Pains of Sacrifice

Disclaimer: I own nothing

A/N: So this is a companion story that is a slight sequel and continuation of Lessons in Humility. Some of the first few chapters are going to take place in the past, then a few during the events that occur in Lessons in Humility, and then continuing where that story leaves off (you'll understand why). Hopefully you'll enjoy this as it goes along.

Chapter 1 (Living for Someone Else)

The office was small, much smaller than what some appeared to be. It was a little rectangular room with an oak desk lined up a few feet away from the back wall, and a door beside it. On the desk were numerous pieces of paper and a desktop computer. On the wall behind it, pictures of a family.

Behind her was a wall and door which opened into a hallway. To the left was a bookshelf with numerous self-help guides and the occasional odd cookbook. To the right was an end table and lamp with a chair on either side. She sat in a swivel chair in the center of the room, gazing at an older woman with curly blonde hair cut incredibly short. She had crows feet on the edges of her kindred blue eyes and wore a red shirt tucked neatly into a pair of long jeans.

"Do you see yourself as some sort of hero type?" The woman asked in a calm, quiet voice. Her eyes squinted a bit and her brow furrowed. "Why do you feel like she is your responsibility?"

"You think I'm delusional." It was a statement rather than a question. "Don't you, Miss Wise?" The woman's peach colored lips opened into a circle and she leaned back, shaking her head.

"No, I don't believe you are delusional. I legitimately want to know why you seem to go through great lengths, greater lengths than her parents, to care for her, Katrina."

Leaning forward, Trina clasped her hands between her legs and sighed. "She's my sister. I love her. I care the world for her, and just as you say, Mom and Dad don't do enough. I'm not so delusional as to think she'd ever appreciate or even understand what I've done-what I'd be willing to do for her, but I'm the only one that's really fighting for her." Her misty brown eyes focused on her shoes, tapping gently on the floor. "I love her. She's everything to me…"

"I understand, believe me, I do."

"I need to take care of her. People don't understand her. I have to protect her, I've been protecting her since she was a child-"

"When she almost drowned, correct?"

"Yeah." Trina exhaled and clenched her eyes shut. "She's smart, she's intelligent, but not in the way most are. I mean, there are things she doesn't grasp as well as she could. That's why-that's why I sacrifice so much for her. People just don't get her, they don't understand all the idiosyncrasies." She raised her head, looking Miss Wise square in the eyes. "If you had a sister who you just knew had so much potential, wouldn't you do anything for her?"

The woman pressed her lips firmly together, then sighed. "I understand. I do have a younger brother, he means the world to me as Tori does to you; but that love has to have it's limits. How far are you willing to go, how much are you willing to sacrifice and give up."

Trina looked off to the side as her mind began to wonder, memories swirled in her head as her counselor spoke.

"Are you willing to give up your goals? Your dreams?"

The fog of thoughts in her mind took over as she closed her eyes and sighed.

"I don't understand why you need to do this," Sikowitz complained for the tenth time. Trina held a photograph of Rhonda Rousey, one of the MMA fighters whom she idolized. She caressed the picture gently, unable to look at it. "I know Jason supports this, but-"

"I have to. You just said that Hollywood Arts is about to do away with auditions and start accepting students based off recommendation by relatives or students. So I'll audition, get into the school, and convince Eikner to give my sister a chance."

"You're attending a school with one of the best athletic programs. Jason cannot stop going on about your dreams of going to the Olympics and MMA fighting-and you want to give all that up to join a school on the arts that you don't even care about?"

Trina shrugged. "Only for a bit. Tori's not paying attention well enough in her classes, she's not making the grades. Mom and Dad are blaming the teachers for not knowing how to teach her, and the teachers think she needs to be held back. She's an excellent performer though, and I just know she'd thrive at HA. I just-I just need to get her in."

"Victoria…"

"Besides I talked to Jason about it already, he understands."

"It's not that. I know your parents paid good money to get you into that school you're in now. You might not be able to go back!"

"Tori's worth it, Mr. Sikowitz." She hugged the picture to her chest and raised her voice a bit. "She's worth it. I have to fight for her, I have to get people to know-to see. Just...I'm going to audition. Vote for me, so I can start building a report with the staff and convince Eikner…"

Sikowitz let out a heavy sigh, defeated. "Fine." He shook his head. "I know my nephew will support anything you do, but I don't approve. This isn't you. You won't like it at this school, they're much different. A different culture."

"I will be fine. It's Tori I'm worried about."

Trina scoffed at the sound of her counselor's pen tapping the notebook, it brought her back to reality if only for a second. "Give up my dreams and goals? I don't know that I can say I gave up entirely." Miss Wise tugged back the corner of her mouth and gave Trina a skeptical look. She began to speak, but again, Trina's thoughts went away with her.

"And identity, your values, could you really sacrifice who you are just to take care of your sister? Would you truly sacrifice your emotional and mental health for her?"

"I don't care," Trina screamed at the goth before her. "I spent too much time, gave up too much to let you scare my sister out of this school." Trina shook her finger at the girl, causing her to jerk back. "If you don't like my sister, fine; but at least try to fucking get along with her."

"She put her hands on my boyfriend. I think I have a right to pick on her."

"Pick on me, damn it!" The girl raised an eyebrow. "Tori's different, she's always been different." She lowered her voice and put her hands to her chest. She had to protect her little sister at all costs. She knew the world could be tough, and Tori already had trouble with friendships and even her own family. "I will give anything, do anything to let her have a chance to have some friends here and to have a good life. I will kneel down and kiss your fucking shoes if I have to." Trina grumbled a bit and took a deep breath. "Screw it, I won't beg. I can wipe the floor with you if I wanted to, but I won't. Do not pick on my sister, if you have to go after someone, go after me."

"I'd rather you didn't." The girl smirked and shrugged. "But fine, you want me to pick on you instead, go for it."

As the girl walked away, Trina knew what had to be done. She couldn't trust Jade or her circle of friends to do right by Tori. At the same time, she couldn't just force them to accept her into her group. "I'll find a way to keep watch if I have to." She could forcefully insert herself into their group, but it would mean some serious acting on her part.

"Maybe," Trina muttered, "Maybe I had to pretend to obsess over fame just so I could insert myself into their group every now and then." She leaned forward, her eyebrows rising as she put her hand to her chest. "But I had to do what I had to. For Tori. To protect her. I had to make them think that I was some crazy diva so they wouldn't accuse me of spying or hovering over her."

Miss Wise tapped the pen in the air, sighing with disapproval. "We call that helicopering, and usually associate that to parents. Not siblings."

"I had to, and it paid off. They treat her like a friend now. She goes to them about everything."

"Yes, but to my understanding, she puts you down constantly doesn't she?" Trina bit her lip and looked away. "Even she believes you're a crazed diva." Wise placed her hand down on the notebook and leaned forward. "I start to wonder, do you know yourself just who you really are?"

She jerked back, slightly offended. "Of course I know who I am. I-"

"And what of happiness?" Her heart came to a sudden stop and she looked away in an instant. "Would you be willing to sacrifice your own happiness, throw away your own future just to take care of your little sister? Would you let it all go up in smoke just for her?"

Her voice started to shake as tears erupted from her eyes. "N-N o…No, I-"

Trina clutched a sweat and blood caked rag in her hands, wringing it as she stood outside of Hollywood Arts. It was burning, and the firefighters were having a great deal of difficulty containing the blaze. There was a play that Tori's friends had put on, it drew in a large crowd and everyone was looking forward to seeing it.

Mr. Sikowitz stood nearby, his skin pale and face aghast with horror. His entire family had been there in support because he was directing the play; and some of his relatives had yet to emerge from the blaze. Much like him, Trina was waiting with growing anxiety.

Tori hadn't come out. When she left with her parents, she noticed Tori frozen in fear. She almost went back when her father yanked her from the building. She was doing everything in her power to try and go back inside, to go save her sister; but even Jason wasn't relenting on that.

Then finally, Jason asked her if she needed him to go back in and get Tori. She didn't answer, but her eyes gave it all away. She needed her sister to live. Tori was her world, she'd given up so much so that her sister would have a life. "I'd give up my own life to save her," she found herself saying time and time again.

Only this time, she had to wonder. She almost stopped him as he ran into that burning building. She couldn't find the strength to call out to him, to tell him to let the firemen go in.

Frozen in fear, she realized that she couldn't decide.

She couldn't choose.

Who was more important? She knew that answer, or at least, at one point of time in her life she knew the answer. So much of her life had been lived for Tori, could she truly exist or even be considered a person without her?

Time seemed to draw on as she watched the building crumble before her. Smoke darkened the once blue skies and it began to feel as though her own fate hung in the balance. "Come on. Come out of there. Please." Soon, Tori stepped out of the doors and Trina felt an enormous amount of relief and bliss wash over her. "Oh thank god!"

Tori was caked in soot and covered in blood, but she didn't seem overly injured. Tori looked at Trina, like a deer in headlights, then the girl started to break, tears spilled over her cheekbones and her hands rose over her mouth.

Before she could reach her, Tori pulled away. "What's wrong? Tori? Wha-" Then it hit her as she caught the reflection of her engagement ring in her sister's eyes. The ring that said, once they graduated college, they were going to marry. "Jason. Where's Jason? He went in after you."

She looked at the school, her heart felt as though it were drying up as she watched for his form. When she thought that she saw him, it was only a silhouette of his form, and it vanished on the spot. "No." She dropped to her knees and screamed at the top of her lungs as the rest of the ceiling caved in, blocking the schools exit.

"I'm so sorry," Tori cried, "He was right there. He was…he was right there. I would have died. It was going to crash. He-I'm so sorry."

"I know it's hard to hear," Wise said slowly, "But you cannot live your life through your sister and she can't live your life for you. She won't always be around, and you won't always be able to protect her or guide her. You have to live for yourself, not for another person but for yourself."

"I-I don't know that I can, Miss Wise." Trina chuckled sadly and shook her head. "I've spent so long making sure she'll have something to show for. I don't even know if I know how to live my own life…I-I don't know what to do."

"What do you mean?"

"I lost him, you know." Miss Wise frowned and gave a solemn nod.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bring up the subject in such an insensitive way."

"No, it's okay." She let out a sigh. "I love my sister, and I loved Jason. I-I didn't mean for him to go back in there, to go after her. He did that himself, but…but I thought he would come out with her. Instead, some light fixture crashed on him, pinned him down. He pushed her out of the way at the last minute."

"Trina."

"There's something else. I…" Trina reached into her purse and slowly removed a pregnancy test. Miss Wise's eyes filled with shock, then sorrow. "I can't. I can't be pregnant. I-I can't have a baby. I…"

"Why not?"

"Because Jason's dead." Her heart broke and she shook her head violently. "Because you're right. Because I've lost my mind. I know I'm not in the right place mentally, emotionally. I can't raise a baby, I can't even take care of myself anymore. I-I can hardly function as it is, waking up every morning, crying because Jason won't answer his goddamn phone." She started to weep, her hand clenched firmly around the positive test. "I don't even blame Tori, I don't hold her responsible."

"It's good to hear. That you don't harbor any resentment towards her."

"How? How can I? I'm the only one left that's still fighting for her."

"I understand." Wise pointed to the test, still speaking calmly. "When did you find out?"

"Just recently. After the fire."

"Oh Trina, I…am so sorry."

Her voice started to crack and she turned her head a bit. "My baby's going to be without a daddy and with a mentally fucked up mommy."

"If you could give it some time. I'm sure you've thought about your options, but you need to know you're not alone."

She scoffed. "I've always been alone. Always. Mom and Dad, you know how they are. They care in their own way, but they're not really there."

"Then what are you thinking? Adoption? Abortion?"

"N-No, I couldn't abort Jason's baby. I couldn't." She moved her hands to her stomach as the rivers dried on her cheeks. "Adoption. That's what I'm thinking. I want my baby to have a chance to be with a mommy and a daddy. That's what I want. I-I know I can't raise it."

"What about your family? Do they know yet?"

"No. I might tell mom, I haven't decided. I'm not telling Tori." Wise furrowed her brow and Trina quickly interjected. "I can't. Tori's in bad shape as it is since the fire, she's actually told me she feels responsible for what happened to Jason. If she knew I was pregnant, if she knew I was planning to give the baby up for adoption…she'd think I was doing it because of her or something. I don't want her to feel guilty over any of that."

"Are you sure?"

"It's my decision." She sniffled and straightened her posture. "And maybe the only decision I'm making for myself right now."

"I'm not so sure that decision is for yourself. Not the way you phrased it. It sounds like you're still trying to protect your little sister."

"So what if I am? What choice do I have this time around? I've lost everything else." She cried out and cupped a hand over her mouth. "I know I'll never be an MMA fighter, or go to the Olympics. You know, I wanted to see the Olympics just once, in person, but Dad was never able to take me…"

"Yes, I know the tale."

"I'm depressed, started believing what they all said about me. That I was worthless, no good at anything-and you know they're right. I couldn't even take care of my own life, how could I ever expect to be a good mother, huh? I couldn't be a good enough daughter, I couldn't be a good enough sister, and I wasn't a good enough girlfriend to tell Jason not to go into that goddamn furnace! I could never be a good enough mother…"

"Don't sell yourself short, though."

"Try, but the problem is I can't find it in me to believe." Wise handed her a box of tissues and she graciously grabbed them, applying a tissue to her face. "I deserve all of this. I deserve to be alone-but I'm not really alone, you know."

"How so?"

"…I still have my sister…" Wise arched an eyebrow and Trina screamed out a sob. "Oh god, what's become of my life?"

So here we see Trina at that crucial moment around the time of the fire which is a big part of the other story, and the events revolving around Trina's decision to give up the baby. (That child is an important part of Lessons as well). So we know that the plot of this tale is going to revolve around some of that, and around Trina trying to make a life for herself and figure out her place and role in the world. What are your thoughts on the chapter?