My Dear Subordinates

A Hellsing Fanfiction

Summary: Whether they lead an organization of vampire hunters, Catholic crusaders, or Nazi vampires, every leader has to deal with annoying subordinates. Inspired by the Bleach fanfiction, "Please Stop Eating the Hell Butterflies."

Hello Everybody! Like I said in the summary, this was inspired by "Please Stop Eating the Hell Butterflies" and uses the same format, but the idea's used should be original, and I hope you enjoy reading it. Also, I'm using a mix of the Canon and Abridged personas for the characters, since it makes it easier to fit some of the jokes. The M rating is for language, there shouldn't be any adult content otherwise. Lastly, this is my first fanfiction, so feedback of any kind is appreciated!

A Memo to the Following Members of the Hellsing Organization, from

Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing:

Alucard:While playing it is admittedly one of the less catastrophic habits you've picked up, you have to turn down the loud, angry rock music emanating from your chamber. I understand that you're bored when you don't have things to kill on a regular basis, but it's putting the soldiers on edge, and more importantly, I can't get any paperwork done! Addendum: When I said to turn it down, I meant to the point that I couldn't hear it any longer, not turn the volume switch half a degree down, damnit!

Seras Victoria:Regardless of what Alucard may have led you to believe, the official motto/battle cry of the Hellsing Organization is "In the Name of God, Impure Souls of the Living Dead Shall be Banished to Eternal Damnation," NOT "DIE MOTHERFUCKER DIE." Please insure that you are shouting out the correct phrase while in combat.

Walter C. Dornez: I'm very happy that you've found a hobby in tabletop gaming. However, allowing your obsession with it to lead to you request Alucard to role play one with you was ill advised, and nearly led the destruction of the entire manor. As this has been the first incident you've caused in the entire time I've known you, I simply ask that you clean up everything that got destroyed. See that this doesn't happen again.

A Memo to the Following Members of the Iscariot Organization, from Enrico Maxwell:

Father Alexander Anderson: I applaud your initiative, I really do, but for the last time, we can't keep breaking you out of jail every time you try to assault someone for not following the Lord Almighty, or for being fond of vampire fiction for that matter. These filthy sinners will get what's coming to them, but for the time being you have got to be patient.

Heinkel Wolfe/ Yumie: Carrying your guns/katana out in the open while in public is not only illegal, but it immediately alerts any vampires you may be hunting. Please keep your weapons concealed better in the future.

A Memo to the Following Members of the Letztes Battalion, from The Major:

First Lieutenant Rip Van Winkle: I of all people understand your love for particularly gruesome opera plays, but I would prefer that you would not strong-arm your coworkers into performing a reenactment of "Der Freischütz." Unless of course the deaths in the play are real, in which case I give my full support and will be wanting front row seats of the carnage. Addendum: Sadly, I have been informed by Herr Doctor that murdering our troops, especially when they number less than a thousand, is somewhat of a poor strategy for our long term goals. I therefore reluctantly retract my previous statement. Maybe you could find some Englishmen to take part in your play instead?

First Lieutenant Zorin Blitz: You have neither the skill nor the authority to give magical illusion tattoos to your coworkers. Yours are rather unique, why don't you keep them that way?

Warrant Officer Schrodinger: While we are still on the fence as to whether or not your tendency to flaunt your ability to be "everywhere and nowhere" is endearing or obnoxious, suddenly appearing in front of your coworkers while they are in the shower most certainly falls into the latter category. Please refrain from doing so in the future.

The Captain: Please stop going out in public in full SS uniform and growling at the people staring at you. We are supposed to be a secretive shadow organization, remember?

"The Dandy Man" Alhambra: If you are going to challenge people to a game of poker, please refrain from using your magic set of cards. We have had too many complaints of cheating, as well as people getting their hands cut off, though to be fair the latter offence was pretty funny. Addendum: Alright, alright Doc! I'll stop encouraging our soldiers to kill each other!