Josh's Wedding

The moment where the bride and groom finally see each other on their wedding day is one of the most precious moments of the event. For Josh, looking at his beautiful bride—highschool sweetheart Mindy Crenshaw—would have been a perfect moment, if it hadn't been for what happened next.

"You're a snake!" A loud voice cut through. The string quartet screeched to a complete and sudden stop. There was a loud collective gasp among the guests. Mr. Crenshaw and Mindy stopped in their tracks.

"Drake, wait!" a voice called as none other than the infamous Drake Parker waltzed—stumbled—towards the altar. The voice belonged to no other than his Mexican manager. (Drake is quite the catch in Mexico).

"No me hagas esto! You will ruin your entire career! The DUI was enough! Drake—"

"Shut up!" Drake hissed, in the likeness of the rattle snake in front of his own very eyes, Josh Nichols.

The snake that has ruined his life.

"Drake! What on Earth are you doing here?" Mindy exclaimed. "This is my wedding and I get to choose who comes here!"

Drake ignored her response, knocking his manager into the crowd of stunned guests. They cried out in pain. Good, Drake thought. They all deserved it, and more!

"Drake! How could you do this to me?" Josh whispered. "Drake, why are you—" he paused. "Have you been drinking?" Drake responded by spitting liquor directly towards Josh's face. "HEADACHES!"

The liquor resembled Bud Light Lime-A-Rita. Josh knows this because this is what Walter would drink every Tuesday night. How could have Drake possibly gotten so wasted on a Lime-A-Rita?

Megan stood up and left, muttering "boobs" under her breath. Even she couldn't deal with the sheer immaturity.

Drake stole a violin. He attempted to play it like a guitar. "I NEVER THOUGHT THAT IT'D BE SO SIMPLE BUT—"

Josh could only stare in shock. Here was his well-planned, pristine, nearly-perfect wedding to his partner of 6 years, ruined by his ignorant step-brother.

Walter, meanwhile, proceeded to down another Lime-A-Rita before quietly leaving. Audrey, stunned, (and the only sensible member of the family, it appears) stood from her chair and ran towards Drake and Josh.

"DRAKE!" She ripped the violin out from his hands, breaking it into many pieces. The violinist sobbed. "That's enough. I'm calling you a cab. You're such a disappointment." Drake threw a roll of bread at the cellist.

"He's the one marrying Mindy!" Drake yelled. Mr. Crenshaw ran over and attempted to wrestle the drunk musician to the ground. Some guests got up and began gathering their things. The pastor checked his watch. Craig and Eric called the local authorities. They had come together. Their wedding was next year, coincidentally on the same date. Although, now they might move it, considering how this day was going for Josh.

Walter was combing his balding hair. It looked worse every day. He was sure Audrey was having an affair with Bruce Windchill. He sighed and in his drunken state, set fire to his hair. "I don't need it anymore." Audrey turned towards her disappointing husband and swiftly sent a text message to her divorce lawyer, noting, it's time.

People were screaming and fleeing the scene. Drake chuckled. Josh went pale. He looked at Mindy. She threw her veil onto the ground and stomped it into the dirt with the heel of her left shoe.

Mrs. Hayfer, who by the way wasn't invited either, appeared from seemingly nowhere, like a dung beetle. "I hate you, Drake."

"WELL, I HATE YOU, SNAAAKE. HIISSSSSSS." Drake spat. Literally spat in the face of his former high school English teacher. "Enjoy mono, bitch!" Drake laughed as Mrs. Hayfer screamed and ran towards the authorities.

The local authorities was running towards Drake. Not only was this failed musician incredibly wasted at his step-brother's wedding, but his own car's headlights weren't turned on. That's one hefty violation, especially since Drake's license was recently suspended. They cornered Drake.

But Drake wasn't going to take it. Not this time. "OUT OF MY WAY!" Drake smacked the authorities with the cello. Drake was tased immediately and escorted to a jail cell.

Josh and Mindy's jaws were both dropped.

"...You may now kiss the bride?" The pastor said. It was his first wedding. He forgot about literally everything else he was supposed to say.

J.W.

Drake had finally sobered up in his cell. He had been to prison quite a few times as a teenager, and even a few times as an adult. He sighed. This time he was very guilty. Bail had been posted, but he knew nobody in his family would care enough to pay for him. He tried to convince his Mexican manager to bail him out, but his manager screamed at him, and fired him. Drake is also banned from Mexico. The Mexican government was seriously considering building a wall just to keep Drake out.

Drake had no shoes on. His cellmate had stolen them. He wondered how it had come to this. When did he end up alone in the world? Was it when he spent all of his money on Japanese candy and stole money from his family? Was it when he randomly moved to Mexico without telling a soul? Bullying Justin Bieber on Twitter? Was it when he drunkenly punched a policeman? Was it when his albums were banned in every school in America for containing inappropriate and disturbing lyrics and subliminal messages?

He missed high school. The good old days of 2004. Drake was popular, dated many girls, and had a bright future ahead of him as a famous hot star. He had absolutely no care whatsoever in the world. He found himself humming his song he became most famous for, I Found a Way. Ironically, he hadn't found a way yet. He thought back to the time a kid threw a ball at his face during his performance. The time Mrs. Hayfer nearly prevented him from graduating. He thought of all of the lies he'd told. He'd told girls that he was part werewolf, he told his mom that he'd go to college, he'd told his brother that they'd be friends forever, he'd told his sister that he wasn't the one who spilled applesauce on the kitchen floor.

Drake had just "moved forward" with his life, taken the first record deal he could, and moved to Mexico. He didn't realize that leaving people behind would really turn into people leaving him behind. Now Trevor was in rehab, his bandmates had their own careers, and Josh was…

Josh was done with Drake, yet again.

And then Drake looked up. A guard was there. "You have a visitor."

J.W.

It was Josh.

"Why."

They'd said it at the same time with the same tone. Hollow and lifeless eyes bore into each other.

Drake figured he should speak first. He was Drake after all. "You didn't invite me."

"YES I DID, DRAKE! YES I DID!"

"No!"

"I SENT YOU AN EVITE AND YOU SAID NO."

Drake was silent.

"Well, evites are pretty...lame."

"You ruined my wedding. You ate my wedding cake. You drank nearly all of the alcohol there. Dad is bald now. Mindy won't go on the honeymoon now."

"Am I supposed to feel sorry?" Drake crossed his arms, leaning forward. "What do you want me to say, huh? I'm sorry that the little skinny snake didn't get to hiss to his honeymoon?"

"The—what? Stop calling me a snake! Why did you do this to me, Drake? Why can't you accept that I am happy! Well, I was happy, until you RUINED it, Drake! RUINED IT!"

"Oh, please," Drake scoffed. "I didn't ruin it. Walter has been balding since before your wedding, you don't even eat wedding cake because snakes eat mice, if anything, YOU ruined MY music CAREER!"

Josh was appalled. How more delusional could Drake be? This was not the Drake Parker from 2004. This was the sad, angry Drake Parker from 2019, and he wasn't liking it at all. Where did they go wrong?

"Drake, do you genuinely believe I ruined your music career?" he whispered.
"Drake...your music was never that great. Your prime was in 2004."

"YOU TAKE THAT BACK!" Drake lunged.

Josh screamed. "HELP, SOMEBODY! HELP ME!" he screamed towards the police. The police glanced towards Josh before heading on their lunch break. "FINE, 2007! Before Big Time Rush!"

"I'm better than some boy band!"

Josh bit his tongue. It bled. "Oh, the pain!"

"Fine. I understand that this isn't 2007 anymore," Drake quietly admitted. "But I have a huge fanbase in Mexico! Well, before I was banned, at least. Don't you understand? I am the Drake Parker! My name will never be forgotten! I am the real DRAKE"

"Is that so?" Josh asked, with blood gushing down his face. He paid no attention to it. Drake was getting kind of disturbed. "I am kind of light-headed," Josh said. "But I know I am in the right state of mind to say this! If you're the REAL Drake, why did you show up to my wedding angry and drunk? Why do you hate me!"

"Nobody likes me anymore." Drake stated. He cried rainbow.

"Are you crying a rainbow? DRAKE, cut the act! Pride month is OVER!"

It was indeed over. Drake has to appeal to the LGBTQ+D (D for 'Drake') fanbase community. It wasn't working.

"This is getting out of hand," Josh sighed. He stood up from his chair and paced anxiously around the room. "Drake, I want you to listen to me. We do like you. Maybe, not as much anymore, considering how much of an asshole you can be…"

"Is this supposed to make me feel better?"

"I said LISTEN!" Josh was so exasperated at this point. Here was his step-brother, lost and clueless as ever, still stuck in the delusion fantasy that he is still as famous as Big Time Rush.

"What?"

Josh sighed. "You're an embarrassment. You peaked in high school. You barely even graduated high school. You're completely broke and have no intention of getting a job. You have no health insurance and Mom still pays for everything, and still does your laundry, even though nobody even knows where you live."

"A trailer."

"Okay. Well...It's time to grow up."

"It's parked behind a Taco Bell."

Josh sighed. "Grow up. You're thirty-three. Drake...I'm not only embarrassed by you, I'm disappointed by you. This is why I can't hug ya brotha, not anymore! How am I supposed to tell my son who his uncle is when he's born?"

"Wait, what? Son? Mindy is PREGNANT?" Drake screamed. "GET OUT OF HERE!"

"Drake, wait,"

"I SAID GET OUT YOU SCUM" Drake hissed and threw a chair directly at Josh's head. The police glanced at Josh before heading out to their second lunch break.

Josh groaned in obvious pain and rolled around on the ground like a caterpillar for about thirty seconds before standing up and wobbling. "Yes, Drake. Mindy is pregnant. We are having a baby, because we want to be parents. You know. Grown-up stuff."

"Disgusting!" Drake recoiled. Josh had sex? What is this world coming to?

Drake picked up the chair again and threw it towards Josh, again. A few other policemen glanced at Josh before heading out to their third lunch break.

"Ok, this is so ridiculous!" Josh cried. "Can't you be happy for me? Can't we reminiscence on Taco Bell like the good old times?"

"The good old times, Josh...are over." Drake said dramatically. He then ripped off his handcuffs and walked scott-free out of the police station. Josh went running after him, screaming his name non-sexually.

J.W.