No Joke

"Leo, if you don't get a handle on that damn sword . . . ." Raph began.

Mikey gasped. "You said a bad word."

"No I didn't," Raph said, flushing crimson.

"Yes you did," Leo said, his grin wide.

"Nope, I did not," Raph insisted.

"You heard him, right Donnie?" Mikey asked, turning to the genius.

Don was seated with his back to his brothers, typing away on his smart phone. Lifting a hand, he waved in their direction without looking at them.

"Not only did I hear it, I recorded it," Don said.

"Ha!" Leo yelped triumphantly. "Proof!"

"Don't change the subject," Raph said with a frown. "We were talking about you and your portal mistakes."

"I get it!" Mikey chirped, jumping up and down in front of his older brother. "Handle, sword. Good one, Raph!"

"I wasn't making a joke!" Raph shouted.

"That's good to know," Don said as he took a selfie. "It wasn't very funny."

Raph shot a dirty look at his brother's soft shell. "I know how to tell jokes."

"You are a terrible joke teller," Leo said. "You never remember the punch line."

"I do too," Raph asserted.

"Oh, really?" Don asked, spinning around to face his brother. Setting an elbow on his knee, he rested his chin on the palm of his hand and said, "Tell us a joke."

Raph's eyes darted from left to right, droplets of sweat rolling down his face. "Um, ah . . . ., I . . . ."

"You don't know any, do you?" Leo asked with a smirk.

"Just give me a minute," Raph said.

"Yeah, give him a minute," Mikey said. Glancing at the expression on Raph's face, he added, "Maybe give him two minutes."

"I've got one!" Raph exclaimed triumphantly, snapping his fingers. "Okay, okay, listen up. So, these three mutants escaped from . . . somewhere see, and they were out in a desert . . . ."

"How did they get to the desert?" Don asked.

"That wouldn't be where I'd want to escape to," Leo said.

"It doesn't matter how they got there," Raph said in what he hoped was a firm tone. "Let me finish."

"Let him finish," Mikey said. "Go ahead, Raph."

"Thank you," Raph said. He took a deep breath and then released it. "The three mutants walked across the desert and the first mutant said, 'I brought a loaf of bread, so when I get hungry, I'll have something to eat."

"What kind of bread was it?" Leo asked. He held his fingers an inch apart. "If it was one of those tiny rolls he'll still be hungry."

"I must agree with Leon," Don said. "The small rolls will not sate the appetite . . . ."

"Will you two stop?" Raph demanded. "It's not my joke telling that's the problem, it's your joke listening."

"There's a right and wrong way to listen to a joke?" Mikey asked, his eyes wide. "All this time I've been doing it the wrong way!"

"There, there, Michael," Don said, using one of his mechanical hands to pat his brother's shell. "Your listening skills are exceptional."

"Yeah, it's Raph's joke telling that's the problem," Leo said. "I mean, we've been here for forty-seven minutes and he still hasn't gotten to the point."

"It has not been forty-seven minutes," Raph proclaimed.

Don glanced at his watch. "It has been twelve point thirteen minutes."

"Why is it taking you so long to tell this joke?" Leo asked.

"Because you keep interrupting!" Raph yelled. To himself he muttered, "Okay, Raph, calm down, ignore them, tell the joke."

"Twelve point twenty-five minutes," Don said.

Raph glared at him, to which Don merely shrugged. "The second mutant," Raph said, the look on his face defying anyone to interrupt, "said 'I brought a jug of water, so when I get thirsty, I'll have something to drink."

"It has been determined that a person can survive much longer without food than they can without water," Don said. "The mutant with the water will most certainly live longer."

"Why don't they share?" Mikey asked. "I would totally share."

"Ah, Miguel, you are too kind hearted," Leo said.

"The food and water are not the point of this joke," Raph snapped.

"What is the point of this joke?" Don asked.

"If you all would let me finish, you'd find out," Raph said.

Leo wiggled his fingers in Raph's face. "By all means, do finish. I'm growing old."

Raph growled at him and Leo winked. Running a palm over his face, Raph continued. "The third mutant puffed out his chest, feeling so much smarter than the other two. There was a smug look on his face . . . ."

"Kinda like the one Donnie always has," Leo said. "Know-it-all."

"You are confusing smug with contempt," Don shot back. "Didn't this whole conversation start with your inability to control the portal power of your odachi?"

"I thought it started because Raph said a bad word," Mikey said, looking confused.

"It started because I can't tell a joke!" Raph shouted. "No, wait . . . ."

"I do wish you would tell this one," Don said. "I do have other business to which I must attend."

Raising his voice, Raph began talking fast. "The third mutant said, 'I brought a car door so that if I get hot, I can roll down the window."

He stopped and looked expectantly at his brothers. All three of them stared back.

"Oh," Don finally said. "Was that the joke?"

"Yes that was the joke! Don't you get it?" Raph asked.

"Not really," Leo said, scratching his chin.

"Desert . . . heat . . . roll down the window?" Raph held his hands out. "Come on guys, it was funny."

"Ha, ha, ha, ha! I get it now!" Master Splinter said. He was standing in the doorway. "Good one, Red."

Clasping his hands behind his back, he walked away, chuckling to himself.

"I still don't get it," Mikey complained. "I liked the handle and sword joke better."

"That one wasn't a joke!" Raph yelled, waving his arms in the air.

"Whatever," Leo said, heading for the kitchen. "I want pizza. Anybody else want pizza?"

"Sounds good," Don said, jumping up from the floor to follow his brother.

Shoulders slumped, Raph's arms and head dangling dejectedly. Mikey stopped to pat his shell. "It's okay, Raphie. We can't all be the funny one. You should stick to the serious stuff, like talking to Leo about his portals."

Raph scowled as Mikey walked off, humming to himself. "That's what I was trying to do."

The younger turtle paused to look back. "Then maybe skip the handle and sword jokes next time. You totally changed the subject."

"But I wasn't . . . ." Raph stopped as Mikey disappeared from sight. "I give up."