(DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the characters, places or anything else; they remain property of Nintendo and Intelligent Systems. This is a work of fanfiction and love: please don't sue me.)
Author's Note:
Okay, seeing as there's a lot more of this style of short, Self Insert based one-shot planned, for my own digital housekeeping and peace of mind I've put them all in one place. Including the original ending for the first Self Insert book, which is the first two chapters of this story. I hope you enjoy!
Just bear in mind that these stories ARE NOT CANON TO THE MAIN SELF INSERT STORY.
Read, review and Nagaspeed!
Settling for Mediocrity – Part 1
So, let's skip the scenes of the repetitive grinding, sobriety and general boredom I was involved in for the last two years, shall we? The most interesting thing that happened was the escalating prank-war with Lissa, so I'll give you the abridged version.
The first thing I did was write out the plot of Awakening and all the relevant, important information. Support conversation flags, the enemy spawn points I remembered from the harder levels, I wrote down everything. And then locked it in my desk, because I didn't need everyone thinking I was crazy. Crazier. Whatever.
I then threw myself into my work and training, insisting that Lon'qu work me until my hands bled. I was utter shite at first, because when you have terrible hand-eye-coordination everything is hard, but I got better slowly. When the first draftees showed up for the Ylissean Army training, I started running the drills with them, too. In fact, a lot of the Shepherds did. I did so mostly to help my own fitness levels, but also for unit cohesion. After the first six months we'd built up quite the rapport with the men. After the first year, I was pretty confident they'd follow me into hell if I ordered them to. Plus, the end result was the flat stomach I'd always dreamed of but been too distracted by fast food and cake to achieve!
There were all the weddings and shit, too. I wound up being best man at Chrom's, and Vaike's, too, for some weird reason. As for my personal relationships, well… I distanced myself from Cordelia a little, and tried and failed to do the same with Tharja. Panne had eventually returned, too, but acted as if nothing had happened between us, which given my current state I was pretty okay with. Maribelle up and went back to Themis. She came up with some bull-shit excuse, but I knew why. It was simple; I'd been a jackass. Drinking was no excuse for my behavior. She tried to see me a few times before she left, but I gave Elle strict instructions to turn aside anyone except Chrom, Frederick or Lon'qu, so she left without seeing me again. Which was for the best, in the end. In hindsight, I hadn't shared the same feelings that she had for me, even if they were born out of a desire to increase her social standing. Stringing her along and being too weak to make my actual feelings known had been crueler than she deserved, that was for sure. Apparently she married Stahl about a year later. He invited me to the wedding, but I made sure I was running drills in the forest with the army regiments that week. It would have just been awkward, anyway.
We'd constructed a nice little armada of Ylissean warships in secret, too, on an island to the south of Ylisse. The flagship, a heavy corvette I'd christened Asuna (because apparently I was never going to see how season two ended) and then had to spend a month trying to talk Chrom out of naming baby-Cynthia the same, was a beautiful ship. Or so they assured me; the boats all looked the damn same to me. It was a small fleet, only ten ships, but ten sturdy warships was better than the zero we were supposed to have. And let's face facts, putting ten ships together in two years given their current technological level was pretty impressive in my mind. Apparently we'd still have to ask Validar for help with troop transports, anyway. Which worked for me, because I really wanted to see the look on his face when I showed up instead of his son.
I really, really wanted to see how that particular plot point played out.
Lucina and Laurent kept busy, too, running whatever errands I could throw at them to fuck with the timeline a little more. They went around, basically assassinating mercenaries and bandits that were bosses later, as well as helping Plegian refugees get over the border so there were less souls to feed Grima when the giant reptilian douche was awakened. So far my efforts were going largely unnoticed, but I wasn't about to push my luck and tip my hand to Validar this early in the game.
So I'd sent them looking for Emmeryn, she of the Spot-Pass. I had a few other units of woodsmen and scouts doing odd-jobs for me, scouting out the locations that the other time-travelers arrived in and the like, but this one was one that I trusted only Lucina to do. It took them long enough, too.
Eventually, nearly two years to the day since we'd defeated Gangrel, I glanced up from my desk in the army's barracks outside Ylisstol as the door opened. I'd set myself up there not long after the boys had arrived, citing unit cohesion again, even if I still ate and slept at the Palace with Chrom and the others.
"Welcome back," I said, perking up instantly.
Two hooded figures and one wearing a pointed mages hat stepped into my office, Lucina drawing the hood off of her long cobalt hair as a stubble-coated Laurent removed his hat. My momentary excitement was pretty much ground out when the third figure removed the hood off of her striking crimson hair, tied up in twintails.
"So I see you didn't find Emmeryn, huh?" I sighed, deflating in my chair.
Lucina shook her head, sighing as well. Apparently there was only so much screwing with the timeline I could do, in the end. It was disappointing, but I would deal with it. I had still gotten an extra body, plus I was about to get seven more, too. So I could wait.
It would have been interesting, though, getting Emmeryn so early. Especially given that she would be a promoted-level unit, while I'm pretty sure that none of the others were at that stage yet. Plus, ya know, it'd be nice for Chrom and Lissa to have their sister back, I guess. I felt like kind of a douche for thinking about it strictly strategically there for a second.
"Ben, we all watched her die. There was no way she survived that fall."
"Yet you still went looking," I pointed out, smirking. "Tell you what. If we don't find Emmeryn, alive and well, before we deal with Grima, I'll eat your sword."
"And if we do?" Lucina asked, eyes narrowing.
"You give me a ten second frencher, tongue and all," I said with a lecherous wink.
Laurent snorted and looked away, trying to stifle his laughter as Lucina sighed and shook her head, holding one gloved hand to her brow in irritation.
Yeah, just because I'd been busy for two years didn't mean my personality had changed that much.
"To think I actually looked forward to seeing you again…" she muttered.
The third member of their party, silently looking back and forth between Lucina and Laurent to try and figure out what I was talking about clearly got sick of waiting, scoffed and sunk to a hip as she glared at me.
"Oh, I'm sorry, where are my manners?" I said, standing to introduce myself.
Lucina beat me to the punch, though, throwing out a snide comment that actually made me strangely proud before I could speak again.
"You had manners?" she scoffed, smirking at me.
"Ooh, sick burn Princess," I chuckled. "Missed you, too."
"Anyway," I said, turning to the redhead and holding out my hand. "My name is Ben, I'm the tactician, and until we head to Valm you will be working with these two directly under me."
"Severa," she introduced herself, cautiously taking my hand.
"Happy to have you aboard," I nodded, shaking her hand. "Have you thought of an alias yet? You'll need one until Lucina blows your cover."
"I most certainly will not 'blow our cover'!" the Princess snapped at me.
"Suuuure you won't," I said condescendingly. "It'll happen right before we go to Valm. Want to make another bet about it?"
"Very well," the Princess said with a cruel smirk. "If I do not blow the cover before we set foot on the boats as you insist we will, you must spend the entire trip across the sea in your smallclothes. If I indeed blow our cover before we embark for Valm I will give you a twenty second 'frencher'."
"So it's win-win for you, huh?" I laughed. "Fine. Deal. Avoid garlic for the next few weeks-"
"Gawds!" Severa exploded, actually stomping her foot. "If you two are just about done flirting I'd like to get on with things! We've been travelling for weeks and I need a bath!"
I could already tell she was going to be a headache. Tsunderes were cute in anime and games, not so much in reality. Lucina actually went bright red at this exchange, and Laurent burst out laughing so hard his glasses slipped off his nose.
"Alright, alright ya walking tsundere-trope," I sighed. "Back on topic. You'll need an alias. Got any ideas? You know, I don't care. It's only for a few more weeks, so in that time your name is Luna. Capeesh?"
"L-Luna?" Severa asked, her brow furrowing.
"It means 'moon' in a dead language in my homeland," I explained. "It's considered one of the most beautiful words there are back home, so I hope you appreciate it."
"W-well, yeah, of course someone as beautiful as me deserves a beautiful alias," Severa said, switching to dere-mode as a slight pinkish tint rose to her cheeks.
"Uh-huh," I nodded, turning back to my chair. "Oh, one more thing. Who's your dad?"
To my knowledge, Cordelia had done pretty much the same as me in the last two years and thrown herself at rebuilding the Pegasus Knights with Sumia. So she hadn't gotten close to anyone, meaning I didn't know who to get her close to.
Severa frowned again, shifting uncomfortably.
"There are anomalies with our memories in that regard," Laurent reported dryly. "Much the same as our memories of you."
"Yeah, I'm the wrench in the works alright," I sighed, pulling the signet ring off my finger and holding it up. "Okay. Go rest up. Lucina, Laurent, get her set up at the inn with you guys. On me. If you want, you can go and use the royal bathhouse, too. Show her the ring and Elle will tee it up. Just be done before evening and bring me back the stupid ring."
"That won't be necess-" Lucina started, never finishing her statement.
Severa darted forward, snatching the ring out of my hand and holding it close to her chest with a hungry expression on her face.
"The royal bathhouse!? Seriously!?" she exclaimed.
"Yeah, enjoy it while you can," I chuckled. "Now go. I still have work to do."
Lucina and Laurent exchanged a glance at their friend's behavior. Laurent grinned and shrugged, leaving Lucina to sigh.
"Very well," she conceded. "We will report to you after dinner."
I grunted in response, already back at my paperwork and shooing them out the door with a wave of my hand. As they left I had to laugh, Lucina lamely muttering to herself as she shut the door.
"We do not… 'flirt'," she grumbled.
"Oh, hey Princess!" I called after them.
The trio stopped, looking back at me with varying levels of hostility.
"Just thought you'd want to know, your sister was born last month and now both of you have officially puked on me."
The look on Lucina's face promised murder, and I genuinely couldn't tell if it was red out of embarrassment or pure rage. Probably a little of both. Laurent and Severa both laughed, though, so I took it as a win.
That evening, after 'Luna' had been safely set up at the same inn as the other two and my work with the army was done I made the usual return trek to the palace for dinner. Again, as usual, Elle was waiting at the bottom of the stairs patiently for me, her hands clasped neatly in front of her and her posture perfect as she stood in the shade. When she spotted me a small smile rose to her face and she gave a small curtsey as I approached.
"Good evening, milord," she said. "Dinner is ready. Shall I have it brought to your room?"
"No, I'm getting sick of eating in my room like a hermit. I'll eat in the upstairs dining room if no one's using it."
"Of course, milord," Elle said. "I'll make the arrangements. Will Lady Tharja be joining you?"
"Most likely," I sighed, my head drooping a little as I began to climb the stairs.
By this point I'd given up. Tharja was like a dog that's gotten a taste for sleeping on the sofa. There is no way in hell you'd ever train her to sleep on the floor again. She had her own job, courtesy of me, to do as much research and make as many nasty area-of-effect spells as she could for the war, but she still hovered around me at every chance. At least when Elle did it she wasn't being creepy about it, it was her job.
Unfortunately, to cut a long story short, I hadn't been able to shake Tharja's attention. In fact, in attempting to do so I'd made her worse…
When I eventually settled into a chair in the small, upstairs dining room Elle already had a plate of food set out for me, and Tharja was already waiting for me. It was late, so no doubt Chrom and Sumia had already eaten and were putting itty-bitty-Lucina-and-Cynthia-babies to bed, so I'd stick my head in and say hello to them once I was finished.
I sighed, looking forlornly at the plate of roasted meat and vegetables in front of me. After two years I was getting well and truly sick of meat and veg. I wanted rice. I wanted sushi! I wanted fucking sashimi for all I cared, I just wanted something different!
"Does something displease you, milord?" Elle asked attentively, hovering by my shoulder.
I didn't miss the low, territorial growl Tharja gave, either.
"No, just pining for a little variety," I sighed, beginning to eat.
We continued in silence, me robotically shoveling the same crap I ate every day into my mouth and staring into space, Elle hovering silently and waiting for us to finish, Tharja staring at me with undisguised longing. Or lust. Or… God, I had no idea what was going on in her head. It was just easier not to make eye-contact sometimes.
As I finished I let out a sigh, pushing the half-eaten plate aside and laying my head down on the tabletop. I was fucking beat. It was hard enough sleeping at the best of times for me, and being so exhausted I dropped from training just meant I passed out. I'm sure I'm not the only one in the world that sleeps but doesn't rest. Across from me I heard the sound of Tharja setting her cutlery down.
"Are you still not sleeping well?" she asked, no doubt frowning in concern.
I muttered an incoherent string of syllables into the tabletop, hoping it sounded like an affirmative. There was a soft, warm sensation on the back of my head as Tharja put a comforting hand on it, rubbing a little.
"Is it the dreams again?" she asked. "Shall I prepare another herbal mixture tonight?"
I sat up, groaning a little and rolling out my shoulders.
"I have a better idea," I said with a tired grin. "Why don't you prepare the other herbal mixture? Along with a stamina draught and an aphrodisiac. Benny needs to work out some aggression."
"Oh?" Tharja asked, smiling demurely. "Aggression, eh? How much more aggressive could you possibly get?"
And that, right there, was the crux of our relationship. As soon as I'd found out that they did, indeed, have a form of working contraception here, in the guise of some herbal shit a woman could drink to act like birth control pills, I'd decided 'fuck it' and… well. Use your imaginations. I'd made sure she knew from the get-go that it was a purely physical, shallow relationship, though. She'd said it was enough for her, though. What can I say? I'm weak. There's no point in hiding that now. Did it make me feel guilty using her devotion to me like this? Only the first few times. Did I still think I was going to hell? Oh, you bet your ass.
After all, we were all going to die. I just intended to deserve it.
I gave her another promising grin before turning to a heavily-bushing Elle and holding out a piece of paper to her.
"Thundercat, prepare my quarters and get me all the stuff on this list. Within half an hour."
She nodded woodenly, accepting the paper and looking it over. The uncomfortable look on her face increased, becoming one of shock, too.
"Er… ropes and… a riding crop, milord?" she asked hesitantly. "A-and the… 'special red candles from Miriel'? D-do I want to know?"
Tharja shuddered expectantly across from me, a look of excitement on her face.
"Half an hour, Thundercat," I repeated, my grin never dropping.
It had been worth installing those hooks in the ceiling after all, apparently.
Later that evening I stepped back, wiping the sweat from my brow with the back of my hand and glancing over my shoulder in annoyance.
Someone was knocking on my door.
It was really bad timing.
We hadn't gotten to the best part yet, but we were getting close.
I considered ignoring it, but I knew that knock. It was Chrom, and he only ever bugged me at night when it was important.
I sighed, placing the riding crop and low-burning candle I'd had Miriel develop for me down and turned, doing my best to ignore the heavy panting and occasional moan from behind me as I pulled a pair of jeans on and shuffled towards the door.
"Wait right there, I'll be right back," I said over my shoulder to a disappointed moan.
"Aw, don't be like that. If you're a good girl and wait quietly, I'll give you a reward."
I stopped just inside the door, glancing down at the very-obvious boner in my pants before letting out a frustrated sigh. I bounced up and down a little, purposely lifting my knees as high as I could and wheeling my arms a little to encourage blood flow to route elsewhere. Satisfied once it wasn't as obvious what we'd been just about to do I opened the heavy wooden door, seeing Chrom standing there and smiling as I expected. I tried to be quick, but apparently he'd caught sight of what, or rather who, was hanging from my ceiling blindfolded before I could close the door, judging from the look of shock and horror on his face when I turned to him again.
"Just when I thought your depravity could no longer surprise me," he said, somewhat in awe.
"Okay, so clearly I'm busy. What's up?" I asked, crossing my arms across my bare chest.
"The ships are officially done with their shakedown voyages," he said, beginning to blush a little. "You, uh, said you wanted to know when they were. So I… I came to tell you."
I ignored the desperate little moan that escaped from my room.
"Great," I said, clapping my hands together happily. "That's fucking perfect! Now, we've finished training the mariners, right?"
Chrom blinked, looking up from my door to nod.
"I-er-yes!" he nodded quickly. "But only about half of them have any combat experience. Will they really be okay?"
I nodded, leaning back against the door.
"Of course. The whole point of the training regime Ricken and I devised was to teach soldiers obedience and calmness under fire. As long as their superiors keep a level head they'll be fine. And half the time we'll be their superiors on the field. So. We'll be fine."
Tharja called my name from inside the room, the sultriness and heat in her voice sending a shiver up my spine, but I hid it and continued to grin at Chrom. This was clearly making him really, really uncomfortable, and that was fucking hilarious.
"And the Captains are all happy with the ships?" I continued as if nothing was amiss.
"Er, some small changes that Ricken can handle facilitating and… uh…" Chrom fidgeted, before it clearly became too much for him. "What in Naga's name are you two doing in there?"
"Nothing much," I shrugged, grinning madly. "Curious?"
"More like concerned for both of your welfare," Chrom said, shaking his head a little.
"Hey, there's nothing wrong with a little hard-play between two consenting adults," I laughed. "If you'd like I can give you some tips? Maybe help you and the missus make a third heir?"
"I can…" Chrom started angrily before trailing off.
He glanced at the door again, chewing his lip indecisively and clearly imagining his wife in a similar position before finally sighing and shaking his head.
"Oh well, your loss," I shrugged. "Are we done? I'm actually kind of curious as to why you came to give me this information yourself."
"We have not spent much time together since the victory party," Chrom explained. "I thought… uh… well, I didn't mean to interrupt anything…"
I laughed, shaking my head this time.
"Relax," I told him. "We'll all get to spend plenty of time together again real soon."
"Ah, yes," Chrom nodded, grinning. "When 'Valm invades Port Ferox'."
"Hey, don't say it like I'm crazy," I frowned. "And I still expect you to make good on my castle when I'm right."
"Right, well, I'll take your word for it and let you… get back to it," Chrom said, nodding. "I didn't mean to… uh… keep you."
I chuckled, grinning again.
"Don't worry. Sometimes the waiting can be better than the actual deed itself," I told him.
"Oh gods, Ben…" Chrom groaned, holding a hand to his brow. "Forget it… It's too late for this kind of… Good night. Don't hurt yourselves."
"I make no promises!" I declared after him.
I watched Chrom leave before rolling out my neck and grinning again as I stepped back into the dimly lit room.
"Now. Somebody didn't stay quiet like I asked," I said, a mock disappointed tone in my voice. "I guess that means I have to punish you now."
The look of pure anticipation and excitement on Tharja's face as she craned to try and see over her shoulder, despite the blindfold, alone was enough to get me back to half-mast in an instant. It had been a long week, I thought to myself as I picked the riding crop back up. It was time to work out that frustration. In a totally healthy manner.
We had to enjoy ourselves while we could, after all. Once Valm invaded and we hit the road again we wouldn't be able to do stuff like this.
A few weeks later Cherche showed up, warning us that Valm invaded just like I predicted they would, and I scored myself a castle. It was more like a fort, really, but Chrom had made good on his word. Lucina had seemed a little pale when my prediction came true, clearly recalling the other ones I'd made.
Rather than go to Port Ferox personally, though, I'd used it as a chance to field-test my new and improved Ylissean army. The results had been better than perfect. Next to zero losses, no collateral damage to the town, and the Valmese routed in less than a day. And the commander had captured a number of Valmese warships we'd offered to Basilio. So while my boys were busy repairing the damage to the town that the Valmese had caused and preparing a staging area for us just outside of it the Shepherds had gone to Plegia to talk to King Validar and get his ships.
Which was where I was now, wearing a dark blue-almost black coat over my regular black vest. I had the hood drawn up as we walked through the fort on Carrion Isle, my head low. I wanted to see the surprise on that mother-fucker's face when it turned out I wasn't Robin.
I was waiting patiently, grinning under my hood while Chrom and Frederick did the whole spiel with Validar and Aversa. She kept shooting me funny looks; I guess the beard was throwing her off, considering it was the only part of my face visible right now. I glanced up a little when Frederick's grumpy tone cut through my thoughts, filling me with anticipation.
"Good hierophant, I would ask you to lower your cowl. In Ylisse, it is a courtesy expected of one in the presence of royalty."
"You are a long way from Ylisse, sir," the Hierophant said. "But very well…"
He drew his hood back, grinning expectantly. Yup, older default version of Robin, grinning like a bastard along with Validar and Aversa. Their grins diminished a little, though, when none of the Ylisseans present reacted.
"I suppose I should do the same then, too, shouldn't I?" I suggested, stepping forward and drawing back my own hood. "It's a pleasure to meet you, good Hierophant."
It took all of my willpower to maintain a straight face. I was subtly digging my nails into my palm to not laugh, and I think that's the only thing that saved me. Validar looked lost for a moment, before he frowned. Aversa's brows just shot up before she started looking between me and the Hierophant. His reaction was the best, though. Complete and utter shock.
"Who are you!?" he practically shouted.
"Ylissean Lord of Tactics," I said, offering him my hand with a cheery smile. "Name's Ben! I look forward to our two countries coming together as one against this Valmese menace!"
He looked at my hand for a moment before glancing back at a similarly confused-seeming Validar.
"So… you are the Ylissean tactician?" the Hierophant asked, slowly taking my hand.
"Yup!" I said, still smiling as I energetically pumped our hands up and down. "And I gotta say, the last King really made my life difficult! I'm hoping you guys are a little more reasonable!"
"Ben, mind your manners," Chrom instructed, a grin of his own appearing.
"Sorry, sorry," I laughed, stepping back. "It's just that I'm so excited to finally meet our allies. But we'd best be on our way, right? Lot's to do, a world to save and all that jazz, right?"
Chrom nodded his agreement, and we excused ourselves from the confused Plegians. As we left I gave Aversa one last grin and a wink, and she seemed utterly lost at how to take it.
I guess I have a thing for the dark and mysterious magey type.
The rest of the day proceeded exactly the way it was scripted to, minus Validar appearing before me and trying to hypnotize me or whatever he does to Robin. The Risen had arrived, we recruited Henry, and now I was sitting on a rock watching Lucina reveal her true identity to Chrom while Sumia shredded some poor flowers a few feet away from me.
When they started hugging Sumia let out an anguished groan and I rolled my eyes as her flower-murder increased in speed to a fevered pitch.
She stopped suddenly, turning to me with a determined look on her features.
"Oh this won't end well…" I muttered as she stomped over.
"I need you to make me a better… a better…" she started, blushing heavily and trailing off.
"Oh god, Sumia," I sighed. "Out with it already."
"I need you to make me a better lover!" she declared, tears in the corners of her eyes. "I-I don't want to lose Chrom, and you seem to know a lot about s… s…"
"Sex?"
Her blush deepened as she nodded quickly.
"No," I said. "Anything I have to teach, I teach by example, and you're totally persona non-nookified to me. It'd be like fucking Chrom. So no. I can give you pointers?"
She nodded, her blush increasing still.
"Take the lead," I offered, looking at where Chrom and Lucina were wrapping their little conversation up now. "Every man likes to be dominated every now and then. Also, try to be more adventurous. Take it up the butt, do it outdoors, have a three-way with one of your maids. Something Chrom would never expect."
I looked back at where Sumia was swaying, her face bright red now. Clearly this was all a little too much for the dainty little flower.
"Or, try wearing some sexy underwear to start with," I sighed. "I'm sure that'll excite Chrom, too."
Deciding to wrap this up I called out to the two blue-haired royals in the distance. Any more and I think Sumia might get a nose-bleed and pass out. She went right back to her flowers when I stepped away, tearing at them like a freaking wood-chipper in human form.
"Yo, Chrom!" I shouted. "Get yer ass over her! You too, Princess! We gots shit to talk about!"
They both turned, Chrom wilting a little when he spotted Sumia and Lucina taking on a familiar scowl at my tone.
"Er… Ben," Chrom said as they approached. "What is-"
Lucina beat him to the punch, slugging me in the shoulder.
"Why would you kill the moment like that!?" she practically snarled at me.
I shrugged, rubbing my arm as I indicated the rapidly-breaking-down Sumia just behind me.
"He loves me… he loves me not… he loves me… he loves me not…"
"I think that may need a little fixing before she starts treating people like those flowers," I suggested. "And don't hit me again. You know it gets me off, and I don't need to pitch a pant-tent in front of Chrom. Again."
"By Naga I swear I will kill you one day," Lucina growled, turning from me.
Chrom looked a little lost at our exchange, but I shrugged again and gave him my winning smile as I indicated towards his wife.
"Er… Sumia? Dear?" he started tentatively.
The conversation basically went the way it was scripted to after that, there were some lovely family moments afterwards which I felt a little weird for intruding on, and by the time we ended up walking back to the camp the sun had completely risen. Chrom hung back a little as Sumia and Lucina walked side by side, talking and getting to know each other as if they had never been apart.
"So," Chrom began, facing straight ahead. "I had a thought. This means that Lucina has been working with you for the last two years. Did you know who she was? Even back then?"
"Yeah, of course," I scoffed. "Genius, remember?"
Chrom nodded, before turning and punching me in the face. Clearly daddy had been paying attention to the way I had been treating Marth…
"That's my daughter, you son of a bitch!" he thundered.
Sumia and Lucina both looked back with shocked expressions, but Lucina's quickly turned to one of satisfaction. Like, euphoric satisfaction. Like, watching her dad stand over me, clearly restraining himself from kicking the shit out of me, was totally getting her off.
"Ow, hey, dude!" I shouted, jumping back to my feet. "It was all in good fun!"
Chrom laid me flat again. I decided to stay down this time. He had fists like hams.
"Would it help if I promised to behave around this timeline's Lucina?" I asked woozily from the ground.
"You are damn straight you will!" Chrom thundered, turning and stomping off.
Leaving me, dancing back and forth between consciousness and unconsciousness, to think to myself 'god damn that man has a solid right hook'.
"Relax, he'll come around," Lissa chuckled. "He really does care about you, so I don't think he'll kick you out. Plus, you are really important now."
I groaned as she held her healing staff to my face. Turns out Chrom had broken my jaw. I kinda deserved it, being a douche to Lucina for the last two years, but it still hurt.
"Fucker punches like a freight-train," I slurred.
"Yeah, well, I've only been around for a few weeks, but if that's how you've been treating her for the last two years I'd want to hit you, too," Severa huffed.
"I don't hear Laurent complaining!" I said defensively.
"Laurent barely speaks!" Severa snapped.
I sighed. I was in the mostly-deserted mess tent now, Lissa giggling as she healed my broken jaw and Severa sitting on one of the tables, watching. Laurent had been there reading until moments ago when Vaike had shown up and dragged him off. Clearly word of who 'Isaac' actually was had gotten out.
"Fine, whatever, I'm a dick," I sighed.
I moved my jaw a little, testing it as Lissa stepped back. It still hurt, but lingering pain was always a side-effect of healing magic, so I assumed it was fine.
"Thank you, Lissa," I said. "Why don't you go and get to know your niece?"
A big smile broke out on her face as she nodded and ran out of the tent, clearly eager to get to know the real Lucina now. Leaving me all alone with Severa.
"I suppose we'd best go around and pick up all the rest of your little friends, huh?" I sighed, sagging in my seat.
It had been a long night, and now I was feeling it. I mean, sure, all the training had vastly improved my stamina and reduced my asthma to basically naught, but I still got sleepy.
I glanced up when Severa didn't answer. She was looking down, a stormy expression on her face.
"Your mother is on guard-duty," I sighed again. "Otherwise she'd be over her hugging the shit out of you. Don't get all mopey on me now, Red."
"Shut up! What would you know!?" she shouted.
I quirked a brow at her, and she let out a breath.
"… I'm sorry," she mumbled.
"And I'm going to go and relieve your mother," I said, standing. "So sit right here so she knows where to find you."
"Wait, what?" Severa asked, looking up at me in confusion.
"I meant what I said," I shrugged. "Let her hug the life out of someone else for a change."
"W-wait!" Severa said as I went to leave.
I turned, quirking a brow again as she stared at me. There was a brief moment of silence as she looked intently at my face before shaking her head.
"Forget it," she muttered. "I almost had something there but… don't remember."
"Don't force it," I said lazily. "You'll just hurt yourself. Now, if I were you, I'd be looking for a chestplate to wear, because your mom won't take hers off before the hugging starts, believe me."
A few hours later I yawned as I stared out over the Plegian countryside. Chrom had decided, in all his princely authority, that we were going to move out sometime this afternoon so that people could get some rest after the previous evening's fight. Of course, true to my word, I'd relieved Cordelia, who had rushed off to meet her future daughter. Unfortunately, though, she had only just started her shift on guard duty. And mine had followed right after.
"God I'm tired," I muttered to myself, dragging my feet as I patrolled the camp.
I was attempting to plan for the next stage of things; it would take time to move the ships to Port Ferox, and I was bringing a fuck-off-huge army with me to Valm, so they'd need time to prepare for that, too. Meaning we were free to go ahead and recruit all the others on this continent.
Hell, I'd already had my boys scout out the locations. I knew where they were going to be. Now we just had to be there. I'd take a small group and go along the north, collecting Morgan, Kjelle, Nah and Noire. I'd leave the rest to Chrom. Yarne and Cynthia were in the south somewhere; if he went by horseback he could probably be back in about a month.
"Hey, Ben," Donnel said, coming out of the mess tent. "Frederick says fer me ta replace ya on guard duty. Why don'tcha go an get some shut-eye?"
"That is the best dang idea I've heard all mornin'," I said, copying his accent.
I beat feet, hoping to avoid getting punched a third time that morning for pissing someone off, and beelined for my tent. As nice as this coat was, it was heavy and I needed sleep. And god help Tharja if she was waiting for me. I'd see to it she didn't walk right for a week this time… With my cock, of course. It was times like these I really started to miss Elle, though. Just the thought that there wouldn't be breakfast or even anything to drink waiting for me was oddly depressing. The damn maid had spoiled me now.
I stepped into my tent, shrugging off my coat with a relieved sigh. I gave another, disappointed sigh when I realized that Tharja wasn't in fact waiting for me, and tossed the coat over my chair. I had to do a double-take, though, when I spotted the bowl of oats on my desk.
"I had thought you would be hungry."
"Kyaaa!" I squeaked, spinning.
Seeing Lucina standing there, eyebrow quirked, made me rethink my girlish scream.
"I mean, 'argh!' I mean… fuck it. Thanks for breakfast. What do you want?"
Lucina looked down, not meeting my gaze.
"Ah," I said, grinning knowingly.
"'Ah', what?" she snapped.
"I know why you're here," I chuckled, my grin growing.
"Y-you do?" she asked.
"Say it."
"Say what?"
"Say I was right."
"What!? About what?"
I chuckled again at the obstinate princess, shaking my head.
"Say I was right about you giving your identities away," I explained.
Lucina flinched, looking away from me again.
"Aw, it's not that hard," I laughed. "Here, I'll even help you out! Just repeat after me: 'Ben, you were right. You are always right. I should just accept the fact that you are always right'. Now you try it."
"You are making this harder than it needs to be," Lucina growled, her face beginning to go red.
"Well, just say it and-"
She crossed the space in the blink of an eye and reached up before I could react, yanking my face down to hers and reminding me that there had, indeed, been something mentioned jokingly about a twenty-second frencher. It also made me wonder, as Lucina's tongue invaded my mouth with all the subtlety of a charging horse, where she had learned to kiss? Or even learned what a 'frencher' was, for that matter.
As far as kissing went, though, she wasn't that good. Probably a lack of experience. So, deciding to make the most of the ten or so seconds I had remaining of this I took the lead, massaging her tongue with my own. She let out a muffled sound of surprise that faded into a soft moan as I pushed deeper, holding her up as she swayed a little, still never opening her eyes as-
"Lucina, are you in here? Why did you want to meet in- OH YOU SON OF A BITCH!"
I jumped back from Lucina, just in time to see Chrom's big meaty fist flying straight at my face. My nose broke and I fell flat on my ass, stars dancing around my vision as Lucina tried to calm her father down.
Sheesh, her father for less than a day and already beating the shit out of the boys. I felt bad for all the young male suitors of Ylisse.
"Keep your hands off my daughter!" Chrom roared, spinning and finally stomping out of the tent.
I groaned, falling backwards to lay on the floor. Lucina stood there for a moment before chuckling and leaning over me.
"That was a little longer than twenty seconds," she said with a grin.
"You bitch, you planned this," I gurgled. "And you know what? I respect that. Now go find your aunt and tell her that her brother needs anger management classes. And help me set my nose. I don't need to look like I got hit in the face with a shovel for the rest of my life; I'm already ugly enough."
With a weak groan I fell onto my back, resting against the cool rocks of the mountain path we were on. Just over the next rise was our destination, the castle in the mountains. There was only one more person to recruit now, and that was Robin's daughter Morgan. Judging from the fact he still existed in this world I was assuming Morgan was still his daughter, anyway.
The others all took their cues, falling from their feet just like I had. Remember, at this point I'd been cardio and stamina training with my regiments for nearly two years. So if I was exhausted, I'm surprised the others could still move. Especially Noire; poor kid was like a sack of bones. The European ancestry in me urged me to feed her. I would make her healthy.
I had set out from Port Ferox with Lucina, Severa, Lon'qu and Tharja. We'd already picked up Nah, Noire and Kjelle, rounding our group out to eight, including me.
After a few minutes my pulse had slowed, and my breathing was back under control. With a groan I pulled myself back to my feet.
"Alright, break for lunch," I ordered. "None of you can fight in this condition, anyway."
"I could still kick your butt!" Kjelle groaned, sitting up.
"Yeah, yeah, tone it down GI Jane. Eat some lunch first."
I ended up plonking down next to Severa, who passed me the food bag. Hard cheese, hard bread and cured meat was our meal. I was so. Damn. Sick. Of European style food. I may have been spoiled for choice back home, though… With a sigh I passed the bag off to Nah, who looked forlornly at it.
"Here," I sighed, handing her my share of bread and cheese. "I'm not that hungry."
The young manakete's face lit up with a broad smile as she took her own share and my offerings, passing the bag along to Noire. I remembered that, canonically, she was always hungry and in the future she'd never gotten enough to eat. I'd had a few months like that myself a few years before I'd found my way to Ylisse, but the thought of having to do it my whole life made me want to feed the kid. And hug her. Poor thing…
"Well, that was almost nice," Severa pointed out with a smirk. "If I didn't know better I'd say you have a soul under all that hair."
"Har. Har." I muttered.
"It was very nice!" Nah said around a mouthful of bread. "Thank you very much, Mister Ben!"
"Don't talk with your mouth full, kid, you'll choke," I warned, taking a big bite of my jerky.
Severa huffed, pouting and looking away.
With another sigh I held out my half-eaten jerky to her.
"Here, fuck," I groaned. "All you had to do was ask."
"Ew! Gods, no, keep that away from me! That's been in your mouth!"
"So?" I laughed. "So has L-"
Before I could finish telling her 'so has Lucina' I felt a chill run down my spine. The Princess was glaring at me, tapping her fingers against Falchion's pommel as she slowly, deliberately chewed her lunch.
"Er… never mind," I mumbled, taking another bite of my jerky.
It was not worth losing my life over a crappy joke.
Severa huffed again, finishing her meal in silence. I couldn't help but wonder as we ate at what her deal was lately. She was acting all clingy, in a super tsundere way, and it was getting on my nerves.
"Big place," I breathed as we walked into the castle's interior.
Lucina and Severa flanked me as we stepped into the area that would be our battleground. The water and bridges were a dead giveaway. So were the Risen. The usual horde shambled around in front of us, nothing anyone here wasn't used to. They caught sight of us and began to shuffle towards our little group.
"You are certain Morgan will be here?" Lucina asked curiously.
"You know I'm never wrong," I said, waggling my eyebrows suggestively. "Wanna make another bet?"
"I will stab you," Lucina warned, turning away from me.
Well, it was less of a warning and more of a statement, but the effect was the same. My attention shifted from pissing off Lucina without her father around to beat my sorry ass when Severa let out a strange groan, holding her head and swaying a little.
"Hey, whoa," I said, reaching out to steady her. "You okay? Red, talk to me."
"I-I'm fine," she said, shaking me off.
"What the hell was that?" I asked.
"Just a headspin," Severa assured me. "It was nothing. I can still fight."
"Sure, from the back," I said. "Swap with Lon'qu and don't push your-"
"No!" Severa shouted suddenly. "I won't! You aren't going to leave me behind again! You always leave me behind!"
"What the fuck are you talking about?" I asked.
Before she could answer Lucina gave a warning shout. Apparently Severa's shouting had gotten the Risen horde's attention and they were rushing us. I grabbed Severa by the collar, hauling her shocked face closer to my own.
"You leave my side and I'll kill you myself," I warned her before I released her. "Let's go."
We breezed through the Risen pretty easily, if I do say so myself. With Lucina and Severa's swords on both sides and my own trench knives in the center we made an unpassable line that the Risen broke against, leaving the others to bring up the rear. Once we reached the fork in the bridges we stopped.
"Lucina, take everyone and make for the end of the chamber," I instructed. "Kill the Chieftain. Severa and I'll catch up."
"What?" Severa exclaimed angrily. "I said I was fine! I don't need to-"
Whatever excuse she was going to give was cut off by a small explosion, followed by two more as magic fire spells erupted among the Risen at our three-o'clock.
"That's where we're going," I said, pointing. "Lucina, don't fuck up. C'mon, Red. We got a tactician to save."
I didn't wait to see if the others followed my orders; Lucina was an experienced commander, far more so than I ever would be. I trusted her to take the Chieftain down while Severa and I rescued Morgan. The redhead followed me as I marched towards the eastern end of the chamber, where the lone figure in a black coat was still throwing spells around and hacking at whatever got too close with a sword. She had her hood up, too, which meant I couldn't tell who her mother was from her hair color, but we'd know soon enough.
With a roar I started to run, Severa hurrying to keep pace as we tore through the Risen crowding the young tactician. I was starting to think that we were a little over-leveled thanks to the training regime for the army guys, given how easy all of this was these days, but it wasn't exactly something to complain about. In less than ten minutes Severa and I were standing with Morgan, who was currently hunched over and holding herself up on her knees as she tried to catch her breath. Severa and I were hardly even breathing hard.
"Whoo! Fuck yeah, that was awesome!" Morgan declared, straightening.
She stopped when she saw me, a grin rising to her face.
"Sup, Dad," she said nonchalantly. "What're you doing here?"
I quirked an eyebrow, stepping forward. It felt like someone had dropped a ton of bricks on my head. Like I was about to have an asthma attack again. Hell, I'll say it straight; being called 'dad' terrified the crap out of me.
"What was that?" I asked.
"Er… oh! Shit! I said the f-word! I'm so sorry!" Morgan said quickly, wilting.
She studied me for a moment before cocking her head.
"Sheesh, you look good, Dad. The air here must agree with you or something. You look ten years younger!"
"Don't care, back the fuck up," I said, my heart beating out of control. "Specifically to this whole 'dad' thing."
"What the hell're you talking about?" she laughed. "Why're you looking at me like that? Hello? It's me! Morgan! Your daughter? Love of your life and Daddy's little girl and all that jazz? Wow, you're really acting out of it today. Maybe you should go home and lie down or something. Uh, but which way is home? Is it— Ngh! M-my head!"
"God-fucking-dammit, focus!" I shouted, grabbing her by the shoulders.
Her hood fell away in my grip, revealing a head of crimson red hair. She looked up at me with steel-blue eyes, just like the ones I saw in the mirror every day.
"D-dad, what-"
"Okay, hold up a sec…" I said, releasing her and stepping back.
My head was spinning, but I forced it down, looking up at Severa to see how she was reacting to this. Morgan followed my gaze, and her face lit up in a smile again.
"Heya, sis! What's crackin'?"
Both mine and Severa's jaws dropped as we spun to goggle at the girl.
"What?" Morgan asked, shrinking back a little.
Severa turned to me, eyes wide.
"I-I… you… we…" she stammered before swallowing and taking a deep breath. "I remember now."
"Oh fuck…" I groaned.
"Dad…" Severa said, taking a step forward.
"No…" I groaned.
"Daddy!" Severa cried as she threw herself at me.
"Fuuuuuuuuuuck!" I shouted above her head.
That evening we decided to camp in the foyer of the abandoned castle. It didn't appear like there would be any more Risen reinforcements, but Lon'qu had insisted on posting guards to be safe, and I agreed.
I was sitting on a rock a small distance from the castle, two red-haired girls sitting in front of me.
Apparently, these two were my daughters.
"Okay," I breathed. "Let's get this straight. You're my daughter."
"Yup," Morgan chirped happily.
"And you're my daughter."
"Well, duh," Severa huffed. "I've only said as much ten times so far."
I groaned and ran a hand over the top of my head.
This. Was. Bullshit.
I didn't want to get married. I never wanted to get married! I'd never wanted kids!
"And just to check," I sighed. "Cordelia and I were married?"
"Happily," Morgan nodded.
I groaned again, resting my head in my hands.
"Well excuse us for living!" Severa suddenly shouted. "All of the others were so happy to see their kids! Even mother was ecstatic, crying and hugging me and everything! But you-"
"Stop," I said, holding up a forestalling hand. "This is a big, big deal to me. At this point in time, I've never even entertained the thought of having children, let alone being in another committed relationship. It's… a lot for me to handle right now. I need a moment."
"Take your time, we can wait," Morgan said, leaning back.
I shook my head, slapping my cheeks a few times for good measure. If they said they were my daughters, well then…
"Fuck it," I declared after a moment, standing. "I can sit around dwelling on it, but it's not gonna change anything. So, fuck it. Come here, give dad a hug."
"Yay!" Morgan cried, jumping up and into my arms.
"Sorry if I was an ass-hole earlier," I said.
Morgan snuggled into my chest, like a big, warm cat. It was a conflicting feeling. I mean, I knew I wasn't old enough to have a kid her age, but something about it felt… pretty good. The European parental instincts were being awakened within me. After a moment Morgan stepped back, grinning up at me. I smiled back, ruffling her hair, before turning my attention on my supposed oldest daughter.
"Don't touch me," Severa said half-heartedly.
"Or you'll what?" I asked.
"Seriously," Severa warned, taking a step back.
"Either you hug me, or I hug you," I warned, holding up my arms. "We can do it the easy way or the hard way, but this is only gonna end one way."
"No!" Severa insisted. "You were a real jerk before! I… I…"
With a sniffle she gave in, practically jumping at me again. Only this time I was mentally prepared to deal with it. Severa shuddered a little, giving a weak sob.
"Okay," I said, rubbing her back. "Okay, c'mon, it's okay."
"No it's not," she said in a thick voice. "You died! You and mother both… both died and left us alone!"
"I don't remember that," Morgan piped up.
"You don't remember anything," I reminded her.
She shrugged, grinning impishly.
"And as for dying," I continued. "We're all going to die eventually. But, I assure you, I'm working to ensure it doesn't happen to any of us for a long, long-ass time yet. So relax."
Severa nodded, gripping the front of my vest even tighter.
"You'd better not," she said, stepping away from me. "Or I'll kick your butt."
"Yay, sis is back to normal!" Morgan laughed, throwing herself at Severa and wrapping her sister in a big bear hug.
I couldn't help but marvel at the fact that I had apparently had a hand in raising these two. I mean, with Morgan it was pretty obvious, but…
"Oh gods, I can't believe I forgot you were a hugger," Severa groaned as she tried to pry Morgan off of her. "This is it. This is going to be my life now, isn't it?"
"This is going to be our lives now," I corrected her.
"What about mom?" Morgan asked innocently.
The smile fell right off my face.
"Oh fuck-balls," I groaned.
What about mom, indeed?
How the hell was I going to explain this one?
AN2019: Back in 2016 I 'retired' from fanfiction with this story. I was burned out, what can I say? I actually intended to retire with the next chapter, which I posted as a reverse April Fool's joke back in 2016, which is… wow, three years ago now.