Title: The Growing Pains of Draco Malfoy: Age 16
Author: Emily
Rating: PG-13
Author's Note: Thankyou once again to all of my wonderful reviewers: Novalee Sims, Laina3, skybluepink, heart of chocolate, Terrasina Dragonwheel, eX Driver Liz, lauren, Michaela, Smudged, MoosiesRule, angelbear, My Butt hurts (i'm very sorry to hear that), meheeners, Zoid5, kittybro, AnitaBlake/BuffyFan, Kiah, FemmeDraconis, Vanyaria Darkshadow, Eienvine, NotYourAverageSchoolGirl, Necrocora, Krystal1989
I'm very sorry about the long wait the updaye (over a week!) been very, very busy. I had a parade to march in, six newspaper work nights, and I had to babysit three times. Also, I have a job interview today! (dances wildly) The job is at the concessions stand at the local movie theater, it's going to be kickass. In fact, it's going to be so kickass, it will kick it's own ass.
Also, on a sadder note, Richard Kelly. net announced about 15 new date for showings of Donnie Darko: Director's Cut and none of them are anywhere close to me. Neither are any Green Day concerts. Go buy their new cd, it's awesome.
Also, when it comes out, buy Donnie Darko: Director's Cut. It's going to be so kickass it will also kick it's own ass. Yes, I said it twice.
Saturday November 23rd
It rained today. Did absolutely nothing for my mood. The big oaf, Hagrid, made me fix the lightening rod on his house during the storm. I suspect there is a plot against my life. Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger threw pebbles at me from the ground.
I accidentally knocked a few shingles down in their direction. It did not to much to damage their spirit. They just threw bigger rocks.
Sunday November 24th
Quidditch practice this morning, my first since I returned to school. It was dead foggy; Crabbe crashed into the grandstands. He was sent to the hospital with a broken rib. I must make him a card.
Derrick is getting out of hand. These game faces are obviously not working. They lost to Ravenclaw during my abscence. Ravenclaw! I never thought I would say this, but I miss Marcus Flint. He may have smelled like boiled cabbage and talking in three word sentences, but at least he knew how to win!
Monday November 25th
It is official, I have been kicked off of the Quidditch team.
This morning after practice, Derrick was berating me for not putting enough muscle into my facial expressions. I told him to sod off and his spat at me! Spat! Disgusting. I'm not surprised if he's ruined my new Dragonskin boots!
At anyrate, Diable came to my defense. He yowled and hissed and scratched up Derrick face beyond recognition. Unfortunately, Derrick has a rather good pitching arm. You should have seen the poor cat fly, diary!
I yelled that nobody hurts my kitty and attacked Derrick with all my strength. Goyle had to pull me off! I was officially kicked off the team by McGonagall about thirty seconds later, but the plus side is that Derrick is having trouble seeing out of his left eye and they've got to find a new captain. I am the people's hero! I have saved them from their slaving days! The end justifies the means, my friend.
Diable is well also. Landed on his feet. What a lovely cat. He has been a bit discombobulated tonight, however. I must take him to Madam Pomfrey.
Tuesday November 26th
Snape called me into his office after class this morning. I was dead frightened to enter; I had heard tales of children going into his quarters and never coming out again. I overheard Terry Boot crying into Blaise's sweater (it's sure to shrink) and whining about how horrible it is. She needs a real man, one that knows how to treat cotton-polyester blends. But alas, I am content with my Ginny. She is very warm and gives me her desert. It must be love!
Goyle told me that he once heard of a student named Alexander Drenson. Apparently he was called into Snape's office and from the hall everyone could hear shouts of "Help! Please!" and Snape yelling back, "It'll only hurt a bit!"
Although I have never heard of this Alexander Drenson, I decided that Goyle wouldn't lie to me and was very wary upon entrance.
It was only a meeting about my recent expullsion from the Slytherin team. He said that it was announced at the Great Feast that every student must have an extracurricular activity in order to graduate. I argued that I had not heard this rule and I was most certainly at the great feast.
Snape said that maybe I would have heard if I hadn't been shoving my face with sweets.
...did he just call me fat? In an offhand way, of course, but still! Me, fat? Never!
However, just to be on the safe side, I have decided to create a training regime so that in a short while I may become a perfect specimen of health and wellness.
Wednesday November 27th
Asked Goyle if he thought I was gaining a bit of weight. He grunted in response.
He grunted.
What does a grunt mean?
WHAT DOES A GRUNT MEAN?
Implimented my new training regimine today. It goes as follows: 600 sit-ups; 300 push-ups; 100 pull-ups using the Slytherin common room mantle.
I will be looking snazzy and fit in no time.
Thursday November 28th
I have made a few changes to my plan: 300 sit-ups; 100 push-ups; 16 pull-ups. It may take a bit longer, but I am sure results will pop up in a bit.
Friday November 29th
I have worked out the kinks of my regimine: 17 sit-ups; 12 push-ups; 10 pull-ups.
Saturday November 30th
3 sit-ups; 2 push-ups; 1 pull-up.
Sunday December 1st
Today I ate three chocolate bars, a marmelade cake, and a bowl of spotted dick. I am disgusted with myself.
Also, Hagrid made me clean his windows with a toothbrush. There must be centuries of grime on those panes! It was cruel and unusual punishment, that's what it was!
Monday December 2nd
Asked Ginny if I was fat today. She grabbed the tiniest bit of fat from my tummy and jiggled it around. I stormed out. We are no longer on speaking terms.
Snape stopped me in the hall and asked how my search for an extracurricular was coming along. I said that I would get to it when I was good and ready. Snape recommended that I volunteer to be his personal assistment. I respectfully declined; the job entailed washing his laundary. That's what houseelves are for!
Hermione Granger is trying to start a liberation front for oppressed gay and bisexual houseelves. At least that's what I gathered from the information packet. Goyle seemed very interested. Is he perhaps an activist in disguise? The club is called W.A.G.H.O. It's not even a word! Raven suggested I join as my extracurricular. I declined. I would rather not spend anymore time in a room with Hermione Granger than possible. I might get lost in her hair!
Tuesday December 3rd
Ginny gave me a chocolate frog today. We are speaking to eachother again. She also loaned me a quill in Muggle Studies. She is so generous! Can't say that of Goyle however, he never gives me a chocolate frog.
Went and tried to join the Wizard's Chess Club. I decided against it however. I told McGonagall, the moderator, that the violence was to much for me. She looked at me for a moment a laughed, shouting "Violence! Ha! Draco Malfoy is a pacisfist! Ha!"
What is a pacisfist? Is it an insult? I pust Neville Longbottom's toad in her soup, just in case it was. Still on my hunt for an extracurricular.
Wednesday December 4th
Sat in on a meeting of the Broom Enthusiast club. Not what I expected. Left very quickly.
Thursday December 5th
Tried to go to a Dumbledore's Army meeting but Harry Potter refused. He said I was evil and the point of the club was to fight evil, therefore, he should be giving me a bloody nose right now. I told him it was discrimination and he opened up.
It was dead boring. I sat at the back and tried to touch Ginny's leg, but she kept slapping my hand away. Harry Potter rambled on and on about how evil everyone but him must be while Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger nodded and said things like "Yeah!" and "Harry, may we kiss your feet?"
It was disgusting.
I think I will join.
Friday December 6th
Now with my extracurricular activity out of the way. I am free to enjoy myself. I think I will try my regimine again. Made an appointment with Madam Pomfrey for Diable. He is not his usual cunning self. He ran into a wall yesterday. I am dead worried.
Saturday December 7th
Tried to do a pull-up. Broke the mantle in the Slytherin Common room. Snape was dead mad. I am playing innocent. I have told him Terry Boot did it. Snape looked happy. All is well.
Sunday December 8th
Terry Boot has received ten detentions with Snape for "breaking the mantle". He cried on the Slytherin couch for two hours. Doesn't he have a common room of his own?
Monday December 9th
Woke up in a dead bad mood. Perhaps because it is raining and Raven woke me up by pushing me out of bed. Whatever the reason is, I am taking it out on everyone else. Marietta Edgecomb dropped a book and I threw it out the window andDiable clawed Cho Chang's heal. It was dead funny. She jumped up and down like a circus clown on a trampoline.
Snuck an extra mushroom in Harry and Ron Weasley's potion. It blew up. They no longer have eyebrows. They have been glaring at me all day. Without eyebrows, it doesn't actually look like glaring, more like they have a bit of something caught in their eye. It was quite amusing.
Tripped Seamus Finnigan on the stairs. I whistled. What a lovely day!
Tuesday December 10th
Diable has run away. Usually he stays by my side constantly so he can pee on my shoe at any moment. However, I have written a poem about his disappearence. It is dead good.
He is not here, nor there, or anywhere.
He is not in the common room, he isn't in the great hall. He isn't in the bathroom. He isn't anywhere at all.
I cannot find him in a box, was he eaten by a fox? Do foxes even dare to tred here without fear of being shot dead?
It a puzzle, a perplexity, disturbing as may be? Where is my dear cat? Does Ginny really think I am fat?
A masterpiece, however, I am still a bit worried about the cat.
Wednesday December 11th
Diable has returned. He was looking very smug about himself. He left a very warm return gift in my bed. It was disgusting. I put it in a box marked To Blaise, From Terry Boot
Perhaps I shouldn't have put his last name on the tag. After all, how many Terry's are prancing around this castle?
Wednesday December 12th
Morning: Was awoken by Blaise's frantic screams. Went back to bed very content.
Afternoon: Went down for breakfast. Found Terry Boot running out the door, covered in banana pudding while Blaise shouted for him to run like the little coward he was. What a marvelous day!
Dinner: Ginny tried to sit at the Slytherin table at dinner tonight. It was dead nice, until the Gryffindor's rioted and carried her back to her own table. She left her desert. I gave it to the giant squid; I need not the temptation.
Thursday December 13th
Giant squid was sick all over the bank yesterday. I think it might have been the treacle, but I am not sure. Hagrid was made to clean it up and Harry Potter helped him. I watched while sitting on a lawnchair and sipping lemonade. How's that for karmic retribution?
The giant squid keeps glaring at me, if that is possible. I told it I was sorry and I didn't know he was allergic to treacle. There's not exactly a sign saying Don't Feed the Wild Squids, is there?
At dinner, Ginny and I tried to eat with the Hufflepuffs. They are a bit daft.
"Oy, who are you?" said one of the smaller ones. "You're not a Hufflepuff, are you?"
"I'm Cedric Diggory, you fool," I told him, stealing a piece of his chicken. Ginny stamped my foot. She told me later that it is disrespectful to pose as a dead person.
"I thought he was dead," a seventh year mused.
"I was...I came back to life. You know magic,"
"Oh...oh, yes, of course!" they all chimed in. "Ressurection, we know that trick!"
"He does have blond hair," another answered. Everyone nodded and I asked for their deserts. It was about that time that the Gryffindor's carried Ginny off again and my own Slytherin's captured me. I was chided for a good hour about the dangers of sitting with Hufflepuffs. Apparently, their blockheadedness is contagious.
Crabbe said he knew how I felt. Raven was stuck sitting with those bookworms, the Ravenclaws. I wish to rock the establisment. Why does everyone discriminate against interhousial relationships?
Friday December 14th
I was tormented in Muggle Studies for not paying proper attention. How can I concentrate when Christmas is upon us and I have yet to buy a gift for Ginny? I suppose I will make her something. Maybe a clay pot or a card. With lots of glitter. Or, I could give her back the lip balm I borrowed a month ago. That would do!
Saturday December 15th
Crabbe and I are genius's! We snuck into Snape's classroom around three this morning and lugged up one of the potions tables to the great hall. It now sits between Gyffindor and Slytherin. It is a safe haven for those of us with intohousial relationships!
Later: McGonagall told us we can't just steal a table from a classroom, that it's unethical. I asked her when ethics had ever been a problem before and tried to slip her a galleon, but she wouldn't have it. She told me she is above bribery. Ha! Nobody is above bribery!
Sunday December 16th
We were forced to give back the table and Snape was very indignant about it, very indignant indeed! We did give it back, no skin off of his back! Today is Hogsmeade, so I am quite jovial. Ginny and I went Christmas shopping. I bought her one of those ginormous suckers at the candy shop. She seemed very appreciative. I told she had better be, because it was she was getting out of me for Christmas. She "accidentally" got it stuck in my hair. It was horrible! McGonagall almost had to cut it out when we found her in the bookstore. Harry Potter and his lackeys stood behind and laughed. I tried to hex them, but McGonagall just kept tugging on my hair, harder and harder, so I tried not to anger her too much.
Monday December 17th
Ginny has invited me to stay at her house during Christmas vacation. I have agreed, only because I would love to the look on her Mum's face when I walk in the door!
A/N: I decided that the review questions went over so well the first time that I might as well continue. Here we go!
1) Is Draco's poetry getting better (meaning worse) or worse (meaning he actually sounds like a poet)?
2) Is Draco fat?
3) Does Terry Boot get a bit to much punishment?
4) Do you think that Snape is too squicky?
5) How do you think Molly will react when Draco Malfoy comes walking into her house?
6) What is your favorite joke?