Hermione Plays the Dating Game
by Ami the Queen of the Evil Flying Monkeys
Disclaimer: I own nothing. I know the standard "Dating Game" only has three bachelors, but for the sake of variety, I have four.
A/N: If anyone has done something similar to this before, I do not mean to copy anyone, I just thought it would be fun to write. No infringement is intentional.
~*~
The scene opens on a small studio with huge, painted hearts plastered all over the walls, a shade dividing the room in two sections, and three stools sitting on the left side of the studio.
"Hello and welcome to the Wizard Dating Game!" a man with big hair and even bigger teeth walked out from behind a curtain, waving to the crowd. "Hi mom! I'm Gilderoy Lockhart, I remember now! Yaaaaay!"
A shoe flies out of nowhere and smacks Lockhart in the head.
"What was I saying? Oh yeah. Today we will set up a lonely witch with a... er... handsome single wizard! Hermione Granger, come on out!" Gilderoy said, gesturing grandly toward the curtain behind him. A girl with bushy brown hair steps out, looking confused.
"This isn't Flourish and Blotts.. where am I?" Hermione asked, glancing around warily at Lockhart and the near-empty studio.
"Why, you're on the Wizard Dating Game!" Lockhart said, smiling and showing off his perfectly white teeth. Hermione raised her eyebrows at him, backing away toward the curtain.
"How do I get out of this place?" Hermione demanded, feeling around in the seemingly endless set of curtains.
"You don't! You have to play the Wizard Dating Game first!" Lockhart replied, smiling and beckoning to a large, cushy chair that had just appeared in the middle of the room.
"No! No no no no! You can't make me!" Hermione cried, desperately clawing at the curtains. She stopped momentarily, pulled out her wand, and attempted to set the curtains on fire, but Lockhart plucked the wand out of her hands before she could manage a single curse.
"Sit down, Miss Granger, while I explain." Lockhart said, pushing her toward the chair. Hermione sighed heavily, sitting down in the chair wearing a look of utter disgust.
"Behind this shade, we have four eligible bachelors for you to choose from!" He paused momentarily to gesture at the shade in the middle of the studio, "You choose one, then you go on a fabulous vacation with the winner! Bachelors, come on out!"
Four shadows appeared behind the shade, sitting on the stools.
"Where the chocolate frogs am I?"
"So this is what happens when you push the star button on the fellytone..."
"CRUCIO!"
"Aaaaagh! Father!"
Hermione's eyes went wide, and she looked as if she would have a heart attack at any second. Lockhart handed her a stack of cue cards, and she reluctantly began to read from one of them.
"Bachelor number one, I love surfing...wait a minute, no I don't...I live in England for crying out loud, it's not that warm there!" Hermione exclaimed. Lockhart motioned for her to continue, and she sighed. "So tell me what you enjoy most."
"I like Quidditch, and Quidditch, and Quidditch, and occasionally saving the world, but mostly Quidditch." Bachelor number one replied.
"Okay then, Bachelor number three, imagine I am an Italian food.. what the?"
"Fine, fine. Imagine I am an Italian food, describe me."
"You're covered in zesty, thick red sauce. Red is the color of blood. Blood! I crave blood! BLOOD FROM THAT MEDDLING LITTLE POTTER BOY! BWAHAHAHAHA!" Bachelor number three cackled evilly as bachelor number one slid his stool away slowly.
Hermione paled, but continued, "Bachelor number four, my friends describe me as a meddling workaholic know-it-all...wait, you spelled 'meddling' wrong... that's better. How would your friends describe you?"
"Friends? What are these friends you speak of? Those lunkheads that are always with me? Umm, they'd probably say I'm evil, loaded, and handsome. Maybe not the handsome part, but the voice in my head counts as a friend, doesn't it?"
"Mmm-hmm." Hermione mumbled, staring down at the next cue card, "Oh, you can't be serious...."
Lockhart nodded. Hermione rolled her eyes and proceeded to read the cue card.
"Bachelor number two, describe your ideal woman and what would she... smell... like?" Hermione said plainly, shriveling her nose at the question.
"Well, she'd have bushy brown hair, brown eyes, large front teeth-except she just got rid of those, be top witch in her year, be good at almost everything, be incredibly smart, her parents would be dentists...and she'd smell like library books." Bachelor number two replied, near drooling.
Hermione nodded and felt her cheeks go pink at the description, "Bachelor number one, I have always wanted to visit Gilderoy Lockhart's...WHAT?! YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS! IT'S A LIE! A LIE!" Hermione shrieked, stopping in the middle of cue card and staring at Lockhart, looking as if she would kill him at any second if she only had her wand.
"Go on, Miss Granger." Lockhart egged her on, ignoring the vicious eye-daggers she was sending him. Hermione took a deep breath, and imagined Lockhart's head blowing up a thousand times, that made her feel much better. With a bit of disgust and embarrassment in her voice, she continued.
"Bachelor number one, I have always wanted to visit Gilderoy Lockhart's house. Where do you want to go?" Hermione said very quickly, burying her face in her hands. Lockhart beamed at her.
Bachelor number one laughed for a few minutes, then regained his composure long enough to answer the question.
"I want to go to Mars so Voldemort," he stopped, listening to the audience gasp in horror, "can't get me. I'll kill him while we're there so no one ever has to hear about him again. Then I would come back to earth and play Quidditch for England."
The audience liked what they heard, and started chanting, "NUMBER ONE, NUMBER ONE!"
"LOCKHART, LOCKHART!" Lockhart chanted, doing an odd sort of jig. Hermione groaned and read the next cue card.
"Bachelor number three, same question."
"I would want to go to Hogwarts so I can KILL HARRY POTTER! BWAHAHAHA!"
"Well, at least you have a hobby..." Hermione said sarcastically, "Bachelor number four, what is your most embarrassing moment and why?"
"Well, once in Knockturn alley I saw a little mudblood first year push over a barrel of monkeys' tails, and father ordered me to turn him into a frog, but I turned him into a toad instead!" bachelor number three replied, his face turning red.
Hermione looked annoyed and insulted by the answer, but she proceeded.
"Bachelor number two, what is your favorite food and why? These questions are getting easier and easier.." Hermione mumbled off, waiting for bachelor number two to reply.
"Chocolate frogs! They're the color of her hair and they taste yummy! I only get them a few times a year though because we can't aff--mum says too much sugar is bad for your teeth." Bachelor number two answered, the tips of his ears turning pink.
"Bachelor number one, I love to listen to music. If you were a musical instrument, what would you be and why?"
"Hmmm.. instruments can't play Quidditch, can they? This is tough. I think I would be a trumpet because I am bold and difficult to overlook.... stupid scar..." Bachelor number one replied, deep in thought.
"Bachelor number four, same question."
"I would be whatever my father tells me to be, but I'd probably be a bassoon because they sound so dark, strong, and evil." Bachelor number four said, nodding. *A/N-To anyone who doesn't know what a bassoon sounds like, they sound a little like bagpipes.*
"Bachelor number four, same question. Boy, they really like this question..." Hermione trailed off, waiting for a response.
"I would be a tuba so I can KILL HARRY POTTER! BWAHAHAHA!"
"How can tubas kill Harry Potter?" Hermione asked, raising an eyebrow.
"THEY JUST CAN!" Bachelor number three replied angrily.
"Fine, fine. You have a one-track mind, don't you? Next and, thank God, final question. Bachelor number two, same question. I'm really getting tired of this question.. stupid musical instruments..."
"I would be a clarinet so I can sing sweet love songs to my beautiful, intelligent, bushy-haired girlfriend...if only she were mine." Bachelor number two sighed, daydreaming.
"Well folks, that's all for tonight! For a new twist on the game, YOU get to decide who Hermione goes with! Will it be....Bachelor One?"
"Forget it, I have Quidditch practice." Bachelor number one can be seen walking out of the studio, shaking his head and taking off on his broom, which is parked outside.
"Bachelor Two?"
"I love you, you beautiful, smart witch named Hermione! MARRY ME!!"
"Um, okay...Bachelor Three?"
"I have to go plot some more so I can KILL HARRY POTTER! BWAHAHA!" Bachelor number three can be seen exiting the building, carrying a huge stack of papers and mumbling something about invading Home Depot for supplies.
"Or Bachelor Four?"
"I have to ask father if I can date yet, and she had better not be a mudblood!"
"Cast your votes now, who will Hermione spend her fabulous vacation with? Bachelor one, two, three, or four?"
~*~
Vote in the little box below, and if I get enough response to this I'll write a continuation. Unlike the presidential election, there will be no recounts, so vote now while you can!
Comments, good or bad, are appreciated at all times. E-mail them to me at [email protected].
by Ami the Queen of the Evil Flying Monkeys
Disclaimer: I own nothing. I know the standard "Dating Game" only has three bachelors, but for the sake of variety, I have four.
A/N: If anyone has done something similar to this before, I do not mean to copy anyone, I just thought it would be fun to write. No infringement is intentional.
~*~
The scene opens on a small studio with huge, painted hearts plastered all over the walls, a shade dividing the room in two sections, and three stools sitting on the left side of the studio.
"Hello and welcome to the Wizard Dating Game!" a man with big hair and even bigger teeth walked out from behind a curtain, waving to the crowd. "Hi mom! I'm Gilderoy Lockhart, I remember now! Yaaaaay!"
A shoe flies out of nowhere and smacks Lockhart in the head.
"What was I saying? Oh yeah. Today we will set up a lonely witch with a... er... handsome single wizard! Hermione Granger, come on out!" Gilderoy said, gesturing grandly toward the curtain behind him. A girl with bushy brown hair steps out, looking confused.
"This isn't Flourish and Blotts.. where am I?" Hermione asked, glancing around warily at Lockhart and the near-empty studio.
"Why, you're on the Wizard Dating Game!" Lockhart said, smiling and showing off his perfectly white teeth. Hermione raised her eyebrows at him, backing away toward the curtain.
"How do I get out of this place?" Hermione demanded, feeling around in the seemingly endless set of curtains.
"You don't! You have to play the Wizard Dating Game first!" Lockhart replied, smiling and beckoning to a large, cushy chair that had just appeared in the middle of the room.
"No! No no no no! You can't make me!" Hermione cried, desperately clawing at the curtains. She stopped momentarily, pulled out her wand, and attempted to set the curtains on fire, but Lockhart plucked the wand out of her hands before she could manage a single curse.
"Sit down, Miss Granger, while I explain." Lockhart said, pushing her toward the chair. Hermione sighed heavily, sitting down in the chair wearing a look of utter disgust.
"Behind this shade, we have four eligible bachelors for you to choose from!" He paused momentarily to gesture at the shade in the middle of the studio, "You choose one, then you go on a fabulous vacation with the winner! Bachelors, come on out!"
Four shadows appeared behind the shade, sitting on the stools.
"Where the chocolate frogs am I?"
"So this is what happens when you push the star button on the fellytone..."
"CRUCIO!"
"Aaaaagh! Father!"
Hermione's eyes went wide, and she looked as if she would have a heart attack at any second. Lockhart handed her a stack of cue cards, and she reluctantly began to read from one of them.
"Bachelor number one, I love surfing...wait a minute, no I don't...I live in England for crying out loud, it's not that warm there!" Hermione exclaimed. Lockhart motioned for her to continue, and she sighed. "So tell me what you enjoy most."
"I like Quidditch, and Quidditch, and Quidditch, and occasionally saving the world, but mostly Quidditch." Bachelor number one replied.
"Okay then, Bachelor number three, imagine I am an Italian food.. what the?"
"Fine, fine. Imagine I am an Italian food, describe me."
"You're covered in zesty, thick red sauce. Red is the color of blood. Blood! I crave blood! BLOOD FROM THAT MEDDLING LITTLE POTTER BOY! BWAHAHAHAHA!" Bachelor number three cackled evilly as bachelor number one slid his stool away slowly.
Hermione paled, but continued, "Bachelor number four, my friends describe me as a meddling workaholic know-it-all...wait, you spelled 'meddling' wrong... that's better. How would your friends describe you?"
"Friends? What are these friends you speak of? Those lunkheads that are always with me? Umm, they'd probably say I'm evil, loaded, and handsome. Maybe not the handsome part, but the voice in my head counts as a friend, doesn't it?"
"Mmm-hmm." Hermione mumbled, staring down at the next cue card, "Oh, you can't be serious...."
Lockhart nodded. Hermione rolled her eyes and proceeded to read the cue card.
"Bachelor number two, describe your ideal woman and what would she... smell... like?" Hermione said plainly, shriveling her nose at the question.
"Well, she'd have bushy brown hair, brown eyes, large front teeth-except she just got rid of those, be top witch in her year, be good at almost everything, be incredibly smart, her parents would be dentists...and she'd smell like library books." Bachelor number two replied, near drooling.
Hermione nodded and felt her cheeks go pink at the description, "Bachelor number one, I have always wanted to visit Gilderoy Lockhart's...WHAT?! YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS! IT'S A LIE! A LIE!" Hermione shrieked, stopping in the middle of cue card and staring at Lockhart, looking as if she would kill him at any second if she only had her wand.
"Go on, Miss Granger." Lockhart egged her on, ignoring the vicious eye-daggers she was sending him. Hermione took a deep breath, and imagined Lockhart's head blowing up a thousand times, that made her feel much better. With a bit of disgust and embarrassment in her voice, she continued.
"Bachelor number one, I have always wanted to visit Gilderoy Lockhart's house. Where do you want to go?" Hermione said very quickly, burying her face in her hands. Lockhart beamed at her.
Bachelor number one laughed for a few minutes, then regained his composure long enough to answer the question.
"I want to go to Mars so Voldemort," he stopped, listening to the audience gasp in horror, "can't get me. I'll kill him while we're there so no one ever has to hear about him again. Then I would come back to earth and play Quidditch for England."
The audience liked what they heard, and started chanting, "NUMBER ONE, NUMBER ONE!"
"LOCKHART, LOCKHART!" Lockhart chanted, doing an odd sort of jig. Hermione groaned and read the next cue card.
"Bachelor number three, same question."
"I would want to go to Hogwarts so I can KILL HARRY POTTER! BWAHAHAHA!"
"Well, at least you have a hobby..." Hermione said sarcastically, "Bachelor number four, what is your most embarrassing moment and why?"
"Well, once in Knockturn alley I saw a little mudblood first year push over a barrel of monkeys' tails, and father ordered me to turn him into a frog, but I turned him into a toad instead!" bachelor number three replied, his face turning red.
Hermione looked annoyed and insulted by the answer, but she proceeded.
"Bachelor number two, what is your favorite food and why? These questions are getting easier and easier.." Hermione mumbled off, waiting for bachelor number two to reply.
"Chocolate frogs! They're the color of her hair and they taste yummy! I only get them a few times a year though because we can't aff--mum says too much sugar is bad for your teeth." Bachelor number two answered, the tips of his ears turning pink.
"Bachelor number one, I love to listen to music. If you were a musical instrument, what would you be and why?"
"Hmmm.. instruments can't play Quidditch, can they? This is tough. I think I would be a trumpet because I am bold and difficult to overlook.... stupid scar..." Bachelor number one replied, deep in thought.
"Bachelor number four, same question."
"I would be whatever my father tells me to be, but I'd probably be a bassoon because they sound so dark, strong, and evil." Bachelor number four said, nodding. *A/N-To anyone who doesn't know what a bassoon sounds like, they sound a little like bagpipes.*
"Bachelor number four, same question. Boy, they really like this question..." Hermione trailed off, waiting for a response.
"I would be a tuba so I can KILL HARRY POTTER! BWAHAHAHA!"
"How can tubas kill Harry Potter?" Hermione asked, raising an eyebrow.
"THEY JUST CAN!" Bachelor number three replied angrily.
"Fine, fine. You have a one-track mind, don't you? Next and, thank God, final question. Bachelor number two, same question. I'm really getting tired of this question.. stupid musical instruments..."
"I would be a clarinet so I can sing sweet love songs to my beautiful, intelligent, bushy-haired girlfriend...if only she were mine." Bachelor number two sighed, daydreaming.
"Well folks, that's all for tonight! For a new twist on the game, YOU get to decide who Hermione goes with! Will it be....Bachelor One?"
"Forget it, I have Quidditch practice." Bachelor number one can be seen walking out of the studio, shaking his head and taking off on his broom, which is parked outside.
"Bachelor Two?"
"I love you, you beautiful, smart witch named Hermione! MARRY ME!!"
"Um, okay...Bachelor Three?"
"I have to go plot some more so I can KILL HARRY POTTER! BWAHAHA!" Bachelor number three can be seen exiting the building, carrying a huge stack of papers and mumbling something about invading Home Depot for supplies.
"Or Bachelor Four?"
"I have to ask father if I can date yet, and she had better not be a mudblood!"
"Cast your votes now, who will Hermione spend her fabulous vacation with? Bachelor one, two, three, or four?"
~*~
Vote in the little box below, and if I get enough response to this I'll write a continuation. Unlike the presidential election, there will be no recounts, so vote now while you can!
Comments, good or bad, are appreciated at all times. E-mail them to me at [email protected].