STOP! THIS STORY FOLLOWS ON FROM THE ORIGINAL SELF INSERT ADVENTURE STORY (TITLED THE INSERTENING, FIND IT ON MY PROFILE) FROM CHAPTER SEVEN. IF YOU HAVEN'T READ UP TO THERE, THIS STORY WON'T MAKE A LOT OF SENSE TO YOU.

Current artwork for this story is recycled from the Self Insert Supports series, and is a placeholder until XcelltasticX finishes the official version.

Can't Buy Me Love - a Metallover's Self Insert Apocryphal Tale

Chapter 1 - An Annapocryphal Tale

So far, the script had been going to plan. It was almost the climax of the Plegia Campaign at this point, meaning we'd lost Emmeryn and escaped to Regna Ferox, and now we were just waiting for Chrom to shake himself out of his funk so we could launch our counter-offensive.

I let out a mighty yawn, shuffling through the fort we had spent most of the last month camped in around lunchtime. I say 'around' because I had no idea what time it really was. I'd been cooped up doing my rosters and checking reports all morning, and it didn't look like things were going to be any different after lunch.

According to the latest batch of reports, the Feroxi clans were all assembled and waiting for Chrom's go-ahead. Which meant that it was finally time to move the story forward. I was planning on testing the waters that night at dinner, seeing how Chrom was doing, and then sicking Sumia on him. She'd slap him, we'd all laugh, and then go back to the desert for the last mission before the time-skip.

Only for me there would be no time-skip.

"What the hell am I going to do for two whole years?" I muttered to myself as I stepped into the dining room.

It was faster to get to the kitchen, which held the food, by going through the fort's dining room. While the dining hall was mostly unused by the Shepherds, who simply ate in the common room, a few people were doing some quiet reading or something similarat the big, long table. It just so happened that today Anna was counting her money there, quietly giggling to herself.

Rarely a good sign.

"Someone's awful chipper this morning," I mentioned conversationally, closing the heavy door behind me. "What'd you do, scam someone?"

Her gaze snapped up, a wary glare directed at me as she leaned forward and shielded her pile of coins from my prying eyes. I stopped dead under the pressure of her glare, our eyes meeting for a moment before I sighed and rolled my eyes to break her spell on me.

"And just like that I don't care," I shrugged, making for the kitchen.

"If you really wanna know I just sold some inventory at three times the price I paid for it!" Anna said triumphantly.

I smirked, coming to a stop again. Of course she'd wanted to gloat.

"Well, that's great!" I said, clapping my hands in mock excitement. "So long as I wasn't one of the poor bastards who fell for it?"

"Hey, if you don't know the game, you shouldn't make the deal!" Anna chided with a wink, sweeping her coins back into their pouch and laughing.

"I believe the line is 'don't hate the player, hate the game' where I'm from," I chuckled.

"Ooh, that's good too," Anna smirked. "But don't worry. It wasn't you. You actually seem to have a pretty good head on your shoulders when it comes to commerce…"

"Yeah, by this world's standards," I scoffed. "No one's ever said that to me before. Ever. I'm shit with money."

The merchant woman gave a deep, contented sigh and stood, bouncing the full pouch in her palm a few times before depositing it safely back in the pocket of her red and yellow travelling clothes, then spinning with a flourish of her short little cape.

"Ah, there's nothing like the feeling of when the coins hit your hand."

"Yeah, whatever," I scoffed. "Can't say I'm overly familiar with having large sums of currency in my possession."

"Then you're missing out! I tell ya, the path to happiness is paved with gold!" Anna went on enraptured, tilting her head back and giving another little spin as she came around the table.

"Well, you're not wrong," I shrugged, crossing my arms. "Can't do anything without cash. And knock that off before ya get dizzy."

Anna froze mid-spin, giving me a surprised look.

"You really think that?" she said, relaxing and moving to stand in front of me.

"Of course I do," I laughed, grinning. "Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy things, which makes me happy. Much as I hate to admit, it's the single most important thing in the world next to air and sustenance. Both of which you can buy with money, by the way."

Anna nodded, a huge smile growing on her face.

"Go on," she said.

"What?" I laughed. "It's the truth. Give me a pile of cash over just about anything and I'm a happy camper. Hell, money can even buy love! Not, you know, the traditional kind, but something pretty damn close. So yes, Anna, I agree with you. The path to happiness is indeed paved with gold."

The plucky merchant sniffled as if she'd just been presented the Miss Ylisse Pageant crown (if there was such a thing), nodding quickly in time to the last few lines of my little spiel, stars practically gleaming in her eyes. Or, well, this was Anna, so it was probably dollar-signs, but the effect was the same. I'd only spoken truth; to my mind cash was everything in the world, and I wasn't afraid to admit it.

Clearly, Anna found my opinion agreeable, because after only a few moments of seemingly intense thought…

"Marry me," Anna chirped.

"No," I said without a moment of thought.

"Aw, c'mon," she pestered, latching onto my arm. "With that mindset we could be the merchant king and queen of the whole world!"

"Anna, you barely know me," I laughed. "What if I'm secretly a psychopath? Or I have really bad habits that drive you nuts?"

"Finding all that stuff out is part of a fun marriage!" Anna insisted.

"No, that's part of a relationship, and not the committed kind," I shot back.

"C'mon," Anna said, leaning back, her voice taking on a sultry purr. "Are you telling me you don't want all this?"

As she spoke, she brushed a hand down herself as if she were showing off a new car, before conspicuously jingling the coins in her pocket as she leaned forward to wink at me, offering a tantalizing glimpse of cleavage.

While Anna was no lean beauty like Lucina or buxom bombshell like Tharja, she was still a painfully attractive woman. All of the female Shepherds were, equally to my delight and continuing frustration.

I swallowed and leaned back a little, trying to resist the temptation.

"Are you serious right now?" I asked. "You shouldn't play with men like this. It'll come back to bite you one day."

"I'm being totally serious right now," Anna said, her wide grin not quite matching her words. "What can I say? I'm a whimsical girl. So you wanna get married now or what?!"

She leaned forward until I actually had to step back, bumping into the table as Anna loomed over me.

"Jesus, Anna, personal space!" I said. "It's just… my cousin's name is Anna! It'd be weird!"

"My whole family's names are Anna, though," she said, quirking her head a little.

"That is actually a very good point," I conceded. "But you don't think this is a little sudden or anything? Like I said, you barely know me."

"I told you I was whimsical!" she sighed, rolling her eyes before sing-songing, "Better decide quick, before my whimsy takes me in a new direction."

I blinked a few times as Anna turned away, offering me a sly grin over her shoulder.

And I actually stopped to consider the offer.

"You gonna make me sign a prenup?" I asked, narrowing my eyes. "Because I'm not putting in the work and getting nothing for it."

"What?" Anna asked, spinning back to face me. "What's a 'prenup'?"

"An agreement that basically keeps our finances separate," I explained.

"Is that common in your homeland?" Anna asked, frowning.

"I mean, fairly common, yeah," I shrugged.

"Well, no, I won't," she said, almost sounding cross. "That kinda defeats the purpose of getting married, doesn't it? 'What's mine is yours and yours mine'?"

I blinked.

"You're… offering to share your finances with me?" I said slowly. "You? Anna? Are offering to… share your money with me?"

"Not for free, buster! You gotta earn it!" Anna huffed.

"And this is… a real marriage you're offering?" I went on. "Not some weird local tax-dodge?"

"Why would you even insinuate that?" Anna said, crossing her arms. "Yes, I'm suggesting a real marriage! If you don't want to-"

"You realize that married couples have sex, right?" I cut her off.

This brought Anna up short, and she started to blush up to her roots as she gaped at me for a moment, before rallying and stomping her foot.

"I know what married couples do!" she shouted embarrassedly. "You don't have to say it out loud! Now are you gonna marry me or not!?"

I watched her panting for a moment, bent over from the force of her shout at me and her fists clenched at her sides, her face still red.

It was adorable.

"You know what?" I said, crossing my arms and sinking to a hip. "Fuck it. I'm in. Let's get married."

Anna blinked at me again, straightening up.

"Really?" she asked.

"Sure," I shrugged. "This war's gonna end soon. I don't have anything to do, or anywhere to go afterwards and it's not like I don't like you or anything. So, fuck it. Sign me up. I'm in. Let's get hitched."

Anna froze, even holding her breath as she looked up at me. Slowly she blinked, taking a deep breath as she studied me, trying to decide if I was serious.

Then she squealed.

It started low, almost like she was about to say 'eat' or something. Then it got higher. And louder. And continued to get higher and louder, until Anna was jumping up and down and squealing so loudly that I was cringing.

"Ohmygods!" Anna shrieked. "You're serious!? You're actually serious!?"

"Yes!" I snapped. "Now tone it down a little! Unless you actually want to marry a deaf man!"

She shrieked again, launching herself at me this time, wrapping her arms around my neck and planting a big kiss on my lips.

There was only one thought going through my mind right now.

What. The. Fuck?

She pulled back, arms still resting on my shoulders as her hands dangled behind me, grinning impishly up at me (god bless this woman for being one of the minority actually shorter than me).

"Sorry, got a little carried away there," she chuckled sheepishly.

"A little?" I deadpanned.

"That's all you're getting 'til our wedding night, mister," she laughed.

"I am so lost right now."

"There's only two things that matter to us Annas," she explained happily. "Profit, and family. And adding a new member to the family is a big, big deal! I have to write to all my sisters! And my cousins! Eeek! I have to write to everyone!"

I blinked a few times.

"You're… actually serious-serious about this?" I asked tentatively.

"Yeah!" Anna giggled, smiling brightly, before her face fell a little. "I mean… aren't you? You wouldn't play with a poor young maiden's heart like that, would you?"

I quirked a brow, finally uncrossing my arms to pull Anna close. She yelped and giggled again, wrapping me in another hug and resting her head on my shoulder.

"I meant what I said and I said what I meant," I smirked.

"Oh? Is a Ben faithful one-hundred-percent?" she asked coyly.

I reeled back, eyes widening.

"We import a lot of stuff," Anna giggled.

"You… you get my references?" I asked breathlessly.

"Most of them," Anna shrugged.

I goggled at her for a moment before snapping forward again, catching her in a passionate kiss. Anna gave a muffled protest, but relented and began to kiss me back. No tongue, but it was still a nice kiss.

When Anna finally managed to wriggle enough space in my arms and pull back, she was flushed, breathing heavily and grinning shakily.

"Hey, I said one, mister," she said breathlessly.

"Couldn't help it," I grinned. "At least we're even now."

"Ahem."

We both looked up at the door I had entered through, Virion, Lissa, Sumia and Nowi all standing there, watching with varying degrees of amusement.

"We heard a lady scream," Virion explained through his grin.

Anna and I exchanged a glance, before the redhead threw up an arm and gave the peace sign.

"Better call Libra! We need a wedding!"

"Yeah. This is happening," I added. "Wait… how do you know what a peace sign is?"

Anna froze and grinned up at me.

"It's universal?" she tried weakly.

I quirked a brow, but my response was lost when Lissa, Sumia and Nowi happily rushed us. I was practically bowled aside as the girls surrounded Anna, squealing and jumping and basically just giving me diabetes. I glanced up at the door, realizing with a sinking feeling that Virion was missing.

Virion. The biggest gossip in the Shepherds, was already gone.

In five minutes, the entirety of the Shepherds would know. And both Khans. And probably half of Regna Ferox.

No backing out now, huh? I thought to myself.

Outside the fort the next day, a small, simple marquee was set up, but it had hardly been worth the effort. The sun was shining, and there wasn't a cloud in the sky. The bright sunlight had already taken off the chill of the early morning, and it was shaping up to be a beautiful day.

The day of my wedding, apparently.

"You are certain this isn't moving a little fast?" Virion asked me.

"Nah. I'm older than the rest of you, remember? Guess it's time I settle down," I shrugged.

We were getting ready in one of the many reception rooms in the bottom floor of the keep. Basilio may have described the place as 'a bit old and drafty', but it really was quite luxurious, especially by Feroxi standards. It wouldn't have been surprising if this had once been a Ylissean forward base or something, a few hundred years ago, captured during the warring period and put to use as the West Khan's private retreat or something like that.

"To be fair, you are not that much older than I," Virion pointed out.

As he spoke, the archer leaned forward toward a mirror we had brought in, obsessively straightening his frilled cravat as I leaned back against one of the nearby chairs. Virion was decked out in his nicest waistcoat, covered in lace and frills, while I stood around in freshly cleaned jeans and a neat pale cream-colored linen shirt beneath my black vest, the sleeves rolled up to my elbows. I wasn't sitting in the chair because I was something of a bundle of nervous energy right now.

It wasn't every day I got married, after all.

And marriage here in Archanea was a whole different kettle of fish compared to back home. There was no divorce. There was no backing out. I would be stuck with Anna until the day one of us died. I… I…

"I think I'm gonna puke," I groaned, running a hand down my face.

"I warned you that you may be moving most quickly," Virion pointed out, without looking away from the mirror.

"No, I'm gonna puke because you moving that stupid tie back and forth is giving me motion sickness," I deadpanned.

"It is a cravat, not some squalid tie," Virion shot back immediately.

"Why are you even here?" I asked, genuinely curious. "Hoping I'll name you my best man at the last minute?"

Finally, Virion looked up from his own reflection, frowning a little as he continued to fiddle with the cravat.

"Truthfully, I had thought that you would give that honor to our most illustrious of leaders, Prince Chrom," he explained. "But, as he is… indisposed at present, I had thought that you might still wish for some company."

"Well. That's… mighty decent of you," I said slowly.

"And if you would like for me to be your best man in the Prince's place… I shall not say no," Virion said with a sly grin, before turning back to the mirror. "If only I can get this cravat to sit right beforehand, though!"

"Oh for god's sake, Virion, just take it off and start again!" I laughed.

"And lose all this progress!?" he scoffed.

Virion paused, glancing down at my feet.

"I do so wish you had cleaned your boots," he sighed.

"Fuck you, I did!" I laughed.

"They still look ratty."

"I did just wear them through most of a war."

"Would you like to borrow-"

"No!" I burst out laughing. "Virion, I'm the one getting married here, why are you so wound up?"

Virion gave a small sigh through his nose, his grin turning somewhat melancholy as our eyes met in the mirror.

"As you said, you and I are not quite as young as the rest of the Shepherds," the archer said.

"Except Gregor, he old," I chuckled.

"Indeed," Virion smirked. "But I find myself… watching you prepare for your own wedding, and begin to think of my own. If my circumstances permitted, anyway…"

His face turned grim for a split second, and the archer looked away as he clearly struggled with thoughts of Rosanne and his people who he felt he'd abandoned. But then the haughty expression was back as he turned to face me, crossing his arms and looking me up and down with a critical eye.

"Although you do seem somewhat underdressed for the occasion," he added.

"I'm kind of a pauper, in case you've forgotten," I pointed out.

"Yes, a pauper in service to the next Exalt of Ylisse, and this is your wedding day," he said. "If you'll permit me-"

"I am not wearing a cravat!" I sighed loudly.

Virion actually pouted.

"Posh. You're no fun."

Deep breath in. Deep breath out.

Deep breath in. Deep breath out.

I kept repeating the mantra to myself as I jittered at the little makeshift altar. It was basically just a small table with a statue of Naga on it in the clearing outside the fort, but it did the job.

Libra stood behind it, holding a copy of some local holy book, looking so clean and radiant he practically lit up the space. Beside me, Virion grinned at my nervousness. I had ended up actually asking him to take the position of my best man, if for no other reason that Libra had told me I needed one for the ceremony and he had been the one standing closest to me. Chrom had been the first name to come to mind for the role, but he was still MIA somewhere deep in the fort.

The rest of the Shepherds had gathered for the ceremony, though, along with all the local staff in the fortress. And, surprisingly, Flavia and Basilio had come, too. Chairs had been set up, refreshments prepared by Basilio's staff, the big Khan saying it was his gift to the happy couple.

Anna had been ecstatic. She hadn't wanted to pay for catering, after all.

This had left Flavia floundering, and Basilio's real intention with his 'gift' came to light as he made her look bad. The two of them were still glaring at each other across the crowd, one seated on each side of the aisle. Tharja loomed at the back of the crowd, glaring intermittently at the ground, then at me, then at anyone who came anywhere near her, then the ground again, and the cycle would repeat. Maribelle was sitting up front with Lissa, looking quite put out. She had still been 'courting' me (and I use that term generously) when this wedding had been announced, so she was clearly feeling like Anna had swooped in and stolen me away. The only people I hadn't seen all day were Cordelia and Chrom. Of course, it was probably too much to hope that they were off together somewhere, naked and sweaty, considering he and Sumia were together in all but name at this point, but I was still worried about Cordelia. She'd been in a pretty fragile spot lately, and I was worried what a shock like this might do to her.

My introspection was interrupted as a trio of Basilio's attendants began to play a mangled version of Ylisse's bridal march on their local instruments, and my stomach hit the floor.

Everyone sitting stood, and Virion and I turned to face up the aisle.

Nowi came first, prancing along with a huge smile on her face, tossing flowers here, there and everywhere without so much as a care for where they went. As the only one who even remotely filled the 'girl' category, she had been the only candidate for 'flower girl' after Lissa had steadfastly refused. She had insisted that she was too old. It had been adorable.

Then came the maid of honor, and I had to do a double-take when I realized that it was Cordelia, her armor polished to a mirror sheen, a small bundle of flowers clasped in her hands matching the thin flower crown wrapped around her brow.

After her was Anna, the plucky merchant, my future wife, wearing a white sun dress she'd gotten from god knows where, clutching a much larger bouquet of flowers in her hands, with a similar flower crown to Cordelia's wrapped around her head. Her flame-colored hair hung loose around her shoulders, the first time I'd ever seen it down like that, its wavy volume different from Cordelia's straight locks. She wasn't painted up, but wore very subtle hints of makeup instead. A pair of white sandals completed the look, and I was pretty sure I felt my heart stop when she smiled bashfully at me.

"Remember to breathe," Virion advised me from the corner of his mouth.

No witty comeback sprung to mind, although I'm not ashamed to admit I did suck in a deep breath as she reached the altar.

"Hi," she said shyly.

"Mrabblewarb," I managed eloquently.

"Smooth," Virion said out of the corner of his mouth.

There was a smattering of laughter, Anna giggling a little behind her bouquet as I blushed and prayed for whatever deity was listening to strike me dead on the spot.

"Nice to know I'm not the only one who's nervous," she said softly.

I cleared my throat, doing my best to smile confidently.

"Let me try that again," I said. "Wow. You look incredible."

"You clean up pretty nice yourself," she smiled.

"Shall we begin?" Libra asked.

"Oh, no, wait, I do not think they're done bantering yet," Virion drawled. "I want to see if Ben makes a fool of himself again."

"Anna, would it be bad form if I slapped Virion in the balls during our wedding ceremony?" I asked with a big smile.

"I'd prefer you save it for the reception," she laughed.

There was more laughter from the crowd as Virion cleared his throat and began to inch away from me, looking somewhat nervous. I even thought I saw his hands move ever so slightly, as if to guard his crotch.

"Libra, man! What is taking so long! Let this couple be wed already!" Virion declared.

In the front row, Basilio leaned over to Lissa, the diminutive princess looking even smaller next to the giant of a man.

"Are all Ylissean weddings like this?" he asked.

"No, Ben is… he attracts a certain level of weirdness everywhere he goes," the princess giggled.

"I heard that!" I called from the altar.

"It's okay, sweetie," Anna cooed, laying a hand on my cheek. "It's one of the things I love about you."

I grumbled, blushing as more laughter rippled through the gathered crowd, but remained silent.

"Alright, Padre, on with the show!" Anna said energetically. "Any more of this and I'll have to start charging admission fees!"

"Very well," Libra chuckled. "Would the two of you please clasp hands?"

Anna nodded, practically tossing her bouquet back to Cordelia before snatching up my hands eagerly.

It made me feel better that her palms were just as sweaty as mine.

It was gross. Comforting, but gross.

"Dearly beloved," Libra started to intone. "We are gathered here today to witness the joining of holy matrimony of Ben and Anna…"

Admittedly, I tuned out for a moment as I looked up, noticing Chrom watching from the back of the crowd. The Prince looked a little rough, but he had shaved and cleaned up, and had a big smile on his face. Our eyes met, and he offered me a small nod. Smiling back, I returned my gaze to the woman that was about to be my wife.

AN: So. Here we are, a new Apocryphal Tale to fill space while I'm still dragging my feet- I mean 'planning' the next Self Insert Book.

I know things are getting kinda crazy in the world right now. So, after talking it out with my amazing Patrons, we've decided to share this story early. The Patrons only just got this story yesterday, and they have been incredibly generous about letting me cut their exclusivity short to post publicly early. Because I know first-hand how sucky it is to be stuck inside, isolated and out of a job. So, even if it's only for a little while, I want to be able to help take peoples' minds off the bullshit in the world right now. In that vein, I will be posting a new chapter of this story every week during the month of April (Patrons already have the whole thing). Remember that you're not alone. Together, we can get through this pandemic. I'll always be right here, and my stories will always be right here, too.

Thanks for reading, and look forward to the next chapter of this story next week!

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