Disclaimer: I don't own any of Tamora Pierce's work.

A/N: This story is completely revamped, seven years after I wrote it as a dumb teenager :-) . Hopefully I have a better sense of humor now.

An Extremely Unlikely Romance Involving Kel and Joren

The herald walks down the hall and turns left into the room, approaching the girl there. That girl is KELADRY of MINDELAN, in the library, with the wrench. Ahem, the sword.

"Yes, Harold?" Kel asks, her DREAMY HAZEL EYES flashing.

"Lady Keladry is to report to Queen Thayet in the throne room immediately," says Harold the herald.

Kel flips her SHORT BROWN HAIR that she has actually grown out longer so she is more ATTRACTIVE and sighed. She is so busy! There is no time for this. She has girl KNIGHTS to train and a CAMP to run and no time for boys at all, let alone the king and queen. She follows Harold into the throne room, where awaits her not only Queen Thayet, but JOREN of STONE MOUNTAIN as well.

Kel stares. "Joren??" she screeches. She clears her throat. "I mean, what are you doing here?"

Joren brushes away his cascading WHITE-BLONDE waterfalls of glorious hair from his face and SMIRKS. "I'm ALIVE. Obviously the author thinks I'm too important/sexy/mysterious of a character to just die in the Chamber of the Ordeal." Joren basks in his SELF-ARROGANCE, completely ignoring the fact that it is not normal to come back from the DEAD.

Kel and Joren give each other the DEATH GLARE, because they HATE each other.

"Earth to the two lovebirds!" calls Queen Thayet. Kel and Joren jump at this, because it is IRONIC, because they actually HATE each other. "The kingdom of Tortall is in mortal danger, and we need your help. We need you two to travel to [INSERT COUNTRY] and become spies/mercenaries/retrieve a sacred and/or dangerous object. I don't care what it is or where your quest ends up taking you, just go wherever has the most opportunity for SCENES of a GRAPHIC NATURE."

Joren sniffs. "Your majesty, I hate her guts for NO REASON, other than that she should stay in the KITCHEN and not on the jousting field. I am not INSECURE AT ALL about my masculinity."

Kel says nothing. She is ANGRY and HURT that she has to do this, but puts on her YAMANI MASK so no one can guess her true inner feelings. Little does she know, her sudden lack of a facial expression GIVES IT AWAY.

Queen Thayet ignores their protests. "You leave tomorrow morning before daybreak. This is so no one knows you are leaving, because it is a TOP SECRET CODE RED CONFIDENTIAL GOVERNMENT MISSION."

"But," says Kel patiently seething, "we know nothing about this – no suspects, no actual agenda – what—"

"GO," commanded the queen. "And may the gods help us all," she added as she watched her only hopes leave the throne room.

Next morning on the journey……

Kel and Joren ride horseback over the river and through the woods, far far and away. Joren's horse is CONVENIENTLY behind Kel's so he can check out HER ASS. Kel suspects this and is UNCOMFORTABLE, because she is not used to being a REAL GIRL. This gives her the opportunity to NAMECALL.

Joren is INDIGNANT. Later, he digests her words and through his CONTEMPLATIONS, we learn that his father is actually ABUSIVE towards women and we feel SORRY for him because now we UNDERSTAND where his CRAPPY ATTITUDE came from.

The two come to an inn for the night, and what do you know, there is only ONE BED. AWKWARDNESS ENSUES because beds can be used for both SLEEPING and SEX and they are CONFUSED. They wake up on the wrong side of the bed, up in arms, both LITERALLY and FIGURATIVELY, and they EXCHANGE WORDS.

As they continue, Joren is CONTEMPLATIVE. He suspects he has FEELINGS for her. He decides to deal with these feelings MATURELY by ignoring them and acting like an even bigger ASSHOLE to Kel and questioning her CHASTITY and number of SEXUAL PARTNERS. He will also leave a flower on her pillow in the morning to CONFUSE and SPITE her.

Kel also has IRRATIONAL FEELINGS towards Joren despite his chauvinism. She has NO EXPERIENCE with relationships so she cannot tell when she is dealing with a DUD. They reach for the same biscuit at breakfast and their HANDS TOUCH. It is SEXUALLY AWKWARD.

The above pattern continues for a number of chapters, until…

Kel and Joren are ambushed by bandits of the evil warlord because there couldn't be a CUTE RECOVERY SCENE without Kel getting knocked out cold, could there? Naturally, Joren saves her and she wakes up at the inn with him at her side, praying for her to get better. He is EMBARRASSED that she saw him in a VULNERABLE STATE, so he is even MEANER to her.

A SCREAMING TEARFUL FIGHT leads into MAKING OUT. Their "TONGUES BATTLE" because the author has either NO CREATIVITY or NO KISSING EXPERIENCE. Scenes of a GRAPHIC NATURE occur.

The couple returns home. No word on whether the mission was accomplished. They have a public relationship, to the CHAGRIN of all their friends, but they don't get married, because Kel's mom is a PROGRESSIVE and Joren should be able to GET SOME whenever he wants because he is his OWN MAN and would probably have an affair ANYWAY.

The End.