Merlin didn't smile anymore. And he flinched whenever anyone spoke to him. He constantly had this wide doe-eyed look like he was never not afraid. And it was wrong. It was all so wrong, wrong for Merlin to act like this and wrong for Merlin to look like this.

Merlin always smiled. He'd befriend anyone. And he was never cowardly. He was the bravest man Arthur knew, even if he'd never admit it. Merlin showed fear so rarely. He was afraid when they went to face the dragon, but then they all had been. But Merlin had gone anyway. Without armour or a weapon and Arthur had never been able to explain Merlin's actions that day. Except to know that Merlin was the bravest, most loyal man he knew.

But Arthur hadn't seen that man in weeks. In his stead was a frightened, saddened and breaking child. And Arthur didn't know what to do.

Two weeks ago Merlin had been captured by Morgana in an ambush. Selfless, noble idiot that he was, he'd put himself in danger to save Arthur. He'd been at her mercy for days. It had been a harrowing week, searching for him. Not knowing whether he was dead by now, or if they'd ever see him again. Arthur and the knights had rescued him in the end, in time they'd thought when they'd found him still alive. But Morgana had taunted as they'd escaped that Merlin had seen his deepest fears. Gaius had confirmed when they'd returned that Merlin showed signs of having suffered the Teine Diaga, a magical ritual that tortured someone through their own mind.

Arthur had never been more angry than when he'd heard that. He'd never wanted to kill Morgana as much as he'd wanted to then; for putting Merlin through that. Merlin didn't deserve that. What had Merlin ever done to warrant such malevolence, such a violation of one's own self. He couldn't comprehend the hatred Morgana must hold that could lead her to commit such an abominable act towards someone who had once been her friend. But such thoughts only lead Arthur to remember days when Merlin would get Morgana flowers and Arthur had been sure the servant had harboured an ill-advised crush on the King's ward. It was hard to think on that knowing where they had all ended up.

But Arthur could only imagine what Merlin had been through. He didn't truly know the horrors. He didn't actually know what Merlin would have seen. What was Merlin's biggest fear? What would a servant fear? Merlin was no simple servant that was for sure, which was perhaps why his fear had devastated him so. Because that was really it. Merlin was walking around as a shadow of himself and that was after a week of recovery.

Arthur could still remember when they'd first rescued Merlin. When they'd found him huddled on the ground, at the top of a tower, shaking. He'd ran to his friend, and checked how badly injured he was. Only he wasn't injured at all. He was breathing harshly and whimpering... he'd been scared. And of course he was scared, he'd been held captive by Morgana for six days. Six days he'd been there. Tormented by Morgana in who knew what ways, of course he was scared. He hadn't paid it any notice still focused on getting them out of there.

It wasn't until they were in the forest and had stopped to get their breath, now safe, that Arthur had noticed something was very wrong with Merlin. He wasn't just scared, he was paralysed. He couldn't seem to stop shaking and his eyes darted all around him. His eyes. Arthur had never, in all his years, in all the battles he'd fought, he'd never seen such terror in someone's eyes. It was beyond panic what Arthur could see. They'd been unable to get Merlin to say a word, unable to get him to even look at any of them, his eyes constantly darting away. Constantly flinching any time one of them got too loud or too close. He hadn't looked like Merlin. And Arthur hadn't known what to do except to bring him home.

They knew they just had to give him time. And with time the panic had seemed to fade, only to replaced by dread. Merlin didn't look like he was about to bolt anymore but he was... morose. There was no other word. He seemed to pass the time as if thinking the worst was about to happen.

Guinevere had insisted constantly that it was because Merlin wasn't able to feel safe anymore. That he'd just need time and patience and kindness, and eventually he'd come to feel safe again. Arthur had believed her when she'd said it, but as every day passed, he wasn't so sure.

Merlin seemed more afraid when someone was nice to him. It took Arthur four days to figure it out: Merlin didn't trust him anymore.

Merlin had been allowed back to work; Gaius had assured him that he was physically healthy aside from some slight malnutrition, but after a few days Gaius let Merlin go back to being a servant. They'd all been hopeful; hopeful that some familiarity and routine would help. Instead Merlin had been helping Arthur with his armour before a training session, and when Arthur had pulled his sword out, Merlin hadn't just flinched, he'd near thrown himself away from the sword. He pressed himself against the armoury wall in a second, almost as if on instinct. It had taken Arthur a long time to convince Merlin that he wasn't going to hurt him. Merlin had just shaken his head and looked as though he didn't believe Arthur. As though he didn't trust Arthur.

Arthur hadn't known what to do after that. Except to destroy as many training dummies out of resentment as he could. Resentment that Merlin was afraid of him. Resentment that Arthur had let Merlin get captured at all. Resentment that while he'd saved his friend's body he hadn't saved his mind. And Arthur couldn't help but think that maybe, just maybe, he and Merlin were no longer friends at all.

And why? What fear could Merlin have possibly had. He knew no man ever would handle facing their deepest fears well, but Merlin was brave. And what could Merlin have possibly feared anyway? On an average day Arthur would've said that Merlin was afraid of the wind, as skittish as a colt, a girl's petticoat. But he knew that wasn't true. If he was being serious he might've said that Merlin feared for his friends. It seemed the loyal, kind and noble sort of fear that Merlin would have. He'd have expected that Merlin might've seen Arthur, seen the knights, Gaius, in pain or dying. But that sort of fear didn't warrant Merlin's reaction. Shouldn't Merlin have been relieved to see them again then? Instead of terrified?

The truth was that he had no idea what Merlin truly was afraid of. He didn't doubt that Merlin feared for his friend's safety, but he clearly feared something else. And Merlin was such a private person that Arthur had no idea what that something esle could be. He just couldn't imagine what his ever cheeful manservant could possibly have been so terrified of. What could have reduced him to this?

Arthur didn't have a clue. But after a week of this cloud of despair hanging over them, a week of Merlin's measured yet jittery steps, a week of silence without even a word from the friend he needed most, without so much as a smile; he was going to do something about it. He'd dreaded the week Merlin had been missing that he'd never hear his friend's voice again, never give him an absurdly long list of chores and be called a made-up word in retaliation. He couldn't bear that becoming a reality. By some miracle he'd gotten Merlin back, but not whole. He needed to find some way to bring his friend back. Arthur needed Merlin to smile again. Just one smile that could give him some hope that maybe, one day, he'd be okay again. And he had just the idea to help his friend.

XxX

"I've been looking for you, Merlin." Merlin looked up from where he'd been polishing Arthur's boots in the King's chamber. No smile, not so much as a glimmer in his eye. Just tense anxiety. Arthur sighed, but forged on nonetheless. This was exactly why he had to do this afterall. "I've invited your mother to Camelot." He announced.

He'd been expecting if not a smile then at least a slight happiness in his manservant's expression. Some surprise. He'd always been so happy whenever he got to see his mother and he truly never saw her enough. Arthur had expected at worst that Merlin would be indifferent to the announcement and remain as anxious as ever. He hadn't been expecting abject horror.

What little colour Merlin had these days drained away leaving Merlin starkly pale and trembling. His eyes were wide with shock but not a pleasant one. He shot to his feet and his posture was one that Arthur could recognize from his frequent hunts and chasing criminals. Merlin felt trapped. He was looking for an escape.

"Why would you do that?" Merlin's voice, surprisingly loud considering he'd only muttered the last week, was shaking.

"Because you're upset Merlin. I understand why, although I don't quite understand everything you went through." Arthur noted with surprise that Merlin didn't flinch just stared continuously. "She's your mother Merlin, I thought she might have been some comfort to you-"

"Well, you're wrong!" Merlin cut Arthur off and Arthur was surprised at the vehemence in Merlin's voice. He seemed genuinely distressed at the idea. And Arthur couldn't comprehend why. "I don't want to see her!"

Arthur was shocked. He had no idea what was going on anymore. "She's already on her way. I sent Elyan to get her two days ago, she should be here by tomorrow." Arthur tried to speak gently as he might to someone who was cornered, to calm them down. It didn't work.

Merlin backed away from Arthur, shaking his head so vigourously Arthur genuinely worried he'd cause himself harm, before bolting past Arthur out the door.

Arthur could do nothing more than stare mouth agape at the wide open door as it banged against the wall and listen to Merlin's rapidly disappearing footsteps.

XxX

Arthur was way out of his depth. And despite her son's bizarre reaction to the news, Arthur was glad when Hunith finally arrived in Camelot. Mostly. He was a little apprehensive. But he was sure Hunith's actual presence would help Merlin. She must've soothed him numerous times before when he was scared and he certainly appeared very childlike at the moment.

"Arthur." Hunith greeted familiarly though with a small curtsey. Arthur nodded his head in turn.

"I'm so glad to see you. I'm not sure how much you know about what happened..." He looked briefly at where Elyan was leaving to take care of the horses, before turning back to Hunith.

"Not much. Sir Elyan mentioned that Merlin had been captured... That he was still hurting." The woman's voice was filled with worry and concern.

Arthur gestured towards the doors and escorted her inside.

"Yes. Morgana captured him during an ambush. We're not sure what she did to him while he was there, some magic ritual that shows someone their fears... he's not been quite the same since. I thought your presence might help." Arthur explained.

Hunith nodded looking more and more concerned as Arthur spoke.

"You seem troubled as well." Hunith ventured.

Arthur wanted to deny it, but it was just him and Hunith and for once in the past two weeks he didn't want to pretend that everything was alright. "Of course. Like I said, Merlin is... not well."

"Not well? What is truly wrong? As concerned as you all are Merlin must be more than simply unsettled."

Arthur wasn't sure how to explain it. "He's... scared. Still. I don't know what Morgana showed him, but he doesn't trust anyone. He acts as though everyone is about to hurt him."

Arthur thought he saw understanding flash across Hunith's face before she turned away.

After a beat of silence as they walked the corridors to Gaius's quarters, Arthur had to ask, "You don't know what he feared most do you?"

Hunith looked at him in surprise. "My Lord?" She asked.

"It's just... I can't think of Merlin being so terrified of anything. You're his mother, perhaps you... Never mind, I shouldn't have asked."

Arthur kept on walking but couldn't help but notice that Hunith seemed more shaken than when she'd first arrived.

They reached the physicians chambers and entering found Gaius alone at his workbench.

"Hunith!" Gaius looked up with a pleased look on his face. He came forward to greet her and Arthur looked around for Merlin. Gaius must have noticed his searching gaze. "Merlin's in his room, sire. Has been since yesterday. He refuses to come out."

Arthur furrowed his brow worriedly. He took a step forward, only for Hunith to stop him. "Let me, my lord."

Arthur nodded. "Of course." And stepped aside to let Hunith through.

XxX

Hunith knocked gently on Merlin's door but there was no answer. She went in anyhow, and closed the door behind her.

She found her son twisting in his bed, tangled in the blanket and crying. He was sleeping. She recognised a nightmare when she saw one.

Feeling no small amount of trepidation she quietly knelt by the bed and reaching a hand out lay it on his shoulder.

It woke him instantly. He shot up and seeing his mother next to him...

Hunith had seen that look on his face before. A tear feel from her eye before she even realised she'd begun to cry. She remembered this. And after all these years, Merlin remembered as well. Her chest hurt, but that was hardly a surprise. She took in a deep breath and attempting to spare her son any further pain she stood and quickly made her way to the door.

She knew the nightmare he was having. She remembered it well. And she knew the one thing he needed right now was space from her. So, heart breaking, Hunith made her way back into the main chamber and drying her face quickly she made her way over to the others.

"He's still sleeping. We should leave him to rest. Perhaps make some lunch, he'll be hungry when he wakes." The king and Gaius looked at her suspiciously but nevertheless Gaius showed her the cupboard with their food and bowls, and helped Hunith to prepare some lunch.

Arthur offered to find some food from the kitchens, and Hunith thanked him as he went to call a servant. In the end Gaius's chambers became full of people as the Queen and the King's closest knights came for lunch. They all ate somewhat solemnly. The knowledge that a member of their party was missing, and only a few feet away, downing their spirits. But Hunith appreciated the group's kindness, one of the knight's, Sir Gwaine, had even apologised for not looking after her son better. He'd began muttering about how he should have stopped anyone from taking Merlin, but Hunith just shook her head with a sad smile. If anyone at this table had reason to carry guilt, it was her.

Some time after the food had been eaten and the dishes taken away, Merlin finally ventured from his room. His expression held a stubborn determination in them.

She looked at her son hopefully and Merlin just stared at her. Wary and somewhat irritated. She knew her son though, Merlin was only irritated in himself. However unjust that may be.

"Merlin, why don't you sit down?" The Queen offered.

Sir Leon who was sitting next to Hunith began to move aside to make room for Merlin to sit next to her, but she grabbed his arm and shook her head. There was no need.

Merlin stared around at them all hesitantly before he lowered himself onto a stool at the bench next to the table. Not quite with them, which everyone took in with saddened faces.

No one spoke. No one knew what to say and so an awkward silence filled the room.

"You..." Merlin began looking at Hunith, pausing as though rethinking what he wanted to say, "You didn't have to leave... before." He tilted his head towards his room.

"Yes, I did." She replied with no hesitation. "I remember that nightmare Merlin. You didn't want my comfort for it when you were six, and I doubt that has changed." She kept her voice perfectly steady despite the sorrow she felt inside. Her words only served to make Merlin seem even more miserable. Everyone else just looked confused and even more concerned.

"You've been having nightmares?" The Queen- Gwen as she'd repeatedly insisted to Hunith- asked Merlin.

He shakily nodded, as though unsure of himself. Hunith looked at him. Really looked at him. She could see how tired he was, and if that was how he slept Hunith wasn't surprised. She thought back to Arthur's words. To his question, "Do you know what he fears most?" To everything the group had said during lunch about Merlin's unsettling behaviour. Everything that they had no explanation for. She did. She knew what was going on in her son's head, she was his mother after all. Of course she couldn't expect them to understand, Merlin never would've told them. And wasn't that the problem. She thought back to Kanen and telling Merlin to tell Arthur the truth. Hoping that her permission would ease the lifelong fear he had of people finding out. He'd gotten better at hiding it, better at dealing with it. But her son knew how to lie and she knew why he had learnt. She knew where it had all started and no matter how good Merlin was at keeping secrets and moving on now, she realised that at this point, there was no way Merlin could go on like this anymore. He was shaking. He couldn't sit with his friends, he struggled to properly look at them. He was breaking. And if she didn't end this now then he would truly break for good. He'd isolate himself. Never trust anyone, turn everyone away until he was ruined. And it would be her fault. She had to stop this.

"Merlin I think there's something you need to tell your friends." Merlin looked at her in confusion. She elaborated, "The thing about fear is until you face it, it will forever paralyse you. You have to prove those fears wrong, Merlin. You have to tell them the truth."

XxX

Merlin couldn't. He couldn't believe what he was hearing and he just couldn't. He couldn't tell of course he couldn't. They'd. They'd. Well he wasn't sure that the knights, that Arthur would react like that... But he'd seen it. Felt it. It had been so vivid. How could he believe that things would turn out any different.

She was his mother, why would she risk him like this? She couldn't know for sure they'd react well... unless... NO! He shook his head. That wasn't the truth it wasn't. That was just a fear. It wasn't real. His mother didn't want him dead.

"Tell us what?" He heard Arthur, dubious. Looking up, his mother was still just staring at him. He shook his head. He kept shaking it, he couldn't seem to stop now, he just had to get across that nonononono he couldn't tell them, he couldn't.

"I don't understand." Gwen said. Others put in similar epithets. "Merlin's been having nightmares? Is that what he has to talk about?"

His mother hadn't looked away from him yet. "Shall I tell them something then?" She asked pleasantly as though they were having a conversation about flowers or chores.

Nononononono. He kept shaking his head.

His mother smiled sadly before turning to Gwen. "His nightmares? They are a part of it... He used to have them when was a child. It's been so long but... I find there's something about experiences you have as a child. No matter how much time passes, or how old you become. If the situation is right then, those emotions come back, and it's just like you're that child again. Helpless and afraid. And you can't do anything."

Nonononononono.

"I do know Arthur, what my son is most afraid of. Many things since then would be on that list, and I've no doubt he saw them too. But there is one moment that... None of you know about."

Nonononononononono. Merlin's whole body was shaking now. "Mother, please..." He rasped, desperately.

"Merlin. If you're afraid of telling secrets, then the only way to stop being afraid is to tell." She said firmly.

Nononononono.

"You're surrounded by friends, you can trust them."

NONONONONONONONONO.

"Hey mate, with the head shaking, maybe for every sentence. I might get a bit insulted when it's just about trusting us." Gwaine pitched it, false levity in his voice.

Nonononono. Merlin still shook his head.

Gwaine furrowed his brow. "That wasn't a mistake, Sir Gwaine. He was disagreeing with that aswell. I'm afraid the idea of trusting his friends isn't one he's comfortable with."

"What is that supposed to mean? Merlin is incredibly trusting. He'll help anyone for goodness sake." Gwaine said, sounding a bit irritated at the turn of conversation.

"That's compassion not trust. Merlin hasn't been good at trust since I tried to kill him as a child."

The room was completely silent. This one brought around by shock instead of awkwardness. Merlin was still shaking his head, not so much out of disagreement as much as he wasn't sure anymore how to stop. He noticed Gwen make to stand and move over to him but he scooted away on instinct and she sat back down.

"What on earth are you talking about." Arthur asked angrily.

"It's a bit of a story. I can only tell it, if you all promise to be absolutely quiet. Not to interrupt, no matter what I say. No matter how much you will want to." Hunith said.

Everyone stared at her incredulously. They began nodding or giving quiet affirmations. Merlin had finally figured out to stop shaking his head and now just had to remember how to properly breathe.

"First of all you should know, that Merlin was born with magic."

Forget about breathing. He'd never manage it. He was never going to need to breathe again anyway. Arthur was going to kill him. Burn him on a pyre or run him through with a sword or throw him off a cliff or laugh as he choked on his own blood or chain him up and throw him in a river or- Any of the ways he'd seen repeatedly while he was with Morgana. There was no way Arthur could possibly react in any other way. Nope. Merlin didn't even need to bother relearning how to breathe.

He may have started shaking his head again, but he wasn't entirely sure. He wasn't sure of anything happening actually. It wasn't until his body forced him on pure instinct to force air back into his lungs that he realised his panic had jumbled his brain.

Suddenly sure of how to breathe again he looked at the table only to notice that no one had a sword drawn. No one was looking at him in hatred and no one had yet tried to kill him. Yet. Merlin was sure once the betrayal sank in the execution would start. That was what it was. Everyone was just too shocked. And shocked they were. No one was quite able to say anything. They stared at either Merlin or Hunith in utter incomprehension.

"Well, I'm glad you all understood my no interruption rule. In that case, I'll explain." She began. "I always loved Merlin. Since the day he was born, even before. That was never in question. However, as joyful as I wanted to feel when Merlin was born, and I did feel joyful at first, it was a pure sort of joy that isn't even explainable," She looked into the distance and her tone turned reminiscent. "I held him and I thought he was just perfect. But then he opened his eyes... and they were gold. They faded to blue soon enough but I knew what I'd seen. Within hours Merlin was levitating things about the house. His first few days were me frantically trying to prevent my belongings from uncertainly beginning to hover in the air. I knew immediately he had magic, and that joy- that joy was replaced by grief. My baby wasn't even dead but I remember being so sure that he already was. The purge was at its height and Uther wouldn't have let a border stop him, Ealdor was much too close to Camelot. Everyone was scared and everyone was suspicious. If anyone saw an infant using magic... well it wasn't supposed to even be possible. They would've told. If not Uther then another King or some power hungry wizard who'd be too curious. I- I had no idea what awaited Merlin in the world, but one unexpected visitor and everyone in Ealdor would know and then- then... well like I said, I was so sure my baby was already dead. Those first two days of his life I spent mourning him. I didn't let anyone in the house, not even the midwife. I couldn't. I couldn't even bring myself to name him. As much as I already loved him and giving him a name or not wouldn't change that, I just couldn't. It would be too permament as if I actually expected him to live and I didn't.

"When he was two days old I tried to kill my son for the first time." Hunith couldn't help but get choked up at that sentence, but she continued anyway. "I thought that it was a mercy really. He'd never have to grow up in this world that would hate him, and he'd only die more painfully later on one of Uther's pyres. This way... This way he wouldn't have to suffer I told myself. I held my pillow over his face and you know... his magic already tried to save him. Things started, not just hovering, but flying across the room. I'd have gone through with it but... suddenly this flock of birds appeared, flying through the window. Merlins. I knew his magic had called them somehow and I just- His magic- He didn't know what was going on and his magic didn't really either but it tried to do something and... I just couldn't do it anymore." His mother couldn't hold back her tears anymore. She was very openly crying. She took a few harsh breaths to gather herself as everyone else stared on in a horror induced fascination, the kind where you can't look away from a coming catastrophe.

When she gathered herself she continued, "I removed the pillow and hugged him and... he was still breathing thank the gods. I named him Merlin... for that... and I promised never to try and kill him again.

"But that only lasted until he was four. There was a battle between Camelot and Essetir and Camelot was winning. There was a time when Ealdor was a part of Camelot, briefly. I'd managed to tamp down my fear... I told Merlin to keep his magic a secret always. But... he was a child, barely even and a child that age they don't listen. They forget things very quickly. The second they get caught up in something warnings go out their ears for the sake of joy. And Merlin liked nothing more at the time than to play with his magic. He'd bring me home flowers all the time that bloomed the complete wrong season. He loved to make things fly and create pictures in the firepit and he was always coming home with some new animal that was absolutely enamoured with him." Hunith had a endearing smile on her face.

"It was impossible to get him to stop using magic. For the longest time he hadn't even realised that he was. It was so natural for him, he was two before he realised that he was doing anything at all. He asked me why his bowl floated to him but mine didn't do the same. He thought that was just how the world worked and hadn't realised he was doing anything at all. Even the flowers he loved so much he thought that was just how flowers grew, they appeared when you wanted them to. Even after he understood what magic was, he couldn't stop himself. He used to say to me, "But my magic wants to be free." And I couldn't quite understand, but it seemed so cruel everytime I had to tell him that it couldn't be. But no matter how cruel it was, it was less cruel then what any Camelot knight would do if they saw him using magic. And they were in the forests around the village now, so it wasn't safe for Merlin to play there anymore.

"The terror came back when the soldiers arrived. I knew Merlin wouldn't stop using magic, he didn't understand, but the knights wouldn't care. So I took him to a river in the forest and told him it was for a bath. But when he got in the water... I held him under and..."

Merlin remembered. He remembered the cold water suddenly seeming colder. How he couldn't get up. How his lungs ached for air. How his magic had raged in his chest to do something but he'd never hurt his mother and so it hadn't done anything. He remembered the terror and the desperation only too well. Had relived too often in his nightmares.

"He was thrashing about in the water, trying to get out. I knew he didn't understand what was happening..." She was choking up again on her tears.

She was right, he hadn't. He hadn't understood until much later. Too late.

"But the knights, I just kept thinking if they found him. They wouldn't see a child, they'd see a monster. They wouldn't care, they'd just think he was evil and then they'd drown him. And they'd hold him down just like that and when he desperately, helplessly-" She choked on another sob, "fought back, they wouldn't care. They'd drown my baby and they wouldn't care at all. And somehow it seemed better that at least I loved him and I did care that he wanted so desperately to breathe..." She was shaking with sobs, barely able to go on.

Merlin stood and went over to her, crouching by her side he put a one hand on her arm and another on her leg. Trying to comfort her. Everyone seemed startled to see him, as if in the midst of the story they'd forgotten he was still in the room. He didn't take notice of it for too long, his mother reached down and tugged him into a tight embrace. Crying onto the top of his head.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry." She whispered, but Merlin was sure everyone could hear.

She took a few more deep breaths before she continued through her tears. "I pulled him out in the end. He was so desperate and so helpless and I just couldn't..."

Merlin remembered being pulled out of the water much more vividly. The sharp sting of the brisk winter air. His mother's embrace usually so warm now just felt... cold. He was so confused and so scared and his own mother had just held him under the water and wouldn't let him up and he hadn't understood why and then she was hugging him and he didn't understand.

"I tried to explain but I couldn't... I just told him that he couldn't use his magic. That if others saw they'd think he was monster and drown him... I... I shouldn't have said it... he didn't... he had nightmares afterwards. Every night until I told him that the knights who wanted to drown him were gone. But even after that they continued for years. They mostly stopped after he was eight. But for those years... Afterwards he stopped bringing me flowers that were out of season and one day he came home with this big smile on his face and told me that there'd been a rabbit in the woods that wanted to come home with him and he hadn't used magic and left it there so... so I didn't have to drown him because he wasn't going to be a monster anymore..." She dissolved into sobs once more and Merlin simply sat there and let her hold him. He could think of nothing else to do. He could think of nothing to say to her. It wasn't alright. It hadn't been then and it wasn't now. He couldn't appease her conscience in that way. Even if he had long ago forgiven her.

His mother didn't say anything more. She just cried and everyone else appeared to understand that that was the end of her story, or at least, all she could say of it.

Looking up he saw Gwen run from the room, and heard Elyan and Leon quietly excuse themselves. The others sat mostly still in shock, although Percival and Gwaine, the latter cursing bloody hell under his breath, made their way to the door not long after.

He looked at where Arthur had been sat on his mother's other side and realised that he must have left with the others at some point too.

Merlin wasn't panicking anymore. Or at least he didn't think he was. He wasn't sure whether he was sad or in shock or beyond fear or just tired. Maybe he felt too much or maybe he felt nothing at all. The only thing he was sure about was that nothing seemed entirely real. Somehow everyone knew about his magic and his childhood and it just didn't seem real that anything had happened.

"You should go Merlin." He heard his mother utter softly. He looked up in confusion. "You need to talk to your friends. Talk to Arthur."

And yes he needed to do that. And nononono he wanted to shake his head again. He didn't move, he just stared at her. She was probably right. He was pretty sure he couldn't think properly at the moment so maybe trusting his own judgement was a bad idea. He stood up and started to leave but he turned around.

"I don't blame you, you know. I forgave you a long time ago." He wanted her to know that.

She smiled sadly again. "I know. But how could you ever trust anyone if your own mother turned against you?" She asked.

And she was right. That was what had terrified him for so long. At the root of his fear of telling others. He had thought for years, that his mother had tried to kill him because of his magic. That she resented his magic. It wasn't until he was eight and she'd finally talked to him about it that he understood, she'd never hated him at all. But that fear... even with the best intentions his own mother had tried to kill him. And at that point, it had already become ingrained in him. He could never let anyone know, they'd kill him, they'd drown him. He was afraid of drowning. For so long. Even still he couldn't think about too long. He'd prefer a pyre.

He walked out the door and went to find Arthur. Hopefully Arthur wouldn't try and kill him. But he knew he had magic now so why wouldn't he? By his own law he was supposed to have Merlin executed. And Merlin had lied to him for so long that he was sure that Arthur hated him. Arthur would feel betrayed, of course he would. Just like Morgana and Agravaine and Gwen he would be another person who had lied to him. And the fear was there. He didn't want to die. Not really. But at least then, maybe he could sleep? He could never sleep anymore. Not after the nightmare came back.

It wasn't exactly what had happened, but a figment of what as a child he'd believed could have happened. In his nightmare, knights found out about his magic. They'd confronted his mother about it. Accused her of harbouring a sorcerer. They were going to drown him but they ordered her to do it instead. Show that she had repented of her crime. And she'd push him into the waterbarrel outside and hold him there. And he wouldn't be able to escape. And then his body would fall out into the dirt and his mother wouldn't care. His mother would be relieved that he was finally gone. She'd let them take his body away and she wouldn't cry a tear.

He'd wake up and his mother would try to soothe him every night. But he couldn't bear it, because she didn't care about him not really and she'd like it better if he died. He believed that for so long.

Now it was a bit different. The Teine Diaga had brought all that back. And his mother was right he did feel like a child again. But this time around it was Arthur who found out. He told him he was traitor. And out of all the ways Arthur had killed him during the Teine Diaga, the one that had remained in his nightmares was when he'd ordered his mother to drown him. He'd told her to 'right her wrong', and, 'finish what she should have years ago.' 'It would have been a mercy to end his life when he was young.' 'Why let a monster like that breathe at all.'

And then they'd pull his body out of the water and both walked away without a care. Leaving him to rot in the mud.

XxX

Arthur was beyond betrayed. He'd felt that at first. When Hunith had first said that Merlin had magic. Was born with it. Disbelief came first but she didn't recant it, didn't offer up some other explanation for saying something so... he'd felt betrayed. Merlin had magic. Had had it this whole time. And he'd never said anything?

But then he found out why. Why Merlin kept so many secrets. Why he lied. And he wanted to be sick. Hunith's words kept running around his mind and the pictures he'd imagined- He didn't know what Merlin had looked like as a child. But he imagined this tiny thing, all limbs and oversized ears and a stupid grin. He imagined this child growing flowers out of season and not realising that he'd done magic. He imagined animals following him home. It was so Merlin. But then he imagined that same child thrashing helplessing in a river trying desperately to save his own life. He could have died. His own mother could have killed him and Arthur might never have met him. Might never have gotten to know that obnoxious grin so well. All because he'd been born with magic. All because someone could have seen him do nothing more than innocently make a flower bloom and they would've thought him evil. And Arthur would've thought him evil.

Arthur remembered. He remembered too vividly that druid raid. When he'd drowned a child. Held them down as they desperately tried to save themselves. A child who'd done nothing except be born a druid. He'd done that. Had that child been Merlin... He wouldn't have even questioned it. And he wanted to be sick.

It wasn't alright. Nothing about that story was alright. That can't have been Merlin's childhood. Merlin was constantly happy. He couldn't have been terrified of his own mother, terrified of ever trusting anyone lest they turn on him and kill him, couldn't have been kept up everynight with nightmares of being drowned. Couldn't have grown up like that just because he liked to make flowers in the forest.

But as much as it didn't make sense at all, this past week suddenly made a lot more sense. If Merlin's past was darker than he knew then of course the Teine Diaga would've brought Merlin near breaking. Of course.

He hadn't been paying attention but he'd ended up on the battlements. His natural escape. The wind whipped fiercely up here but at least he felt like he could breathe. All the air, all the space, he wasn't suffocating anymore. Suffocating... like being underwater or having a pillow held over his head- and he was two days old damn it! Two days old! It wasn't right. It wasn't just.

He wanted so badly to believe in his father but there was no justification and Arthur didn't even try. No justification could make what Merlin had experienced okay. What Hunith had nearly done out of terror for her child was not and never could be just. His father's actions could never be explained away, not this time. And for the first time, Arthur felt like he could understand all those sorcerers who so badly wanted he and his father dead. The bitterness and the hatred. But if they'd experienced that same fear, for their own lives, for their loved ones... Their children! If magic wasn't a choice like it wasn't for Merlin... then... of course they were angry. Justifiably so.

He heard the door to the battlements open and whipped his head around. Standing hesistant in the doorway was Merlin, big ears, neckerchief and all but the smile and cheerful attitude he was supposed to have. But Arthur supposed that made sense now. How could he ask Merlin to be happy after what he went through. How had Merlin managed to be happy all these years anyway?

"Why?" He had to ask.

Merlin looked so unsure standing there. More like a lost puppy than ever. A very very sad, lost puppy. He shifted from foot to foot and shuffled closer, letting the wind blow the door closed. Merlin jumped at the bang. When he got a bit closer but still stood out of Arthur's reach he responded. "Why what?" He asked uncertainly.

"Why are you here? You must have been terrified of Camelot, why did you come? Why do you- why do you serve me?"

"My magic was getting too strong. I didn't know how to control it. Mother knew Gaius from... well a long time before and she thought that maybe he could help me."

He watched Arthur as one would watch a boar, with the utmost care in case it charged you. And Arthur supposed he couldn't blame Merlin for that. How many time had he told Merlin that magic and all who use it are evil? He wanted to punch himself.

"After I got here... Well I didn't like you much." Arthur snorted involuntarily at the memory. The feeling had been mutual back then. He wouldn't have thought if he'd found out then that Merlin was a sorcerer... That drained any humour away. "But then Lady Helen came, and I saved your life, because even if you were a bully that didn't mean you deserved to die. But then you belived me about Valiant, at least temporarily. And that plague hit and... I realised you did care about things other than your own pride. You care about your people. Someone had told me when I first arrived that you were going to be this great King and I'd laughed at them." Merlin still didn't smile, but his voice didn't sound so fearful, and reminiscence was the closest thing to positive that Arthur had seen on Merlin's face all week.

"But then you defied your own father to save my life with the mortaeus flower. And you killed a unicorn, but you were willing to die to free your people from the curse. In the end... I believed in you. I believed in the King you'd be, because I saw what you could become. What you already were. And you weren't your father."

Arthur didn't know what to say. All those things had happened so long ago. He didn't realise it had all ever meant so much to Merlin. He knew that Merlin always had faith in him, he'd missed that recently. But he'd never known until now where that faith had come from.

"I'm sorry. I truly am. I can't even. It was wrong. What you had to go through. And I'm sorry."

Merlin blinked at him in surprise. And the confusion. He tilted his head.

"You never told me and I get it. I never gave you reason to trust me. My kingdom must have the thing of your nightmares as a child."

"Arthur no." And it was the first time in two weeks that Arthur had heard Merlin sound like Merlin. His voice wasn't shaking and he didn't sound so damn scared.

"I didn't think you'd kill me. Not for a long time. Maybe somewhere, in some dark part of my mind there was a small fear that I might've been wrong. That there was always a chance. But that wasn't why I didn't tell you."

"Then why?"

"At first... you believed so much in your father and I didn't want to come between the two of you. I knew if you recognised his injustice you'd defy him. Or at least I hoped. But maybe you wouldn't want to go against your father. But then you were King and... Your father had just died and you blamed magic so I couldn't. I didn't want you to hate me." Merlin's voice became small. "And I was so sure you would. After Morgana; If someone you trusted said they had magic, you'd think I was going to end up like her and then Agravaine and Gwen... And I couldn't be just another person who betrayed you, I couldn't. But then, the- the- Teine Diaga and I- I was worried you wouldn't care about me anymore. All those fears weren't just in the back of my mind, but I saw them, and I couldn't stop thinking about them. I thought you'd drown me..." Arthur couldn't keep watching Merlin crying in front of him.

Ignoring the fact that Merlin flinched at contact these days, and that Arthur wasn't particularly a tactile person, Arthur stepped forward and hugged Merlin, because that was what Merlin needed just then. He felt Merlin stiffen but then after a moment relax.

"I don't hate you. I could never hate you. You didn't deserve any of that. And I was a blind prat who never should have listened to my father okay?" Arthur told him, ignoring how he heard his own voice break.

That was when Arthur truly felt all the tension leave Merlin's body as his friend collapsed into the embrace, hugging Arthur back.

"You're my friend and I'm sorry. And magic or no, I care about you. I wouldn't have stopped caring even if I was angry at you. I would've been angry because I cared and it hurt. Because I care about you Merlin and that's never going to change." After a moment of silence bar the wind and Merlin's muffled sobbing into his shoulder, "And of course I'll never repeat any of this again, and you are absolutely forbidden from telling anyone what I said." He heard a snort of laughter come from Merlin. At least he thought it was laughter. He hoped it was.

He pulled away so he could look at Merlin. Studying him. He was an absolute mess. Tears and snot and bags under his red eyes. Merlin needed a wash and food and a good night's sleep.

"Can't let anyone know you acted like a girl?" Merlin said. And his voice was quiet and a bit forced, but he was insulting Arthur and Arthur had never been happier in his life. He grinned like a maniac.

"I'm not the one crying like a girl." He threw back.

And Merlin smiled. Just a bit. A upturn of his lips, enough to suggest that for a moment he was actually happy.

"You don't want me dead?" Merlin questioned as though desperate for clarification.

Arthur stepped back and shook his head vehemently. "Of course not."

"You don't want my magic gone? You're okay with me, being magic?" Merlin asked hopefully, desperately.

Arthur sighed. "Merlin, I can't hate you for being as you were born to be. And I'd never want you to stop doing something that made you happy. And I was listening to your mother, magic makes you happy. You'd... play with it." He furrowed his brow, the notion of magic being a plaything still completely unreal. "I don't know about anything else, I really can't think about that right now. But you- Merlin you're not evil. And nothing you do could possibly be evil. I can believe that for you, magic is as innocent as you are."

Merlin smiled. Properly this time.

"But I have to make something clear." Arthur began in a firm voice. Merlin's smile tipped unsurely. "You said, to your mother before, that not doing magic meant that you weren't a monster?" It was Arthur's turn to be unsure. He really didn't want to talk about this. But he had to. He had to make sure that Merlin was really going to be alright.

"Yes?"

"You really believed that? That because you were born with magic you were a monster?"

Merlin nodded. "I asked Gaius the first day I came here actually. Even then I still... I didn't know why I had all this magic. There was no point. And everyone hated magic so much sometimes I'd think..."

"No. No, Merlin. You are no monster and you never were one and you'd better never think so again."

Merlin breathed in deeply. "I know. Or I knew. Before these weeks I knew. Everything got so muddled up in my fear, I don't think I thought I was a monster but I thought everyone would think I was one. But I haven't thought I was a monster in years. Because of you actually."

"What do you mean?" Arthur asked confused.

"When I met you. There was a point to my having magic. I saved you from Lady Helen, with it. And then I never really stopped. I don't know how many times I saved your life but... You were destined to be a Great King. And it was my job to make sure you lived long enough." Merlin finished with a slightly joking laugh. A breath of one at least.

Arthur didn't know what to say. He really needed to sleep. They both did. Looking out the sky he didn't understand how it could still be only mid afternoon.

"I need sleep. You need to sleep. We should talk but... I think we both need some time." Arthur said.

Merlin nodded in understanding.

But Arthur didn't quite want to leave on that note. He put his hands on Merlin's shoulders and said one last thing. "Thank you. For everything." He meant it, sincerely.

Merlin nodded again.

"Can you sleep? You won't have nightmares?" Arthur checked as they walked towards the door.

Merlin looked thoughtful for a moment and then shook his head. "They stopped when I was eight. When I understood that I didn't have to be afraid of my mother. They should stop again now, now that I realise I don't have to be afraid of you." Merlin told him tentatively.

Arthur nodded and with one last grip on Merlin shoulder, they both headed inside. First: sleep. Then, now that Arthur realised Merlin had only ever learned to lie, Arthur was determined to teach Merlin how to trust.

XxX

A/N: Ok, thank you all so much for the favourites and especially the kind people who reviewed!! I did upload this at 12:30 one morning because I couldn't sleep, so thank you ADraconicScribe for pointing out that there were a few typos, they should now be fixed.

As for continuing this was meant to be a one-shot, and I don't like dragging out storylines that aren't meant for long stories, because it kind of ruins the emotional impact of just telling what actually needs to be told. However, I had wanted to write in Gwen and the knights reactions they just didn't fit in with the flow of the story. So I will expand it into a two-shot, and give you some more reactions and aftermath, given just a little time.