A/N

Warning: Themes and mentions of child abuse. Please don't read if this is something that would trigger you.

The scoop:

Post Al, Erin, Mouse and Antonio. Jay's dad is alive, a prominent doctor in Chicago and is an ass with a capital A.S.S. Jay has never talked about his dad one way or another to the team. Will and his dad are close.

Dr. Patrick Halstead had two children. If you asked anyone else they would say he had one. Jay whump, Jay angst. Mentions of child abuse.

I'm pretending Jay is 32. Work with me people!

xxxxxx xxxxxxx xxxxxx xxxxxxx xxxxxx xxxxxxx xxxxxxx

MONDAY MORNING

"Please Jay. Come on. I'll only be gone a week. You only have to go over there twice. Three times max."

"Going over there once is one too many times. Hell, thinking about going over there…"

"Jesus Jay, can you just let bygones be bygones…Sure he can be an ass but he's our Dad."

I couldn't speak…what could I say? He never felt like my Dad.

"Christ your an ass. Can you just do this one thing for me? This conference is important. I don't want to worry the whole time about Dad."

"I thought you said he was okay. That the surgery took care of it."

Will blows out a breath in frustration. "He is okay. But he still has to take it easy for a few more weeks. He can't drive, he can't lift anything. You know how he is, he's still weak and he'll over do it. It was open heart surgery, Jay"

I can't stop myself, "Wait, what? He actually has a heart? When did that happen."

I cringe as soon as it comes out of my mouth. I might not have a good relationship with my Dad but Will does and I'm badmouthing someone Will loves and looks up to.

Will just stares at me like I'm an alien. "You know what Jay, fuck you. Forget it. I'll figure something else out."

Will storms out and slams the door. I plop down on the couch and put my head in my hands. Too many old memories stirring in my mind. Finally I give up and send will a text.

Fine. I'll do it. Text me the details.

As an afterthought I send him another.

Sorry about what I said.

I sat there for another minute before heading out to work. My anger and anxiety ratchets up another notch; I can't get my hands to stop shaking as I clip on my badge and gun. Fuck.

xxxxxxx

When Jay got to work he was in a pissy mood. He ignored the disparaging remark that Platt fondly flew his way. It was almost a game to them. The easy banter of two friends who wouldn't admit to a friendship even if their lives depended on it. Jay didn't see the scowl Platt threw at him as he buzzed himself through the gate and up the stairs. Voight was in his office, but other than him, no one else was in yet. He bypassed his desk heading straight for the break room, the only acknowledgement of his boss, a growl of "Voight" as he walked by the open door. He violently dumped out the coffee that was at least 2 hours old since he was sure that Voight had been in at least that long. He measured the beans, ground them and started the coffee. Then he ground more beans and then for good measure ground another batch. The grinder sounded angry. His spirit animal was a fucking coffee grinder. Fuckshitdamn.

Voight watched as Jay threw his gun into a drawer and slammed it, then stalked to the locker room where he heard a locker slam a few minutes later. He's had enough when he heard a fist hit the wall and then Jay stomping down the steps to the rollup.

xxxxxxx

Voight leaned against the wall at the bottom of the stairs and watched Jay shake out his hand and put a bloody knuckle in his mouth as he paced around the room, slamming the door to the cage on one of his laps.

"Am I going to get any calls about a path of destruction from your drive here today?"

No answer, more pacing.

"Take a walk Halstead and don't hit anyone while your at it. Cool down or I'll put you in the cage and leave you there until you calm down.

Jay stopped, gave his boss a death stare and headed out the roll up.

"Jay…"

He blew out an exasperated sigh and looked at his boss. "What!"

The look of concern on Voight's face quickly turned to anger but went back to concern when he saw the look on Halstead's face and the tears in his eyes.

"…you okay, kid?"

Jay looked down and did his best to compose himself. "I'm fine. Just need a minute."

"Take what you need. We'll text you if we need you."

Voight watched him go. He'd talk to Hailey and find out what was going on.

xxxxxxx

"Upton, my office."

"What's up Sarge?"

"What the hell's wrong with your partner?"

"Sarge?"

"He came in early to day like a hurricane. He's pissed about something."

"He didn't say anything to me. I'll find out."

She walks back to her desk, texting Jay.

Hey partner? What's up?

She expected an immediate response. When she didn't get one, a tinge of worry wiggled its way through her mind. A glance at his desk confirms he took his phone with him. Hmph. She got a cup of coffee and walked back to her desk when she heard the ding of an incoming text.

Voight talk to you?

Ya. What's got you all riled up?

Nothing. It's nothing. I'll be back in a few.

Don't hit anyone.

?

LOL

xxxxxxx

Will: Apology accepted. Thanks for doing this Jay. I really appreciate it. So here's the scoop:

Try to see dad tomorrow, Thursday and then Saturday or Sunday. Make sure he is taking his meds. See if he needs any heavy lifting done or groceries or anything like that so he doesn't do it himself. I'll be back Monday night.

Will: Don't let him drink any coffee

Jay scoffs at that one. Like anyone could keep him from drinking coffee.

Jay: Anything else? How long do I have to stay each time?

Will: Nothing else. Stay as long as you want.

Will: …I know what you're thinking…longer than one minute. Don't be an ass.

Jay: 2 minutes. Shouldn't be a problem. Have a good trip.

Jay: BTW for the next month you're buying at Molly's.

Will: Like I said, don't be an ass.

xxxxxxx

As much as he tried not to be, Jay was cranky all day and after the first two outbursts everyone pretty much left him alone. He knew they were all giving each other 'what the fuck' looks but he didn't care. He needed to be left the fuck alone or he honest to God thought he would explode. On the third outburst, since Adam just couldn't leave him the fuck alone, Voight sent him home. If they got a case they would text him.

Jay couldn't get out of there fast enough but still had to sit in the parking lot for 15 minutes before he was calm enough to drive.

Hailey had called that night to see if he was okay but he didn't answer, so she texted him.

You ok?

Fine. Just got a headache.

Ok. Feel better. Get up on the other side of the bed tomorrow. LOL

Will do…night, Hails…

…And sorry I was an ass today.

That's okay partner. If you need to talk I'm here.

K

xxxxxxx

You could say that Jay Halstead was always a mama's boy and he was just fine with that. He loved his mom more than anyone in the world. He felt loved by his mom. He was also sure Will loved him. But Will was four years older and once Will hit 12 they were in their own orbits. But still he knew Will loved him.

Jay also knew from a very early age that his Dad didn't love him and didn't want him. The first time he was aware of this was on Christmas Day when he was six. Three things happened. The first: His Dad gave Will a present but didn't give him one.

Will and Jay were riding that Christmas high brought on by the excitement of the day. They were all in the living room and had opened all of the gifts where the tags said "from Santa." Then they opened the gifts they gave each other. Jay passed them out. He was playing Santa's helper that year.

They each gave their mom and dad a gift and their mom and dad gave them each a gift. Will and he gave presents to each other and Will got a present from their dad.

In the excitement, Jay didn't notice it at first, not until later that afternoon when he and Will were playing with their new toys. Will was playing with the doctor bag his Dad had given him and asked Jay what Dad had given him. He looked over his gifts and shrugged. He didn't remember any of them saying 'from Dad' but then he didn't really pay attention to who they were from, and told Will so. That was the end of it.

Later that night, when everyone was in the living room watching TV. Jay went back to the piano room and looked under the tree, thinking he had missed the present from his Dad. He thought he had found it in the corner behind the tree but was disappointed and confused when the gift wasn't for him but was the gift from him to his Dad. And although he didn't quite realize it at the time, that was the second thing: his Dad discarded his gift. He didn't know what to do with the gift for his dad, so he left it under the tree, but in front, where his Dad could find it and open it later. Then he joined the rest of the family for movie time.

His mom went to bed early, giving them all a kiss and a hug goodnight. Sometime during the movie, both Will and Jay fell asleep on the couch. He was aware when his dad picked up Will and carried him up to bed but fell asleep again before his dad came back down for him. Later that night Jay woke up, cold and having to pee. He was still on the couch. That was the third thing. All of the lights where off and everyone had gone to bed. When he was done peeing, he stepped on the little stool that made him tall and washed his hands. He looked at himself in the mirror. He thought he was a good boy and wondered what he had done wrong. He decided he would ask his mom in the morning.

The next morning while his mom was making breakfast, he asked her what he had done wrong. She told him he didn't do anything wrong and asked why he thought that. He told her the three things and it made her sad, he could tell. Later when Dad got home from work, his mom and dad got in a big argument about him and that made his mom cry and Will was mad at him for making dad be mean to mom.

xxxxxxx

When Will turned 12 they grew apart a bit and weren't as close. Will had his own life, lots of friends and he didn't have much time for an annoying little brother. Sometimes they got along but for the most part they lived in their own little worlds. They were very different kids. Will was popular and a brainiac; outgoing, had lots of girlfriends and made their parents proud.

Jay was quiet, didn't have a lot of friends…didn't have any friends and was a good student but not as good as Will. He had a B average all through school and he was fine with that. Just like Will knew he wanted to be a doctor like their dad when he grew up, Jay also knew what he wanted to be…anything but a doctor.

It was when Jay was 11 that he realized what he did want to be. They were picking their Dad up at the airport and some army guys got off the plane first. Jay couldn't help but stare. The first guy noticed him staring, chuckled, tousled his hair and said 'how you doing little man?' The other three soldiers also stopped. Jay couldn't say anything at first but boy, when he found his voice, he wore it out asking questions and they answered every one. When the soldiers left and called him buddy or bud or little man and gave him fist bumps or tousled his hair, he knew right then he was going to be an Army Ranger. Even when his Dad got off the plane, saw him talking to the army guys and scowled, didn't alter his mood. It was like those army guys surrounded his heart, protecting it from his dad.

He was able to hang on to that feeling for two days. Everyone seemed to notice but didn't know why the quiet, sullen boy looked happier and had a light in his eyes. His dad knew though. He cornered him in the den when Jay was watching TV and doing his homework. He stood in front of him and didn't talk until Jay looked up. The kid's eyes were still lit up and he was smiling, although it faltered a bit when faced with his dad. "So, you want to be a murderer when you grow up, do you?" His dad sees the flicker of hurt on Jay's face and smirks when the light leaves the kid's eyes and any semblance of a smile disappears. Jay is able to hold the tears in until his dad leaves but once he's gone, they fall and fall and fall, ruining his homework in the process. His heart aches and more tears fall as he realizes those army guys didn't have a chance against his dad.

xxxxxxx

Maggie POV

Will storms into work looking like someone kicked his puppy and he was looking for payback.

"Whoa, Will. You okay?"

"Hey Maggie…What?"

"I asked are you okay? You're upset."

"Ya. I'm okay. Pissed but okay. Rhodes in yet?"

"He's in surgery. What are you so pissed about?"

He blows out an exasperated breath, "I asked Jay to do me a favor and he's being a jackass about it."

"Must be some favor."

"Actually it's not. That's why I'm pissed. I just wanted him to look in on our Dad while I'm gone and he threw a hissy fit."

"He doesn't get along with your Dad?"

"Understatement of the century. Jay can't be in the same room with him without being a total ass. They're both unbelievably stubborn but Jay takes it to a whole nother level."

"Mmm…Dr. Rhodes'll be out of surgery soon. I'll let him know you're looking for him."

"Thanks Maggie."

xxxxxxx

Early in her career, Maggie had worked with Will's dad. She worked with him for eight years, up until he took the Chief of Cardiothoracic Surgery position at University Hospital. Dr. Patrick Halstead was a pompous ass to the nth degree but he was proud of his son and was a totally different person when Will was around so she gave him a pass on the pompous. In listening to the elder Dr. Halstead you would think he only had one son, Will, the one that was going to follow in his footsteps; not once did he ever mention a second son, she had only met Will. She didn't know Dr. Halstead had another son until Will had been working at the hospital for 2 months and Jay came to pick him up for a hockey game.

xxxxxxx

TUESDAY MORNING

Jay slept for about two hours last night and that was interrupted by nightmares. After the last one, he went for a long run. His mind constantly spinning about seeing his dad today by himself. He hadn't been alone with his Dad since he left for boot camp; it wasn't necessarily on purpose or at least not consciously anyway. Someone else was always around, he always had his mom or Will or someone as a buffer. He hated that he was anxious…no…scared…Fuck…scared to see his Dad. He was scared to see his dad. Goddammit! He was a cop; had been a soldier; he was a fucking adult. He shouldn't be afraid to see his fucking god damn dad.

He pounded the pavement, his mantra a never ending steam of cursing. He had been running for just over an hour when he was brought to an abrupt halt…he was crying. At some point during his run, the cursing had stopped and his new mantra had become the familiar one of his childhood, 'why why why.' That just pissed him off all over again, so he took off at a faster pace…Fuck…Fuck…Fuck…the anger only lasted a little while until once again it was overtaken by his despair. God dammit! He couldn't stop crying.

He jogged up the next block to the park and collapsed onto a bench. He put his elbows on his knees, held his head in his hands and sobbed. At some point he sat up to catch his breath and ground the heels of his hands into his eyes. Fuck. "FUCK!," he yelled into the empty park. He was no longer bawling but the tears still fell no matter how hard he tried to stop them.

'Why why why,' the old song that played in his head on and off for 26 years. What had he done wrong? Why why why didn't his Dad love him. He had asked his mom, "Oh, honey! Of course he loves you! Of course he does." When he was 12 he had asked Will and Will gave him a 16 year olds response, "Because you're a brat." He asked his girlfriend, Allie, in high school, she scoffed, "Jay, your dad loves you. He's an ass, yes, but he loves you." He even asked his Dad once when he was nine or ten but his dad didn't answer him, he just stared at him until he went away with tears in his eyes.

God dammit. He just didn't get it. Why? As he got older the 'why' had become, for the most part, a fleeting thought. Occasionally he would fondle it, feel sorry for himself, turn the thought around and try to look at it from all angles but he stopped it for the most part when he was in the army and finally felt like he belonged. Then he became a cop and then a detective and then a detective in the most elite unit in Chicago. He was secure in who he was. He liked who he was. He even, at times, was grateful for his past. It was part of why he was who he was today.

But all that went out the window the second Will asked him to do the favor.

Ugh, shit…he needed to get his shit together. He had to show up at his dad's today as a 32 year old and right now he felt about 10 and that 10 year old was no match for Dr. Patrick Halstead.

xxxxxxx

After 15 minutes, Jay finally bit the bullet and got out of the truck. His mantra all the way up the walk was 'fuck you dad.' He takes a breath, says one more .Dad. in his head for good measure, and knocks on the door. He's just about to knock again when it opens and there stands his Dad. He felt a small tremor go through him and hopes it was internal and didn't show on the outside.

"What the hell are you doing here."

"Will wanted me to check on you."

His dad ignores him and goes to the kitchen but leaves the door open. As he walks away, he says to himself but loud enough for Jay to hear, "Will…that kid…always looking out for me."

His dad is taking his pills, washing them down with coffee. When he realizes Jay followed him, he scowls, "You're still here? I'm fine you can go."

Jay is calm, his voice flat, "Will said you're not supposed to drink coffee."

"What do you care?"

"I don't. I'm just telling you what your son said."

"You don't get to come into my house and be an ass. You can leave. I'm fine."

Jay remains calm, stoic, "Do you need me to get you any groceries or lift anything heavy?"

The disdain in his dad's voice cuts him to the quick, "I don't need anything from you."

Jay flinches, "I know."

Jay's almost to the door when his dad calls after him, "Don't let the door hit you on the way out."

He takes a breath continues out the door. He holds it together and is proud of himself for being able to pull off a surgical strike with his dad. 5 minutes, in and out. He got in the truck and had to do sniper breathing to calm down. His hands still shook though as he started the truck and headed in to work. Fuck. 'One day down two to go.' Was his mantra all the way in to work but it did nothing to curb his anger.

Pat Halstead watched the little shit get in the truck and breathe. He couldn't help but smirk. Jay was 32 years old and still scared of his old man.

xxxxxxx

The first time Dr. Patrick Halstead laid a hand on Jay, it was a backhand across the face when Jay called him Dad; he was 10. He wasn't quite sure what he had done wrong, knew he had wanted to ask a question but to this day, couldn't remember what it was. The backhand knocked him hard onto his butt, so stayed down and cowered against the wall, arms covering his head for protection, knees pulled up to his body, making himself as small as he could as his dad loomed over him, yelling about God knows what. His dad completed his tirade by telling him he was not allowed to call him dad. Never again did he want to hear that word come out of his mouth. That's when Jay uncovered his head and looked up at his dad, eyes wide and mouth falling open, big tears rolling down his face as he continuously wiped them away. 'But…" was all he got out of his mouth before his dad raised his hand as a threat. He curled up again, head on his knees arms over his head. He was openly sobbing then. He didn't know when his dad left and he didn't know how long he sat there but eventually he made it up to his room without running into his dad and before Will and his mom got home. He cried himself to sleep that night, not understand his dad's demand. That was the last time he ever called his dad 'dad.'

xxxxxxx

From the second Jay came in that morning (late) until they caught a case three hours later, Jay walked a fine line between cranky and being a dick. Luckily the case kept them busy until 11:00 pm and he didn't have time for either. He was the first one out the door when Voight told them the paperwork could wait until the morning.

xxxxxxx

WEDNESDAY

The next day Halstead dragged his ass in late, looking like he hadn't slept in days. He gave a cursory greeting to the team, got a cup of coffee and started in on his paperwork. Voight gave Hailey a look and a nod towards Jay. She sighed and returned the nod, heading over to Jay's desk.

"Hey partner, let's go to Starbucks and get some real coffee."

"Nah, I'm good…gotta catch up on my paperwork." He harrumphs when she gives him that look that says, 'I'm not taking no for an answer.' Voight has that look…his partner has become Voight Jr., great. He grabs his jacket, resigned to the fact that he was going to get a talking to. On the plus side, he supposes its better to be interrogated by Voight Jr. than Voight Sr.

They are both silent on the drive to Starbucks; both in their own heads spinning on a strategy for the conversation. Hailey decides she's not going to put up with any deflections. She'll be damned if she'll let Jay get himself jammed up again, though she's not sure if that's what's going on. This seems different. She's watched Jay. She saw the pain in his eyes when he got back to office on Monday. It was quickly replaced by anger but she saw sadness in his eyes more than once when he zoned out on his computer. When Voight sent him home, she saw a mix of emotions, anger, sadness, fear. Something was going on and she was going to find out what.

Jay spins the whole way to Starbucks debating whether he should talk to Hailey. Every time he decides he should, embarrassment overrides his decision, he's an adult; it's pathetic he can't handle a visit with his dad. This is a part of his past that he hadn't spoken to anyone about. Not even Mouse knew everything, but he probably suspected.

They were in line when he finally decided what he would do. He wouldn't lie but he also wouldn't tell her what was going on. He could handle it. Will would be back on Monday and it would all be over, no harm no foul.

They got their drinks and found a seat in the loud coffee shop, a relief, he couldn't hear his noisy head.

Hailey smirked at him, "Really Jay, a quad shot? I hope we get a case cuz you're going to be bouncing off the walls."

"Better than sleeping under my desk."

"Equal of two evils as far as Voight's reaction though."

"That's true. Maybe we'll get a case."

"One can only hope…so you wanna tell me what's going on?"

"No…"

"Jay…"

"Hold up, before you scold me, let me finish."

She sees the tension in his shoulders, so she tries to make a joke (that is part truth.) She smiles when she says, "Well, if you didn't act like a petulant child, there would be no need to treat you like one."

Her joke not only falls flat but she sees the pain that flashes across his face and immediately regrets what she said. Before she can apologize, he finishes his thought.

"As I was saying, no, I don't want to talk about it. Just some shit going on with Will. He'll be back on Monday, it should take care of itself. I'll try to rein it in."

She sizes up her partner. She can see he's telling the truth. Maybe not the whole truth, but at least if it has something to do with Will, he's not doing something that could get him in trouble.

"Okay…okay, let me know if you need anything."

"Will do…should we head back? I'm sure Voight is waiting for your Halstead report."

Busted, she smiles at the good humored smirk that comes with his snarky statement but before she could throw out her own witty comeback, they both get a text.

With relief, he states the obvious, "We got a case."

"Guess Voight will have to wait for that report…"

They both had an identical thought…Monday couldn't come soon enough.

xxxxxxx

LATER

Voight started in as soon as they stepped out of the room. "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT HALSTEAD!"

They didn't hear Jay's reply but obviously Voight didn't like it because they heard Voight slam him against the wall and continue.

"HE LAWYERED UP! WE'LL GET NOTHING FROM HIM NOW!"

They'd all gone running for the interrogation rooms as soon as they heard Jay hit the wall and they all saw the flinch, out of character for Jay, when Voight got into his face and yelled at him.

Voight saw the flinch, he didn't let go but eased up. What the fuck was going on with this kid?

He toned it down, "Nothing to say for yourself?"

Jay was frozen against the wall, hadn't moved a muscle, except to purse his lips and force a swallow.

The fact that he got no response pissed Voight off all over again. "Get the hell out of here, if any more kids get hurt, that's on you. Don't come back until you get your shit together."

They cleared a path for Voight to bulldoze back to his office. They all looked at Jay, still frozen against the wall; after a moment, he turned the other way and bolted down the steps.

xxxxxxx

THURSDAY MORNING

Jay had gotten NO sleep last night. Between fucking up the case and and knowing he would be seeing his Dad this morning he couldn't shut his head off. His run at 3 am netted the same results as last time. Except this time he wasn't able to get himself solidly into adult mode. His defenses were for shit; with the constant anxiety, the lack of sleep and yesterday's fuck-up, it took two minutes for the adult Jay to be gone; replaced by a sad, scared, 10 year old, who now, stood powerless in front of his Dad.

His dad started in as soon as his he answered the door. "Why are you here? Christ, when's your brother coming back?"

He follows his Dad into the house. They head back towards the kitchen when his dad suddenly rounds on him and tells him what he thinks of his "son." Ten year old Jay in a 32 year old body stands there frozen, his heart constricted with every word, with every declaration that he was a murderer. With the question of how many people he murdered, like a coward with his sniper rifle. With every comparison to Will, his "good" son, his "only" son. The new one, though, the one that extinguished the tiny flame of hope that someday his Dad would love him, was the one that shattered his heart. It was when his Dad told him, "he would never cease to be angry at his mom for not getting the abortion he demanded."

His dad walked away then and left Jay standing in the foyer. When Jay wiped away few tears that fell without his permission, he took a moment to compose himself and followed his Dad. He should have left.

"Jesus Christ…are you stupid or what?"

Emotions safely shoved down to be examined later, Jay fulfills his promise to Will.

"Did you need me to take out the trash or get you anything from the grocery store?"

"You're like a god damned dog with a bone…fine take out the garbage…make Will happy."

Jay doesn't acknowledge his dad but turns to get the trash. As soon as he turned and felt his dad grab his hair, he realized his mistake. His head is slammed into the wall with a considerable amount of force, heart surgery hadn't weakened his dad a bit. Jay claws at the wall to keep himself from falling but doesn't succeed and goes down hard to his knees. He sits on his heels a minute, knowing he has time to get his equilibrium back when he hears his dad getting a cup of coffee. He can't help but chastise himself. He should have seen it coming. It's not the first time his Dad got him with that one.

When he's able, he stands, grabs the garbage and takes it out to the bin in the garage. When he comes back in he ignores his dad leaning against the counter drinking coffee. Jay sees the blood on the wall and wipes it off with his sleeve, pulls his sleeve down more and presses it to his brow.

He clears his throat, "Did you need me to get some groceries for you?"

His Dad regards him with contempt. "No, I got what I needed."