I envy not in any moods
The captive void of noble rage,
The linnet born within the cage,
That never knew the summer woods;

In envy not the beast that takes
His license in the field of time,
Unfetter'd by the sense of crime,
To whom a conscience never wakes;

Nor, what may count itself as blest,
The heart that never plighted troth
But stagnates in the weeds of sloth:
Nor any want-begotten rest.

I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'T is better to have loved and lost
than never to have loved at all.

-In Memoriam A.H.H., Alfred, Lord Tennyson

Jayne

Jayne didn't have a lot of use for introspection; he could barely spell the word, though, thanks to nearly three years around River and Simon Tam he was well aware of what it meant. River was a big part of why he understood a lot more of what Simon said than he let on, and that was how Jayne liked it. His life was a lot easier if Simon thought he was ignorant and stupid on top of it. Not that the doc thought too badly of him, not after Miranda and Mr. U's moon. But Simon had made it plain as the nose on Jayne's face that there was no way in hell a thirty year old merc was anywhere near good enough to look at his baby sister River Tam.

And that was when all Jayne had been thinking of was looking. He hadn't even done much more than think about it, but a year ago the girl had begun wearing clothing that fit her and suited her better than over sized dresses and every part of Jayne that was male had stood up (literally) and taken notice. That had been a crapfest of a day altogether when he couldn't string two words along and complete sentences were beyond his capability because every time he got within smelling distance of River his wedding tackle wanted to announce it self. If the damn thing had a trumpet it would have been blowing it loud enough to wake the dead that Jayne Cobb wanted to get horizontal, vertical and every other 'al' with River Tam.

Simon, thankfully, had just thought Jayne was being more dense than usual. Jayne was grateful for that, not that the doc was what you'd call over observant anyway, but River couldn't help but know. There weren't any secrets from a Reader, even if River had pretty much wrestled her brain into submission these days. She'd waited though, waited until the captain and Zoe and Kaylee and Wash and Simon had all left the mess and he was doing his chore of cleaning up.

And then River Tam had come slipping up to him and apologized for causing him discomfort, as if he wasn't a grown man who could take responsibility for his own damn animal urges. "Did not mean to tempt him," She whispered softly. "Apologies." She'd tilted her head in that uncanny way she had, and asked, "If she returns to her old clothing, will he feel less...fraught?"

"Fraught," Jayne had muttered the word and considered it. "Means, uh...burdened?" She'd nodded and Jayne had shaken his head, "River it ain't your fault."

"She introduced stimuli for which he had no preparation and did not even warn him," River still fell back into her old way of using the wrong pronouns when she was stressed. Back then she'd done it twice as often. "She does not wish her partner to be uncomfortable."

"River, c'mere, and just listen to me, all right?" Jayne had picked her up and sat her on the counter so they were eye to eye. "Now any urges I got, or get, when I look on you, those don't mean you're at fault." When she appeared about to argue he shook his head, "Nope, you're gonna listen to me." River frowned but nodded her agreement and he'd continued, "Now I'm a grown man. Old man like me knows how to control himself. Bein' taken by surprise ain't an excuse for not controllin' my wants. I'm sorry you had to hear that all day. I'll try to stifle 'em and if I'm botherin' you with what I'm thinkin' you just say my last name and I'll know to...switch the cortex to somethin' else."

"Why am I suddenly desirable because of new clothing," River wanted to know. "My body is the same. I haven't changed, only my clothing has. Does this mean that men truly only see the external? That a change in appearance is enough to create attraction?"

"No, that ain't it at all," Jayne had been glad he could reassure her as to that. "No River. I always knew you were a woman. It's been obvious since you popped outa your box that you were. Little on the thin side back then but you had a woman's legs and I took notice a that." Her delighted smile had done something to his belly, twisting it in pleasure and he'd smiled slightly back at her. "No, when you stopped wearin' stuff three sizes too big...well I couldn't pretend I didn't know. Sorta made me realize all over again. And now your brain is workin' right and we work together an' I know just how smart an' deadly an' gorgeous you are. So when I see you in pants that show off that cute little..." He paused, "Yeah, those are more thoughts I need to stifle. But when I see plain as day what I've known all along, and everyone else can see it too...its like my body thought my brain was givin' it permission."

"His knowledge of her was confirmed by others, therefore making him certain of it," River murmured, her pretty lips tilting down in a thoughtful frown as she mulled over his words. "Then her partner has always thought she was beautiful? Even when she was crazy?"

"No; then you were crazy and thinkin' on you woulda been like thinkin' on a child," Jayne shook his head hurriedly. "In my head, I knew you weren't a baby, haven't been for a while, but then? Wouldn't a been right thinkin' on you like that, it... the one time I..." He sighed, "Had a dream about you, about you bein' with me in my bunk, don't rightly remember what I dreamed about us doin', it was after we got Mal and Wash back from Niska, after I found out how you could shoot. But I woke up and I felt... wrong. Felt like I'd wronged you."

"He is not responsible for dreams," River had taken his hand in hers and tried to soothe him. "He is not the same man as the one who would have given me back on Ariel. Changed when he saw what they did to her brain. Changed when he asked Mal to lie about why he was dead."

"Yeah well between you and Book an'..." Jayne remembered he'd had to take a deep unsteady breath at the thought of Book. The shepherd had been his first true friend in a long time of being isolated. River was his second, and just as good, if a different kind of friend. "Like to think I wouldn't do something like that again."

"I know you wouldn't," River had smiled at him. "Jayne, I..." She blushed but she'd looked him in the eye. "Your thoughts don't ever bother me. Not even your dreams bother me. You're honest in your thoughts. You don't lie to yourself. I like that about you. Please don't... don't change who you are."

"Wouldn't be, just be tampin' it down some, so's my idiot body don't stand at attention every time you walk in the room or I get a whiff a your shampoo," Jayne muttered with a wry grin. "Can't keep sayin' 'I'll be in my bunk' for no other reason than you comin' in the room River. Somebody'd notice eventually."

Her giggle had been sweet and she'd smiled at him affectionately, "Maybe once you're used to seeing me in these clothes the effect will wear off. I will try to not take you by surprise though, if that will help?"

"Hell River, I don't expect you could be less tempting if you tried," He'd grinned at her and begun loading the dishes into the cleaner.

For going on more than a year he'd been hiding he wanted River from everyone on the crew. He'd hidden that he thought of her as a woman though he made it clear as he could that she was an adult in his eyes. He'd given her free rein of his guns and knives if what was in the armory didn't suit her for a job, taught her smithing and she'd helped him to read better. His writing had improved too, and that was thanks to her.

He'd done everything humanly possible and some things that were down right stupid, like giving the girl whiskey, because she was of age gorramit and she wanted to try some, in order to show the rest of the crew that she was an adult. And it wasn't just because he wanted her. He'd been thinking about that for a year now, more than that really if thinking and then shoving the thoughts deep down and away counted. Jayne Cobb had been thinking on River Tam ever since she got her brain back and turned into a dark angel killing the things that had featured in his every nightmare since he'd seen a town hit by Reavers. He'd only been sixteen but he'd been right, he never had seen any sight so awful as to match that godforsaken town. The only thing that had come close had been hearing what had been done to her.

And here they were, in almost the same situation as they'd been three years ago, coming up on a derelict ship and Mal was trying to say that it wasn't safe for River that she should stay on the boat. Like she wasn't more dangerous than Mal, Zoe and Jayne combined with Wash and Kaylee thrown in for good measure. Jayne sighed and River flicked an amused glance at him, winking to let him know that she'd win the argument in a minute.

She was right, she usually was, and Jayne really wasn't sure why Mal bothered to argue with her anymore. He'd certainly learned when to just give in and let her have her way. She only argued if she was certain of something, everything else, River was happy to step back and let others take care of their own business. She never tried to tell him how to hunt, or track, or smith for instance, and even though he'd taught her to cook, and she was probably better at it now than he was, she didn't ever question him in the kitchen either.

For a genius who could learn everything there was to know about something in less time than it took him to button his breeches she was amazingly circumspect (another River word) about horning in on other people's expertise. She never tried to pilot even though she'd been dying to and had cajoled Jayne into letting her fly the shuttle a few times when Mal wasn't paying attention. She didn't even approach Kaylee in the engine room or Simon in the infirmary. And even though Zoe was dealing with a pregnancy, River hadn't offered to take on any of the first mate's duties, though she was more than capable.

That was part of why no one wanted to see her as an adult, Jayne realized suddenly. It was such an abrupt thought he couldn't understand why he hadn't seen it before. Everyone felt threatened by her, by what she could do, she could replace every one of them with her learning and they didn't want that so they pretended she was still a little girl. Even though River knew that she would be a great technical pilot, she didn't have Wash's gift, could never be a leaf on the wind. She didn't have Kaylee's ability with engines, just the technical knowledge and she could stitch someone up but she'd never be the surgeon Simon was.

River looked at him as she won the argument with Mal. She and Jayne would be among the boarding party, but her eyes were sad. He'd figured out what she'd known for a very long time, and suddenly he was sorry that he'd been so gorram slow. He could have let her steal some more piloting time or played guard if she wanted to lie under Serenity's engine's like Kaylee did.

"Will not hear of my partner thinking he is slow," River's little hand slid into the crook of his elbow as if he were a gentleman to the lady she was. It was a habit she'd developed two years ago and he'd grown right fond of how her hand felt on his arm. "Not when he has subconsciously known the things that the others still deny in every part of their minds."

"It's a sad day when I'm the smartest of the lot of 'em," Jayne agreed and pressed an affectionate kiss to her forehead. "C'mon, I'll let you have your pick of the girls."

"Your girls like me better than you," River teased him. "My hands are softer."

"Are not," Jayne argued automatically, this was one of their games and he loved teasing her. "You got calluses on top a calluses with alla that dancin' and gymnast-icks and sword stuff you do."

"Still pretty little girl fingers, ladies like me better than the big man," River sing songed the words and Jayne uttered a mock growl of anger making her laughter rise up the open hatch of his bunk. "She will take her sword and axe, as well as Matilda. She misses me."

Jayne chuckled, "You may as well keep her River. You know her better than I do these days." He was picking up his chosen beauties and concealing them about his person. "Don't forget a knife or two." He was adding when River threw herself into his arms and kissed him soundly on the lips.

"You mean it Jayne? I can really keep her? But she's yours, you found her and fixed her and took care of her," River was babbling which was just as well because his brain was reeling from that kiss.

"Well," He said when he'd recovered enough to speak. "I guess by that line a reasonin' Simon found you an' he fixed you an' took care a you; that mean he's got the right to keep you in a box someplace 'til he cares to let you out?"

River's jaw dropped and she stared at him in amazement, "Yes." She nodded slowly. "That is...almost exactly..."

"Well that's gorram wǒ kào," Jayne spat the words out. "Matilda is yours. You love her; reckon that makes her yours as much as mine. But you cain't own a person like you can a gun, that ain't right." He was furious, muttering to himself about fool core notions and having a word with the doc about how he was treating his sister until River's soft (no matter what he argued she was right about that too) fingers settled over his lips.

"Partner is very thoughtful, and she, I, appreciate his intentions but they will not be needed," River smiled up at him. "Cannot put her back in the box because she won't go. Cannot turn back time. Cannot make me a child again."

"Go on and get your axe an' sword and don't forget your knives," Jayne told her gruffly. "Or Mal'll take into his head that he don't need his gun hands."

River

River took a deep breath of the derelict's half stale air and looked at Jayne. Her big partner was alert, almost painfully so, memories of a newborn Reaver attacking out of the darkness flooding his mind. "It's all right," She murmured. "I can hear... but the thoughts aren't the screaming of Reavers."

Jayne relaxed but minutely, and looked at Mal behind him, "Stay back anyway though," He cautioned the captain, nodding towards Zoe. "I still ain't easy 'bout her bein' here." Zoe being pregnant and doing her job was one thing, coming aboard a derelict when they didn't know who was on it was another thing entirely and it wasn't good sense. River agreed with her partner's thoughts but shunted them aside in favor of listening for the two minds she'd heard.

"They've sealed themselves into the captain's quarters below the bridge," She said after a moment. "One of them is very weak, she's barely conscious, the other..." River shook her head. "His mind is interesting."

"Interesting? Define interesting," Mal asked from behind them.

"Oh god oh god we're all gonna die?" River retorted using Wash's words. She wasn't being inaccurate though Mal took it as sarcasm. If this was done badly it could go very wrong. "Mal, I'm going to need you and Zoe to stay back. Jayne, please stay behind me."

"He's gonna see me as a threat no matter how much in front of me you stand River," Jayne reminded her quietly. Inside he was annoyed to stand behind her, didn't ever want her to feel she had to protect him on top of everyone else on the boat.

"That's not it," River shook her head, "I don't know what yet... but...I'm sorry it's just important."

"I know better than to argue," Jayne sighed. "I don't like it though." She felt his mind go to the kiss she'd given him once more, the tenth time in a half an hour and a sliver of delight slipped through her as his thoughts recalled the feel of her with pleasure.

"I know," She patted his upper arm consolingly; "I don't like it either. Partners stand beside each other." She cast her mind outward and a thrill of excitement trilled through her. There was something very familiar about the exhausted woman, her mind...

The captain's quarters lay beneath the bridge and past an antechamber that might have been the captain's mess or perhaps a common area for the crew. It reeked of blood and gore, ripped intestines and stomach acid, there were bodies everywhere, and only five of them had bullet wounds, all dead shots to the head. Jayne whistled in appreciation of the shooting and River's excitement grew.

She held up her hand and looked at Mal and Zoe when they paused in the door of the common room, "This is as far as the two of you go," River told them firmly. "Any closer...well the result would be unpleasant."

"I'm with you River," Jayne told her firmly when she turned to him. "You want me behind you I'm there but you ain't goin' near that door without me."

"All right," She nodded and smiled and had to keep herself from running at the door. Instead she approached it cautiously, though without her usual stealth, and taking her lead, Jayne didn't try to muffle his footsteps either.

"I'm guessin' we ain't catchin' anyone by surprise?" Jayne muttered the question and River shook her head in answer.

"He's heard us from the moment we set foot on the ship, before even. He heard Serenity out in the Black, touching on the derelict, vibrations through the ship as we docked. Just has no way to know we're friendly," River was doing something to the lock. "But the Reavers will be back in force once they think enough time has passed that they're weak enough to be taken. We don't have time for him to trust us entirely."

"That why you're pickin' the lock?" Jayne had a grin in his voice.

"Yep," She imitated his accent as the door slid open.

The room wasn't large, but it was dark. One pair of eyes gleaming silver, the other shining faintly; reflecting the emergency light from the hall where River and Jayne stood. The smell of blood was weaker, but it still created a tang in the air. And from the direction of the bright silver eyes was a very loud very deliberately intimidating growl. River ignored him and stepped in the door, her mind reaching for the woman who lay silent in the darkness. "River," Jayne's tone held worry and warning as she stared into the dark.

Her eyes were adjusting and she could see the outline of the man, hugely muscular though not as tall as Jayne, with his panther's gaze, standing in front of the woman, "Is she all right?" River flicked her eyes over to the man, Riddick was his name, more than that, it was his identity. "Did you have access to water in here?"

Another step forward was too much, he growled and he lunged for her, Jayne's hand grasped her collar and yanked her back out of reach, his arms wrapped around her like a living shield, "River."

At the same time, a woman's voice, familiar and still painfully young, cried out, "Riddick, don't." And the huge man stopped short, backing up until he was nearly beside the slender form on the bed.

"Jayne, either let me go or step forward with me but she has to see my face," River insisted as she tried to move and simply couldn't.

"You go, I go," Jayne muttered. And, oh he was angry; she could feel his heart pounding at her back, anger and fear for her and a readiness to slaughter anyone who would harm her. His partner, his friend, his... She let go of the thought, knowing he'd never take it any further. He'd been warned off too many times, been told he wasn't good enough far too often to ever think of her as anything beyond his... whatever she was to him.

"We go then," She murmured and raised her voice, "Jack?"

"I'm waiting," The voice was impossibly young and River shook her head, confused, until she recalled what Simon had told her of her first two weeks on Serenity.

Taking a deep breath she put her hands over Jayne's to hold them in place, "Sunset and evening star, and one clear call for me."

And the voice she remembered from her days in the Academy held a smile, "I envy not, in any moods the captive void of noble rage." She shifted on the bed, River caught the impression of pain and the man Riddick's growl shifted and then eased. "River...this is Richard B. Riddick. Best just call him Rick."

"All right, though my Captain isn't so stupid that he won't recognize the most wanted man in the 'Verse, once he gets on the cortex," River shrugged. "This is my partner, Jayne Cobb. Jayne this is Jack. She's an old friend."

"How'd you find us?" Jack's voice was weak, and laughing still, "Still hearin' things?"

"How'd you know I'd come?" River retorted, "Still seeing things?"

"Wǒ de mā," Jayne's hands tightened on her possessively, "There's two of you?"

"There couldn't be two of me in the 'Verse," River teased him. "You told me once they broke the mold and the mold maker when they made me."

"I weren't wrong neither," Jayne muttered. He was looking at Riddick, "I 'spect if you put on them goggles I can see you got we can hold off on explanations for a while," He glanced back over his shoulder. "Do you need help with your girl?"

"No more than you do with yours," The voice was low and rasping, as if he'd been without water for days. But he slid his arms under Jack and gathered her up into his arms.

River caught a flash of her pain and moaned with the unexpectedness of it, reeling back against Jayne, "Āi yā."

"I gotcha," Jayne scooped her up. "Too much a that and you're going to fall right over." He shook his head and looked at Riddick. "Your girl's in pain. My partner's feelin' it. We got a doc back on the boat. Guess when your Jack feels better River will too."

He led the way back through the common area to Mal and Zoe and nodded at the captain, "We're all clear Mal. Gonna take these two back to Serenity and get Simon to look at them. River says they're both thirsty and the girl's hurt somehow, 's why River's gone wobbly."

"All right, you..." River nearly cursed her captain's stubborn stupidity as Mal gave Jayne a warning look and continued, "You get them fixed up and then I need you back here. We got salvage to be scavenged and if our luck holds we've got less than ten hours before the feds show up."

River groaned, "Will work on the fake ident as soon as my head allows Cap'n."

"Go on then," Mal jerked his head towards the way they'd come in.

8888

Author's Note: So this is a little something I started a few years back and finished up this year. The title has changed a couple times and eventually there'll be a prequel to it, though this can be read as a stand alone. It's a little odd, mostly because I started and stopped with it a bunch of times and I didn't have a really clear plot except to want some of the problems from Chronicles and Serenity fixed.

Some of the folks aren't going to come off as nice as they do in my other stories. And I'm definitely taking some liberties with canon history in places. I hope you'll enjoy it. I was over a hundred fifty pages in and figured I'd better finish it out and start posting it. After all that work, might as well. So have fun!

I'll be posting this a bit less often than my other story, mostly because they both need editing before they're fit to view. But the story is finished so it will be complete posted eventually.

Chinese Translations:

wǒ kào (crap!)

Wǒ de mā (My mother!/Oh my God)

Āi yā (interjection of wonder, shock or admiration)

Quote Sources:

Sunset and evening star, and one clear call for me – Crossing the Bar – Alfred, Lord Tennyson

I envy not, in any moods the captive void of noble rage – In Memoriam – Alfred, Lord Tennyson