Middle-Earth Monthly

Rosie Cotton's Advice Column

Disclaimer: Not mine. Never were. Never will be. Am making NO MONEY WHATSOEVER from this. So don't sue. Really. The NHS gives me £70 a month; nothing more.

A/N: This was (originally, until I posted The 12 Days of Xmas LOTR-style first) my first attempt at a humour fic. The people will seem out of character sometimes; this is intentional, and any complaints about this shall be ignored completely. All flames will be used to toast marshmallows.

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Meriadoc Brandybuck and Peregrin Took

Dear Rosie,

We don't know what to do. We have a farmer on our tails that hates us. We really don't know why. He chased us half the length of the Shire and swore to set his dogs on us the next time he saw us. He's clearly overreacted; after all, it was just a couple of carrots. And some cabbages. And three bags of potatoes. And some mushrooms.

How can we go to visit our friends on the other side of his land without this farmer setting his dogs on us?

MB and PT (The Shire)

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Dear MB and PT,

Apologise to this farmer for taking those crops of his. Offer to pay for them, or else offer your services in helping with the crops (although do avoid taking more) – you may get given some as gifts for your hard work.

Alternatively, leave the Shire until he forgets who the perpetrators are, and what you look like.

Love, Rosie

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Arwen Undómiel

Dear Rosie,

I am in love with a wonderful man. He is handsome, intelligent, brave, a skilled warrior, and much more. Our problem lies in the fact that he is mortal and I am Elfkind. My father raised my love as his own son after his true father was slain by Orcs (I was living abroad with my grandmother at the time), yet he still loathes our relationship and disapproves most strongly of it. I long to marry my love, but I love my father also. He insists that I must go with my kin over the Sea and leave Middle-Earth. What can I possibly do?

AU (Rivendell)

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Dear AU,

Oh dear. You have got yourself into a difficult situation! This man you describe sounds wonderful. Does he truly love you? Are you willing to give up your immortality? If the answer is truly 'yes' to both of these questions, go for it.

Your father is clearly showing signs of OFS (Overprotective Father Syndrome), something all too common in fathers these days. Be grown up about the matter, and sit him down and explain exactly how you feel about this man, in attempt to talk round your father.

Alternatively, you could simply elope and marry in secret in Moria. I understand that it is cheap and there are a number of live-in witnesses these days.

Love, Rosie

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Tom Bombadil

Dear Rosie,

I am most annoyed. I was perfectly happy going along singing to myself when I obtained three strange items – a 'television', a 'VCR' and a 'videotape' proclaiming itself to be 'The Fellowship of the Ring'. So I watched it (following the instruction book, which was in Elvish and Dwarvish, the latter of which I know little), and recognised four hobbits that I met recently.

But where was I? I watched that video very closely, but there was no sign of me or of the Barrow-downs whatsoever! Some Ranger with about ten different names gave the hobbits their swords in this 'movie'. I GAVE THEM THE SWORDS! ME! TOM BOMBADIL!!!

TB

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Dear Mr. Bombadil,

I am sorry to hear of your exclusion from 'The Fellowship of the Ring'. I can only assume that it was purely due to time limits and nothing personal, as these things do have to be taken into consideration when one is making a movie. I am afraid that you will simply have to learn to deal with the disappointment, like many others. Perhaps you will get an opportunity another time.

Alternatively, complain to the director Peter Jackson or the scriptwriters about this issue.

Love, Rosie

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TBC