A/N: I don't own Steven Universe. The main difference is Steven and Connie are 18. Being the first chapter things will be a bit slow but a lot of the jokes will only work in chapter 2. This is a crack fic that makes fun of Pearl.
Pearl the Accidental Sex Offender
Chapter 1: The Accident
*Gem House, 1 Week after the events of Change Your Mind* (No not the Counting Crows song.)
"STEVEN IT'S 9:45 PM, GET YOUR ASS IN BED! AMETHYST WHERE THE HELL IS STEVEN?!" Pearl asked.
"Beats me, but I did see him talk with Connie earlier today about stuff." Said Amethyst as she downed a burrito in record time.
"He must be at Connie's house…..(gasp) SHE MIGHT TRY TO FONDLE HIS PEE-PEE! I CAN'T LET THAT HAPPEN!" Pearl said as she formed two swords and marched over to the warp pad (which was connected to Connie's house) "WITH TUMBLR AS MY WITNESS, I WILL SEE TO IT THAT NO NAUGHTY THINGS BEFALL STEVEN! AND UPON RESCUING HIM, I'LL GIVE CONNIE A VERY STERN TALK ABOUT NOT CHOKING STEVEN'S CHICKEN, FOLLOWED BY AN ANTI-TRUMP SPEECH AND FINALLY ANOTHER SPEECH ABOUT THE IMPORTANCE OF WOMAN'S RIGHTS OVER THE RIGHTS OF OTHERS!" Pearl declared like the close-minded SJW that she is while activating the warp pad.
Just then Garnet walked into the house with Steven.
"Hey guys where were you?" Amethyst asked.
"Oh Garnet and I were at the park catching fire-flies in jars!" Steven said all happy.
"Oh, because Pearl went looking for you at Connie's house, saying that she needed to protect your pee-pee from her!" Amethyst said as she downed another burrito, faster than the last.
Steve had a scared look on his face while Garnet just face-palmed.
*Maheswaren Residence*
Having finished dinner, Connie showered off, got into her PJ's and was using the upstairs toilet while reading a Christian Magazine about the importance of Abstinence before going to bed. Connie had to be careful since the bathroom floor had just been polished and was very slippery. Unbeknownst to Connie or her parents, Pearl used the warp pad to sneak into said house. Tip-toeing up the stairs, Pearl was right outside of the 2nd floor bathroom.
(Whispering to herself) "Looks like Connie's training is still rusty, I'll just give her another lesson." Pearl whispered as she got up and kicked the bathroom door wide open.
"A-HA! STAY AWAY FROM STEVEN'S…..WAAAAAAAAHH!" Pearl slipped forward. Her swords had just missed Connie as they each stabbed the wall behind the scared Teen. Due to the momentum, the floor being slippery and Pearl rushing head first, her head fell lower than Connie's torso and her Nose crash landed into Connie's landing strip, all A ClockWork Orange style.
Realizing her mistake, Pearl tried to right herself but kept slipping while saying in a muffled voice "Here let me help you out!" to which a horrified Connie mistook for "HERE LET ME EAT YOU OUT!"
Connie reacted by screaming at the top of her lungs while hitting Pearl in the head with the rolled up Abstinence Magazine over and over again.
Hearing the commotion, Connie's parents rushed in and saw the horrific scene in front of them which caused Connie's Mom to scream. Connie's Dad rushed over to Pearl, grabbed her away from Connie (the swords stayed stuck in the wall) and proceeded to beat the ever-loving-shit out of the supposed predatory Crystal Gem as Connie's Mom comforted her traumatized daughter. Needless to say, most of the BCPD (Beach City Police Department) was called in and arrested Pearl.
(Steven's home, after the trial)
Pearl is sitting in the living room with Amethyst, Garnet and Greg, they are glaring at her. She then said, "Look, I know I messed…"
"FUCKED!" Garnet corrected.
"Okay….I fucked up. But look, by becoming what these humans call a "sex-offender" I don't have to go to prison!" Pearl said.
"Pearl, by becoming a sex offender, you are barred from voting, owning a weapon (including blades) and your chances of landing a job are greatly reduced! Not to mention, society as a whole shun sex-offenders!" Garnet explained.
"Oh….shit." Pearl said.
"Every time I go into town; people are all "Hey you live with that sex offender Pearl!". Amethyst said all pissed.
"Also as part of the plea bargain, I had to fork over $50,000 to pay your bail, including compensation for psychological damages done to Connie! But the worst part, is how this affects Steven." Greg added.
Right on cue, Steven enters the home and tries to fight Pearl while Amethyst, Garnet and Greg hold him back.
"I FUCKING HATE YOU PEARL, FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY BROKEN, DEAD HEART!" Steven cried out.
"Steven…..look….." Pearl tried to explain.
"BECAUSE OF YOU, CONNIE'S PARENTS SENT HER BACK TO INDIA! SHE'S EVEN BETROTHED TO A DISTANT, TWICE-REMOVED, 2ND RELATIVE! PLUS, HER PARENTS BLAME ME FOR NOT BEING THERE TO PROTECT HER! WHEN I TRIED TO EXPLAIN, HER DAD SPAT AT ME WHILE HER MOM KICKED ME IN THE BALLS!" Steven explained through tears as his Dad hugged him.
"I was going to counter sue but the judge is clearly in the Maheswaren's favor, PEARL." Greg explained.
"Look, I know that I'll never be able to take back what I did, but Steven, there must be something I can do?" Pearl begged.
"Grow a penis w/ testicles." Steven said.
"Uhhhhhh Steven I…..(Steven just glares)…..OK, OK, OK…..(shapeshifts junk)…There, not sure how this (Steven kicks Pearl in the junk with all his strength) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGHHH!" Pearl cried out as she rolled up in fetal position on the ground in pain.
"NOW YOU KNOW A FRACTION OF MY PAIN!" Steven said as he stormed to his room to change.
The pain was so great that for some reason Pearl couldn't revert back to her normal genitals and as a result, was terrified of getting hurt downstairs.
Not even 20 minutes later, Steven walks downstairs w/ a shaved head, aviators, ripped leather jacket, black fingerless gloves, ripped jeans, black combat boots, a MAGA bandana and other tough guy stuff.
"Because you ruined my life, I'm going to live with Lapis and Peridot at the new Barn they constructed,we're going to play M-rated video games, watch Trump speeches and end each day with a BRAZZERS level threesome. And don't even bother visiting because I've already filed a restraining order that will be activated once I leave. And yes, I don't like Trump but if voting for him makes you miserable, then let him be president for life!" Steven said as he kicked Pearl in the junk again, causing her to fall on the ground in pain.
Just then Lapis (Peridot is holding onto her back) pulls up in a motorcycle with a boxcar. Steven gets in and puts on a Kaiser Helmet that also reads MAGA on the front as he gives Pearl two middle fingers as they drive off. Only to pull back up so Lapis and Peridot can have a shot at Pearl's Balls before leaving for good.
As Pearl was still in pain, Greg walks up and says "This is all your fault!" as he kicks her nuts.
Amethyst walks by and says "Thanks to you, I've lost my appetite!" as she also kicks Pearl's nuts.
Garnet unfuses into Sapphire and Ruby as they pummel Pearls balls with merciless intent before re-fusing back into Garnet as she summons a huge, gauntlet-like boot to kick Pearl's junk. The pain and shock was so great that Pearl passed out.
A/N: I'll have chapter 2 up sometime this week. Remember to treat others with respect and as always, PROTECT YOUR NUTS!