen wandering the halls of the Enterprise. As Picard walks by, Spot hisses and jumps at him. Unfortunately, Spot doesn't know how to put his claws back in so he sticks to Picard's pant leg. Picard tries to shake it off, but it doesn't work. He shrugs and keeps moving.}
{Picard enters bridge. Riker pats his head and Picard quickly removes the medical cloth with he had put there. An overwhelming amount of light is produced.}
Riker: Sir, I meant for you to keep it on!
Picard: Oh...
{Picard puts the medical cloth back on his head and walks to his chair. He pulls down on his uniform, but unfortunately, the stitches break and his pants fall down, leaving him standing in his "I surrender!" underwear. Blushing he pulls his pants up and sits down.}
Data: Captain, why is my cat attached to your leg?
Wesley: That isn't your cat, Data! It's a Romulan spy trying to gather information about the Federation! Aren't I right Mr. Spy?
Spot/Spy: You're right! You caught me! You win! Go ahead and kill me!
Riker: There goes another plotline.
{Gene Rodenberry appears}
Gene: Sorry, guys, but that was my last plot. We're going to have to cancel the show.
Picard: Fine! We surrender!
Riker: Does that mean I can get this dorky smirk off my face?
Troi: Disappointment! Concerns about salary! Curiosity about where the captain got his undies!
Gene: Sorry, but Wesley just keeps solving everything. We can't think of a good plot that he can't solve.
Worf: I have an idea of how this can be fixed without canceling the show.
Everybody but Worf: How?
Worf: I will show you.
{Worf picks Wesley up and throws him against the wall. Then he takes his phaser out and shoots, killing Wesley. Everybody claps.}
NEXT TIME, ON AN ALL NEW EPISODE OF STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION!
Ominous voice: You thought he was dead...but he isn't.
Troi: Oh my god, no!
Picard: I can't believe it! (Stands up, quickly catching his pants as they fall)
Beverly: You mean he's not dead? I think I'm gonna kill myself!
Wesley: Hi, guys! I'm baaaaaack!(Imitates the little girl from "Poltergeist" Saying "They're here")
ON THE NEXT, STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION!!!