Mirror Image

Chapter 3

To get to the walking trail, he had to pass by the same part of the park he'd visited with JJ and the boys that day not long before the events leading to his prison ordeal. It had been Henry's hand-drawn memory of that day that had sustained Reid throughout most of his time at Milburn, because it had reminded him of why he'd needed to survive it. Walking by today, he felt that same aching fullness he'd felt each time Henry's drawing had reminded him of the riches of his life, and how near he'd been to losing them. He felt a little bit like that again, today.

JJ was already waiting for him, jogging in place to keep warm. Although she'd told herself that she'd chosen the walking trail as a way to insure some privacy on the cold winter morning, part of her knew she'd also chosen a mobile encounter as a way to minimize eye contact.

Because, even when I force myself to be direct, I find a way around it. I am such a coward.

She smiled to see him coming, even as she sensed her pulse beginning to race, and she considered how strange it was to feel so awkward around him. She could only pray it wouldn't be permanent.

"Hi."

His smile was tentative, but affectionate and encouraging. More to the point, he looked and sounded confident, assured. Just as he had at Rossi's wedding, when he'd told her, 'Everything's okay'. Not at all as he'd looked when she'd told him she loved him, bound and helpless on the floor of the jewelry store.

Except….

Except that his initial shock and surprise at what she'd said had almost immediately mellowed, and his eyes had become soft, and knowing, even in a circumstance that could well have ended both of their lives.

You already knew, didn't you? How long have you known, Spence? Did you know before I did? Did you get there before I did?

"Hi," she greeted him in return. "Okay if we walk?"

"Lead the way."

They set off side by side, hands in pockets, following the trail deeper into the trees, which had been stripped bare for the winter.

Like me, thought JJ.

Looking down at her, Reid saw that she was having trouble getting started.

"You're not okay, are you?"

She glanced up at him. "You are?"

He toggled his head. "I don't know. I think... I think I am."

JJ turned her head forward again, smiling derisively to herself. Then what are we doing here?

Aloud, she said, "Well, then, I guess I should ask, are we okay?"

Reid walked a few strides before responding, making her anxious. When he spoke, his words did nothing to allay her anxiety.

"You said you'd never lie to me again. Do you remember that?"

She did, exactly. She'd lied to him about Emily having died, and it had nearly put an end to their friendship.

"I've always been honest with you," he went on. "I may have forgotten to tell you a few things…"

"You mean things like how sick your mother really was, or taking trips to Mexico?" Sounding accusatory, in spite of herself, and her intentions. But not daring to speak aloud that other thing he'd forgotten to tell her.

What about when you fell in love with a woman you'd never met?

He didn't rise to the challenge. He knew her too well, knew every one of her defense mechanisms.

"Things like that, yes. But I've never lied to you. And I am going to hold you to your word that you'll never lie to me again."

JJ stared at the ground ahead of her as she walked.

"You want me to answer the question. Truth or dare, right?"

"No dare. Just truth."

She sighed. "All right."

Hearing that, Reid unwittingly derailed her plan to eschew eye contact. He took her arm, and turned her to face him.

She did as she'd done at the wedding, when he'd asked her the first time. She looked up with a sad smile, and settled her stance, resigned at having to answer him. But first, she reminded him of something from that prior conversation

"You didn't give me a chance to answer that night, you know."

His gaze narrowed. "Didn't I? I'm a profiler, JJ. I can read body language."

Which is how I've known the truth for as long as I've known it.

"But you didn't give me a chance to tell you. You didn't give me a chance to say it. And ….. I don't know, I think I might have."

His brows went up. "But you're not sure."

She broke eye contact, shaking her head. "You know me well enough to know I'm a coward about some things."

Emboldened by the situation, Reid lifted her chin, demanding her eyes.

"Don't be a coward now, Jennifer."

JJ looked up at the familiar hazel, so soft, and kind, and patient. And insistent.

She gathered herself before opening her mouth. "All right. You're right. What's to be afraid of, telling my best friend that I love him?"

Except losing my best friend.

Then, realizing what her words had implied, she hastened to add, "But that wasn't it. I mean, you are my best friend, and please, God, you still will be. But that wasn't what I meant when I said it. And, yes, I did actually mean it. I … I love you. And I have, for a long time."

Standing before her, even having known that she had meant it, he hadn't been quite certain she would tell him so. Now, at hearing the words, his preparation for them proved absolutely useless. He was flooded with the warmth and fulfillment of knowing, of having been told, and it swayed him on his feet, just a little bit.

JJ reached out to steady him, and he caught her hand against his arm.

"Spence.."

"I'm all right. Just.."

She smiled wryly. "Yeah, I know."

His mind took him away for a moment, presenting him with a rapid fire set of images of things that might have been, things that might still be, and things he would be forced to sacrifice. Throughout that journey, he held her hand against his arm. When he emerged, his eyes followed hers in that direction, and he quickly let go.

"Sorry."

"Don't be. I just didn't want you to fall over. I think I'd have had a hard time picking you up."

He smiled at the small joke. Now that it was out there, now that it had been acknowledged, now that she'd told him, it didn't seem to hold the same power it had held unstated. It just was. As it had been, seemingly forever.

You know this. She loves you, and you love her. Don't be afraid of it.

He turned back toward the path, crooking his arm. JJ took the hint, and slid hers through the space created. As they moved ahead, Reid chuckled to himself.

"Actually, it was probably a good thing I was already sitting down, the other day."

"Sitting down, and, at least to my eye, facing near certain death. Honestly, Spence, if I hadn't thought…"

He finished it for her. "If you hadn't thought we were about to die, you would never have told me. Is that what you were going to say?"

He could feel her shoulders shrug. "What would have been the point? I mean, look at how awkward it's been between us, ever since. Why would I have put us through it?"

Reid was silent for a few strides before responding with another question.

"Why did you, then? I mean, you didn't have to tell me."

JJ chanced a glance upward. "I guess…. I just wanted you to know. I didn't want my life to end without having told you. And I didn't want yours to end without knowing you'd been loved. I wanted you to know how precious you are to me."

Moved by her words, and dissatisfied with the circumstances of their conversation, Reid steered them toward a wooden bench, just off the path. There, he sat, and invited her to do the same, turning himself to face her. Giving up the effort to keep him from reading her, JJ faced him as well.

Reid leaned forward, the intensity in his features capturing her full attention.

"Why?"

JJ couldn't break her eyes away, nor could she stop them from filling up. It was a long moment before she could speak.

"I… you're so important to me, Spence. Much more than you know. Much more than I've ever told you. And I just… I couldn't let you go without you knowing."

Reid sat back just a little. "So… I'm important to you." Pondering. "JJ, we've been best friends for years. Of course I know I'm important to you. Are you saying that's what you meant? Because it sounded like something else."

JJ leaned back against the bench, looking up to the heavens in frustration.

Can I have a little help here?

"No, that's not what I meant. I mean, I know we're best friends, and I've thanked God for that more times than I can count. But, yes, it was something else." Lowering her head to look at him, she offered a wistful smile. "Can I try to explain?"

He knew her smile was a feeble attempt to mask her pain, and he nearly told her she didn't have to. But that would have felt like saying he didn't need to live the rest of his life. So he simply encouraged her.

"I'm listening."

JJ closed her eyes as she searched for the words that had eluded her so far.

"Okay. Well, I know I said 'always'. But it didn't happen quite that way." Shifting around towards him, giving herself over completely to it. "I liked you, when you first came, but I think I also felt a little bit sorry for you. You were always so serious, and Gideon was always quizzing you, and you looked absolutely terrified of Morgan."

He smiled. "I was."

She returned it. "So I made a point of being nice to you. We even had our first and only date, do you remember?"

"Like I could forget."

She giggled, in spite of the situation. "Yeah, I didn't quite know if I was going to have to resuscitate you. But we didn't let it get between us, and I was always so happy about that. As crazy as it seems, I think it kind of broke the ice between us. We started to talk more, and I found out what a really great guy you are. Which made me wonder whether maybe we'd been too hasty about the whole dating thing. But then…"

He said what she'd been unable to. "Then, Hankel."

She sobered. "Yes. Then, Tobias Hankel. And everything that happened after. Oh, Spence, I wish I'd been more mature then! I wish I'd realized that I should have been helping you!"

Reid shook his disagreement. "I was the immature one. I nearly threw my life away, and I was the only one who could fix it."

She defended him to himself. "You weren't being immature. You'd been through a terrible trauma, and you were still hurting. It wasn't your fault. It was just…. I didn't know how to handle it. So I did what I always do, and I put distance between us. I'll be sorry for that for the rest of my life."

Reid's long arm stretched across, and he squeezed her shoulder.

"Nothing about that was your fault. I'm just sorry it took me so long to get past it."

Knowing, by now, that it had changed the course of both of their lives.

She nodded. "That's when I met Will."

JJ stared off into the distance, silent for so long that Reid wondered if the conversation was over, without having reached its conclusion. But then she seemed to shake herself out of her reverie, as she turned her gaze to him once again.

"Will." She sighed. "I told you it was complicated, didn't I? The thing is, I love my husband. I do. I love the life we've put together, and you know how much I love the boys. But I also love you."

His brow furrowed as he struggled to understand her.

"But you love me….how?"

JJ chuckled sardonically to herself. "I'm really bad at this, huh?" She sighed once again. "So, I don't know when I first realized it, but when I did, I also knew that it had been there for a long time. But it kind of crept up on me. I mean, here was my best friend, and it was only natural for me to admire him, and respect him, and look for him in the morning when I got in, and miss him on the days I didn't see him. Right?"

Sitting across from her, Reid was fascinated. What she was describing was something he'd thought only he did, about her.

"And then, I realized that I was thinking about you, even on our days off, and wondering what you were doing, and picturing us doing it together. And then one of the boys would do something cute or funny, and I'd want to tell you about it. I'm pretty sure that I've texted you photos of them on about a thousand weekends."

He nodded. "I've always looked forward to receiving them."

He'd always thought she'd sent them because he was their godfather, and that he'd looked forward to it because he enjoyed the boys so much. Up until now, he'd avoided wondering if it was the contact with her that he really enjoyed.

"And then, when I was sent to Afghanistan…..I was in over my head, and I knew it. I so wished I had you there to help me figure things out. Not just the work, but me. I needed someone who really knew me, and….and it wasn't Will who I thought of. It was you."

He was immediately defensive of her. "I've told you, you didn't do anything wrong while you were there, JJ. You had limited choices, and you made the best of them."

"See? That's what I needed. I know Will would have supported me, too, but all he really wanted was for me to come home."

He gave her a look. "If I'd known, that's what I would have wanted, too."

JJ rubbed at the arm he'd thrown over the back of the bench. "I know. And then, when I did come home, and we had that awful fight, and I …. Oh, Spence, I messed up so many things in that part of my life. I'm so grateful we didn't let it stay between us."

He gave her his lopsided smile. "Me too." He spent a moment remembering. "I kind of felt like we were starting all over, after that. We were each so different."

"Honestly, I think the only thing that was really different was the trust we shared. It's so weird, isn't it, that the first time there was something between us, I met Will, and the next time, you met Maeve. I thought about that the other day. I wondered if each of us had been waiting for the other, and when neither of us stepped up, we looked elsewhere."

Then, realizing her monumental assumption, she blushed. "I haven't even asked you. I shouldn't assume you feel the same way."

Reid took a moment to assemble his words. "I'm guess I'm still not totally clear on what 'way' that is. But, if you're asking me if I love you, yes, of course I do."

She let out a breath. "But you're not in love with me." Put as a statement, and not a question.

"Honestly, when we first met, I was as terrified of you as I was of Morgan. But then you were nice to me. The most beautiful girl in the world was nice to me."

He smiled to see her blush at the compliment.

"Of course I fell in love. I've loved you ever since. I just never expected you to return it. That hadn't been my experience with beautiful girls."

"Spence…"

He put up a hand to stop her. "I know, but we're talking about then. After that, I was too messed up, and by the time I managed to find my self-respect again, you were with Will. And I was used to being on the outside, so that's where I stayed."

JJ wasn't sure what to make of it. "So, you've never really thought of me that way?"

"I didn't say that. But I'd been alone for so long that I think it kind of changed my self-image. I couldn't see myself as the guy who gets the girl, so I stopped trying to. Not that I didn't wish for it sometimes, but…" he shrugged, "it just wasn't me."

"Until Maeve."

He shook his head. "I couldn't even believe it with Maeve. I mean, she told me she loved me, and I was dumbfounded. I mean, literally. I couldn't say anything. I just never expected anyone to actually love me."

She reached out to him again. "Oh, Spence! I wish you could see yourself the way I see you!"

He stared at her. "Which is how, exactly?"

JJ looked frustrated with herself. "I told you I was bad at this." Then, staring into the middle distance, she once again sought the right words. "The best way I can describe it is that it's like what happens after the infatuation phase is over, and the feelings become deeper. I'm not saying I've never felt a spark, or that I don't still feel them, because I'd be lying. But it's more than that. It's so much more. It's deeper. It's warm, and encouraging, and accepting. It makes me happy. It nurtures me."

The challenge in his eyes softened, replaced by that familiar, deep affection. He knew exactly what she meant.

"All through my time in prison, I thought about you. I was so sorry for having disappointed you, and for hurting you. For not letting you know what was going on. I guess that was the remnant in me that still feels like I'm on my own."

"You're not, Spence."

The sadness that entered his eyes reminded her that this entire conversation was about the fact that he was, and would continue to be. Still, he wanted her to know, as much as she wanted him to.

"That first time you came to visit me…God, JJ, the look on your face, and I couldn't reach out to you. I couldn't get you out of my mind. After Luis was killed, and I was put into that therapy group, I started keeping a journal. I was supposed to write a goal, and my goal … my only goal… was to get home. But the only image I had for 'home'… was you."

Nearly three years later, and the memory of that time still brought her to tears. And she told him.

"That was the time when I realized I couldn't ignore it anymore. Couldn't deny it. I'd known, on some level. I mean… and I know this shows how petty I can be…but I was actually jealous of Maeve. I know, stupid, right? But I told myself that it wasn't jealousy, that I was just worried about you, and what you were going through. But then…oh, God, Spence, when you were arrested, and then when you went to prison….I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. I could barely work. I think that's when I realized that all of those feelings I'd told myself not to feel…they were real."

Wetness brimmed her eyes, and he longed to comfort her, but he was well practiced in ignoring such longing. Then his hand remembered what conversation they were in, and reached out in spite of him. It cupped her cheek, and brushed a tear from beneath her eye.

"This was what I wanted to do that day you came to Milburn. I wanted to wash away your tears. And I never again want to be the cause of them."

The words, and the gesture, were too much for her. JJ began to weep, and Reid once again gave in to something he'd longed to do so many times in the past. To be the comforter, and not the comforted. He stood, and opened his arms.

She'd always resisted him. Always made him keep his distance, and not get too close to her weakness. Each time, he'd thought she was being defensive, not wanting to acknowledge her own vulnerability. Now, he wondered if he'd been right about the vulnerability, but wrong about the thing she'd feared being vulnerable to. Because, in this moment, for the first time, she accepted his offer. JJ stood, and walked into his embrace.

He felt the shaking of her body against him, as her grief wallowed up. His long fingers cupped the head that was buried into his shoulder, and held it there, grateful for the privilege. She'd been so precious to him, for so long, and he'd never held her like this.

And I probably never will again. We can't do anything about this. There's too much at stake. Her marriage, the boys. Even the ways we define who we are.

So he simply stayed in the moment, and absorbed it. Absorbed her. When she quieted, she lifted her head, but made no move to leave the sanctuary of his arms. JJ understood the uniqueness of it, and let it imprint upon her memory.

Eventually, she settled back, so she could see his face. Still resting in the circle of his arms, she smiled sadly up at him. Lifting her hands, she cradled his face between them.

"I really do love you, Spencer Reid. That's something that will never change."

"And I love you. Always have, always will. But…"

Her smile left her. "Yeah, 'but'. I told you, it's too complicated."

He looked off, over her head. "To be honest, when you're still single at my age, pretty much every relationship comes with complications." Looking down to her again. "But I understand. I love you, and Henry and Michael, and I would never do anything to hurt any of you. And I heard you when you said you still love Will."

"I do. I don't even know how that works, but I know that I do. And I don't think I could live with hurting him in any way, even if I didn't still love him." JJ dropped her hands and took hold of Reid's. "Are you sorry I told you?"

Reid's features reflected his ambivalence. "I guess not. I mean, your telling me made it real. But it's not like I didn't know. Sort of."

"But..?"

"But there's something about knowing for sure. Something about being told. It's amazing, and wonderful …..and, if I'm honest, it's also a little painful."

To love a woman who loves me, and have to walk away…without walking away.

"I'm so sorry, Spence. And I don't want it to be hard for you. I've thought about this pretty much non-stop since that night. I treasure every day we spend together, every moment of every conversation. It's not like I want it to end. But, If it's too awkward, I'll tell Em I want to transfer."

Not that he hadn't thought about it too, but, "Why you?"

She squirmed just a bit. "Well, because I have a family. It would make sense that I'd want to spend more time at home. And you…"

"Have nothing. My only family…my only functional family…is the BAU. You could leave, and still have some kind of context for your life. But, if I left, I would lose all of it."

JJ teared up again, faced with the dilemma she'd put them both in.

"I'm sorry, Spence. I was stupid, I should have known you would find a way to save us. I should have kept my mouth shut, or made something up. I just…. maybe I was just being selfish. Maybe I was too caught up in what I needed you to know. I wasn't even thinking about what might come after."

Reid reached out and took her shoulders, emphasizing the conviction behind his words.

"If you were selfish to tell me, I am just selfish enough to accept it. I love knowing that you love me. I can try to have that be enough, if you can. Because I'm also selfish enough not to want to give up my godsons, or the work that I do. And I don't want you to have to give it up, either. We'll always be in each other's lives, JJ, even if only because of the boys. We may as well find a way to live with it. My suggestion is that we live with it the same way we have been."

"You mean, knowing but not knowing?"

"I mean knowing, but not acting. I'll be honest with you, I have no idea if I can do this. But the stakes are too high for me not to try."

JJ took so long to respond to him that he was worried she would refuse his solution. But her words contained another challenge.

"I don't want this to stop you from finding someone."

"What?"

"I'm serious. Spence, I know you want children. I know you want a family. For the record, I think you'd be an amazing dad. I see how you are with the boys, and I can only imagine how you would be with your own kids. So, I don't want you to let how you feel about me get in the way of your feelings for someone else. Everyone has a first love. Everyone has someone who got away. Let me be that person, but don't let me be the reason you don't find your next love."

"That might have been a little easier a few days ago." The words were out before he had a chance to stop them. "I'm sorry. That wasn't fair."

"Yes, it was. All of this is my fault. I just honestly don't know what to do about it, except what we're doing."

Reid did.

"Come here." He drew her into his arms once again. "I may never get to say these words again. But I love you, Jennifer Jareau. I love your heart, and your mind, and your courage, and your caring. I love you on your best days and your worst. And I love knowing that you love me."

She smiled as she put her arms around his neck, drawing them closer. "And I meant what I said that night. I love you, and I feel like I always have. And I know you love me. I feel it every day. I think it's what sustains me."

It was lost on neither of them that they'd made no promises about the future, because the future was not theirs to share.

Nor was it lost on either of them their overwhelming desire to kiss.

Something deep inside Spencer Reid knew that, if he gave in to this one desire, he might then desire something more, and give in to that, and then something more…..

So, he resisted that desire. Instead, he visited that place that had so often provided a home to him when he'd needed one, a haven in times of danger and distress. He looked down, and fell into her eyes, unable to count the times he'd done so before. The blue depths had faithfully held him, and loved him, and consoled him, for years, just as they promised to do today. Reid made no effort to restrain himself. He simply dove in, and allowed himself to be swallowed up. And he found her there, articulating her love for him in ways too powerful for words.

JJ felt him there, more surely than if his lips had covered hers. Her gaze lasered into his, seeking, finding, loving. And then, tempered by their reality, it became shadowed, and shaded, with the need to live in the world they'd been given.

She held Reid in one final, tight, embrace, and felt herself pulled closer than ever before. They were at the end of words, and everything else.

When at last he released her, she turned them abruptly back in the direction from which they'd come.

"I need to get home. Henry's selling popcorn outside the grocery store this afternoon."

"Tell him I'll take one of each kind. I know someone who likes to eat it on the plane."

FINIS

A.N. That's it for now. We'll see what season 15 brings. Or I may write one of the thousand other ways this could have gone, who knows?

If I could respectfully ask that any comments actually be about this story. As with everything I write, I put a lot of time (and myself) into it. But I don't write the show, I simply respond to it. If you have opinions about where the show writers have taken things, there are plenty of other platforms for those comments. Please use them.