A/N: Double update.

Whoooo. Yaaaaaaaaay, I guess?

Sorry, I'm really stressed out at the moment. Why, you ask? Well:

Because someone cussed at me out of the blue, got out of his car, and all but tried to get into MY car. Through an open window. WHILE I WAS IN SAID CAR! DRIVING IT! Granted, I was driving slowly, but still! I closed the window in the bastard's face, and he took off! Do you have any idea how freaked out I am right now?! I didn't even know the guy! I don't understand! Is this about my writing? Are people attacking me in real life because of it now? What did I do wrong?!

WHAT DID I DO WRONG?!

And THEN I come home to a sea of anonymous bullshit and angry PM's harassing me for writing. ARE YOU SODDING KIDDING ME?!

Now, I'm normally a nice person! I'm also a right tall bugger so it takes a lot to shake me up but consider me right and properly nettled!

HERE then. Have this. Because no one else would do it and I needed to get away from my Fate stuff a day. Granted, I only have two more new ones planned-followed by a slew of mass updates-but I had to get this out before my head burst or I started punching the wall or...worse.

So here, I put my heart and soul into this, just like everything else out there.

I wanted to write something nice, something simple, and funny.

...and spooky once we get to Subcon Forest, of course.

One final clarification, this is Post-Kaguya Naruto.

Oh, he's still young, I just thought I'd clarify.

As ever, this will be gone in two days if people don't like it. I do hope you like it T_T

I ask for nothing in return, just the occasional review. Is that so much to ask for? Just a few words...

"What the pecking peck are ya doin', ya daft peck neck?!"

"Gasp! Language!"

"Peck off!"

~?

Oh Peck No

Entry #1:

Where.

The hell.

Did I. LAND?!

One moment I was taking a nap after getting used to my new arm. I just...closed my eyes for a bit, ya know? Got a bit of shut eye. Didn't think much of it. Why should I? Nothing like a morning nap after surgery to soothe the nerves, you know? Again, I thought nothing of it. Next thing I know, I'm on an island in the middle of nowhere! Literally!

I don't even know how I got here!

Stole this journal from one of the weird "Mafia" goons and started writing it. Hopefully it'll keep me sane.

Another thing to note:

I hit him on the head and he...exploded. Into smoke. Just...POP! Like a shadow clone. Weird.

Entry #2:

Its been a week now.

This isn't a dream or a genjutsu; I've bashed my head against a wall enough times to know that.

How long have I been here? Days? Weeks? Months?

I tried water walking to see how far I could get and there was...nothing. Just an endless expanse of ocean stretching out to nowhere.

How do I get home?

Entry #3:

Mafia this!

Mafia THAT!

Mafia, Mafia Mafia!

By the log, if I hear somebody say "Mafia" one more damn time...well, I don't know what I'm going to but its going to be unpleasant!

Entry #4:

It wasn't pleasant for them.

Very pleasant for me, though.

What can I say? Orange looks good on everyone.

Entry #5:

Me?

In charge?

Noooooooonononono!

I could rule the lot of them if I wanted to, but I DON'T want to. They're bad guys. Not the terrible murdery sort mind you, but still. Bad guys. I knock their heads together whenever I see them, and perhaps that keeps them from doing something particularly stupid. Who knows? Its fun to give them a good scare every now and again, I guess. Mafia was terrified! Mafia knew all along! Ha! Its not quite as satisfying as painting the Four Faces back in Konoha, but its a close second.

Might do it again sometime.

Entry #6:

Well! I seem to have picked up a...what's the word? A follower? An apprentice?

Reminds me of a storybook I read once as a kid. Little Red Riding Hood or somesmuch. Yeah, I think that's it. Just what is it with these people and not having proper names? Moustache Girl? Seriously? Confusing. Anyway, she keeps following me around. Apparently I'm a good guy. Well, obviously. I already knew that.

Why the hell is she following me?

Moreover, why the hell is she calling me boss?

Geez, it almost reminds me of Konohamaru, really.

Entry #7:

Set Kurama loose just to spook the Mafia. Worth it.

Bastards just rebuilt practically overnight. Might have to do something about that.

Question: does everything just respond at the end of the day? That shouldn't make any sense, but...

Entry #8:

Damn kid-I've taken to calling her Moustache Girl now-keeps pestering me to take over the island. Been blowing her off. I just want to go home. Its been...what, a year now? Nothing's changed. I tried stealing a boat but I didn't know how to sail the damn thing and wound up crashing it. At least the Mafia give us a wide berth nowadays. Not all of them. Have to knock a few skulls together sometimes just to remind them who they're messing with. Stubborn bunch.

Another prank might be in order.

Entry #9:

Oh. Great. Now its raining stars. Why wouldn't it be?

Seriously! I've had enough! I wanna go home!

Somebody get me outta here...

(...0o0o0...)

Awake!

Naruto sputtered upright as a hat landed on his head. Flailing fiercely to no avail; his hands closed around handfuls of grass that did absolutely nothing to support him. For all his thrashing about he only crashed back down and smacked his head against an upturned root for his troubles. Stars burst before his vision and he reflexively curled inward on himself, shielding his eyes from the sun as much as the searing pain blazing behind his eyes even now squeezed tightly shut against it.

He must've fallen asleep somewhere in the interim; because he didn't remember falling asleep on a warm patch of grass.

After a moment's confusion, he finally found his journal where he'd left it; half open, its ninth entry left almost unfinished. Only after he'd snatched the worn red tome up and returned it to the customary pouch at his waist did he remember the hat. It rested against the tangle golden mane of his hair like a lazy seagull, content in its perch. Without thinking he sat up and plucked it from his head. It didn't even fit. Rather, it looked as though it had been fashioned for a child. Odd. Very odd indeed.

Little more than a purple top hat at that. Who would wear something like this? Why, for that matter?

"Now, where did you come from?" he wondered aloud at this strange headgear.

"Collecting hats now, are we?" a familiar voice chided in his mind.

Naruto rolled his eyes petulantly.

"Oh, shut up furball."

If it had any answers for him, the afternoon was loathe to given them. Eventually he conceded the fight and with a jaw-popping yaw, jolted to his feet. His body squawked in protest, annoyed by the sudden movement, yet no so out of practice that it refused to move outright. Hmm. He was getting stiff. Might be time to practice, but on whom? The blond blew a raspberry at his own morbid thoughts and reluctantly hopped down off his perch to find some semblance of breakfast. Preferably fresh.

Which meant he was probably going to have to catch a gull. Again. Damnit.

He'd have to find something decent to steal-eat!-seeing as these louts couldn't cook to save their lives.

He still didn't understand how that darn girl managed not to starve before he came along; most of the food here was god-awful!

Indeed, he'd only just made his decision; eyeing one of the birds perched up on a nearby pavilion, when a blur of purple in his peripherals caught his eye.

Then something thumped his back.

"Hey~!" a soft, petulant voice cried. "That's mine!"

For a being who had faced down gods and won, it didn't even tickle.

"What in the...?"

He looked around...then down.

At a glance his would-be attacker appeared to nothing more than a small human child with bright brunette hair. One clad in in a big, purple shirt bearing a bright yellow cape and a large zipper at that, alongside a pair of white pants and brown boots. She looked almost tiny compared to the foes he usually faced, and he wasn't at all inclined to take her seriously at first. Even less so, the bright blue umbrella clutched in her right hand. Aw. Somehow it made her seem even less a threat and more an adorable little girl without a hat.

Which was probably hers, going by the color scheme.

At first he wondered just how she'd managed to lose it in the first place. Then it came to him; the wind. There had been a particularly vicious storm two nights ago, and it had been wild ever since. Must've flown right off of her head when she wasn't looking. That it had somehow fallen on him while he was sleeping was just luck on his part, he supposed.

...this yours, then?" he offered the worn headgear, spinning it on a finger. "Think you dropped it."

Her little head bobbed earnestly, her turquoise eyes never leaving him.

Well, in for a penny, in for a pound, then.

"You got a name, kiddo?"

She fidgeted shyly.

Naruto knew that look.

"Alright, no need to give me the puppy-dog eyes. Here." With one deft flick of the wrist the hat sailed back to her. "Have it back, then."

Her face lit up and in a single deft motion she snatched it out of the hair and planted it on her head. "Thank you~!"

"You new around here?" he asked, after a moment's hesitation. "Haven't seen you before."

She shook her head, waved, and skittered off like a startled spider.

Didn't even linger overlong to wave, at that.

He'd seen that same expression staring back at him from the mirror as a boy. Hers was...worse. Much worse. Not only was she lost and confused, but the poor thing was outright terrified. And unlike him, she didn't have an array of earth-shattering powers to keep her attackers at bay. He'd only glimpsed her anxiety for the merest of moments, but it was enough. He shouldn't get involved. He really shouldn't get involved, not when he'd already had his own share of misadventures to deal with, and he certainly didn't need to take on more.

And yet...and yet...!

To his credit, he made it all of ten seconds.

Then he hopped down off the crate and started following her.

He wasn't worried about her, he told himself, no, not at all, not in the least...

"Hey, kid" He called out after her rapidly retreating back. "Slow down, there! Wait up!"

A/N: As ever, this will be gone in two days if people don't like it. Just putting that out there."

I do hope you like it T_TA/N:

There.

Plenty of madness and mayhem ahoy!

Pranks! Tricks! Traps! Laughter, this'll have it all!

Just a fluffy little bit of friendship and happiness. I needed that after all that dark shit I've been writing. If I wanted to, I could tie this into the "A Most Unlikely" series, but I won't. I'm going to show some restraint here.

I wrote

Preeeeeeeeeeeeeeetty sure there ain't gonna be no romance in this story. Just consider Naruto a big brother of sorts.

This is mean to make you smile dear reader, and I truly hope I managed to accomplish that.

Aaaaaaaaand there we be! Still updating this despite the lack of DLC.

Why isn't it coming to consoles for crying out louuuuuuuud?!

So...in the Immortal Words of Atlas...

...Review, Would You Kindly?

Get ready to laugh.

(Previews)

"Hey kiddo...wanna play a prank?"

"MAFIA KNEW ALL ALONG! SPACE ALIEEEEEEEEENS!"

"Wait a second?! Where did she go-

A mud pie sailed into his face at reckless speed.

His hand rose slowly, ponderously, scraping the goo from his face. "You. Run. Now."

With a delighted shriek the child bolted back the way they'd come. Slippery little devil...!

"FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!"

A blond brow rose. "Really, now? We're going to play that game?"

"Tough customer, eh?" Snatcher scoffed. "Doesn't matter. You're not going any-

Without word or warning, he found himself face with a golen fox the size of a mountain...with a maw to match.

...tell you what. Why don't you just run along and we'll pretend this never happened. You never saw me, I never saw you."

"Mafia is fastest man alive!"

Blue eyes gleamed. "Wanna run that by me again?"

"Who do you work for?"

As if summoned by that very inquiry, a looming face burst over her shoulder. "WHY HELOOOOOOOOOOO THERE!"

Hat Kid offered little more than a small, smug smile as her would be accoster flinched spectacularly. It was more than enough. "Him."

R&R~! =D