A.N. First NCIS LA story, after a gazillion for Criminal Minds.

I am way late to this dance, as I only just started watching this show, nine seasons in. It's on four different stations, which means I'm watching things in the most discombobulated order possible, and am still trying to figure out which way is up. But I have fallen in love with a certain shaggy blonde character, even if I would sometimes want to slap him upside the head if I actually had to work with him.

The joy of coming to NCIS LA fanfiction so late is that there are so many good stories, by some very talented authors. I don't think I'll ever know these characters as well as they do, but I'm good for a post-ep now and then. In discombobulated order.

Post-ep for 'Impact' 5X02

Lionheart

Sam Hanna was used to approaching doors. He was used to kicking them open, and rushing through to impose his presence, and a certain element of justice, on those within. Doors never intimidated him. Except this one.

This one separated him from a roiling cauldron of emotion, and he still wasn't sure why he'd taken it upon himself to breach it. He just knew that he had to. That he owed it to the cauldron.

So, not finding a bell, he knocked on the door, and stepped back to wait. His instincts as an investigator brought his hand to rest on the board leaning against the wall. Not that he was actually there to investigate. Or maybe he was. Regardless, he hoped the dampness that met his palm was a good sign.

He knocked again, a bit more insistently this time. It had taken a long internal pep talk for him to make the decision to come, and he wasn't about to leave without accomplishing his task.

His peripheral vision caught a dip in the blind, telling him he'd been spied. Now it was a matter of hoping he'd pass muster. Or inspire irresistible curiosity. Whichever it was, it seemed to have worked, and resulted in a turning of the doorknob, and the opening of the door.

Marty Deeks had to blink several times to convince himself he wasn't seeing things. It would have been just his luck to add visual hallucinations to the voices rattling around in his head. So, even though he recognized the figure in front of him, he had to ask.

"Sam?"

The former Seal took in the appearance of the man inside. Sam had easily another forty pounds on Deeks, maybe more at the moment. But, despite the fact that the two were equally tall, Deeks looked like a smaller version of himself. Turned in. Stooped. Weary. World weary. Fight weary. Life weary.

"Hey. I just…" Not quite knowing how to continue, despite practicing it in the car, but forcing himself to find the words. "I just wanted….I thought I'd stop by. See how you're doing."

The younger man ran a hand through his unruly mop, his go-to move when he was uncomfortable with the attention being given him.

"I'm … fine….I'm okay."

"Really? Because I notice we're having this conversation here, at your place, and not at the mission." Without invitation, Sam made his way past Deeks and into the living space. "Not to mention you look like crap."

Deeks' hand was back in his hair, his eyes on the ground.

"I'm….better."

Sam turned around and faced him. "Really? You looked worse than this before?"

Deeks couldn't help but give a small smile at that. But the truth was, he was a little better today.

"I got some sleep last night. First time in a long time. In weeks, actually."

Sam Hanna was familiar with sleep deprivation. It had been part of his torture training, back in the day. And then it had been part of his parent training. He ruminated a moment on the idea that Deeks had been saved from one form of torture, only to have his body inflict another upon him.

"That's good. That's good. A body can't do without sleep."

"A mind can't, either." Seeing that Sam didn't seem about to leave, Deeks waved him to the sofa. "Want something to drink?"

"If it has anything to do with acai or goji berries, no thanks. But I could handle some water."

Teasing the southern California lifestyle of his teammate. Sam looked about the room, noticing a pile of papers on the floor, a few stray bottles and glasses strewn about. And the blinds. The blinds were closed, in the middle of the day.

Maybe he was still trying to sleep. Ever think of that, Genius? Sorry, if he'd interrupted the process.

But it was more likely that he was seeing evidence of the depression that Sam had known would inevitably set in, afterward. He saw the blinds as a sign that Deeks was still living in a dark place, both inside and outside. He looked up when he saw the younger man return.

"So, how'd you finally make it happen? Those new age tapes Hetty said you were using?"

Deeks' eyes widened, ever so slightly, at the idea that Hetty should have been discussing him with the team. But, he realized, they were a man down, and needed a status report, just as she had.

And they're worried. Hell, I'm worried, too.

In the absence of a response, Sam made another guess. "Wait…it was Nate, wasn't it? You met with him after I did, didn't you?"

That really blew Deeks' eyes wide. "You met with Nate?"

Sam was glad for the opening. "Yeah, I met with him. Hetty ordered it. I didn't think I needed it, but, you know, the boss is the boss. It was all right."

Deeks stared at the floor, speaking so softly that Sam had to lean forward to hear him.

"I didn't want to meet with him, either. I mean, I did, I even got all the way to the boatshed. But I.. I don't know, I couldn't bring myself to go inside. He found me later, on the beach."

Sam smiled. "Surfer boy."

Deeks returned the look. "Yeah. Haven't been much of that for a while either. But the water always pulls me. Something about the rhythm of the waves…..and just the sheer size of the ocean. It always makes me feel so small. I guess I always hope my problems will feel smaller, too."

Sam leaned forward, forearms on his knees. "Does it work?"

Deeks flashed him a quick look, before settling his gaze into the middle distance.

"Sometimes. Not this time."

Sam nodded his understanding. Then he heaved a sigh in anticipation of saying that thing he'd come to say.

"Listen, Deeks. I won't pretend I know the right answer to any of the questions you're asking yourself. But I do know one thing, and I want you to know it, too. You're hurting because of what you went through…..not just the physical pain of it, but the helplessness. Even more than that, you're hurting because you came face to face with the purest kind of evil, and it rattled your soul."

He could see Deeks open his mouth to form a reply, but Sam wasn't finished yet.

"Please, let me say what I have to say. You and I…we're different. I know, I get on you about the hair and the scruff and the surfer dude life. Those are the ways we're different. But we both got into the businesses we got into because we care what happens to people. We want to keep them safe. We want to keep them from knowing the kinds of terrible things people sometimes do to one another. We're good at what we do, but the truth is, we're usually not in the middle of it. We're chasing it, or we're ahead of it, but we're not 'it'. This time, we were."

It resonated with Deeks, the thing that made this time different. The thing that made him the same as every victim he'd ever saved, or tried to. Among a thousand other things, it had made him question his identity, and his worth. If he couldn't save himself, how could he hope to save anyone else? What good was the promise of his best, if his best wasn't good enough? Desperately hoping for an answer, he looked to the man across from him.

"But you're already back. I can't even have a coherent conversation with myself, let alone run after bad guys."

"I'm back because I'm trained. The Navy taught me how to separate my mind from my body, how to become an observer, and not a participant. The man who was beaten and electrocuted wasn't me. It was my body, but it wasn't 'me'."

Pained blue eyes bored into his. "I don't know how to do that." Deeks shook his head, unable to fathom it. "I mean, it was me, every second of it. Every time he drilled into a tooth, every time he hit a nerve ending, it was me. And I couldn't do anything about it but suffer through it."

Sam tried to disabuse his colleague of that misconception.

"You did more than that. You kept your head, and you didn't give Michelle up to them. If you'd gotten lost in it, you would have done anything to make it stop. But you didn't. You accepted the pain, because you wanted to save Michelle. You had a choice. And you chose to save her."

"I couldn't give her up. What would they have done to her?! I couldn't let that happen to anyone, let alone to your wife!"

Sam leaned forward again. "That's what I wanted to say to you. I learned how to detach myself, but you stayed in touch with your heart. You saved Michelle….hell, before it all, you saved me from drowning, even knowing it would put you into their hands. And then you saved Michelle….twice. You did it because of that big heart of yours."

He waited a beat, hoping to see his words penetrate.

"I know I tease you about it, that you wear it on your sleeve, and all that touchy-feely stuff you're into. But your heart is what saved my life, and the life of my wife. My children still have parents because of you."

Deeks couldn't find his voice. He could only close his eyes in a vain attempt to contain the tears that wanted to escape them. Sam's words had added another layer to the emotional turmoil within, even if they'd been meant to soothe.

Seeing his friend's predicament, Sam reached over and patted Deeks' knee.

"I just wanted you to know that, brother. I know you're hurting. Sometimes, I wish I could hurt that much again. Maybe I would have, if I'd lost Michelle. Just….don't fall into the trap of thinking you're weak just because you suffered. That came from your strength. I want to make sure you understand that."

The younger man swallowed thickly, and cleared his throat.

"It wasn't my heart that was my strength. It was where I went to in my head. My own version of detaching, I guess, except it felt more like connecting."

"With what?"

"With whom. Kensi. I just kept thinking about her, and all the time we've been together, and how I didn't want to let her down by getting myself killed. Even though.."

"Even though dying became pretty attractive, at some point."

"Yeah."

"So…Kensi." Trying not to smile, in spite of the situation.

"Nate seemed to think it was something about her, too. About our partnership. He said I needed to figure out what was unique about it."

Sam was about to lose the battle with his smile. "Unique."

Deeks finally made eye contact. "What?"

"Nothing. Just…. is she enough to bring you back? Have you even seen her?"

Aware, as was the rest of the team, that Deeks had been eschewing contact with all of them. So he was surprised at the answer he received.

"She helped me sleep."

"Uh…excuse me? She what?"

"She came over last night, with dinner. And she wanted to watch a movie, but I fell asleep while she was still talking, before it even started. I didn't wake up until this morning."

When he'd found himself stretched out on the sofa, head nestled into pillows, and the rest of him covered with a blanket. It would have felt cozy, save for the absence of the person responsible.

"You hadn't slept since it happened, until she came to see you?"

Deeks misunderstood. "Don't tell her, okay? I don't want her to think I find her boring."

Sam laughed outright. "My man, you really did rattle your brain. Have you ever actually been in a real relationship?"

The expression that appeared on Deeks' face was a comical combination of incredulity and guilt.

"What relationship? She's my partner."

Sam rose, patting Deeks on the shoulder as he did.

"She's your partner, whose presence made you feel safe enough to sleep. Listen, don't underestimate that. I met Michelle when we partnered with the CIA, and now she's my life partner."

Deeks stood as well, still a bit perplexed.

"So…what are you saying?"

Not quite sure what he wanted to hear, or even what he felt himself, let alone what Sam might think about it.

"Nothing. I'm not saying anything. Just… go with your strength. If that's your heart, then go with it. It might get a little broken, now and again. But you'll find a way to heal it." He paused, before adding. "It wouldn't hurt if you spent some time figuring out where to find your heart, either."

Finished now. He'd said what he'd come to say. It would either help, or it wouldn't, but at least he'd done what he could. The rest would be up to Deeks.

As the two men walked to the door, the younger posed a question.

"Do you think you can trust me, if I come back?"

Sam just chuckled to himself, both a little frustrated and a little resigned. He turned to face Deeks.

"I know I told you before that I couldn't trust you as much as I could someone else. But that was before. Now, I trust you with my life, because you held that trust that day, when it mattered, and you came through for me. I told you, I won't make that mistake again."

"But… I kind of freaked out, after. Hell, I'm still a little freaked out. Doesn't that change things?"

Sam shook his head.

"Only if you let it. A lesser man would have tried to shake it off, not respected it enough to wait until he was ready. You care enough to know you need to be whole if you're gonna be in the field. You know you owe it to your partner, and your team, and all the people who will never know what we've done to keep them safe. You respect it. And I respect that."

Deeks nodded, taking it in. "You think Callen feels the same way?"

Sam wasn't at all sure about that, but he didn't want to dash the small flicker of hope he'd just seen in Deeks' eyes.

"G has the responsibility of the team. He'll want you to show him. But, yeah, he'll get it."

To Sam's eye, his younger colleague stood just a bit taller at that, looking less defeated than he had an hour ago. Best to leave him to work through the rest on his own, from a position of strength.

"Felt the board on the way in. You been hitting them?"

Deeks gave his first genuine smile. "Just this morning. I'm a little out of shape."

Sam nodded understandingly. "Can't let too much time pass, or you lose your footing."

Deeks got the message. He extended a hand to his unexpected visitor.

"Thanks. I, uh…" Left hand running through his hair again. "… I appreciate what you said. What you did. Really."

Sam clapped him on the back.

"See you soon, man."

"See you soon."