She felt the grass with phantom fingers.

Once she'd met a man who'd lost his arm. He'd told her, even years later, he'd still scratch his back with it and feel it. It'd seemed absurd to her at the time.

Now Ellie understood. She'd forget her mutilated hand when she looked away from it. The pain had diminished to a dull throbbing. Constant, forgettable.

She wished memories were similar.

Ellie lingered behind the fence to the farm. She'd cowered in the forest for hours, meek as a lamb. There was movement in the windows and the silhouette of a woman she knew so well. A woman who deserved so much better than her.

Joel had told her that Dina would be lucky to have her. Ellie hadn't ever known if she agreed with that until now. And she didn't.

Dina and JJ deserved oh-so-much better than her. Ellie, who walked out on them. She didn't regret it, there was a solace she carried with her now, something that kept a few nightmares away. Far too fragile to become used to, Ellie tried to ignore it. No doubt it'd go away before long.

But that change had brought her back here. Back home.

Dina hadn't left. Or maybe she hadn't left yet.

Ellie winced. Her hand had clenched, brushing her still scabbed stubs against her palm. The pain was nothing in the moment, but she heard Abby scream in the back of her head, then her own scream as the fingers were bitten off.

She shivered. Dina stepped outside and onto the porch, sitting JJ in her lap. Even from this far away, they looked happy. Content without her.

Everything she touched soured and wilted. Dina, Jesse…Joel.

There were things she wished she could say to them all. She wanted to say sorry. She wanted tell them they mattered to her, even Joel.

But mostly, she wanted different memories. Ones that didn't come back when she blinked. Ones that didn't keep her gated out of dreamland.

She imagined Jesse frowning at her, watching her watch Dina. His eyes said it all. She's right there. I'm not.

Ellie clenched her hand again, on purpose. Jesse disappeared, but the words didn't.

She stood and slowly pushed the gate open.

The wild grass brushed past her arms, welcoming her back. She could swear she felt it on her fingers, all of them.

JJ saw her first. He blabbered like only a baby could, excited to see anything and everything. Ellie fought a smile. He'd grown some. She wondered how long it had been.

But then Dina saw her.

Ellie stopped at the steps, not daring to walk up them. Dina slowly stood up, JJ in hand, and moved to the top of the steps.

She'd been ready for shouting, for anger, or even a flat out get out. Silence was worse.

Then, "You're hurt."

Ellie looked down at her hand again. She'd already forgotten. "It's better than it was."

Dina stared at her, holding her eye contact. Ellie felt like a wilted flower, trying to hold its petals close as even the lightest gale tugged them from her hands.

"Come in, let's take a look at it."

Dina turned around and went inside. Wordless, Ellie followed.

Setting JJ down on the couch with his little elephant, Dina vanished into the kitchen. Ellie stood in the living room, listless.

There was a mirror on the wall. For the first time in however long it had been, Ellie saw herself.

She saw how her shirt hung off her loose, no ounce of body fat to keep it fitting. She saw scars stretching on her arms. She saw her missing fingers. She saw weariness.

She didn't see herself.

Ellie fell to her knees and then to the ground. She felt tired, so tired. Her eyes closed.

When they opened, Dina had her in her lap, stroking her hair.

"Are you mad?" Ellie croaked.

"Furious." Dina's eyes showed it, raw pain that had never scabbed over to heal. But they softened, warming.

"I'm sorry," Ellie said. It was stupid, but she didn't know what else to say.

"I know, it's why I didn't tell you to leave." This time Dina looked away. "If you ever walk out that door again to leave, I won't be here when you come back."

Ellie nodded.

"I don't forgive you. I don't know if I ever will."

Ellie nodded again. That, she understood.

"But JJ missed you." With that, Dina offered a small smile. "You have a lot to make up to me. To us."

"Thank you," Ellie whispered.

She cried in Dina's lap, but the woman said nothing. She kept running a hand through Ellie's hair.

When she fell back asleep, there weren't nightmares for the first time in months.

Author Notes: Usually before I write for a fandom, I sink so many hours into a game and its characters that I know them front to back. But here I beat Last of Us 2 today and I needed to pour out emotion for my darling lesbian. I will not say this is anywhere close to perfect, but I needed this therapy from how much that game has fucked my emotions up. Hope you enjoy, and enjoyed the game. I certainly did.