This story is quite a far cry from anything I normally do, so I'll briefly explain the premise.

THIS IS IMPORTANT TO EVERYONE READING THE STORY FOR THE FIRST TIME:

To anyone who's coming here for the first time: hi. If you've seen/read Monogatari, skip this paragraph and read ahead. If not, let me introduce you to one of my personal favorite characters in all of fiction: Kiss-Shot Acerola-Orion Heartunderblade. She's a 600 year old vampire with an incredibly beautiful and tragic story, and the premise of this story is that she's in the DxD world. That's about it. Read on for more information, or go ahead and skip to the story if that's all you need.

If any of you have seen/read the Monogatari series, one of the protagonists here will be very familiar to you. Her name is Kiss-Shot Acerola-Orion Heartunderblade, the most powerful being in the Monogatari world. (Still weaker than probably anyone in the top ten of DxD, so don't think this'll be one of those OP GREAT RED INFINITE POWER! kinda things.)

Anyway, I started thinking about how the MC of Monogatari, Koyomi Araragi, is pretty similar to Issei, and how Issei would probably save Kiss-Shot in the same way Araragi did. For those of you who don't know: essentially, this high school dude (Araragi) finds a half-dead beautiful woman who's actually a vampire, and he offers her his life to save her. She resurrects him as a vampire, and that kicks off the Monogatari canon. I figured, "hey, Issei would probably do the exact same thing! What an interesting story that would be!" and kinda just started writing and took it from there.

There are going to be a couple key differences in this story, and I will say it's not a full crossover, hence me not putting it in the crossover archive. (And also because crossover archives and the Monogatari archive are all dead af.) Very few Monogatari characters will be in this story, and Kiss-Shot is the only main character not from DxD.

With all that said, this is not JUST a story for monogatari fans. I'll do my best to explain things in way that appeals to the average DxD fan, and try my hardest to cover everything you might have questions over. This first chapter should answer most questions, but the actual backstory isn't something that's covered just yet. That is on purpose, I assure you.

Anyway, I'll get out of your way now. Please enjoy, and don't forget to review.

"Does that boy feel...different, to you?"

"Yes, he does. Something is ominous about him."

"Smells like blood. I don't like him."

Three people stood still in the middle of a crowded school hallway, watching another who was several meters away. Their quarry was a brunette boy, who other than his red t-shirt and opened blazer, looked just like any other average Kuoh student.

"That's just Issei Hyoudou, though, right? Like, the pervert? He's not new or anything," the oldest member of the trio said, brushing a stray black hair out of her face.

The boy tripped over a shoelace, stumbling and luckily recovering just before he face-planted. He gave a half-hearted chuckle before resuming his walk, rubbing the back of his head in embarrassment.

"As far as I know...yeah, that's just him. Unless he's awakened a sacred gear?" The only boy between the three of them rubbed his chin in thought.

"He smells like blood," the smallest one and only first-year repeated, sniffing the air with a deadpan.

While the hallway was crowded, no one was paying the three any mind, and even if they did, most wouldn't have a clue what was being talked about. After all, they were only humans.

Mostly.

"I guess we should tell Rias. Someone running around with a sacred gear unlocked without realizing it would be bad news."

"Or even worse, he has already realized it."

"He still stinks."

"Issei, do you have anything to add?"

"Huh?"

Issei looked up from his desk in a daze, quickly realizing all eyes were on him. His literature teacher, a rather uncouth man in his forties, had just called on him in the middle of a lecture while he'd been blissfully napping on his desk.

Issei wiped a tendril of drool off the corner of his mouth, then looked at the board- nothing immediately jumped out at him, so he was a little lost.

"Uh...what was the problem, again?"

"Your sleeping in my class is the only problem here, mister Hyoudou. I was asking if you had anything to add about vampires in western myth, since you're so enthused about the lecture."

"Oh. Right. I knew that, ha…"

"So? Do you?"

"Know anything about vampires? Uh, yeah? I guess."

A surprised grin graced the face of the uptight literature teacher.

"Oh? Do tell."

"Like...something specific?"

"Sure. Why don't you tell us why vampires don't like garlic?"

Issei started to say he didn't know, but then perked up like he remembered something- or like he heard something.

"Well, actually, that's a myth," he said, looking a little surprised himself. He hissed after he finished the sentence, as he was unable to stop himself from spilling a few beans too many.

The teacher, noticing his hesitation, was quick to interject.

"Please, go on. I think we're all intrigued to hear what you have to say."

"Well, uh...garlic is a natural anticoagulant, so vampires used to spread rumors that it would ward them off when in reality it just made people easier to...drink?"

Issei looked like he himself didn't really know where he'd come up with that fact.

After a moment of silent consideration, the teacher laughed out loud.

"Well, it seems like someone read Twilight one too many times. Putting that obviously false trivia aside and moving on,-"

"Geez, don't call on me if you're gonna ignore what I say. Prick."

[What a lout! To call our history 'false'! Thou shouldst leave this place of learning immediately, 'tis obviously incorrigible!]

A childish voice, belonging to someone obviously no older than maybe ten, spoke directly into Issei's mind. He answered in kind.

"Tell me about it. Why are you awake so early, by the way? Also, what the hell was that? Is that really why people eat garlic?!"

[Mm, indeed, 'tis a seasoning most welcome to our kind. And, I am awake because I am awake.]

"Wow, very comprehensive."

[Many thanks, my lord.]

"That was sarcasm."

[Sar-what's-am?]

"Don't pretend to not know what sarcasm is!"

[Thou hast clearly lost thy mind. I invented the art.]

Issei ignored the voice coming from his mind as he laid his head back down on the desk. The sun was out, and that meant he was tired- and that meant he would sleep, whether the teacher liked it or not.

The slow drone of the teacher's voice was like a lullaby to his ears, sending him to sleep before he could even realize it.

The next thing he heard was the "school's over" bell, and he was on his feet before his brain even caught up.

Without really acknowledging anyone or anything, he let his feet carry him out the classroom and into the hallways, aiming to go home- but he got a strange vibe, like someone was staring a hole in the back of his head.

Issei glanced around, but nothing seemed out of the ordinary.

['Tis likely nothing. Thou art as frighty as they come.]

"Shouldn't you be more paranoid? Y'know, since you used to be literally hunted for sport?"

[Sport! Pah, I was hunted for necessity.]

"What a terrifying sentence…"

[My master...could thou do me a favor?]

"Sure. What's on your mind?"

[Remind me of thine ultimate goal.]

"My ultimate goal? Do you even have to ask?!"

Smirking, Issei flung his right hand to the side and pumped his left hand in the air, in a pose straight out of a shounen anime.

"I'll become a harem king!"

Issei proclaimed this most honorable Ultimate Goal to the highest heavens, not really caring who was around him.

[Kaka! Truth be told, I hadn't forgotten. I merely like seeing thine enthusiasm. If I recall, my former thrall had something of a harem himself. Of course, 'twas more common in that era.]

"In feudal Japan? Yeah, I guess that makes sense."

With that, he kept walking, the odd feeling dismissed from his mind. He figured it was just a kendo-club girl giving him the stink eye from around some corner or something.

He didn't really know why they hated him so much. After all, aside from being just a tad bit perverted, Issei Hyoudou was the very picture of a perfect gentleman.

[Take care, my master. If thy head should swell any more, thou will likely fall over and perish from the impact.]

"Gee, thanks."

Issei spoke out loud, but by this point the crowd was thinned enough that nobody really heard him. Everyone was heading home, with a few club-goers here and there being mostly the only exceptions.

As he left the school grounds, he kept sparing glances this way and that, trying to pinpoint the source of the odd feeling. Nothing ever stood out.

After several minutes of walking silently, Issei came up on a bridge going over a road. It was his normal route home, and was normally empty, but this time there stood a lone girl in an unfamiliar school uniform facing his direction and looking more than a little nervous. He initially didn't pay her any mind, but once he got a little closer it became more and more clear she was waiting for him.

"Issei Hyoudou?"

"Uh, yeah, that's me. Have we met?"

Issei asked her that, but he knew they hadn't. After all, he'd remember meeting a chick with such a rockin' bod!

She was short but not too short, had black hair that came down all the way to a slim waist, with a bust to die for!

"She's totally hot!"

[5/10, on a good day.]

"Um, n-no. My name is Yuuma Amano, from another school, and I was wondering...would you go out with me?!"

"Eh?"

"Eh?"

[Eh?]

Issei's mind ground to a halt. This chick was asking him out- on a date?!

"Go out?"

"Yeah, next sunday afternoon. Can you do it?"

"Sure, that sounds great! I can do it anytime you want!"

"It's a date then. Have a good evening," Yuuma said, practically skipping away.

"You too!"

"I really am happy you're my boyfriend," she said, turning back towards him once more before leaving entirely.

"Ditto!"

Issei clenched his fists and yelled out in happiness.

"A date! A date! This is badass, I'm so gonna see lady parts! I am the man!"

[Hey. Master.]

"Yes~?"

[While I may seem a beacon of righteous forgiveness, even I have my limits.]

"Screw you, that girl is gorgeous!"

['Twas slightly above average at best! And to agree to a date, right in front of me no less- absolutely despicable.]

"I'll buy you some donuts."

[Well, I suppose thou do want to be the harem king. Very well, I shall allow it in exchange for three Golden Delicious.]

"Deal!"

Issei was almost home now, a skip in his step- when once more, he felt the odd feeling of someone staring at him. This time, he whipped around, aiming to catch whoever it was in the act- only to find absolutely nothing.

"Agh, what the hell!"

He vigorously rubbed his head in frustration, miffed at being unable to get rid of the sensation. His senses were leagues above any normal human's, and he shouldn't have been able to have a 'false alarm' so to speak- he was understandably annoyed.

A little upset that he couldn't find what was bothering him, he spared one more cursory look around the empty Kuoh street and continued on his way.

"Hey mom, hey dad." Issei dropped his key into a bowl next to the door, before taking off his shoes and fully entering the house.

"Welcome home, Issei! How was your first day back at Kuoh?" Issei's mom was hanging up a painting she'd bought on a whim, of a postmodernist take on the famous "Starry Night" where all the stars were partially blurred out because of light pollution. She'd found it at a garage sale, but she wouldn't ever admit that to anyone. Having finished placing it, she stepped off the little ladder she was using and gave Issei a hug.

"Meet any girls?" His dad was sitting in a chair reading a newspaper, in typical dad fashion. The headline on the front read "Kuoh Track destroyed in vandalism attack!" A very much smaller line on the bottom was circled, and read "Need a housekeeper? Maids at an excellent rate!" but we'll gloss over that. The bespectacled man absentmindedly flipped through the for sale section while he awaited a response.

"It was boring, but guess what- I got a date!"

The silence that hung over the living room was deafening. "Not so starry night" fell off the wall, and Mr. Hyoudou's newspaper found itself dropping to the ground.

"A date?!" his parents cried out in unison, euphoric at the prospect of their definitely-not-porn-addicted son finally getting with a three-dimensional human female.

"Yeah! Her name is Yuuma, and we're hanging out this weekend."

"Oh, this is so exciting- our son finally got a date with a real girl, Juzo!"

"Miki, has the day finally come? Will he graduate to being a man instead of a porn-gremlin?"

Miki and Juzo Hyoudou embraced and held hands, looking in each other's eyes like they'd just been married.

"Oh honey, I think this is the happiest day of my life…" Miki whispered, tears in her eyes.

"Hey, screw you both, I was gonna get a girlfriend at some point! And isn't the happiest day of your life supposed to be your wedding day?!" Issei shouted in exasperation. They hadn't really thought he would be a 'porn-gremlin' his entire life, right?

"Don't ruin this moment for your mother!" Juzu yelled back, his wife now full-blown crying in tears of happiness.

"Ugh!" Issei, annoyed at his parents' (completely warranted) lack of faith in him, stomped up the stairs to his room on the second floor.

[Can thou really blame them? Thou art most certainly perverse. Why, thou only rescued me because of my bust, magnificent as it were.]

"That's not true! And yes, I can blame them."

Issei opened the door to his room and closed it behind him, then flung off his blazer and book-bag and slumped onto the bed.

[I suppose. Hey, master…]

"What is it?"

[Dost thou suppose that girl is 'something'?]

"'Something'? You mean like us?"

[Indeed. I spent most of my time on this world alone, but in my travels I came across many supernatural creatures. Unfortunately we're both too weak to detect them, but I suspect that girl may be one.]

"Wait, what?"

Issei sat up, not really believing his ears.

[Hm?]

"Don't 'hm' me, you little brat! You met other supernatural creatures?! Like what?"

[Oh, plenty. Angels, demons, a rather disagreeable mix of both-]

"Demons and angels are real?! You don't think you should've told me sooner?!"

[Thou art a living, or rather, unliving and breathing quasi-vampire, and thou hast the gall to ask if angels and demons walk the same Earth as we? Of course.]

"And that girl could be one?! You couldn't have said that before I agreed to go out with her?!"

Issei flung a throw-pillow at his shadow, annoyed. It bounced harmlessly off the wall.

[Hmph. Thou seemed preoccupied, and far be it from me to interfere with my master's love life.]

Issei hissed, having perceived quite a bit of animosity in those last couple words.

[Like I said, we are both of us too weak to detect the supernatural without seeing it first, but I do advise thou to use caution.]

Without warning, Issei's door opened. His mom peered inside, concern on her face.

"Issei? Was that shouting? Are you alright?"

"Uh, yeah! Just porn. Sorry."

Miki cringed, shutting the door without another word. As soon as she was gone, Issei put his head in his hands.

[Thou art truly a miserable pile of perversity.]

"Says you!"

"You were right, one hundred percent."

"Yeah, you totally called it."

"I see. I'm glad I asked you two to keep an eye on him."

"So what's next?"

"We need to make our preparations immediately. That's all we can do; everything else depends on him."

Several days later

"I sure had fun today."

"Yeah, this was the best date ever."

It was now just becoming evening, and the sun had finally dipped below the horizon when Yuuma led Issei to a nearby park. They walked side-by-side, and occasionally Issei's hand brushed against Yuuma's and made his heart race.

"Dude, I think this is my chance to make a move…!"

Issei, taking the initiative, wrapped his hand around Yuuma's. He grinned like an idiot, but barely got the chance to enjoy it before Yuuma let go of his hand and ran forward, stopping just in front of a large and beautiful fountain before turning around to face him.

"Can I ask you a question? In honor of our first date, there's something I'd like you to do...to commemorate this special moment."

Yuuma walked slowly forward until she stood just in front of him.

"Sure...! You can ask me for anything at all."

"Would you die for me?"

"Uh, sorry, what'd you say? Something must be wrong with my ears."

Issei rubbed his right ear, not really believing what he just heard.

"I don't think I heard you right, could you maybe repeat that one more time?"

"I said, I want you to die for me."

Issei didn't even have time to react.

Yuuma stepped backwards, and her clothes flew off as if ripped from her, revealing everything while she simply smirked.

"Breasticles! Those are boobs! I'm looking at boobs! My little boy eyes have finally grown into manhood! And she's super hot too"

Yuuma sprouted two black wings, and her common civilian clothes were replaced by skimpy black threads, not unlike the things Issei had seen in some of his kinkier dvds.

"What's the old saying? A sight for sore eyes? This is totally a sight for- wait, no it's not. She looks like a demon!"

Issei fell on his rear end, in utter shock at the sight in front of him. The girl who had been Yuuma was entirely different, staring down at him with contempt in her eyes.

"Name's Raynare, by the way. Well kid, I enjoyed the date. And this gift, too- very sweet."

Raynare raised her left hand, where a pink scrunchie sat on her wrist.

"Yuuma, wait-"

"Even so, it's time to die!"

With that declaration, she raised her hands, and a spear of red light formed in them.

Without even a moment's hesitation, she skewered Issei through the heart.

And it was the biggest mistake of her life.

A scream unlike anything the Fallen Angel had ever heard pierced the air, so loud she was forced to cover her ears as she fell to the ground in pain. As she looked to the source, which seemed to be Issei's body, she beheld something truly horrific.

All the blood he shed flowed into his own shadow, and a figure seemed to be rising from it. Raynare flung another spear into the seething mound, afraid.

It did nothing. The spear was consumed, disappearing entirely into the shadow just like the last of Issei's blood.

"My master bid me sleep, for he trusted you."

Raynare's heart leapt into her throat as the figure cloaked in shadow rose entirely, stepping from it like some monster in a fairy tale. Bats swirled around it, and the plant life itself seemed to recoil in fear. The voice that came from the shambling mass sounded like something ripped out of a c-tier horror movie come to life.

It was a woman, more beautiful than any Raynare had ever seen, with flowing blond hair down to her heels and eyes that could make any man's blood freeze. From those eyes, blood dripped down over her face, in the place of where tears would be on any other.

"I see now, that was a mistake."

"W-what are you?!"

Raynare screamed and threw another spear. The woman simply slapped it aside, as if she couldn't care less.

"I am Kiss-Shot Acerola-Orion Heartunderblade, the Iron-Blooded, Hot-Blooded, Cold-Blooded vampire. I was slumbering inside the shadow of my master, the one who saved me- and for my sealed power to return like this, means thou hast slain him. Ye shall not live long enough to regret thy mistake."

Raynare immediately launched into the air, fleeing with all her fury. She'd heard the name before; Kiss-Shot Acerola-Orion Heartunderblade was the only Vampire to ever reach the top ten strongest beings through sheer power.

"Dost thou think to flee? Do not stain thy death with cowardice."

Raynare turned around to see Kiss-Shot aloft on her own wicked wings, and had no time to react before the Elder Vampire grabbed her right wing and ripped it off entirely. The angel screamed in pain and fear as she plummeted to the ground before landing in a heap, shattering both her legs in the same fountain she'd brought Issei to.

Kiss-Shot landed gracefully beside her slain master, and noticed something slip out of his pocket. It was a sheaf of paper with a strange seal upon it that read "have your wish granted!" Retrieving it, she felt her dead heart beat once more as a sliver of hope shown down on her. She let a drop of her blood run onto the sigil, and it began to shine with a red light. Discarding it near Issei's body, she turned towards her quarry once more.

Raynare was sobbing as she pulled her broken body out of the fountain, pleading for her life.

"Dost thou truly think I'll be so merciful as to spare thee? After thou so shamelessly murdered my other half, my master? No. Only thy death awaits. I could turn into bats and devour ye whole, or set ye alight, or give ye any number of horrific ends to atone for thy sins- but I think a simple death would be most fitting. I will leave thee with only this- thy attempt at murder failed. My master will walk the Earth again, and I shall rend thy kind from it. Die now, in vain."

Raynare screamed as Kiss-Shot's golden eyes flashed with hate, and in a single second not just the Fallen Angel but the entire fountain and a rather large chunk of the ground were obliterated. Gore rained down over the area, and the only thing remaining of her master's killer was a fine red mist and one battered wing.

Rias Gremory stared on in horror. She'd come through the summoning sigil mere moments after it was used, as planned, but nothing in her entire life could've prepared her to come face-to-face with an Elder Vampire- no, the eldest Vampire. She'd stepped out of the magic circle beside Issei's body just in time to watch the vampire named Heartunderblade eviscerate a Fallen Angel with her evil-eye, sending a grotesque shower of blood and entrails and organs all over the park. The devil fell to her knees beside Issei's body- she was going to be sick.

Kiss-Shot, noticing the one she'd summoned had arrived, turned towards Rias. "Judging from that symbol on the talisman, thou art a demon, no? Resurrect him," she said, gesturing to her master's corpse. She slowly approached Rias and the body.

Rias' mouth opened and closed, but in the face of such an impossibly powerful being she couldn't even form a sentence. The aura of death and despair was overpowering her mind, and it took everything she had not to immediately flee.

"I will not harm thee. The light has pierced his heart, an instant death for one of our kind. Even my blood will not bring him back now...so I beseech thee. Save him. Please…" Kiss-Shot's unfazed facade faltered for a moment towards the end of her sentence, and her voice cracked.

Then, even through all her fear, Rias understood.

Issei must be her child.

Kiss-Shot knelt down beside him and cradled his body, tears of blood streaming down her face.

"I can bring him back to life. But he won't be human, and he'll have to join me as part of my peerage."

"'Tis fine. He may hate me for this decision, but 'tis mine to make. Do it."

"Wake up, or I'll kill you dead! Wake up bitch, or I'll chop off your balls!"

Issei awoke with a groan, aiming to slap his alarm clock. He noticed several things, all at once. First: it was very dark in his room. Second: he could still see.

Third: he was not alone.

In a lot of fiction, when a teenage male protagonist realizes they aren't alone upon waking up, there's generally a girl on top of them.

They are not generally on top of a woman themselves.

"...?!"

Issei almost jumped in surprise, only to find himself unable to move as he was being coddled by a centuries old vampire woman, held tightly to her like he was a body pillow.

"Shinobu?! Why are you big again?!" Issei yelled out, trying to free his arms from Kiss-Shot's death grip. "Are you asleep? Seriously? Wake up!" He wiggled and writhed, but then realized something else.

Shinobu, in her full "Kiss-Shot" form, had a bust size that was second to none. Issei's mind was immediately blank, as the position she was holding him in had his face right between the twin peaks. Not only that, but her typical red dress was nowhere to be found.

"N-n-n-n-n-n-naked!"

It was at that point Issei's higher functioning essentially shut down. He was being embraced by what was undoubtedly the most beautiful woman to have ever lived, and she was as naked as the day she was born.

"Be silent. 'Tis entirely too early in the day for us to awaken."

"Guguhcuk…" Issei made an entirely unintelligible noise as Kiss-Shot tightened her four-limbed grip around him, pushing him even further into the Valley of Heaven.

"Thou hast seen me naked. We shall have to be wed now, methinks."

Issei didn't really want to disagree, but he had more pressing matters at the moment- even more pressing than the two big matters literally pressing against him, to his great surprise.

She interrupted his thoughts once more, before he could respond.

"After thou bid me live against my will, thou think'st ye can die so easily? Idiot."

"I...died?"

There was a pause, and Kiss-Shot sighed before continuing.

"Instantly. A stake through the heart has always wounded vampires, but made of pure light, and at that weak of a form? Thou never could've survived. 'Twas my fault."

The warmth from Kiss-Shot's body was intoxicating, and Issei found it hard to stay coherent, but somehow the memory of dying jogged him into lucidity.

"I died. Yuuma- or, Raynare- killed me."

"Speak not the wretch's name."

Issei felt the distaste rolling off Kiss-Shot in waves.

"What did you do to her?"

"Destroyed her. Without spectacle, without mercy. I did not devour her, as I felt it would disgrace thy memory."

Issei didn't even know what to think. His girlfriend, whom he'd had an amazing time with and truly started to crush on...had felt nothing? The whole time? And rather than simply ghosting him like most would, she murdered him?

"But, if you're here…and I'm alive...?"

Issei went to move an arm, aiming to feel his canine teeth, and Kiss-Shot shook her head in denial. She refused to part with any part of him for even a single moment.

"Thou art indeed a full vampire at the moment, as am I. But thou art also something else- something not so easily reversed. Something irreversible, I fear to say."

Kiss-Shot looked away, unable to face his gaze.

"Thou hast lost thy humanity for a second time, unable to return. It was the price for thy life...I'm so sorry."

The first time he'd lost his humanity, it'd been her fault. A desperate attempt to rage against the inevitable fate of her kind, to try and stem the growth of the boredom that would lead to her demise- as well as a foolish attempt at suicide- and it had cost him everything. This time, it had been similar. A feeble thing, done of her own selfish volition. He could've died in relative peace this time, but she couldn't live on without him, and so she bid Rias Gremory force him to live once more.

"It's not your fault. You totally saved my life."

Issei didn't have a clue what she was talking about, but he knew one thing; Kiss-Shot Acerola-Orion Heartunderblade, known to him as Shinobu Oshino; was absolutely awful when it came to saying how she really felt. For her to literally admit something bad was her fault and outwardly express guilt and sorrow- she had to be crushed inside.

Issei pushed himself off of her, addressing her eye to eye. She looked absolutely heartbroken- a state he'd only seen her in once before.

"I don't really know all of what happened. It's all a blur after we got to that fountain, and I don't remember anything after Ra- after that bitch transformed. But I do know nothing that happened was your fault. I should've listened to your warning- I shouldn't have trusted her. But I made you stay away. Don't for a second think it was your fault, ya' hear?!"

Issei stared up into her golden eyes, resolve reflected in his own. She looked down at him and knew he meant every single word, and her dead heart was calmed.

Shinobu's eyes watered, and this time she shed a single real tear, not one of blood.

Once more she pulled him into her embrace, and this time smothered him completely in her bosom. A smirk graced her face, as she knew exactly what kind of man Issei was, above all else.

A true savior, a knight who needs no shining armor.

But, secondly, he was a breast man, and breasts she had in droves. Not a single man, alive or dead, in all history, had ever seen her in such a state as this- until today, not even Issei had seen her in the nude. But, as both retribution for causing his death a second time and as a late reward for being her savior, she'd chosen to appear this way for him, and only him.

"Issei, are you awake? You're going to be late!"

"Oh God, oh shit-"

Issei began to violently try and flee Shinobu's grasp, while his mother banged on the door.

"What time is it?!" he hissed quietly to the vampire, who begrudgingly let go of him.

"'Tis early morning. I created some drapes to block the windows, as we would both burn in the sun."

Shinobu watched him rise from the bed in a clamor, turning on her side to observe him while he floundered to make himself presentable. She cleared her throat, gesturing to her(still naked)self. Issei had two conflicting instincts- one to drink the sight in and save it to the spankbank, and another to immediately avert his eyes.

She laughed, and in a show of power she created her red dress over herself while relishing his disappointed gaze.

"Oh, right."

She had been reminding him, offering a visual demonstration of what he could do now that he was at full power.

Issei followed suit, his skin morphing itself into the typical unfettered Kuoh uniform instead of one with a gaping hole and bloodstains. A vampire at their level could shape their flesh into any form they desired, clothing included.

"Wait...Shinobu."

"Yes, my master?"

Issei's voice caught in his throat. It was just a little bit strange, having a woman of such beauty calling him 'master.' Not unlike the things he'd seen in his kinkier dvds, he vaguely mused. But, then he shook his head, dismissing the thought in favor of his actually important question.

"If I'm not human anymore, but not just a vampire- what am I?" he asked the question in nearly an inaudible tone, looking down at the ground.

"A devil," replied Kiss-Shot Acerola-Orion Heartunderblade.

With that chilling revelation, the door opened.

Miki Hyoudou came face to face with something that she never thought she'd see. A blonde woman of immeasurable beauty stood next to her son, towering at least a whole head over him and wearing an immaculate red and black dress with tall heels to match.

"Oh my God, did you get a HOOKER?!"

Issei's mother fainted.

"Tell me why we're doing this, again…?"

"Because thy new master decreed it so, and without my aid ye'd not last a moment under the sun. Plus, it's quite amusing to watch ye be shamed so."

"It's a lot easier to pick on you when you aren't half a foot taller than me…"

Issei and Shinobu, in broad daylight, walked together under a large black-and-red victorian umbrella. The sun was sweltering even in their portable shade, and it was nearly so unbearable that Issei could ignore the stares of everyone around- but not quite. His hearing was currently impeccable enough to detect the heartbeat of everything hundreds of meters around, so naturally he could hear every word being said.

"Is that Issei's mom?!"

"No way! She's gotta be a supermodel!"

"She's seriously the prettiest woman I've ever seen in my life!"

"Is he holding her hostage?!"

"She's like a twelve outta ten!"

"Screw that! A scale up to ten doesn't even do her justice!"

"Geez...you must be eating this up."

"Kaka, 'twould be a fib to say I wasn't enjoying it."

"Would it kill them to throw some of that love my way? My self esteem is getting hurt, here."

"'Twould make them all liars."

"I'll just go ahead and leap into the sun now, thanks."

"By all means, go ahead. Ye shall burn and regenerate until the sun goes down, at your current power."

"I just can't win."

"I would say ye had quite a win this morning."

"It was amazing!"

His current plight forgotten, Issei pumped his fist in the air in remembrance of the fan-tits-tic event earlier in the morning, accidentally going past the boundary of the umbrella keeping him safe. He hissed in pain and pulled his burning hand back into it while Shinobu chuckled darkly.

As they entered Kuoh grounds, the gossip picked up exponentially. Shock and awe could be seen on the faces of everyone the pair passed, culminating in Matsuda and Motohama. The two would normally accost him for so much as walking with a girl, but the pair was so mesmerized by Kiss-Shot's beauty they couldn't even move, much less approach.

"We're turning every head in school...this is so gonna bite me in the ass."

Issei groaned, rubbing his head.

"Better than a bite to the neck, kaka!"

Shinobu laughed out loud at the lame joke and nudged Issei with her hip in good humor. The poor boy was almost knocked out of the umbrella by her sheer strength alone.

"So...who's my 'new master' exactly?"

Issei spoke under his breath, so someone with vampiric senses could easily hear him but no one else would ever have a chance.

"But a meal, if ye wish it so."

"Okay, I appreciate the enthusiasm, but who are they actually?"

"The one with red hair."

"Wait, what?!"

Issei stopped in his tracks, forcing Shinobu to pivot and turn around with the umbrella so he wouldn't immediately ignite.

"Rias Gremory is my master?!"

Issei whispered furiously, a wicked grin on his face.

Shinobu shrugged. "I know not her name. She has hair like blood and breasts not nearly as magnificent as mine."

"I got resurrected by the prettiest girl in school?!"

Issei was almost shouting now, but still no one heard him. They were too focused on Shinobu, if they were even watching.

"Hoh? I didn't know she possessed such a title."

"Well, I guess at the moment you're the prettiest girl in school."

He made to continue walking, but this time Shinobu stopped in place. He looked back to see the ancient vampire lord looking away with an uncharacteristic blush.

"A-am I? What about me?"

"What about you is pretty?"

"What specifically…"

"I mean, it's not anything in specific, it's everything! From your bouncy golden hair to your smooth skin, the shape of your eyes, your lips, and of course your figure, perfect beyond compare, not to mention the immaculate proportions of your arms and legs! There's no question that if Leonardo da Vinci were alive today, he'd paint your portrait in place of the Mona Lisa-"

"Cease!"

Shinobu slapped Issei on the back, which at her full power, actually knocked his spine entirely out of place. He struggled not to scream while his vampiric healing fixed the damage, and to any outsiders it would've just looked like she pinched him on the back and he recoiled.

"Did I say something wrong? Geez…"

"Thou didst not, thou didst not. Not a single thing."

"You're the oldest tsundere on the planet."

"I shan't deny the charge."

They both continued walking, and once they finally reached the doors of Kuoh's Old School Building (and the shade of its roof) Shinobu tucked the umbrella away, or at least that's what the students saw. In reality, it had just been part of her "flesh" in the first place, quite like their clothes were.

"Thy master bid me bring you here once you awakened. I imagine she awaits inside."

"Awakened? Wait, how long was I asleep?"

"A fortnight."

"What?!"

"I jest. 'Twas merely a day. Thy body, once resurrected, needed time to adjust to being a devil. Then, naturally, I made you a vampire once more."

"Oh."

"I sense several people inside. Hoh?"

Shinobu sniffed the air, then chuckled darkly.

"One of our ilk is inside somewhere, though not nearly as strong."

Issei had the same sense of small she did, but not nearly as much experience. He could smell everything she could, but couldn't identify even a tenth of the things she could.

"There's a vampire in Kuoh?"

"Three, counting we."

"Touche."

They entered the building, supposedly the home base of one of the clubs Issei had heard about- the Occult Research Club. It was said to have three of Kuoh's prettiest girls, as well as the Prince Issei hated with a passion.

They walked up a flight of stairs, Issei in front of Shinobu, and came up to a set of dark brown victorian style double doors with a lit candle on either side.

"Smells of incense."

"Is that what that is? Yeesh, it reeks like one of those shops in the mall where they spray perfume in your face."

Issei knocked on the door, awaiting a response.

"Come in," replied a girlish voice on the other side.

He opened the door. Seated at an ornate desk on the far end of the room was Rias Gremory, with Akeno Himejima behind her. Kiba Yuuto and Koneko Toujou sat on lavish twin couches, beside each other on one across from another that was empty. Koneko was eating a donut, and Shinobu's eyes were immediately on her.

"Uh...hi," Issei said with a halfhearted wave, unable to really form a coherent sentence when faced with three of his school's idols.

"Hello Issei, hello miss Heartunderblade."

Rias waved, then gestured for them to sit.

"Ye may refer to me as Shinobu. Only my enemies feel the wrath of that name."

Shinobu sat down on one of the couches, and Issei moved to sit down beside her only to be rather forcibly seated on her lap instead. She wrapped her arms around the heavily embarrassed Issei and put her chin on his head, looking like a mother might coddle her child.

"Aw, you two are really cute," Akeno cooed, something in her sparking at the sight of Issei like that.

"I'm Rias Gremory, a devil. These are Akeno Himejima, Koneko Toujou, and Kiba Yuuto, all also devils," she gestured to each of them as she spoke, and they all bowed in turn to the pair.

"Issei, as of about a day ago, you are also a devil."

Rias rather abruptly sprouted black bat-wings from behind, and each of the other devils in the room did as well. Issei felt an odd tingling in the small of his back, and he also ejected a pair of wings. He struggled to turn and look at them, but he was rather hindered by Shinobu's embrace.

"I'm sure this is a lot to take in, but since your mother is a vampire you must be pretty acclimated to the supernatural already."

"...my mother?" Issei asked, a great deal of 'what the fuck are you talking about' written on his face.

"Is...is miss Shinobu not your mother?" Rias seemed taken aback.

"What? No! What gave you that-"

Issei stopped short as he realized the position he was in, being held like a baby in the lap of a woman who looked to be almost twenty-seven.

"-nevermind. Anyway, no, Shinobu's not my mom."

"Oh, wow. In that case, you guys are really cute," Akeno giggled, her entire view on the relationship dynamic changing in an instant.

Kiba actually blushed, which made Issei want to puke. His entire being was like something ripped out of a fluffy BL novel.

"I see. Well, putting that aside, you are as of this moment a vampire-devil hybrid. When you were resurrected, you were approximately ninety-five percent human and five percent vampire. After reincarnating into a devil, you were one-hundred percent devil, but then Shinobu re-inflicted you with vampirism. So, at this very moment, you are both one-hundred percent vampire and also somehow another one-hundred percent devil. If I'm being honest, however, I've never heard of someone who's mostly human but also a vampire- before we do anything, could I ask you elaborate on your condition prior to resurrection?"

Rias spoke like a seasoned politician, yet somehow made everything easy to understand.

"Uh, I guess. I saved Shinobu's life, and she resurrected me as a vampire. Then, because I wanted to go back to being a human, we fought, and I realized the more I drained her blood the closer we both got to being human. I didn't want to kill her though, so I drained her to the point where she was just a little girl and she hid inside my shadow. Does that sum it up…?"

"Not really."

"The only way to regain lost humanity as a resurrected vampire is to kill thine own master, and devour them. The boy drained me to the point where I was as weak as a human and in the process he himself recovered enough of his humanity that while he was still not human, he was infinitely far from being a vampire."

"Oh, now I think I get it. Thank you, miss Shinobu."

"Aye."

"So here's the situation at large. I'll explain more later on, but this is how things are at the moment. Devils are a species much like humans, but that live primarily in a place called the underworld. High-class devils have groups of servants called a peerage, who are somewhat like family members. Issei, you are the newest member of my peerage. It had to be done, to revive you."

"Cool. What do we do now?"

"I- you're not upset?"

"I mean, not really. As long as I get to stay with my real family and don't have to do anything super awful like taking people's souls, I don't really care. This devil shiz sounds pretty sick."

"Oh. Well then. I'm glad you're so on-board. I didn't even have to tell you about the harems."

"The...the what?"

"Oh yeah, if you became a high-class devil you could totally have your own harem."

Rias said the words in a very nonchalant manner, but they shook Issei to the core.

"My...my own harem?"

Shinobu laughed and let go of him just in time for the boy to explode excitedly out of her arms in a fist-up pose.

"Fuck yeah! I'm gonna be the harem king!"

How was it? If you've read any of the Monogatari novels, you might be thinking "Oh wow, Issei is a LOT like Araragi!" and to that I say, amen. I don't really have much to say down here, but if you have questions feel free to PM me or to join my discord:

discord .gg /fFSdpJP

Yeah, that's about it. Please leave a review or suggestions, and look forward to the next chapter.

See you next mission!