This is another side story to Monster of Logic by Alxariam. She has granted approval to an unproven writer like me to invoke her story.

This snippet takes place somewhere after chapter 7 of her story, though it may not line up with her future canon, depending on how MoL develops.

Original blurb: While in the Service Club, Hikigaya Hachiman was frequently compared to the undead. Now a Gensoukyou resident, he should have expected to run into an actual undead sooner or later.

Side Story 7 — Thwarting Death Is A Life Sentence

They say you can't judge a book by its cover. Or is it 'you shouldn't'?

I don't always follow that rule myself, though in my case, it's usually with literal books and not individuals. Have you seen the levels of fanservice pandering on some of these light novel covers?

Either way, I had lived my entire life being judged by my outward appearance and observable mannerisms. To be fair, I never really made an effort to convince anyone else that their first impressions of me were woefully inaccurate, as that would have required me to expend effort for little to no return.

And yet, I found myself being judged by an actual (?) judge of Hell, who had assumed that I wasn't a human, for some reason. My experiences in the Service Club had immediately pinpointed the culprit as my pin-pointy eyes, but Eiki was asking in such a sincere manner that I was unsure if I hadn't already become non-human in my time here.

Regardless of my species status, I was very much not dead, so Eiki ordered not-my-imouto Komachi to bring me back across the Sanzu River, sensing that another deceased soul had arrived on the opposite shore. The return voyage fee would also be docked from not-my-imouto Komachi's wages, an unfortunate but not unexpected punishment for wasting time and resources that I felt partly responsible for, though I couldn't have known it at the time. Not-my-imouto Komachi tried to protest, claiming it was an honest mistake (which it was), but the judge would not budge.

Grumbling under her breath, the shinigami ferried me across in an instant, before re-adopting a cheerful attitude in order to give the recently deceased some peace of mind. At least, that's what I inferred, as I was already thinking about the choice words I would have for a certain gap youkai hag.

Waving farewell to not-my-imouto Komachi, I trekked towards what amounted to living civilization in Gensoukyou, though without a map to guide me, it came as no surprise that I ended up lost once again. Despite my superior logical reasoning that any direction away from Hell would inevitably lead me back to the land of the living, I was stunned to find myself in a graveyard, of all places. From one resting place to another, huh?

I sat down and leaned against a gravestone, not particularly caring about the supposed act of desecration I was probably committing. If a vengeful ghost without legs wanted to curse me, I would put up no resistance. [1]

A soft wind wafted by, scattering cherry blossom petals and adding an unusual hint of color to a drab and weary location. Just what was a cherry blossom tree even doing here in the first place? Was this Gensoukyou's equivalent of Aoyama Cemetery? [2]

Figuring this was as good a time as any to take a short nap, despite no longer needing rest, another knock against my supposed humanity, I was about to close my eyes and drift off when I suddenly heard irregular footsteps approaching.

Very…very…slowly.

I yawned.

*step*

*step*

*step*

I yawned again. What was taking this person (?) so long? I felt like the hare from that children's fable, except the only thing I was racing against was my dwindling patience. Taking an unusual proactive action, I grumbled as I got back to my feet, ready to tell the unwanted company to go away.

In hindsight, given the abilities displayed by many of Gensoukyou's inhabitants, making them angry was a terrible and unnecessary risk. Besides, it wasn't fair of me to assume they would initially view me as a threat or even an enemy.

"Lady Seiga was right, I should exercise more often. I feel even stiffer than usual." Another female voice. Apparently answers directly to a higher being. Probably able to outrun her if things get dicey. The figure came into view as I was assessing the threat level, ready to make a break for it if necessary.

Huh, she kind of looked like one of those Chinese zombies, what were they called again? Jia…Jang…Jiangshi! [3] That red talisman on her forehead clinched it! She didn't seem as pale as that one time a drunk Marisa recalled fighting alongside an undead zombie miko. [4] She seemed lacking in intelligence and mobility, but I did recall that they felt neither pain nor fatigue, so a long drawn out encounter would put me at a severe disadvantage. At the moment, it seemed she hadn't noticed me ye-

"Hey, pal! What are you doing all the way out here?"

Was she talking to me? I looked around, certain that no one else was in this gloomy place. Just my luck, I supposed. "I think you have the wrong person; I don't even know you."

"Nah, I'd recognize eyes like that anywhere! You're totally one of us!" What? "You have to teach me your secrets! How did your limbs get so flexible?"

I sighed deeply. All those cracks Yukinoshita made about me being a member of the undead finally came full circle. Here I was, being mistaken for one by an actual non-living undead.

"Let me get one thing straight: I am not a zom-, no, not a jiangshi. I'm a human, got it?"

The jiangshi tilted her head. Or at least, she tried to tilt her head, but the stiffness in her neck prevented that and she ended up just standing there awkwardly, trying and failing to non-verbally express her confusion.

"Yeah? Well, I'm not a zombie! Gah! I hate it when people get it wrong!" Did I trigger her somehow? I even corrected myself, so I didn't get why she's so upset in the first place. "If you're not a comrade, then what are you doing here in the Great Mausoleum?"

Oh, so this place had an official name after all. "I was about to take a nap, but then you showed up and mistook me for someone else." I doubted my sarcasm was going to register with her, given that she was a jiangshi and all.

"I see. So you're another enemy then." She took another stiff step towards me. "Finally, I can make Lady Seiga proud and redeem myself!"

Wha-

Without warning, she dove headfirst at me, barreling into a gravestone as I barely dodged out of the way. The stone crumbled like a poorly constructed wall, immediately cueing me into the fact that she had all her points invested into physical strength. [5]

"Stand still, you!" Hah, funny joke. "Let me bite you so that you can join us in serving Lady Seiga!" Nope, not gonna happen.

She readjusted her position and barreled at me again, but thankfully, it was easy to predict based on where her stiff arms were pointing. Another gravestone shattered into smaller fragments, but she did not seem hampered in the least as she tried again and again.

This 'battle' (if it could even be called that), continued on for quite some time, as neither of us actually tired out at a regular human rate. By the thirteenth destroyed marker, I asked myself, 'Why haven't I just run away yet?' I didn't actually need to recover via napping, and I certainly didn't have any emotional attachment to this place, so I guessed it was just my stubbornness, as usual.

I noted that she (name still unknown to me at this point) wasn't exactly in peak condition after all those failed launches; visible scrapes and bruises were increasing, but it was only when she dislocated her left arm that she finally paused her attacks and did something new. She opened her mouth and begin sucking in the air, mystifying me. Was she meditating? Was this one of those 'exercises' she mentioned earlier?

As it turned out, I wasn't even close.

She continued to inhale, and I began to faintly see ghostly flames materializing, before disappearing into her open cavity. Slowly, her left arm began to restore itself to its former stiff state, leading me to hypothesize that she could somehow 'eat' spirits to heal herself. [6]

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a purple object disappear behind of the still-intact gravestones. [7] Not wanting to divide my focus, I eyed the jiangshi girl as she prepared another all-or-nothing blitz, having restored herself completely. What is with this unfair regeneration ability?

"Yoshika! That's enough!" A sharp voice, also female (because of course), rang out, interrupting our duel. "Goodness, look at the mess you've made here!"

Was it my imagination, or was the voice coming from below us?

My question was answered almost immediately as the ground literally opened up. [8] A blue-haired woman hopped out, clad in a teal dress. If my guess was right, then she was the 'Lady Seiga' previously alluded to. Her hairstyle was done up into two loops, a stick holding them in place.

She then noticed my presence and turned to address me. "And who might you be? Are you the cause of Yoshika's misbehavior?"

Ah, so the jiangshi is named 'Yoshika'. Also, why was it automatically assumed that this was all my fault? Can't a guy get some decent peace and quiet around here? Why was there so much activity in a graveyard in the first place?

Gesturing to Yoshika, I explained, "I was minding my own business when your subordinate, mistaking me for a zombie-"

"Jiangshi!" corrected Yoshika.

"Right, right, whatever. She didn't believe me when I said I was a human, then she started assaulting me out of nowhere! From an outsider's point of view, I'm the victim here!"

Seiga briefly gave me a look over, probably verifying my non-jiangshi status, then grinned.

I knew that grin. She always wore that grin prior to unleashing something unpleasant. A chill went down my spine. Somehow, instinctively, I just knew she and Seiga were on the same wavelength.

"Yoshika."

"Yes, Lady Seiga?"

"Did you notice anything missing from this person over here?"

Yoshika would've scratched her head in thought if her limbs weren't so stiff, I bet. Lacking the necessary brainpower to process a correct answer, she admitted, "No, I don't, Lady Seiga."

Seiga pointed a finger at her own forehead. "He's missing a talisman. Here. How can I possibly control my servants without those?"

"Oh. Oh, yeah." Setting aside the fact that I had absolutely no intention of becoming anybody's servant, I wondered what unhinged personality would choose to control an army of the undead.

"Please forgive Yoshika, human. She is simply following orders to create more of her kind."

"I don't think that's going to be possible; I'm obviously unharmed, as you can tell, but since you're her superior, this is your fault as well." Did I have a death wish? Why was I admonishing this woman?

"My, you're an interesting one." Déjà vu? "Tell me your name, human."

"Hachiman." I doubted that not giving her my full name would have any consequences.

"Hachiman, do you have any idea who I am?"

I shook my head; I didn't care, either, but saying that out loud would have lead to a BAD END.

"Great! Then that means the propaganda hasn't sullied your perception of me!" Seiga must have had a pretty negative reputation in Gensoukyou if she put it like that. [9] "I'm Kaku Seiga, a hermit. Though technically speaking, 'Cloistered Mystical Taoist Pious Mountain Wizard' would be a more accurate description." [10]

"Yeah, I'll just stick with 'hermit', if that's fine with you." Realizing that I hadn't been torn limb from limb yet, I asked, "Why aren't you summoning more helpers to surround and attack me? Yoshika was acting like a guard earlier, as if I was trespassing. You showing up only reinforces that theory. And yet, here we are, talking in a civil manner."

"You're correct; I could have done that and resolved this in an instant. But normally, a human doesn't last this long against Yoshika. I personally find that fact, and you, by extension, very interesting. And besides, I can always forcibly convert you later, if I so wish." [11] [12]

Yup. Definitely like her in all the worst ways. I need to make her lose interest in me as fast as possible, then.

"Nope, I'm just an average human, nothing special about me. Can I take my leave now?" I was really hoping she wouldn't pry any further.

Yoshika began slowly chasing something in the background; probably that purple blur I saw earlier. Good, at least her attention wasn't on me for the time being.

"So you didn't come here to get a taste of my delectable flesh?" As she said this, she sensually slipped her dress' sleeve off, exposing a shoulder blade.

"What?! No, I already told you I didn't know who you were!" That was unexpected, to say the least! "Besides, I'm not comfortable with eating anything that closely resembles humans." I was going to say 'cannibalism' at first, but that only applies to the same species.

Seiga looked slightly insulted, though I was sure it was just a false expression. "Really? You'll gain youkai powers if you do, though I won't make it that easy for you." [13] Oh, so you were just deliberately misleading me with that innuendo. Another similarity with her. "Well then, how about this? If you become a hermit another way, you can still reap all of the benefits!"

I wasn't going to get pulled into her pace, so I maintained a poker face. "What other methods could a human like myself use?" I doubted the gods here in Gensoukyou looked upon me with such favor that they would directly transform me into a hermit. [14]

"You could do what I did," began Seiga. "Fake your own death!"

I wasn't sure I heard that correctly. "That sounds like the complete opposite of what a 'pious' individual should do." Also, isn't that just a fugitive?

"OK, so I left out a lot of boring details, but you are correct. People are supposed to die when they are killed, but since my actions are seen by the narrow-minded are 'evil', Hell occasionally sends assassins after me to 'properly' see me off." I made note of her sarcastic air quotes, sensing that Seiga had become accustomed to this 'minor inconvenience'.

"And how often do you have to defend yourself from these killers?"

"Ah, not that often, maybe once or twice a century." At least it isn't that frequent. [15] But then factoring in other humans and youkai who wish to consume hermit flesh, and that frequency climbs a bit. So far, not exactly the type of life I would wish for.

"In addition to an unaging body, hermits no longer need to worry about daily worries such as sustenance and warmth. A hermit's world is separate from the chaotic world of humans."

This was a much stronger selling point for me, though I wasn't seriously considering the idea, given the whole 'hunted by Heaven and Hell' thing. As my dream was to be a househusband, the appeal of not needing to work in order to put food on the table was undeniably strong. After all, if I don't need to eat, I don't need to make money. However, I was still going to need to somehow legally obtain the latest games and light novels, so maybe I didn't need to work nearly as much, then.

"Oh, but there is one more catch, though." Really? The divine hitmen weren't enough? "You also need to cut off all ties with family and friends. But you don't look like you have that many ties remaining anyways."

Where did that assessment of me come from? Sure, it wasn't incorrect, given that I ended up in Gensoukyou in the first place, but even I, proud loner that I am, held a few people dear.

And since I was already kicking myself for leaving Komachi behind, there was no way I was ever going to entertain the idea of becoming a hermit, no matter what other benefits were offered.

"I decline."

"What?" Did she honestly think I was going to blindly accept, even after hearing those downsides? "You know, I still hold control over this situation right now. Think carefully about your position."

"I will admit that becoming immortal is one of humanity's greatest dreams, and that I, too, am intrigued. But even assuming the occasional assassin is a nuisance at best, I have bonds with several people very close to me that I will never sever." Besides, I still hadn't caught up with the latest ToraSaba developments.

Seiga simply shrugged her shoulders, having replaced her sleeve at some point in our conversation. "Well, if you ever change your mind, you know where to find my underling."

Yeah, sure. I'm going to try to stay out of any graveyards from now on.

"It's the least I can do, but why don't I take you back to the Human Village?"

Not keen on repeating what happened the first night I arrived, I shook my head. I didn't feel like telling her that both humans and youkai alike had already mistaken me for a non-human. If word ever got back to Yukinoshita, she would mercilessly bring it up as much as possible duing club hours.

"Wait, since you cut off all ties when you became a hermit, who could you possibly be visiting in the Human Village?" The incongruency in her actions all but shouted, 'Point us out!'

"It's the season for a quaint tradition amongst humans where presents are exchanged. Sometimes, a reverse-thief breaks into their homes to leave gifts, without requiring recompense! But get this! No one has ever seen this 'Santa Claus'! Why should we believe in a being whose existence can't be perceived?"

Huh, so the Christmas tradition has even spread to Gensoukyou?

"So I thought, Why not just cut out the middleman? I'll use my ability to deliver the toys to children, helping prop up local businesses at the same time!" [16]

Oh, so even Seiga has a soft si-

"And then I'll just collect payment, regardless if they're awake or asleep! I'm not a charity! It's a business opportunity!"

Never mind, she's way beyond even her. Sticky Fingers, what an appropriate Stand. [17]

Author's Notes:

[1] Mima is a character from the pre-Windows era of Touhou. Despite being a recurring character in the PC-98 games (1~5), she has not made any official game appearances since then.

[2] Aoyama Cemetery is a popular tourist spot in Tokyo, owing to its amazing cherry blossom viewing experience. The juxtaposition of life and death symbolism is readily apparent.

[3] 'Jiangshi' is sometimes translated as Chinese vampires, due to life-draining abilities, but zombies are a common Western monster parallel. The Chinese translation is literally 'stiff corpse'. Notable pop culture example include: the enemies in Super Mario Land, Hsien-Ko from Darkstalkers, and Lee Pyron/Bai-Long from Shaman King.

[4] Due to Hakurei Reimu's character portrait art fluctuating between games (Mountain of Faith, 10th game), this has become a running joke, usually uttered by Kirisame Marisa. The meme actually predated Yoshika Miyako's first appearance (Ten Desires, 13th game).

[5] Unfortunately for Yoshika Miyako, high physical strength is near meaningless when everything is decided by danmaku battles.

[6] Yoshika Miyako has the ability to eat anything, and spirits do indeed heal her, but only up to a certain undead extent. "You are what you eat" thankfully does not apply to her. As of 2019, Yoshika Miyako is still the only boss character in an official danmaku-style Touhou game who can heal in battle.

[7] A certain abandoned umbrella from the Outside World.

[8] Seiga Kaku's ability is to use her hair stick to pass through walls/floors/ceilings. This is not like the X-Men's Shadowcat (becoming intangible), but more like Jojo's [STICKY FINGERS].

[9] In-universe, Seiga is known as a 'wicked hermit', possessing limited immortality. She is one of the rare named characters to be labelled as 'evil'.

[10] This is not an overly verbose translation; the term 'hermit' does not properly encapsulate all of the subtleties.

[11] Official materials indicate Yoshika as a very high level threat to humans, while Seiga is faux-friendly towards humans and is 'only' considered a high level threat due to her machinations.

[12] In-universe (Touhou), this would usually refer to religious conversion (Taoism), though given Hachiman's situation here, Seiga is probably talking about making him into a jiangshi.

[13] Assuming 'humans' fall under the 'animals' umbrella. If a youkai eats hermit flesh, then it will ascend even further.

[14] Celestials are a higher class of hermits, some of which are former humans who received Heaven's favor. The only named Touhou character in this category will probably show up in a later chapter.

[15] Seiga's age is stated to be at least 1400 years old, so she has probably successfully fought off at least a dozen assassins.

[16] Yes, Christmas is indeed celebrated in Gensoukyou to an extent. 'Seiga Claus' is canon.

[17] I absolutely will not apologize for this pun.

Merry Christmas, you [GAPPED] readers/followers/reviewers.