A/N:

Post-war, Severus is incapacitated and hospitalized. Hermione is his only visitor.

Inspired by the Metallica song "One," which is about a severely wounded WWI soldier.

-AL


THIS USED TO BE LIFE

A Severus & Hermione One-Shot

He hadn't expected to live through the war.

He knew he was gone when the snake sank her fangs into his neck.

But he tried to staunch the wound.

He held a handkerchief to it.

He had a few moments of fight in him.

And then

And then

And then

He didn't.

He knew it was over. He accepted the end.

He gave up his memories, the best, the worst.

Then he looked into Harry's eyes -

No -

Lily's eyes.

He looked into Lily's eyes

And felt the life drain out of him.

-0-0-0-

He opened his eyes to bright light

Bright light shining into his face from the tip of a wand

Bright light that obscured the facial features of his savior, but

Gave her an ethereal glow

And formed a halo over her brown, bushy hair.

He thought he was dreaming

He thought he might already be dead

Maybe she was an angel.

Were there such things as angels?

-0-0-0-

He felt no pain. For the first time in twenty years

Twenty years

He felt no pain

This must be the other side of the veil.

What lies beyond.

He let himself drift back into blackness

He wondered, if angels are real

Could there be heaven

And hell?

Where would he go?

Heaven was for heroes, people with good hearts

Hell was for those who'd sinned

And killing was a sin.

"You alone know whether it will harm your soul..."

Those were the words of Dumbledore, who sought

To protect Draco Malfoy

At all costs.

"Will you make the Unbreakable Vow?"

He would. He did.

He saved the boy, he served the man -

But at what cost?

-0-0-0-

The next time he opened his eyes, it was again to find he was not

Alone.

Bushy brown hair

But no halo.

Facial features, vaguely familiar

Blurred.

"You've suffered some vision loss," said the voice of a

Woman

He didn't know.

She was not the angel.

You cannot speak, said the angel. But I believe you can

Hear. You cannot

Walk,

Said the angel. Nor can you move

Independently, but I believe you can

Feel.

The angel stood beside him, to the right.

She took his hand. Hers were freezing.

"Speak again, bright angel!" he wanted to scream.

He knew that voice

From somewhere.

Who was she?

-0-0-0-

She came often. Sometimes he

Pretended

To be asleep.

But she stayed anyway

Waiting. And reading.

She read to him during every visit.

The Daily Prophet, Potions Quarterly

The Sunday Times

Even the bloody Quibbler.

He liked it best when she brought books -

Muggle mysteries and classic literature.

It felt easier to escape

Mentally

Into the worlds of Muggles he could only imagine

Than to put himself back into

The world he once knew.

-0-0-0-

Sometimes, she'd take his hand.

Hers, it seemed, were always freezing -

Or maybe his skin was on

Fire.

I did the best I could, sir, she

Whispered

One day

While a nurse roughly adjusted his pillow

And fed him through a tube.

You didn't deserve

To end up

This way.

-0-0-0-

They thought he was

Blind

They said he was

Blind

They were certain he was

Blind, but

He could see vague colors and shapes

Her bushy brown hair

Shimmering light, little black dots

That danced before his vision

And made him dizzy.

He wanted to tell them he could

See

He wanted to better see

Her.

He knew her voice

He'd heard it before

He could picture her as she was,

Hand in the air,

Eager to answer his questions.

Why did she visit so often?

Couldn't she see it was a

Waste

Of her time? He was

Lost

To the world.

Professor, I did everything

Everything I knew how to do

But I was

Young

And

Inexperienced

Not a

Healer, not even

A fully educated witch.

I'm so sorry, sir.

I'm so sorry.

-0-0-0-

He tried to make noise

In his throat

To gurgle or groan

Or growl

Or grunt.

Anything.

Anything to tell them

He could hear

He was here.

-0-0-0-

Sir, I know it's silly, but could I ask you

For advice?

He imagined himself cocking an eyebrow.

Advice? From me?

He would ask.

Surely not, Granger. I am not your

Friend

Lover

Confidant.

But for some reason, he saw himself

Nodding

And hoping he could help.

Sir, the war's only been over a year

One year, as of tomorrow,

And I don't know... I don't know

Yet

Who I am.

I do not think I'm

Recovered.

I cannot move on with my

Life.

Ron's asked me to marry him.

Marry him!

But I don't know

I don't know

I don't even know who he is anymore.

I don't know myself.

Part of me wants to

To

To

To

(She was crying now)

To run away and never return.

I feel alone

I've never felt so

Alone.

How did you life your life

In solitude?

What should I do?

Don't leave, he wanted to say

Don't run. Please return.

Your voice is all that's keeping me

Alive.

-0-0-0-

Time passed and she wasn't there.

He could not know

How many

Days

Weeks

Months

Years had gone by, maybe, as he had no way to track the

Time.

-0-0-0-

He wished he'd died.

Every

Damn

Day

He wished he was dead.

She'd tried to save him...

She HAD saved him...

But for what?

And then

And then

And then

There she was.

Sir, I'm sorry. It's been so long since I last

Saw

You.

I was so

Very

Sad, you see.

The Healers here,

At St. Mungo's,

They did all they could to help my parents.

Were her parents ill? Weren't her parents

Muggles?

I erased all memories of

Myself

From them

And gave them new identities

Before going on the run with Harry

And Ron.

Ah. That explained it.

But damn.

Such

Powerful

Magic.

She truly was the brightest witch

Of her age. Even if she could be

An Insufferable

Know-it-all.

The Healers said

They said

They said

They said

(She was crying again)

They said nothing can be done.

I permanently

Damaged

Them. They'll

Never know who I am.

Oh, he thought. That's

Awful.

While he wanted to forget

His own parents

Often,

He couldn't imagine being forgotten.

I had a bit of a breakdown,

Sir.

I had to be... I went to...

I spent six months in a Muggle institution.

A mental health clinic.

A hospital like this one, only

Different.

She took his hand between hers. Hers were

Freezing

Just as he remembered.

But I'm sorry for

Leaving

You.

-0-0-0-

He knew very well it was

Guilt

That kept her coming back, as he wasn't the best

Company. Not now, and not

Before.

He'd never been.

But if

Guilt

Was enough to keep her coming back, he'd take it.

Guilt, after all, was an important motivator

Guilt

Drew him away from the Death Eaters

Guilt

Is the reason he protected Harry Potter

Guilt

Drove him in every thing for the greater part of

Two decades, almost.

I brought a new book, sir. I read it during my

Stay

In that hospital.

It's called

The Bell Jar

By a woman named

Sylvia Plath. She also wrote

Poetry, but

This is a novel.

-0-0-0-

And she read and she read and she read

And he tried to speak or sit up or blink or twitch

To tell her, Yes, I'm here, I hear you.

And then, one day, she said,

It's been

Almost

Two years

Since the end of the war, sir.

In eight weeks, it shall be

Two years.

A year and ten months he'd been

Confined

To this bed, this hospital, this

Prison.

He felt he was getting better.

He could wiggle his toes

See defined shapes in addition to colors

And almost

Almost

Almost

Make a noise from the back of his throat,

But it seemed

No one

Noticed.

I'm going to marry

Ron.

Ron Weasley.

I...

I don't know that it's what I want to do,

But I feel it's what I ought to do.

I think I'm too

Young

To be married, but he

Says we're meant to be, so why

Wait?

Meant to be? He envisioned himself sneering at this.

No such thing as 'meant to be.'

Besides, if she married

If she married

Weasley,

She might stop coming.

And he'd never hear the end of

The Bell Jar.

Some four or so months they'd been reading

The Bell Jar.

She read aloud one chapter per week,

Or she told him it was

One per week, anyway.

They had to be nearing

The end.

-0-0-0-

She does not sound

Embarassed

When she reads to him about the Protagonist's

"First time."

Though,

I've never had sex,

His bushy-haired angel confesses.

I'm afraid I won't be

Good at it.

I am afraid I can't

Learn

From books, and

Failure is my biggest

Fear.

There are much scarier things than failure,

He thinks.

But in a weird way

An inappropriate, perverted, dirty and demented sort of

Way

A way that makes him feel

Guilty

He's glad to know she's not been

Sullied

By a dunderhead like

Ronald Weasley.

She deserves better

Smarter

Cleverer, someone witty

Someone who can converse with her

Challenge her

Find even footing with her. Be her

Equal.

Someone who will

Appreciate

The cadence of her voice

When she reads, and listen to her

Secrets,

Without judgment, and

Won't fill her with

Babies

That will divert her from the

World of Academia

She's most certainly better bound for.

She deserves

Someone who can

Wiggle his toes

See clear shapes and colors

And maybe make a noise from the back of his throat.

-0-0-0-

If I'd known

Saving you

Would curse you to this

Half-life, sir, I don't think

I would have done it. If you can hear me,

Please,

Please know I'm sorry.

I hadn't meant to hurt you.

I only tried to

Help.

You do help, he thought, wiggling those toes.

He tried to twitch his nose.

Blink.

Move his pupils around so she'd see he was

Listening.

Oh, Healer, I think he's having some sort of

Fit!

Look, his eyes are moving all around!

Do you think

He's trying

To talk to us?

The Healer called that nonsense.

"It's involuntary, Miss Granger," she said.

Oh.

The girl sounded disappointed.

That made two of them,

Then.

-0-0-0-

He waited and waited for her to come

Again.

He practiced the toe wiggling, as it seemed

His best talent.

Nothing.

Was she back in an institution, locked away,

Like Plath's main character in

The Bell Jar?

Or...

"Look at this!" said the Healer. He couldn't see what

"This"

Was.

"Hermione Granger Marries Ronald Weasley!"

No.

"There's a lovely picture!"

No.

"She must have been nervous. Her smile is forced."

The Healer chuckled.

"The poor girl. But she made for a lovely..."

No.

"Bride."

-0-0-0-

He could see colors

Shapes.

He could wiggle his toes.

He could almost even make a quiet

Noise

From the back of his throat.

But what was the use?

She didn't come back.

She wouldn't come back.

He was certain she made

For a lovely

Bride.

-0-0-0-

But she did come back.

Once per week, like clockwork.

He taught himself to keep track of the

Days

So he'd know when to expect her.

-0-0-0-

Sir? Today is the

Five year

Anniversary

Of the night you were attacked

By Nagini.

And I want you to know

I'm sorry

For everything.

I feel

Selfish

Sometimes, for hating my

Life.

For hating what I have, when you have...

When you have...

When you have...

(Tears)

When you have it worse.

But I do hate it,

Sir.

I've just left my job.

This baby is due very soon,

And I don't think

I truly don't think

I have what it takes

To be a mother.

-0-0-0-

This is probably

The last time

I'll come, for awhile.

I'm already having contractions

But the Healer says

I'm not ready.

Once the baby is born, I'll have to

Stay home.

At least for awhile.

But I'll be back,

Eventually. I

Promise.

She was leaving.

She was leaving to be a

Mother

And he knew

No matter what she promised,

She wouldn't come back.

He couldn't let her

Leave, not without a

Goodbye. He could almost

Almost

Almost make a noise from the back of his throat.

Almost

Almost

Almost...

UGGG-UH-GG-GG.

Sir?

Suddenly,

She was leaning over him,

Her bushy brown hair

Falling around her face.

The ceiling light hitting her from behind

Resembled a halo.

Sir, are you trying to talk?

Sir, if you can hear me

If you can hear me,

Look to the left. Your left.

He looked to the left.

Sir! Professor! Sir! If you can

Hear me

Look to the right, and then

The left.

He looked to the right, and then

The left.

Sir! Make that noise

Make it again,

If you can!

He could feel her

Massive

Pregnant

Belly against his right arm, on top of his

Arm. She couldn't get close enough to his face

With her body in the way.

A baby.

Sir?

He made

A noise

From the back of his throat.

Can you see me?

He looked to the left, to the right, to the left, and straight into

The somewhat blurry brown dots

Above her cheeks.

I knew it! I knew you could hear

Me! I knew you were

Here!

And she called for a Healer

But the Healer was slow

And by the time he arrived, she'd

Collapsed.

-0-0-0-

"Pity," tsked a Healer.

He looked to the right.

There were two women in his room, but neither

Had bushy brown hair.

"The poor girl was standing right here."

Standing right here?

"When it happened. Eclampsia."

Eclampsia?

"Came on sudden. Caused a seizure."

A seizure?

"By the time we found her, it was too late."

-0-0-0-

He could wiggle his toes

And see colors

And shapes

And even make a sound from the back of his throat.

But she never came back. And no one else cared.

"Thank Merlin, the baby survived."

The baby survived?

So a part of her would live

On.

Just like Lily.

He wished he could sigh. Or cry.

Or scream.

Or die.

This used to be life.

It was over.