Don't Call Us, We'll Call You!
A fanfic by Setsumi-san
Disclaimer: I don't own Shaman King.
Quotable quotes: "The best I've seen, Ma'am. Hardly any rats." –Jack Dawson on the conditions of Steerage boat class, Titanic
Setsumi-san: When all else fails, crack a joke. This is something I'm doing in this sidestory for you all. -
Mari: It's about time. Mari was bored and wanted to prank call more people.
Setsumi-san: You only had to wait for a day or two.
Mari: Mari is not very patient. Let's hurry and start!
Setsumi-san: You heard the lady. Read, review, and enjoy!
Chapter One: Macchi's Big Discovery
Two words could be used to summarize the past three days in Patch Village: hot and dull. The Great Spirit hadn't given instructions to anyone for quite some time. This gave everyone a chance to relax, train, or; in the case of Asakura Hao's minions; be bored out of their skulls. After all, why bother to train for anything when they had such a powerful leader? There was nothing to do but hang around camp under the scorching desert sun.
This was especially true for the Hanagumi. The girls always had one member who was bored on a regular basis, but now all three were slowly going nuts as the week dragged on its belly like a snake. Kanna Bismarch had been smoking under the shade of a cliff for an hour and was starting to feel sick. Marion Phauna was sipping from a canteen with Chuck by her side looking sleepy. Matilda Matisse had walked off somewhere in a desperate search for entertainment. It was beginning to eat away at them.
Kanna put out her latest cigarette, sighed, and asked, "Should we go find Macchi? It's been a while since she left."
"Mari doesn't care," Mari grumbled, "Mari's too tired to stand up and has been trying to take a nap for an eternity."
"So take one," Kanna said.
"It's too hot to sleep," Mari explained.
Before their conversation could continue Macchi was spotted running across the wasteland toward her teammates looking like an Olympic Torchbearer. She waved a mysterious rectangular object excitedly back and forth for all to see.
"Oh boy, Oh boy, Oh boy, Oh boy, Oh boy!" came her eager chant.
She would've kept on if Kanna hadn't stuck out a hand for her to slam into. The carrot-topped girl landed flat on her butt with an ugly grunt.
"What was that for?" she asked crossly.
"That was for being your hyperactive self and irritating me. What's got you so excited?" Kanna replied. Macchi got up, dusted herself off, and stuck out her tongue.
"Hmph! I was going to tell both of you, but it seems you'd rather be making smart remarks! Let's just say Hao-sama has given me and me alone a very important job!" she snapped.
"Huh? Why only you? Hao-sama never gives each of us separate missions," Mari said curiously.
"Mari's right; you're lying," Kanna agreed.
"I am not! I walked past the spot where he and Opacho were sitting while I was looking for something to do and he gave me a really important title. I'm the keeper of a super secret magical item now, so nyah!" she taunted.
"Mari interested. Show this thing to her," the blonde insisted.
"Don't tell me you believe her!" Kanna snapped incredulously.
"You should listen to Mari. Just because you're the oldest and the Team Captain doesn't mean you're all high and mighty," Macchi said haughtily.
She picked up whatever she'd been carrying earlier and stuffed it in her pocket.
"I'll show it to you, Mari, 'cause only the Keeper and Hao-sama have the power to let anybody know what this is or use it. That means 'No Kannas allowed! Fine for trespassing is a thousand dollars!' " she emphasized.
The Hanagumi's leader growled while Mari got up and formed a two-person huddle with Macchi. The factors of the weather, the boredom, and standing ankle deep in cigarette butts made a perfect combo platter of annoyance. However, after five minutes of whispers passed even she began to get curious. Trying to be inconspicuous, she shuffled a few inches closer and tilted her head slightly to eavesdrop.
She heard Mari's voice say, "It's musical?"
"Hai, it is as far as I can tell. If I push the buttons in the right combination it plays different songs," was Macchi's reply.
"What's the combination?"
"I don't know. I got it right once, but forgot it."
Musical? Does she have some kind of mystical instrument? Kanna thought. She leaned towards them more.
"…And he really couldn't burn it? Mari doesn't believe you."
"Ask him yourself! Do you think he would've kept it if the Spirit of Fire couldn't burn this thing?"
"No…"
What the hell…? This thing survived the Spirit of Fire! Kanna mentally yelped.
"Mari has the wibbles… You shouldn't touch that evil human thing; it'll pollute your soul!"
Human! Hao-sama got interested in something humans use! thought the oldest girl. A mix of shock and sheer terror slowly poured over her like pancake batter.
"It won't pollute my s- What the heck are the wibbles?"
"It's the feeling your body gets when you're faced with something really spooky."
"Oh, you mean the creeps."
This isn't something we should be toying with! Why did he give it to Macchi? she panicked.
"No, the creeps wriggle on your skin. The wibbles flutter in that empty space between your breastbone and the top of your stomach."
"That's the creeps!"
"There's a difference between the creeps and the wibbles, you dodo bird."
I bet Hao-sama doesn't even know she has this…this…whatever it is. She probably found it herself! the teen fumed.
"Don't piss on my leg and tell me it's raining. The creeps are the creeps no matter where you feel them."
"WILL YOU FORGET THE STUPID CREEPS AND TELL ME WHAT THIS THING IS!" Kanna screamed.
Everyone was silent for a second, and then Macchi grinned.
"I thought I was lying," the redhead teased.
"Okay, okay, I'm sorry. You're not lying. Will you let me see it?" Kanna said quickly.
"Well...okay!" she chirped.
"Good," Kanna replied and held out her hand.
"Wait! The fine for trespassing is a thousand dollars," she reminded her.
"You gave Kanna full consent to come on the property, so she wouldn't really be trespassing," Mari pointed out.
"Okay, let's call it an entry fee," Macchi decided.
Shing! That was the sound of Ashcroft's jousting sword swinging through the air and stopping a hair's breath away from Macchi's neck. She laughed nervously and finally showed her Captain….
…A cell phone.
"That's it? What's so magical about a cell phone?" the blue-haired girl scoffed.
"Do you remember when Hao-sama burned down a city this autumn while traveling to Patch Village?" Macchi asked.
"Which one?" Mari interjected.
"Erm," she began and then got a sheepish expression, "I can't remember. Anyway, he told me saw this phone among all the debris. It was obviously fireproof so he got curious and took it for himself. However, it frustrates him because he can only figure out how to use the voice message and number log features. When he saw me he asked if I would do him a favor and find out how it works. In return, I could use it when I wanted and give anybody else on his side permission to do so."
"Did you say it had a number log?" Mari asked.
She nodded, pressed a few buttons, and a directory appeared onscreen. All three girls inquisitively glanced at the sight.
"Who would Hao-sama want to call on a telephone?" Mari wondered aloud.
"Look! It says that you can reach the numbers of his brother, that kid with the spiky hair, and…" Macchi observed before gasping in surprise.
"…The X-laws?" Kanna finished in shock.
"Wow! Why would he want to speak to any of them?" Macchi questioned.
"Mari bets he likes to call them just so he can hang up when they answer," Mari snickered.
Macchi's eyes suddenly grew as wide as dinner plates as she got a brilliant idea.
"You're a genius, Mari!" she exclaimed.
"Mari is?" was the doll master's confused reply.
"Yeah! Why don't we call one of the X-laws just so we can bug 'em?" Macchi suggested.
"Hey, good idea! What do we say?" Kanna asked.
"Hmmm…I don't know. Maybe we could trick whomever we call by claiming we're somebody else," she proposed.
"You mean prank call them?" was the reply.
"Exactly! Do you want to go ahead with it?" Macchi said.
"Mari tsumanai. She needs to shake things up," the pigtailed girl answered.
"I'm in," Kanna agreed.
"Great! Now, who to call? Eeny, meeny, miny…Marco!" she said devilishly.
Setsumi-san: Bwahahahahaa! I've left you hanging! Oh, I'm a bad girl; I'm a very bad girl! Hohohohohohoho!
Mari: --' No more soda for you.