Hello everyone and happy Snoggletog to you all.

It's been one heck of a year for me but I think I should talk about that later. This years tale started out as a simple little comedy (as usual) but then ended up as the longest yuletide story thus far. For those of you who have never read one of Terry Pratchett's Discworld novels, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? THERE ARE OVER 30 OF THEM TO CHOOSE FROM!

Okay... I'll calm down now. As I was saying, if you're unfamiliar with these stories, I have tried to explain the characters and situations enough so you should be able to follow along. Needless to say, you will find it easier if you already know who Rincewind is, and what the ins and outs of Ankh-Morepork are.

Hope you enjoy this first HTTYD/Discworld seasonal story,

Marty.

How To Adapt Your Dragon For Interdimensional Travel

A Snoggletog Story for 2018
(with apologies to Sir Terry Pratchett)

Chapter 1

A trill of laughter filled the air as Heather concluded her story about Dagurs unfortunate encounter with a rather annoyed bunch of hibernating Terrible Terrors.

"That'll teach him not to try and lay claim to a cave before he checks it for inhabitants first" Astrid smirked.

A brief silence fell of the camp fire as the three girls basked in its warmth on such a cold winter's night. The air was calm but they were still glad to be rugged up inside the Dragon Island cave and not outside in the frosty air.

"I must remember to give Stoick a big Snoggletog hug the next time I see him" Ruffnut exclaimed.

"Why?" Heather asked, suspecting there was more to Ruffnut's declaration.

"Chief Stoick is the reason we are all here this year" Astrid explained.

"How?" Heather continued with her series of one word questions.

"About a week ago, Hiccup was getting restless as usual, and suggested that a patrol around the outer islands would be prudent. He said it was just in case any dragon hunters were using the winter ice to hide themselves. Hiccup said that if they discovered the hatching grounds here on Dragon Island, it would be a disaster for the dragon population" Astrid continued.

"The only problem was, the Chief decided to form his own team and do the patrol himself; thus leaving poor ol' Hiccup stuck on Berk as stand-in chief" Ruffnut laughed.

"So when it came time to accompany the dragons here, Hiccup had no choice but to send you" Heather realised.

"And I thought it would be fun to have an all girls night camping trip" Astrid nodded back.

"I heard last year's attempted romantic getaway with Hiccup didn't go too well" Heather smirked.

"Yeah I wanna forget that Snoggletog ever existed. At least nothing weird should happen this year" Astrid huffed.

Barely a second had passed since the words left her mouth, when something weird started to happen. All three girls jumped up when a deafening crack filled the air. They quickly rushed out of the cave and saw the most amazing sight. Hovering just above their heads was a strange horizontal circle, two meters across, swirling red and green. From it was emitting the sound of a mighty rushing wind, even though they could not feel the slightest of breezes.

"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?" Heather cried out over the din.

"IT'S A RED AND GREEN... WOBBLY ROUND... SWIRLY... THING" Ruffnut answered.

"THANKS; THAT REALLY HELPS" Heather replied sarcastically.

"ANYTIME" Ruffnut cluelessly smiled back.

As the three Dragon Riders stood almost motionless, unsure of what to do about this strange looking phenomenon, a strange looking figure fell in a strange manner and made a strange reverberating thud when it hit the ground.

"THAT'S STRANGE" Ruffnut noted.

The hovering circle suddenly disappeared in on itself, accompanied by the sound of a loud backwards whoosh. With it went the deafening noise, leaving nothing but a deafening silence broken only by the whimpering moans coming from the ragged man who lay before them.

"Oww" he said "It should not have hurt that much."

Rolling over onto his back, the man finally noticed the three young women who surrounded him. The two friendly looking ones held the tips of their very sharp swords only inches from his face, while the unfriendly one brandished a battleaxe that the man doubted he could even lift if he tried.

"Make one false move and your head will see in the new year feeling rather lonesome, and wishing it still had your body to keep it company" the unfriendly one threatened.

"Now now ladies" the man raised his arms in surrender "I think you find I am quite harmless and if you will allow me to stand, I will gladly be on my way and cease to be such a bother."

"You're not going anywhere" Heather barked.

"Unless you're a really good swimmer" Ruffnut laughed.

"What's your name; where're you from?" Astrid demanded to know.

"My err... my name is... Rincewind and I came from um... up there."

As Rincewind's gaze followed his own pointing finger, he noticed something very wrong.

"What? Where's the tower gone?" he gasped.

"What tower?" Astrid asked with suspicion.

"What do you mean 'what tower'?" Rincewind replied with confusion "That tower; the one that isn't there."

"I think he's trying to use the insanity defence" Ruffnut stated.

"Surely even outsiders like you three have seen the Tower of Art" Rincewind stated bluntly "It can be seen from all over Ankh-Morpork and is the pride of the Unseen University."

"Definitely an insanity defence" Ruffnut repeated.

"Well whatever his story is, lets sort it all out back by the fire. its way too cold out here" Astrid declared.

"Yes why has it gotten so cold all of a sudden?" Rincewind wondered.

"It's always cold during the Season of Snoggletog" Heather shrugged.

"Snoggle... tog?" Rincewind turned pale "Did you say... Snoggletog?"

"Yes" Heather answered suspiciously.

Rincewind dropped to his knees and whimpered for a short time before raising his hands up.

"Great Gods of Dunmanifestin" he cried out "How on the disk did I end up back on Globeworld?"

Astrid and Heather grabbed the whimpering intruder under his arms and half dragged him into the cave, while Ruffnut kept him covered with a sword in his back. Rincewind had to admit he had never seen a cave with a door before, but the addition certainly made it nice and cosy inside. There was a short time of silence at first, during which the three young warriors closely perused the odd man. Over his scruffy clothes he wore a long red cloak, emblazoned with five pointed stars, crescent moons and other such motifs. His conical red hat bore the same patterns, along with the misspelt word WIZZARD just above its wide brim.

"So are you ready to talk?" Astrid said at last.

"That's all we can do" Rincewind sighed "There's no way I'll ever get back home now."

"Well let's start right there; where is home?"

"Home for me is... or rather was... the Unseen University in the city of Ankh-Morpork."

"Can't say I've ever heard of it" Astrid admitted "Is it anywhere near Elydonia?"

"It isn't near anything around here" Rincewind stated bluntly. "Ankh-Morpork is a city on a real planet; a good old fashioned round, flat planet, not like this weird ball shaped abomination."

The three girls glanced at each other while trying desperately to make sense of what this increasingly odd man was saying.

"So what are you meant to be?" Rincewind continued "You're too pretty to be to Trolls and not hairy enough to be Dwarfs. Oh please tell me you're not... Tourists."

"What's a Tourist?" Ruffnut asked.

"Oh thank Offler for that; I don't think I could take being stuck in another dimension with a bunch of Tourists."

"We're Dragon Riders" Astrid informed the man.

"Aren't you a little overdressed for Dragon Riders?" Rincewind shrugged.

"Overdressed?" Heather looked surprised "These clothes aren't exactly ball gowns. What do Dragon Riders wear in Ankh-Morpork?"

"Oh you won't find many Dragon Riders in Ankh-Morpork" Rincewind fobbed off the question. "They tend to hang around Wyrmberg in the land of Hergen. The men wear very little and the women wear even less; triangles mostly."

"Triangles?" all three asked in unison.

"Basically, yes" Rincewind nodded; two small leather triangles strategically fitted up top, and a long, thin triangle hanging down below the belly. The whole outfit is held together by several leather thong straps."

"Sounds disgusting" Heather stated.

"Sounds cold and uncomfortable" Astrid winced.

"I dunno" Ruffnut looked thoughtful "I can just imagine myself in a cute little number like that."

Heather tried her level best not to imagine Ruffnut dressed in triangles, but a shiver ran down her spine when she failed to do so.

"So how are you going to get home again" Astrid asked, desperate to change the subject.

"Didn't you hear what I said before?" Rincewind barked "I can't; I'm stuck here forever with a bunch of overly modest Dragon Riders."

The self confessed wizard gave a slight whimper as his head dropped into his hands.

"Can't you go back the way you came?" Heather had the feeling her suggestion would soon be mocked, but it seemed like a reasonable thing to ask.

"The way I came? Sure; assuming you have a massive team of stone masons and carpenters standing by to quickly erect a Globeworld Tower of Art for me to be thrown off of."

"A little more explanation with a little less sarcasm would go down well" Astrid sneered.

Rincewind gave a loud sigh before he began a greatly condensed version of his story, leaving the girls to fill in the blanks for themselves.

"I'm a coward; okay? So when I heard there was a member of the Assassins Guild on the grounds of the Unseen University, along with a rumour saying he was on official business, I decided to take refuge at the very top of the Tower of Art. I figured that the stairs were so off putting, he would not go up unless his target was there, and so I would probably be the only one up top. Unfortunately I was wrong; so was the Assassin and he threw me off the tower before I could say 'That's a beautifully jewelled dagger you have hanging from your belt'; rather a basic method of killing someone, but generally very effective."

"So how did you end up here?" Ruffnut asked.

"Now there's an intelligent young woman" Rincewind huffed. "Why bother to wait till the end of the story when you can just interrupt with obvious and useless enquiries."

Ruffnut grinned widely upon hearing the Wizard call her intelligent, but her countenance soon change when she heard the rest of his statement.

"The Tower of Art is so tall, I had plenty of time think on the way down... once I had finished panicking of course; I did mention I was a coward, didn't I?"

The girls all nodded so Rincewind went on.

"I remembered a spell called the Un-terminal Vortex. This spell would allow the user to quickly transport themselves from a great height, to a new position only a few feet off the ground; thus turning a liquefying splat into a bruise inducing boo-boo, that any mother worth her salt could easily kiss away with a sympathetic 'There there.' The spell seemed to work but instead of just transporting me down to a less deadly height, it also appears to have taken me to another dimension."

"Exactly how tall is this tower?" Heather asked, hoping she wouldn't be sarcastically chastised.

"It rises up eight hundred feet over the city and on a clear day, it can be seen from the farmlands to the north, to the mountains in the east." Astrid gave a whistle of astonishment. She could see this Tower of Art would make the Great Spire of Bolthorn Castle look like a pointy roof on a quaint little bungalow.

"And you need something that high to do your... spell... thingy?" she asked.

"It takes a while to complete the incantation so if you try do it too close the ground, all you end up with, is a rather disgusting street pizza" Rincewind whimpered.

"We could drop you from a dragon" Heather smiled eagerly "Eight hundred feet, a thousand feet, whatever you want."

"Correct me if I am wrong, but I am sure I have already mentioned my extreme level of cowardice" the wizard reminded them.

"More than once" Ruffnut rolled her eyes "Well just stay on the dragon until you've done whatever it is you have to do, and then jump into your swirly thing."

"No good; the spell won't work unless the caster is falling during the incantation" Rincewind sighed.

Heather threw one of their few remaining logs on the fire as the trio of Dragon Riders desperately tried to think of an idea that the wizard wouldn't immediately reject.

"How about this then?" Astrid leaned forward "We are very fortunate to have with us, the fastest and most manoeuvrable dragon ever discovered."

"Toothless!" Ruffnut stated proudly.

"Well I'm not talking about Meatlug!" Astrid barked "So I take you up really high and go into a dive. If anything goes wrong with your spell, we'll just pull up and try again. When you've got you vortex open, I can easily just drop you in it and you're on your way home again."

This idea seemed to fit in nicely with Rincewinds desire to minimise all risk to his health and so a few minutes later, the wizard was introduced to the only known Night Fury in the archipelago.

"It's a bit small isn't it?" he thought "Where I come from, the dragons are so big they have to use mountains to perch on."

"We have dragons that size here too" Astrid smiled s the rubbed the top of the black dragons head "But believe me, I know from experience that you don't want to be on a massive dragon during a power dive towards the ground. Toothless is sleek, fast and can make the sharpest of high speed turns."

Toothless raised his head in a very smug manner, but his countenance soon changed when Rincewind spoke again.

"I guess you're the dragon expert, but he doesn't look like he's got it in him; and what's with the tail?"

Toothless snorted with distain and started to walk off.

"Listen up wizard; if you want our help to get home, I strongly suggest you don't start insulting the dragon you need to achieve that task" Astrid barked.

"Whoa; bad flashback" Heather gasped. *

"Oh come on" Rincewind defended himself "It's not as if it can understand what I'm saying."

"Maybe not, but dragons are very sensitive and can pick up on you feelings and intents. Toothless has been with us for several years; he is very smart and knows quite well when he's been insulted" Astrid explained sharply.

"Alright alright, I'll apologise" Rincewind sighed unconvincingly.

It took a lot to improve the proud dragon's mood. In the end, Astrid whispered that helping Rincewind would hopefully get rid of the annoying wizard once and for all, and that was when Toothless finally came around. Soon the determined trio were making their way up towards the clouds with only their mission on their minds.

"Oh God this is terrifying" Rincewind shivered, proving the author did not know everything.

"Is this high enough?" Astrid asked as they approached the lowest wisp of cloud.

"Well yes... but I think we'd better go a little higher to give us more time for the spell to work.

Astrid urged the dragon higher until at last, they began their descent and Rincewind began his incantation.

"OOOOOOOHHHH MY GODDD! AAAAAARRRRRGH!"

"STOP SCREAMING AND START SPELLING!" Astrid yelled over the sound of rushing wind.

"I WAS UNTIL YOU INTERUPTED" Rincewind barked "NOW SHUT UP AND I'LL START AGAIN."

"Doesn't sound like any kind of spell to me" Astrid stated just loud enough to annoy the wizard.

"OOOOOOOHHHH MY GODDD! AAAAAARRRRRGH!" he began for a second time "I DON'T WANT TO DIE! I HAVE A WIFE AND FIFTEEN CHILDREN... what comes next... oh yes; AND A POOR OLD MOTHER WHO WILL DIE OF A BROKEN HEART IF I SHOULD PERISHED! OH WHY HAVE THE GREAT GODS OF DUNMANIFESTIN FORSAKEN ME? CRYFISTUS ARUNTHOS!

Rincewind pulled a scraggy looking wand, that looked suspiciously like a glorified stick, out of the hidden pocket in his oversized sleave, waved it around his head and completed the incantation with the final three magic words; these were words that would be revered by would be wizards, shamans and obsessed adolescents over multiple dimensions.

"JAHMS... THYBERIOS... KERK!"

A deafening yet familiar crack split the air in front of them and far below, an equally familiar red and green swirling vortex appeared several meters from the ground.

"WELL... THERE IT IS" Astrid yelled "GO ON... JUMP!"

"NOT YET, WE'RE TOO HIGH" Rincewind replied.

"BUT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE FALLING ANYWAY" she argued.

"HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU?" the wizard began, making Astrid sigh.

"I KNOW... YOU'RE A COWARD!"

The young dragon rider reached back over her head and grabbed the shoulders of Rincewind's cloak. The wizard soon realised how Astrid was able to use such a big battleaxe, as she wrenched him out of the saddle and attempted to hurl him into the rapidly approaching vortex. Rincewind's excessively high levels of self preservation kicked in unconsciously as he grabbed onto Astrids sleeves with nothing short of a death grip.

"LET GO!" she cried.

"NEVER!" he replied.

It was soon proven that Rincewind also did not know everything, as Astrid's forehead landed square in the centre of his face. Her unexpected attack had the desired effect as the wizard released his grasp and fell backwards towards the vortex. Astrid heaved a sigh of relief and sat back in the saddle.

"Whew; I'm glad that's... oh shi..."

Ruffnut and Heather stared up at the almost empty sky with growing concern.

"Umm... where are Astrid and Toothless?" Ruffnut wondered out loud.

Just as it had before, the vortex turned in on itself with the same a loud backwards whoosh leaving only a wisp of smoke and the last echoes of the noise it had emitted.

"This... is not good!" Heather declared.

"What can we do?" Ruffnut asked a few seconds later.

"I don't think there is anything we can do" Heather fearfully replied "I think she's on her own with this one."

* (see How to Insult Your Dragon)

And so we are on our way for another year. So far there are six chapters of this story and I hope to keep it under eight. Next one should be up in a few days and so until then, TTFN :)