WHERE ARE THE OTHER DRUGS GOING!?

This chapter is a Happy Birthday celebration for Allen Blaster. Hap birf, eat all the red velvet cake in the world and be happy.

This is so embarrassing.

My name is Naofumi Iwatani. I was summoned to Melromarc against my will, betrayed by the only companion I had, and now I was the unwilling prisoner of a man who thought I was a potato. If that wasn't crazy enough, I was currently being carried princess-style across the country.

"Okay, so I need to keep moving so I don't get caught. But I need to make sure I stop to find food. I still have most of the money from the king, but I'll have to make it last."

"Argh, would you SHUT UP!?"

Ren Amaki, who I have taken to calling Dumbass, didn't hear me shouting in his face. He never did. All he ever did was toss me up and down like a baseball while he fled from the Melromarc soldiers. My body was sore, and for some reason his grip was unnaturally strong. As soon as he grabbed me, the only hope for escape was for him to let go.

What kind of stupid curse is this, anyway!? Of all the idiots I had to get stuck with, this dumbass is the one!? I didn't even gain any experience from the monsters he killed because we were both heroes! There was literally nothing that could go worse than this!

"Can you at least fucking let me go so I can walk?" I grumbled, crossing my arms as he held me. As always, he didn't respond. Still, it was cathartic to vent my frustrations from time to time. Although he technically wasn't listening, I got to say what was on my mind without fear of being reprimanded.

Though anyone nearby could hear my voice, my captor suspiciously could not. God forbid anyone sees me in this type of situation. I might actually die from embarrassment.

Either that, or maybe they'd be my ticket out of this mess. Dumbass can go get himself killed for all I care, but I have absolutely no idea where we even are. Going off on my own could be potentially dangerous without any party members. Especially while it was as dark as it is now.

Still, it was better than staying like this. My back hurt and my legs were starting to go numb.

Soon enough, we came upon a small village. As I expected, everyone stared at the man being carried by a teenager like a princess.

"What the hell are you all looking at? Get lost!" I yelled. Most of them flinched before going about their business. A few laughed, and others nudged their friends to get them to look.

Lemmings, all of them. If I wasn't the stupid shield hero, I'd beat the hell out of them and then strangle Dumbass to death.

"Damn...I'm kind of hungry..." I moaned, clutching at my stomach. "Hey Dumbass, mind giving your unwilling prisoner a bite to eat?"

Suddenly, the boy's stomach grumbled. "There's gotta be an inn or restaurant around here somewhere..." he mumbled to himself, looking around. I facepalmed.

It was like he could hear me, but he couldn't at the same time. How the hell does this work!?

We walked into the door of a tavern, and Ren was gracious enough to set me down on my own chair rather than on the table itself. I stretched my limbs to get the feeling back as the server came by.

"What can I get ya?" he asked, hands on his hips.

"Hmm..." Dumbass said, looking at the menu before realizing he can't read. Instead, I decided to spare him the trouble.

"We'll both get a special, if you don't mind."

"Sure thing. How do you want it cooked?" he asked.

"Medium rare, if that's a thing around here."

Based on his blank stare, it wasn't. I groaned. "Just cook it enough to where it isn't bleeding like crazy, but don't burn all the flavor out of it."

"Can do. Give it like ten minutes or so." the server said before walking off.

"H-hey wait! I didn't order!" Dumbass cried out. He slumped to the table before sending a glare my way. "I hope you ordered something for me too..." he moaned.

"Be glad I did that much." I said, rolling my eyes. "I hope you like whatever the fuck your meal is medium rare, because that's what you're getting." If what we got was essentially a steak and he complained about it being not cooked enough, I may say screw it and walk away right then and there.

Our meal ended up being a lot more expensive than I expected, and to me it was practically tasteless. It felt like a waste of money, but at least it filled the void in my stomach from nearly a full day of travel.

If you could consider being carried around in a guy's arms traveling. Especially when he's shorter and weaker than you.

Dumbass ended up being pretty satisfied with his meal, however, so it wasn't all a waste. I tried to get his attention and walk away so I didn't have to get carried, but he snatched me up before I could get more than a few steps away from him.

I swear to god, I'm going to murder him one day. Then I'll murder everyone who sees me commit the crime. Then I'll murder myself.

We were about to leave the village when I overheard shouting and screaming. Both my and Dumbass's head snapped in the direction of the sound, and he stopped walking.

"No! NO! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"

It sounded like a little girl, which made my rage bubble back up to the surface. If it was a woman, it had to be just like that bitch who screwed me over. But then again...

Dumbass, for all his faults and strange mannerisms, stuck up for me when nobody else did. Maybe his reasons were shit, and he himself was shit, but he took my side nonetheless. He even went so far as to brand himself an enemy of the state for my sake, so I couldn't really be that mad at him.

Maybe there's a chance that not all women are terrible as well? If it weren't for Dumbass, I'd probably be sulking in a corner somewhere with no food, no money, no nothing. If he could hear me, I would thank him for giving me food at least.

"Your kicking is getting on my nerves, yes ma'am. If it weren't for your screeching, you would be safely in your cage you know. This is the third time you've been returned to me before you were due. When will you learn your lesson?" The man who spoke was short, with a circus-esque outfit and a top hat. His round glasses obscured his eyes, and his mustache made him look the type of a greasy businessman.

Dumbass started walking in that direction. "Hey, what are you doing!? Why are we getting involved!?" I pounded my fist against his chest, but he didn't even flinch. My attack stat was so low that he couldn't even feel it!

"Excuse me, but is there some kind of problem?"

I rolled my eyes as Dumbass spoke to the man. As soon as we got his attention, I could feel the man's gaze drop to me for a moment in interest before returning to my captor.

"To what do I owe the pleasure of this visit? I was not expecting a visit from the sword or shield heroes, no sir." He spoke in a nasally tone, but the inflection of his voice changed so rapidly that it sounded like he was giving a sales pitch.

"You know who we are?" I asked.

"Oh of course I do! How could I not have heard of the 'brainwashing shield hero' and the sword hero, his unwilling prisoner? You two are practically the talk of the country, yes sir!" he said, clasping his hands behind his back as he stood to his full height of around 135cm.

The man was short. Like really, painfully short.

"Y-yeah, about that..." Dumbass started, visibly nervous. "You wouldn't happen to have an easy method to cross the border, would you?"

I slapped a hand to my face. "This fuckin' guy..." I grumbled, and the man heard me.

"Trying to get across the border, hmm? To Siltvelt?" he asked, prodding for information. Don't tell him anything, Dumbass! The last thing we need is to have more people chasing after us! They'd probably only put you under the microscope if they catch you, but me!?

I wouldn't survive. I guarantee it.

"Yeah, how'd you know?"

Ugh...This guy really didn't know how to keep a lid on it. The more you tell this random guy, the more problems we have. Just walk away, dammit!

The man adjusted his glasses and his grin turned creepy. "Well then! I have an offer for the two of you, yes sir! One that you may be interested in!"

"What kind of offer?" I asked, leaning sideways in Dumbass's arms until I looked like I wanted to be painted like a French girl. "Depending on what it is, we may walk away right now."

"What do you mean?"

The man wrung his hands together and giggled perversely. "Come, come my friends! Let me show you my wares!" He led us to his caravan, which was thankfully hidden under the darkness of the evening. I was glad that we were out of the way, because inside was a small girl.

She had dirty, brown hair and tea colored eyes that screamed in terror. She was trembling, but when her eyes locked with my own pleading ones, it felt like I'd found a kindred spirit. Based on the collar around her neck and the state of her clothing - if you could call a brown rag clothing - she was definitely someone's prisoner.

"Wh-what is this!?" Dumbass cried in disgust.

"My friend, this is one of my wares! A slave who can do anything you need her to! She literally cannot disobey you or she gets a very pleasing - and painful - shock! If you're feeling a bit merciless, you can set the spell to kill her if she even dares oppose you!"

The man seemed far too thrilled to present such a 'product' to us. I was disgusted, but intrigued. Slaves couldn't disobey their master at all? Maybe she would be my ticket to actually getting to walk like a normal human being.

"Tell me more." I said, keeping my eyes fixed on the girl in question. "What do you mean she can't disobey us?"

"Slaves are all fixed with a magical crest that gives the master complete control over them. If they try to resist, they get zapped. You can choose how painful the zap is, or for what types of things she'll get the shock. My personal favorite is to leave the shock just low enough for them to keep resisting, but too strong for them to do anything about it."

The guy was a sadist. A filthy, dirty, smelly little sadist who looked like he belonged with pigs in mud. But his offer didn't sound that awful. If Dumbass had her hold me instead of him, she'd at least let me walk on my own.

Okay. Operation "Slave escape" is a go.

"Why in the world wou-"

"How much?" I cut him off, though he finished his sentence anyway. The slave trader obviously preferred my question, because he answered it instead of my captor's.

"Hmm...Well, you seem to be in quite the predicament yourself. Plus, this one has been giving my clients trouble. She has night terrors, you see, and she's terribly ill. Raccoon types like her are generally unpopular, so I'll give her to you for twenty-five silver."

"I said I-!"

"Fifteen, and you'll take care of everything involved as well." I said, leveling my glare down at him. "Plus, if you point us toward an apothecary for medicine I'll throw in another three silver."

"Hoho! That's quite a deal, shield hero! What say you, sword hero?"

"Wh-what did he offer!? He's not seriously thinking about this, is he!?"

"Let me make this easier. Repeat what I tell him, okay?" I told the trader, who nodded with his creepy smile intact. "I'm buying this slave whether you want to or not, so stop fucking carrying me around like I'm your luggage or so help me god I'll find a way to kill you before this plot of yours works out."

The trader sweatdropped before repeating what I said. Dumbass's face went from shock, to fear, then to resignation. He sighed in defeat. "Fine, but you're the one buying her. And you'd better treat her right. Look at me, the one guy who gets bossed around by a potato..."

"Again with the potato shit..." I mumbled as he let me go, and I brushed myself off. "So, do we have a deal?"

"Twenty silver and she's yours, yes sir."

"Eighteen, everything included."

"Nineteen?"

"No."

The man chuckled, and his gaze draped over me like a pox-ridden blanket. "You're quite the businessman, yes sir! I think you and I will get along better than you think!"

Dumbass groaned, but I ignored it and shook hands with the man. I managed to steal a little bit of money out of my captor's pocket when he wasn't paying attention earlier, so I had just enough to afford my new companion. As I handed the slave trader the coins, he giggled like a schoolgirl.

A creepy as hell, short, disgusting schoolgirl. The thought of him in a blazer and short skirt made me want to gag. Someone calls roll during homeroom and I imagined him saying "Yes sir!" in a high-pitched, freaky voice.

I want to die. Kill me, please. Anything but that mental image.

"Maybe if she's good enough, I'll come back when I don't have tweedle Dumbass over here with me." I said, and the man pulled me aside. Ren followed, though I saw him looking at the ground quite often. Was he embarrassed to be in this kind of situation? It's not like either of us have any other choice!

The trader had me prick my finger, and a drop of blood dripped into a pot of ink. He swirled it around and dipped a brush into it. He forced me to hold the girl still while he yanked her covering off. I was disgusted, and I wanted nothing more than to get this over with.

Slave or not, female or not, she didn't deserve to be humiliated and hurt like this. It reminded me far too much of how I was only days ago.

The ritual finished within minutes, with the girl writhing in pain as the trader gleefully painted the finishing touches onto the existing slave seal. It looked like a purple tattoo on her chest, and its design looked extremely complicated.

"There you are, all finished! There isn't an apothecary in this village, but if you continue east, you should arrive at Mirso village. The shop there is the best you'll find unless you head back toward the capital, yes sir." The trader put away the brush and last drops of ink, and I handed the girl back her clothing before stripping off my hoodie and handing her that too.

She looked confused at the gesture. "Just put it on. It'll get cold at night." I said. She nodded, putting the two layers of clothing on and marveling at them. I'm sure it was far more comfortable than what she was used to, so I didn't ask questions.

"Th-thank you...master." she whispered as we started walking away. Dumbass - I really need to call him by his name eventually - stood next to the two of us with his hands on his hips.

"I don't know what you think you're doing, but I won't be bossed around by a potato! As long as you're not gonna run off and leave me here alone, I'll let you have your little slave girl! Not like you could attack anything anyway, since you're a damn potato." he said. His snide remark rubbed me the wrong way, so I gave him the middle finger.

Not that he could see it.

We walked for a short time, and the girl was constantly coughing. She seemed really sick. If she went and died on me, I would have wasted eighteen silvers. We needed to get to Mirso for medicine, and quickly.

I bent down to the girl, and she shrunk back as if I was going to hit her. "Listen, there are a few ground rules we need to go over. You listening?"

She only nodded, eyes wide with fear. "Good. First off, don't go off and get yourself killed. I paid good money for you, and I intend to make sure you make yourself useful. Second," I jabbed a thumb at Dum- I mean, Ren - "This idiot think I'm a potato. Don't ask me how or why, because I haven't figured it out yet. I genuinely think he's broken."

The little slave girl looked between us with confusion, but nodded anyway.

"Lastly, I need your name." I said, crossing my arms.

"..." she stared up at me as if she didn't understand. I rolled my eyes.

"Your name. I need to know what to call you, because I'm sure as hell not gonna call you 'girl' or 'slave' for the rest of your life."

Seriously, did I buy someone who was already completely broken and beyond fixing? That would be such a waste of money.

"R-Raphtalia..." she whispered before breaking into a fit of coughs once again. I let my gaze soften slightly. She was really sick, and was probably starving too. What's more important for her right now, food or medicine?

Her stomach growled. "Are you hungry?" I asked. She shook her head, raccoon ears flopping back and forth a little as they pinned to her head in fear. "Stop lying to me. If you're hungry, just say so. Since Ren here can't hear my voice, I'll need you to essentially be my translator, okay? You'll need to be comfortable talking to be a translator."

"O-okay...master..."

I sighed. This was gonna be a long week, and possibly a long month. God forbid this last any longer than a year.

But at least I had someone who could one day tell Ren how much of a dumbass he is for me. Imagine that, the sword hero being told off by a little girl.

Ha! That'd be the day.