Warnings: Questionable Scientific Practices, Asexual Character, Humor, Crackish

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Tsuna's problems couldn't all be solved by scientists, no matter how well Tsuna paid them.

"You need what?" Tsuna asked again, just to be sure.

"We need another DNA, not just yours," Shoichi repeated, a hint of a blush on his face. "We just need a cheek swab, nothing important. Since we're technically doing genetic splicing instead of combining a male sperm and a female egg."

Of course, here was the problem.

"Why male?" Tsuna asked.

Spanner gave him a deadpan look which Tsuna didn't mind since all of Spanner's looks were deadpan. "Tsuna-san, in case you haven't noticed, you surround yourself with a lot of frightening, beautiful men. And besides, do you really want to ask the women?"

Here, Tsuna had a process of elimination.

Kyoko would agree, but then there was Ryohei to consider, who would probably murder him.

Hana would make Ryohei murder him too.

Haru could be considered, but…it was a toss-up whether she would laugh and agree or punch him. Last resort if the gene splicing failed and he really needed a woman.

Bianchi, frighteningly enough, would probably agree. Which made him want to run away to Vienna.

Lal Mirch was completely out of the question. He didn't want to commit suicide via Colonnello.

Alright, maybe they had a point. Asking the men and doing gene splicing was easier than asking the women.

"Fine," Tsuna sighed. "I'll get you another DNA."

Spanner raised an eyebrow at him. "When?"

A deadline, dammit. "Within the week."

Spanner had the gal to roll his eyes at him. This was why Shoichi was his favorite.

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And then, before Tsuna could make a list and do a process of elimination, someone told Reborn about it.

"Baka-Tsuna, I heard you wanted to make a baby. Who's the other DNA?" Reborn asked.

It took immense effort not to cringe. His shoulders went stiff instead.

"I'm still thinking about it," Tsuna said. It sounded sullen to his own ears and Reborn rapped him sharply at the back of the skull, making him wince.

"Be firm," Reborn scolded. "Don't hang your head like that."

"I'm still thinking about it," Tsuna repeated firmly. "Who told you?"

Reborn raised an eyebrow. "I know everything."

Tsuna hadn't fallen for that since he was sixteen. "Get serious."

Reborn chuckled, warm and proud of him. It made feel ridiculously giddy. "Spanner told me. To make sure you actually do it and not ignore it until it's staring you in the face."

Tsuna did have a history of ignoring his problems until it was pointing a gun at him and the only way to solve it was either a Hibari let loose or using Sky Flames and tossing it out of the window.

He sighed. "Alright. I'm still considering though. It's not like I can just ask any of my guardians. There will be pouting if it seems like I'm favoring someone over another."

Reborn conceded the point with a tip of his fedora. His guardians were ridiculously possessive. "Point. But you don't have to tell anyone save the other donor. It's not their business but you and whoever it is."

"Who was It that told me that my business was Vongola business?" Tsuna demanded, not exactly disagreeing.

"Brat!" Reborn scolded, sounding mostly delighted instead of angry. "And here I thought you were growing a backbone."

Reborn cocked his gun and Tsuna yelped, diving out of his door.

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Who could he ask? Tsuna wondered.

His guardians were out of the question. So much pouting, if anyone discovered who the other donor was.

Tsuna loved them, but he didn't want to deal with the pouting.

The other Arcobaleno could be considered. They were mostly freelance and powerful enough to continue the bloodline of Vongola.

But. He also wanted to look closer to home.

The Varia. Hmm…

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"Tenth!" Hayato wailed. "Reborn told us. You're having a baby?"

All the other guardians were there, a rare and ridiculous feat. They were too busy to gather in one place save for Christmas.

It was a planned ambush.

"Yup!" Tsuna agreed, seeing no point in lying.

"That's great, Tsuna!" Takeshi said. He was grinning like he's about to see the greatest joke in existence. Come to think of it, so was Mukuro.

"Who's the spawn's other father," Lambo asked.

Lambo was no longer his favorite guardian. NOPE.

"None of your business," Tsuna said firmly. Reborn would be proud of him.

"Tsunayoshi," Mukuro said, sounding on the verge of laughter. "What are you not telling us?"

Tsuna did not squirm.

"Is it a secret?" Chrome asked, the traitor.

"I will find out," Hibari growled out.

Tsuna didn't feign bravery. He ran.

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Shoichi sent him regular updates on the little baby growing inside the tank.

"He's growing his brain," Shoichi texted. "It's fascinating."

Then, "The fingers and the feet are taking shape. The head still looks funny."

And finally, "It looks like a baby. He'll be out in a couple of months. You better start thinking about names."

Names! Tsuna thought with dismay.

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"Kyoko, what do you think I should name my baby?" he asked her over tea.

Kyoko had grown into an incredibly graceful and beautiful woman with the propensity to disembowel people who angered her with a gentle smile.

She giggled. "Shouldn't you ask the other parent?" she asked.

The other parent, still unnamed and unknown save to Tsuna, wanted nothing to do with his Vongola madness. Which. Hypocritical of him. He was working for the Vongola madness.

"He doesn't want to," Tsuna said. "Which was the best I could hope for, which is why I asked him."

Kyoko tipped her teacup, conceding the point. "Well, first, you have to decide if you want them to have a Japanese name or an Italian name."

A Japanese name while heading the Italian Mafia. It sounded like the beginning of a bad joke, except Tsuna had faced a lot of problems when he started because of his foreign name.

"You give good advice," Tsuna said as thanks. "Have you tried the scones? Haru was baking some last night."

Kyoko giggled, and that was that.

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Another problem arose.

Because Shoichi's lab, where the little blueberry was being grown, was finally found by Hibari and his snooping.

"Omnivore," Hibari growled in his ear, making Tsuna freeze receiving the phone call. "Why does your spawn have that hair."

It was Tsuna's hope that blueberry would inherit his hair, or his dads.

Not. The other parent. Dammit.

"He has the other donors hair?" Tsuna answered, cursing that it came out as a question.

Hibari dropped the call with a growl.

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"Sawada," Squalo - the newly revealed other parent, scowled at him. He stormed the room fully armed and holding his sword-arm prosthetic. "Why am I being attacked by your guardians?"

Tsuna cringed. "They found out," he sighed.

Squalo stared. "You didn't tell them?"

The still unnamed blueberry wailed on his bassinet beside him. It sounded like a punctuation to his life, which was saying something. "It wasn't their business."

Squalo threw his hands up in the air, looking incredibly put upon. "I agreed to probably being attacked by your Storm. I did not agree about your Mist."

Mukuro, who was probably doing this for the entertainment value.

"I'll talk to him," Tsuna said.

He turned to look at his blueberry, the baby blinking large doe eyes he'd inherited from Tsuna at him. Coupled with the silvery hair from Squalo, he was adorable. He would also be the most spoiled child due to it.

"Oh no," he heard Squalo whimper over his shoulder. "It's cute."

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I chose Squalo, because I just wanted to write that last scene. A baby. Defeating the Sword Emperor.