A.N. I agree with those who thought chapter one could stand alone. But I was too curious to see what happened next. Two-shot, now complete.

G Words

Chapter 2

She'd been back for a few weeks, really back, and it had felt so good. She'd a thousand times….no, make that a million times….rather be the one helping others than the one who needed help. To be back in the familiar role had been bliss, even considering the nature of what they dealt with every day.

She'd been home for more than a month before Hetty had allowed her back into the field. She'd thought she'd proven herself, having long since left behind the need for help with all but a few things. She just couldn't manage a back button or a zipper, but her lover had always seemed to take delight in handling those tasks, even when she hadn't needed help with them.

And besides, all I ever wear to work are pullover tees.

It had all begun to feel familiar again, even her own body, so long a stranger to her. The relationships she cherished were back in her life, the work that made it all feel worthwhile. She'd been feeling happy, and content. Until just now.

Now, she felt guilty.

Callen had done his best to explain to her what had happened with Deeks. And, really, it shouldn't have surprised her. She'd tried to bring it up to him a few times, and he'd responded by making a joke of it, or changing the subject.

Of course, it didn't help that we were in the middle of a case. And he is Deeks, after all.

The man who loved to talk about any and everything, except his own feelings. Of course, if she was being honest, she'd honed her own avoidance skills to near perfection.

What a pair we are. I can just imagine our kids.

Except that she couldn't quite, which was one of the things she avoided talking about. She still wasn't prepared for that conversation. But that didn't mean she couldn't follow Hetty's orders today.

As they passed in the hallway, Kensi nodded to her OPS manager. She felt Hetty's hand ever so briefly touch her arm, stopping her for a second.

"Callen explained it to me," Kensi told her.

Hetty nodded.

"Don't be alarmed. But don't be complacent, either. You both have work to do."

The extra second Hetty held her gaze told Kensi that the 'work' she'd referenced had nothing to do with NCIS.

"Understood. And, Hetty….thank you."

The older woman gave her a small smile.

"You're welcome. Now go and see to that young man, please."

Kensi smiled. "Yes, ma'am."

He caught sight of her as she rounded the terrace, hanging his head in resignation. Not that he didn't appreciate the chance to spend more time with her. But he felt like it had been brought about because of a failing on his part.

He felt her arms wrap around him as she came up behind him, her chin perched over his shoulder.

"You okay?"

He sighed. "Apparently not."

She'd laid her palm over his heart, and could feel its rapid beating, residua from what he'd been through, and all she wanted to do was to make it better. She tilted her head so she could kiss his cheek, prompting him to land one on the back of her hand.

"I love you," she whispered into his ear.

"Thank God."

She smiled at that, and stood, inviting him to do the same.

"Come on, let's go, before Hetty changes her mind."

He let himself be pulled up, and walked alongside her to the car, in totally un-Deeks-like silence. It was so out of character that Kensi felt like she was traveling in uncharted territory, without a compass. She didn't know which way to go, nor what to do, other than to love him. But, as she drove, instinct took over and answered the geographical part of the question for her, when she found herself making the turn toward the beach, and not toward their home.

Beside her, Deeks didn't seem to notice, until they pulled to a stop at the edge of the sand.

"We're….why are we here?"

She shrugged. "I don't know."

Deeks stared forward, watching the surf roll in, wave after wave after wave. Finally, he opened the door and got out of the car. Kensi followed his example, catching up to him as he set foot on the sand, happy when he extended his hand to her. They walked down toward the water together, until Deeks stopped, and stood, and stared once again.

"It felt like this," he said.

Kensi turned to him, not understanding, but somehow afraid to say so. It seemed so important that she get inside his head today.

He was aware enough to realize he'd been cryptic. Part of him wanted to leave it that way, to not examine too finely what he'd gone through today, nor during her ordeal.

Because, he argued to himself, that's what it was. 'Her' ordeal. It's like I told her, I was just along for the ride. Really, what did I have to do besides sleep on a couch?

He'd no sooner finished the thought when he was startled to hear the echo of Hetty's words chastising him for avoidance, largely because he heard them spoken in her voice. She'd told him he needed to work through how it had all affected him. The grief, the fear, the hopelessness each time Kensi's progress had taken a step backward. The gratitude, at the end.

It wasn't in his nature to dwell too long inside his own mind. There were too many ghosts of a childhood filled with trauma, a youth filled with questionable choices, and an adulthood in which he'd encountered, and sometimes absorbed, the pain and suffering of far too many other unfortunate souls, in addition his own. If he spent too much time visiting that past, he'd long feared, he might get lost in it.

But there was also a part of Marty Deeks that was a philosopher. A part that touched upon all of those things he'd come to know about humans, both good and bad, without delving too deeply. That part of him knew the truth of what Hetty had said. It demanded his attention now, and would not be silenced.

Obedient to it, he lowered himself to the sand and patted the space next to him, inviting Kensi to do the same.

"It came over me, just like a wave. I didn't see it coming, didn't know what it was. I just knew I had to get out of there before I made a fool of myself." He laughed derisively. "I know, why start now, right?"

His eyes were on the surf, while hers studied him.

"Stop it. You're not a fool. Something happened to you. Callen said it all caught up with you, the time in the hospital, my recovery…..everything."

He dropped his gaze to the sand. "Kind of."

She reminded him. "Do you remember, I tried to ask you about it. I realized there were ways in which you'd been through more than I had. I don't even remember the accident, or the time after. But you lived through all of it."

He'd never told her about it. Never wanted to revisit the pure terror of them not being able to get her out. Of trying time, after time, after time to move the immovable copter from atop her. Of the moment she'd stopped responding to him, and his fear that he'd already lost her. He'd never even told her about those few precious seconds of relief after Callen and Sam had yoked themselves to the infernal machine and tilted it just enough for him to pull her out. Never told her about the fright that had come upon him a moment later, when he'd gotten a glimpse of the state of her leg, and the blood she'd lost.

Never told her, nor Callen, nor Sam, nor anyone, the guilt he'd felt, wondering if he'd hurt her, if his pulling and pushing and tugging at her had made her injury worse.

Deeks shook his head. He didn't know what was wrong with him. Those images had haunted his days and nights for months, but they hadn't broken him down. He'd barricaded them with work, and watchfulness over Kensi, never allowing them more than a split second's intrusion into his consciousness. But now, today, he felt so raw, he had such precarious control of his emotions…..he struggled as mightily as he knew how, but the memories of that time brought salt and water together in his eyes, and they began to overflow once again.

Kensi saw the wetness brimming his lids, and felt her heart catch. She'd seen so many of his moods. She'd seen him serious, and solicitous, and sympathetic. She'd seem him angry and righteously indignant. She'd seen him deeply moved, she'd seen him unable to speak. But she'd never seen him weep.

"Babe…." Reaching her arms around him from her place beside him. "Tell me. I'm right here, next to you. Nothing can hurt me now. Nothing, except not being able to help you."

He looked over at her, and then slowly turned his face back to the ocean. It was a few minutes before he felt it safe to speak.

"I thought I would lose you right there. We couldn't get you out, and I thought you would die right in the middle of that godforsaken desert. And I remember thinking, 'if she does, I'm going to just lie down and stay here with her, forever'.

The shaking of his voice, and the simple statement of defeat, the idea that he'd wanted to die with her, brought Kensi to tears as well. Still holding him, she leaned her head in and laid it against his shoulder.

"I made a lot of promises out there in the desert. Told the Big Guy I would do anything if only He would let you live. When I saw your leg, I told Him I didn't even care about that. Just please give my Kensalina back to me."

Such a little thing, but she was profoundly moved by the idea of him using one of his pet names for her as he pled for her life. To Kensi, it felt emblematic of their relationship, as full of affection as it was of their deep, abiding love.

"Guess you must be on the right side of that Big Guy, because I'm here."

Reminding him gently that all of the things they were talking about were in their past.

Deeks nodded. "Yeah, well I didn't stay there long. Because I thought the most serious injury was to your leg. When the doctors told us about your spine….God, Kens, I thought it was my fault. I thought I'd pulled you too hard, or twisted you, or shoved you the wrong way, trying to get you out."

That caught her completely off guard. The thought that he'd been carrying that particular burden….

"Oh, no, babe, no! The only thing you were responsible for was saving my life."

She shifted around to be in front of him, and took his face in her hands, demanding his eyes.

"Please don't ever believe otherwise. You didn't hurt me, you could never hurt me. All you did was to love me, and encourage me, and bear with me."

She saw something flash across his features, and it triggered a barely imprinted memory from early in her recovery. That first memory was followed by several others, and the whole cascade caused her to sit back, with the astonishment of discovery.

"Oh. Oh, my God, I was awful to you."

He started to deny it, but she wouldn't let him.

"No. We're supposed to be talking about this, remember?" Closing her eyes in anguish. "God, I was awful. All you ever did was try to be patient with me, and give me reasons to hold on, and I kept pushing you away, shoving all of your kindnesses back in your face."

Getting more upset with each word, and each memory. Her emotional response pulled Deeks out of his own.

"Kens, Kens, no. You weren't awful. You were going through something life-altering. Scary. Something that... you couldn't know if it would end. I understood that."

"But I kept pushing you away! And I know how much I hurt you. I remember the look on your face!"

Tears flowing now, and it was Deeks' turn to comfort her. He pulled both of her hands into one of his own, and cupped her cheek with the other.

"We were both in a lot of pain then, Kens. As much as I wanted to be there for you, I was afraid that I wouldn't know how. Or that I wouldn't be enough. I was afraid of failing you, and that was the last thing I wanted. So, yes, of course it hurt, but not because of what you said to me. There was nothing I wanted more than to comfort you, and you weren't ready to be comforted. That's all it was. It was the situation, baby. It wasn't us."

Her eyes bored into his, hoping to see what he'd said as truth. Praying for it, because the last thing she ever wanted to do was to hurt him.

Punch him, maybe. But not hurt him at his core.

He smiled tentatively, trying to draw one from her. "Yes? Deeks is right, right? Just say it, it won't kill you. Deeks is right."

He always, always knew how to make her laugh.

"Okay, yes, Deeks is right. But I'm still sorry."

He pulled her closer, and kissed her.

"Apology accepted. And, just so we're on the same page about all of this…..Kens, it's true I went through something this morning, and it's true that a lot of what happened these past few months caught up with me. But it's also true that I'm still wearing my big boy pants. I can stand up to it. You don't need to be taking it all onto your shoulders. Some things just 'are', they're nobody's fault. Can we agree on that?"

She gave him a reluctant smile. "Are you trying to get me to say that you're right again?"

He grinned, really grinned, for the first time today.

"Only if you think I am."

She returned the smile. "You are."

"As usual."

"Don't push your luck."

She took him home then, and they spent the rest of the day enjoying the fact that they had it together.

He made her join him in cooking a fancy lunch, and then tolerated two episodes of Top Model. She pretended to watch a Clippers game he'd recorded. It should have become a carefree, gifted day off, but it never quite got there.

Kensi noticed her lover receding into himself as the day progressed, and she worried that she hadn't succeeded in 'tending' to him as Hetty had instructed. By early evening he'd become nearly silent, his gaze reflective, an underlayment of sadness dimming his features. Kensi Blye, master ignorer, couldn't ignore it any longer. Not after what had happened that morning. She joined him on the sofa.

"Penny for your thoughts."

On any other day, he would have put her off, made a joke about something, changed the subject. But this day had been different, and his response was different as well.

"I guess I was just thinking of the other 'G' word. The other side of the coin."

She snuggled into him. "Gratitude? As in we have so much to be grateful for?"

He reached his arm around her, and pulled her closer.

"That one. And another one, one that Hetty didn't mention."

"Which is?"

"Guilt."

"Guilt? About what?"

Pushing up, turning to look at him, trying to read his features once again. Waiting him out, as he tried to untangle his thoughts.

"I guess I was thinking about all the things I have to be grateful for, you know? You, more than anything, and that you're back. The truly incredible fact that you love me."

She smiled, as he continued.

"Also the fact that I have a roof over my head. Monty. There's so much I take for granted. Thinking about it took me right back to the hospital. Kens, there was so much pain there, so much sorrow. Every time there was an emergency on the floor, or a code…. I thanked God that it wasn't you. But I also realized that it meant that someone else had died, or come close. That there was someone else who wasn't going to get a happy ending."

It was something she'd experienced as well, and she told him about it.

"The whole time I was in rehab, I would look around me and see people with such devastating injuries. There was no chance that they were going to regain the use of an arm or a leg, because they no longer had them. And I felt so guilty, that I was making progress, and they weren't. I felt guilty about ever even complaining about my own problems."

He pulled her back down to him, and held her close.

"Tell me about it. Every time I've done my homeless cover, I've had the same experience. Sure, it's tough spending a few nights on the streets, but at least I know it's only a few nights. Not like the others, who see nothing ahead of them but night after night after night of the same. What makes me so different from them? It's not like I'm more deserving."

She'd posed the very same question to herself, on more than one occasion.

"We're not, I guess. We're just blessed. And maybe we'll never understand it. Maybe all we're supposed to do, is to be aware of it, and grateful for it."

"That was the thing, I think. That's what hit me this morning. When you were in the hospital, when it took you so long to wake up…. I forced myself to let go of us ever having a normal life again. Hetty said I grieved it, and maybe I did. But it also helped me realize exactly what was important to me, and what I could live without. And I realized that I could live without 'normal', if I had to …..but I couldn't live without you."

Kensi reached her arm across him, squeezing.

"You have me, sweetheart."

"I do." He nodded. "That's what did me in. It's like Hetty said. I had a moment of awareness. Here, I'd been prepared to give it all up, to do whatever I needed to do to help you adapt, if only I could have you back. And then, today…I know how hard you had to work for it, but …..there you were, back at OPS, back with the team, laughing and joking, and fighting the bad guys, just like before. Just like nothing had happened. And I realized that I'd been given all of it. Everything I'd asked for, and everything I'd been resigned to giving up. There was nothing I'd done. No reason I deserved it more than someone else. But it was given to me, all of it. I remember thinking that, and then, the next thing I knew, I was on my knees."

Reminded of how overwhelmed he'd been, driven by her own need to console, every bit as aware as he was of the gift they'd been given, Kensi longed to hold him, to feel the weight of him against her. She shifted their positions, moving up on the sofa, so that she could put her arms around him, and draw his head to her chest. When he nestled in with a huge sigh, she could feel how much he'd needed it.

"Some things are too big for words, 'G' or not. You showed your gratitude."

He ran his fingers up and down her forearm.

"Or it showed me. I think I'm gonna ask the Big Guy if He can tone it down, in the future."

She giggled. "Maybe all He really wants is for us to pass it along. You know, to do something with the grace we've been given."

"Grace. Another 'G' word?"

"Damn good one, if I say so myself."

"I don't think you're supposed to curse in front of the Big Guy."

"Shut up."

The exchange inserted a bit of normalcy into a day that had seemed anything but. Emotionally spent, they lay in blissful silence for a long time, touching, kissing, holding, being. As night fell, Kensi decided she hadn't quite completed the mission she'd been appointed by their OPS manager. So she rose, and pulled him with her, and brought him to their bed.

There, she dutifully followed Hetty's instructions, and ever so slowly, and lovingly, she tended to Deeks.

For which he was very, very grateful.