Cold. There was no other word for it. Smooth, slick reflective glass…He ran foreign fingers down the surface.
Paragon
Final Chapter.
Fundamentally Loathsome
The white pills went down so smoothly. Two from one bottle, three from the next. It was hard to keep them straight in the haze behind his blue-green eyes. Blue-green eyes…they stared back from the looking glass in the blood red bathroom.
This was wrong.
I want to wake up in your white, white sun…
Kim woke in her bed to find herself alone. The cold in the house settled on her skin, the glowing white reminding her… Her home, the one she had grown up in sat abandoned and empty, far too painful to return to. But in the end, this place wasn't much better. She could still feel the touch of something not there. And it was always so cold. And quiet…still like the dead. But seeing the dead walk wasn't such an unusual thing anymore.
She couldn't stop her tears.
And I want to wake up in your world with no pain…
Ron hadn't spoken since the incident because his voice…it wasn't his own. And these hands—this flesh. He should be happy, he was popular now and he had Kim. Wasn't this what he always wanted? Wasn't this what he dreamt about? Why then? Why, when things could finally go right they felt so wrong? Why couldn't he be allowed to be happy?! His fist flew into the glass, blood smearing and blending with the painted porcelain sink, the color camouflage until it spilled over the metallic drain. Even this blood wasn't his.
Ron shouldn't be here. He was dead even though he breathed with stolen lungs.
But I'll just suffer in a hope to die someday… while you are numb all of the way.
Arms around his waist made him jump. She was the reason he was here. She needed him. Kim took his cut and battered fist and placed it under the water. Not a word parted either's mouth. No sound but the water fell to their ears.
When I hate it I know I can feel…
Kim's half closed eyes watched his blood swirl down the drain. This blood, the DNA, it was Josh, and the face she stared at was him. The flesh she caressed, the body she kissed…it was so hard. She wanted to be with Ron. This was the only way. This was the only way because of her.
This wasn't Ron.
But when you love you know it's not real. No.
He turned and took her into Josh's arms.
"Do you even know where one starts and the other ends?" The question came softly from Kim's lips, it echoing from the memory of a dream. It felt like she was still in that nightmare where both spoke and moved as one. Her eyes met the green-blue of Josh. She couldn't even see Ron past them. This was pretend. All of this was pretend just like she was pretending everything was ok, like he was pretending everything was fine. She could see that much in the eyes that stared back at her. He was suffering. Because of her. All of this was because of her.
And I am resigned to this wicked fucking world on its way to hell.
He held her as she wept. This was the routine. This was their life now three weeks since the day. This was no life at all. Kim's head on his chest she could hear his heart beat, but she didn't need to see his face to know that it wasn't wanted.
He didn't want to live and truthfully neither did she.
The living are dead and I hope to join them too.
This world had turned so cold…so sterile and lifeless like this house, the only sign of life, the only splash of color was blood red on white. But after everything, after all the suffering and all the death and the fighting this is what they had left. And it was killing them to breathe it in. There was so much pain. A tear fell on her shoulder and Kim looked up and wiped them from the face of a dead man.
"I've been so selfish." It was wrong to keep him trapped here for her, but she…she couldn't let him go. Deep down the thing she feared most was to be alone and without him, there would be no one at all. No one. So she clung to him, his heat and the feel of his shirtless skin…his face reminding her of everything. This was her future? This misery in this dull house?
She didn't deserve him. Kim closed her eyes tightly, the emotional pain making it hard to breathe. She deserved her loneliness, and Ron…Ron had always given her all he could. He deserved better…he deserved rest. It…it was the least she could do for him.
I know what to do and I do it well.
When I hate it I know I can feel.
"Ron," she whispered in his ear, her full lips brushing on the skin sending shivers down his back. "If you want to leave it's ok." No movement followed, both just breathed. Living for now. He finally pulled back, his eyes full of confusion.
"This isn't the life I had in mind for us," she continued as she again clung to him. "It wasn't supposed to end like this. We…we were supposed to be happy." Her head buried deep in his shoulder, her body quaking in the waves of tears. "Ron, I can't do this. E-every time I look at you, every time I wake up in this house-." Her shaking, wild voice lowed to a quivering whisper. "I don't want this life."
When you love you know it's not real. No.
"Kim…" The voice made her flinch and he bit his lip before falling to his knees. "I don't want to leave you." She knelt next to him, stroking his hair.
"This time," she whispered. "This time you won't have to." Kim took his hand and held it tightly.
Shoot myself to love you. If I loved myself I'd be shooting you.
Anyone can close their eyes. In the darkness behind them we can make our own peace and define our own reality. Real strength, real sight comes from facing the things you turn away from. The question, the hard part is knowing whether your eyes are open or if they're closed. Is your reality real? Or is it just a mix of the things you chose to see as real?
Sometimes the answers come all too late…
Silence. There wasn't a sound in the house, the only sign of life; the only splash of color was blood red on white. Two people slept. Two bodies entwined under red-white blankets. Their fighting, their struggles all now behind them. They closed their eyes after finally opening them for the first time.
Sometimes it's hard to choose reality over what we pretend, but when you look at the face in the mirror do you like what you see?
Go ahead…open your eyes.
Jao: XD Ah couldn't help myself. The ending in chapter 10 came to me in a flash so I hadn't really contemplated the effects of it and what it would mean. I was inspired by the number of reviews that pointed out the sad ironies of the so-called "happy ending." You can choose to ignore this ending and pretend they find a way to live with all of this, but seriously I doubt it would go that way. This also emphasizes the fic's main theme about knowing what's real and what's not and having the strength to face the truth.
And I'll admit the idea of them both committing suicide after that ending in 10 is a little uneasy and upsetting, but it's realistic. I mean c'mon. After losing all of the people you love and the whole thing with Ron, would you want to go on? It would be like pretending and after all the trauma I'm sure Kim would break to that point because like she said, in a way everything that happened was her fault. But she was so wrapped up in Josh she refused to open her eyes to the truth, or to listen to Ron. Again returning to the main theme.
Anyways, if you got a little sniffly over this final chapter don't feel bad, I almost cried myself. Had to take a break. Secrets was the same way. I had to stop and do something else to keep myself from crying. I seriously suggest you download, or buy or pop in the song for this chapter, Fundamentally Loathsome by Marilyn Manson from his album Mechanical Animals because it's effect will go up 10 times. The song just…it has the perfect tone, and the words as you saw fit perfectly. It's so depressing and dragging and echoing like life in Josh's house. Man, it's perfect.
One other note, I'm changing Long SHot's genre. Humor? Who was I kidding? Yea it'll be a little more light hearted than my last fics but me go a whole story without some angst is impossible. Even when I RP with people using the characters, someone ends up angsty. It's a curse. U.u;
Sooo anyways, hope you guys don't kill me with sharp pointy things for this chapter.
THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR READING PARAGON!!