Author's Note: This little scenario has been floating around in my mind for a while now. Since I was in a heavy part of my other story and needed a break, I decided to write it out. It's silly and hopefully funny, so, enjoy!
SPOILER WARNING!!!!!
This contains spoilers for not only the Harry Potter series, but also The Hobbit, and all of the Lord of the Rings books and movies, especially The Return of the King, so read at your own risk!
Lucius' New House-Elf
To make up for the loss of Dobby, a humiliation Lucius couldn't bear to live with, he had purchased a new house-elf from a catalogue entitled: Insider Trading- Everything You Can Possibly Want, From Hobbiton to Hogsmeade, and Everywhere In Between.
It arrived one afternoon in a crate marked, "Fragile, Live Cargo". From inside the shaking crate, Lucius could hear snarling. The paperwork attached to the crate said that the contents were one house-elf, from a place called "Mordor". There was also a note stating: "Warning, this creature has been known to bite the fingers off its former masters."
Taking his wand and using it to open the crate, Lucius watched as a small creature emerged from inside. It was more hideous than any other house-elf he had ever seen before. It was emaciated and had sharp, pointy teeth. Its large goggle eyes stared at him with malice. It wore nothing but a tattered loincloth, telling Lucius, it was male. "Where's my Precious?" He screamed at Lucius in a frightening voice.
The house-elf lunged at Lucius, trying to wrap his fingers around his throat, only to be stopped in midair by Lucius and his wand. Setting him back on the ground, the house-elf groveled at Lucius' feet. "Where's my Precious?" He asked again, followed by some strange noises, "Gollum, gollum!"
The house-elf might be a little bit odd, but Lucius knew he had to break him in, he'd paid a lot of money for him and wasn't going to send him back; there was no money back guarantee, and now Lucius knew why. He had half a mind to write a letter of complaint to Saruman the White, founder of the catalogue, but decided not to.
Training him like an animal was what was best suited for a house-elf. Reaching into his pocket, Lucius hoped to find some item of food to offer the creature. "Now, what have I got in my pocket?" He muttered.(1)
"We're not falling for that one again, are we precious, oh no, we're not," The house-elf said.
Finding an apple on a table nearby, Lucius held it out to the elf. The elf hit it out of Lucius' hand, "We don't eat hobbit food!" he snarled.(2) "We eat nice fisheses, yessss, nice tasty fisheses!" Lucius looked at the elf with wonder, what sort of a freak was this creature? And what was a hobbit?
Narcissa walked into the room, saw the elf, wrinkled her nose, and asked, "What is that thing Lucius?"
Lucius looked at Narcissa, folded his arms, frowned, and replied, "It's our new house-elf, although I don't know how much work I'll get out of it. It'll take a lot of time to show him who his master is."
The elf looked at Lucius, and snarled, "The master of the Precious is our master, not filthy men like you!"
How dare this creature call Lucius filthy! By the looks of it, it hadn't bathed in ages.
Walking up to the elf, Lucius prodded it with his wand and asked, "You, what is your name?"
"Mustn't ask us, not it's business," The elf answered.(3) He turned his body away from Lucius and rocked back and forth.
Lucius walked around to the elf. "You will tell me your name!"
The elf looked up at Lucius, beckoned him closer, and blew a raspberry in his face when he did so.
"Why you little," Lucius pointed his wand at the elf and cried, "Crucio!" The little elf bent over and began to cry out in pain. Lucius only put the curse on him for a few seconds, to show the elf exactly what he was capable of. Glancing over his shoulder, he saw Narcissa laughing silently, but was unsure if she was laughing at the elf's plight, or at Lucius being spat upon.
"Now, let's try this again," Lucius said, putting his wand away, and standing before the elf. "What is your name?" He tried to ask as nicely as possible.
"Gollum, gollum," It coughed.
"I'll just call you 'Gollum', since you're so fond of making that noise," Lucius decided, scowling.
The next few weeks were spent trying to train Gollum in the duties of a house-elf. Gollum didn't respond well to the other house-elves, so Lucius had to do most of the training himself. But after seven loads of ruined laundry, six attempts at washing dishes in which all ended up smashed on the floor, and a most humiliating scene where Gollum threw a bowl of hot soup on one of Lucius' colleagues, Lucius decided it was hopeless.
Taking the crate that he'd stashed in the basement, Lucius threw Gollum back inside and nailed it shut. Attaching a howler for Saruman the White to the crate, expressing his displeasure with Gollum, Lucius shipped the crate back to him, bemoaning the thought of how much shipping and handling to Middle Earth would cost. The last words he heard Gollum screaming from inside the crate were, "Curse him, we hates him forever!"(4)
Several weeks later, Lucius received a package from Saruman the White. It contained a letter of apology, a bag of pipe weed, and a palantir. Not being a smoker, he gave the pipe weed to the house-elves to divide amongst themselves. Looking at the palantir, Lucius tried to figure out how it worked. It was heavy in his hands when he picked it up and shook it. Gazing into it, he was surprised to see an eye looking back at him. Surprised, Lucius gasped and dropped the palantir on the floor. The eye spoke to him, demanding to know if he had the Ring. Lucius didn't know what ring the eye was talking about. "What are you talking about?" He asked the eye.
"Aren't you one of the halflings?" The eye asked.
"What's a halfling?" Lucius asked, looking confused.
"So, you don't have the Ring?"
"Uh, no, sorry."
"Never mind, stop looking at me, I have a lot of busy work to do," The eye said, flickering out of sight. The palantir went dark again, and Lucius set it on the mantle above his fireplace. It gathered dust and never spoke to Lucius again.
A few months later, Lucius decided to give the catalogue one last try, hopefully he would have more success than the first time. The latest edition was entitled: Lothlorien Liquidation Sale, and advertised many interesting products Lucius had never heard of before. He ordered the Lembas Bread Maker, and the Elvish Hair Braiding Kit. He got a special deal on them because according to the elves selling them, "Everything Must Go!".
Several weeks later, they arrived, and Lucius had much more success with them than Gollum. He also had the best hairstyle of any wizard he knew. One morning, at the breakfast table, Lucius was buttering a piece of lembas bread and informed Narcissa, "I don't normally hold with foreign food, but this elvish stuff's not bad.(5) The only problem is it makes you so full by the time you're done eating it, you can't eat anything more for the rest of the day!"
The next catalogue to arrive had a special section sponsored by the Middle Earth Tourism Board. It had all sorts of beautiful pictures of the scenery and a list of the many activities available to be done in Middle Earth. It seemed like an interesting place, and Lucius decided to take his family on holiday there over the summer. They had a wonderful time, and felt surprisingly at home the entire time they were there. They loved their stay so much, they visited again every summer after that. Lucius visited Saruman the White and the two began corresponding with one another. It was the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
Citations:
1: Quoted from Riddles in the Dark chapter of The Hobbit.
2: Paraphrased from The Passage of the Marshes chaper of FOTR:TTT.
3: Quoted from FOTR:TTT movie.
4: Paraphrased from Riddles in the Dark chapter of The Hobbit.
5: Quoted from FOTR:TTT movie.
SPOILER WARNING!!!!!
This contains spoilers for not only the Harry Potter series, but also The Hobbit, and all of the Lord of the Rings books and movies, especially The Return of the King, so read at your own risk!
Lucius' New House-Elf
To make up for the loss of Dobby, a humiliation Lucius couldn't bear to live with, he had purchased a new house-elf from a catalogue entitled: Insider Trading- Everything You Can Possibly Want, From Hobbiton to Hogsmeade, and Everywhere In Between.
It arrived one afternoon in a crate marked, "Fragile, Live Cargo". From inside the shaking crate, Lucius could hear snarling. The paperwork attached to the crate said that the contents were one house-elf, from a place called "Mordor". There was also a note stating: "Warning, this creature has been known to bite the fingers off its former masters."
Taking his wand and using it to open the crate, Lucius watched as a small creature emerged from inside. It was more hideous than any other house-elf he had ever seen before. It was emaciated and had sharp, pointy teeth. Its large goggle eyes stared at him with malice. It wore nothing but a tattered loincloth, telling Lucius, it was male. "Where's my Precious?" He screamed at Lucius in a frightening voice.
The house-elf lunged at Lucius, trying to wrap his fingers around his throat, only to be stopped in midair by Lucius and his wand. Setting him back on the ground, the house-elf groveled at Lucius' feet. "Where's my Precious?" He asked again, followed by some strange noises, "Gollum, gollum!"
The house-elf might be a little bit odd, but Lucius knew he had to break him in, he'd paid a lot of money for him and wasn't going to send him back; there was no money back guarantee, and now Lucius knew why. He had half a mind to write a letter of complaint to Saruman the White, founder of the catalogue, but decided not to.
Training him like an animal was what was best suited for a house-elf. Reaching into his pocket, Lucius hoped to find some item of food to offer the creature. "Now, what have I got in my pocket?" He muttered.(1)
"We're not falling for that one again, are we precious, oh no, we're not," The house-elf said.
Finding an apple on a table nearby, Lucius held it out to the elf. The elf hit it out of Lucius' hand, "We don't eat hobbit food!" he snarled.(2) "We eat nice fisheses, yessss, nice tasty fisheses!" Lucius looked at the elf with wonder, what sort of a freak was this creature? And what was a hobbit?
Narcissa walked into the room, saw the elf, wrinkled her nose, and asked, "What is that thing Lucius?"
Lucius looked at Narcissa, folded his arms, frowned, and replied, "It's our new house-elf, although I don't know how much work I'll get out of it. It'll take a lot of time to show him who his master is."
The elf looked at Lucius, and snarled, "The master of the Precious is our master, not filthy men like you!"
How dare this creature call Lucius filthy! By the looks of it, it hadn't bathed in ages.
Walking up to the elf, Lucius prodded it with his wand and asked, "You, what is your name?"
"Mustn't ask us, not it's business," The elf answered.(3) He turned his body away from Lucius and rocked back and forth.
Lucius walked around to the elf. "You will tell me your name!"
The elf looked up at Lucius, beckoned him closer, and blew a raspberry in his face when he did so.
"Why you little," Lucius pointed his wand at the elf and cried, "Crucio!" The little elf bent over and began to cry out in pain. Lucius only put the curse on him for a few seconds, to show the elf exactly what he was capable of. Glancing over his shoulder, he saw Narcissa laughing silently, but was unsure if she was laughing at the elf's plight, or at Lucius being spat upon.
"Now, let's try this again," Lucius said, putting his wand away, and standing before the elf. "What is your name?" He tried to ask as nicely as possible.
"Gollum, gollum," It coughed.
"I'll just call you 'Gollum', since you're so fond of making that noise," Lucius decided, scowling.
The next few weeks were spent trying to train Gollum in the duties of a house-elf. Gollum didn't respond well to the other house-elves, so Lucius had to do most of the training himself. But after seven loads of ruined laundry, six attempts at washing dishes in which all ended up smashed on the floor, and a most humiliating scene where Gollum threw a bowl of hot soup on one of Lucius' colleagues, Lucius decided it was hopeless.
Taking the crate that he'd stashed in the basement, Lucius threw Gollum back inside and nailed it shut. Attaching a howler for Saruman the White to the crate, expressing his displeasure with Gollum, Lucius shipped the crate back to him, bemoaning the thought of how much shipping and handling to Middle Earth would cost. The last words he heard Gollum screaming from inside the crate were, "Curse him, we hates him forever!"(4)
Several weeks later, Lucius received a package from Saruman the White. It contained a letter of apology, a bag of pipe weed, and a palantir. Not being a smoker, he gave the pipe weed to the house-elves to divide amongst themselves. Looking at the palantir, Lucius tried to figure out how it worked. It was heavy in his hands when he picked it up and shook it. Gazing into it, he was surprised to see an eye looking back at him. Surprised, Lucius gasped and dropped the palantir on the floor. The eye spoke to him, demanding to know if he had the Ring. Lucius didn't know what ring the eye was talking about. "What are you talking about?" He asked the eye.
"Aren't you one of the halflings?" The eye asked.
"What's a halfling?" Lucius asked, looking confused.
"So, you don't have the Ring?"
"Uh, no, sorry."
"Never mind, stop looking at me, I have a lot of busy work to do," The eye said, flickering out of sight. The palantir went dark again, and Lucius set it on the mantle above his fireplace. It gathered dust and never spoke to Lucius again.
A few months later, Lucius decided to give the catalogue one last try, hopefully he would have more success than the first time. The latest edition was entitled: Lothlorien Liquidation Sale, and advertised many interesting products Lucius had never heard of before. He ordered the Lembas Bread Maker, and the Elvish Hair Braiding Kit. He got a special deal on them because according to the elves selling them, "Everything Must Go!".
Several weeks later, they arrived, and Lucius had much more success with them than Gollum. He also had the best hairstyle of any wizard he knew. One morning, at the breakfast table, Lucius was buttering a piece of lembas bread and informed Narcissa, "I don't normally hold with foreign food, but this elvish stuff's not bad.(5) The only problem is it makes you so full by the time you're done eating it, you can't eat anything more for the rest of the day!"
The next catalogue to arrive had a special section sponsored by the Middle Earth Tourism Board. It had all sorts of beautiful pictures of the scenery and a list of the many activities available to be done in Middle Earth. It seemed like an interesting place, and Lucius decided to take his family on holiday there over the summer. They had a wonderful time, and felt surprisingly at home the entire time they were there. They loved their stay so much, they visited again every summer after that. Lucius visited Saruman the White and the two began corresponding with one another. It was the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
Citations:
1: Quoted from Riddles in the Dark chapter of The Hobbit.
2: Paraphrased from The Passage of the Marshes chaper of FOTR:TTT.
3: Quoted from FOTR:TTT movie.
4: Paraphrased from Riddles in the Dark chapter of The Hobbit.
5: Quoted from FOTR:TTT movie.