A/N:
Post-war, Severus is incapacitated and hospitalized. Hermione is his only visitor.
Inspired by the Metallica song "One," which is about a severely wounded WWI soldier.
-AL
THIS USED TO BE LIFE
A Severus & Hermione One-Shot
He hadn't expected to live through the war.
He knew he was gone when the snake sank her fangs into his neck.
But he tried to staunch the wound.
He held a handkerchief to it.
He had a few moments of fight in him.
And then
And then
And then
He didn't.
He knew it was over. He accepted the end.
He gave up his memories, the best, the worst.
Then he looked into Harry's eyes -
No -
Lily's eyes.
He looked into Lily's eyes
And felt the life drain out of him.
-0-0-0-
He opened his eyes to bright light
Bright light shining into his face from the tip of a wand
Bright light that obscured the facial features of his savior, but
Gave her an ethereal glow
And formed a halo over her brown, bushy hair.
He thought he was dreaming
He thought he might already be dead
Maybe she was an angel.
Were there such things as angels?
-0-0-0-
He felt no pain. For the first time in twenty years
Twenty years
He felt no pain
This must be the other side of the veil.
What lies beyond.
He let himself drift back into blackness
He wondered, if angels are real
Could there be heaven
And hell?
Where would he go?
Heaven was for heroes, people with good hearts
Hell was for those who'd sinned
And killing was a sin.
"You alone know whether it will harm your soul..."
Those were the words of Dumbledore, who sought
To protect Draco Malfoy
At all costs.
"Will you make the Unbreakable Vow?"
He would. He did.
He saved the boy, he served the man -
But at what cost?
-0-0-0-
The next time he opened his eyes, it was again to find he was not
Alone.
Bushy brown hair
But no halo.
Facial features, vaguely familiar
Blurred.
"You've suffered some vision loss," said the voice of a
Woman
He didn't know.
She was not the angel.
You cannot speak, said the angel. But I believe you can
Hear. You cannot
Walk,
Said the angel. Nor can you move
Independently, but I believe you can
Feel.
The angel stood beside him, to the right.
She took his hand. Hers were freezing.
"Speak again, bright angel!" he wanted to scream.
He knew that voice
From somewhere.
Who was she?
-0-0-0-
She came often. Sometimes he
Pretended
To be asleep.
But she stayed anyway
Waiting. And reading.
She read to him during every visit.
The Daily Prophet, Potions Quarterly
The Sunday Times
Even the bloody Quibbler.
He liked it best when she brought books -
Muggle mysteries and classic literature.
It felt easier to escape
Mentally
Into the worlds of Muggles he could only imagine
Than to put himself back into
The world he once knew.
-0-0-0-
Sometimes, she'd take his hand.
Hers, it seemed, were always freezing -
Or maybe his skin was on
Fire.
I did the best I could, sir, she
Whispered
One day
While a nurse roughly adjusted his pillow
And fed him through a tube.
You didn't deserve
To end up
This way.
-0-0-0-
They thought he was
Blind
They said he was
Blind
They were certain he was
Blind, but
He could see vague colors and shapes
Her bushy brown hair
Shimmering light, little black dots
That danced before his vision
And made him dizzy.
He wanted to tell them he could
See
He wanted to better see
Her.
He knew her voice
He'd heard it before
He could picture her as she was,
Hand in the air,
Eager to answer his questions.
Why did she visit so often?
Couldn't she see it was a
Waste
Of her time? He was
Lost
To the world.
Professor, I did everything
Everything I knew how to do
But I was
Young
And
Inexperienced
Not a
Healer, not even
A fully educated witch.
I'm so sorry, sir.
I'm so sorry.
-0-0-0-
He tried to make noise
In his throat
To gurgle or groan
Or growl
Or grunt.
Anything.
Anything to tell them
He could hear
He was here.
-0-0-0-
Sir, I know it's silly, but could I ask you
For advice?
He imagined himself cocking an eyebrow.
Advice? From me?
He would ask.
Surely not, Granger. I am not your
Friend
Lover
Confidant.
But for some reason, he saw himself
Nodding
And hoping he could help.
Sir, the war's only been over a year
One year, as of tomorrow,
And I don't know... I don't know
Yet
Who I am.
I do not think I'm
Recovered.
I cannot move on with my
Life.
Ron's asked me to marry him.
Marry him!
But I don't know
I don't know
I don't even know who he is anymore.
I don't know myself.
Part of me wants to
To
To
To
(She was crying now)
To run away and never return.
I feel alone
I've never felt so
Alone.
How did you life your life
In solitude?
What should I do?
Don't leave, he wanted to say
Don't run. Please return.
Your voice is all that's keeping me
Alive.
-0-0-0-
Time passed and she wasn't there.
He could not know
How many
Days
Weeks
Months
Years had gone by, maybe, as he had no way to track the
Time.
-0-0-0-
He wished he'd died.
Every
Damn
Day
He wished he was dead.
She'd tried to save him...
She HAD saved him...
But for what?
And then
And then
And then
There she was.
Sir, I'm sorry. It's been so long since I last
Saw
You.
I was so
Very
Sad, you see.
The Healers here,
At St. Mungo's,
They did all they could to help my parents.
Were her parents ill? Weren't her parents
Muggles?
I erased all memories of
Myself
From them
And gave them new identities
Before going on the run with Harry
And Ron.
Ah. That explained it.
But damn.
Such
Powerful
Magic.
She truly was the brightest witch
Of her age. Even if she could be
An Insufferable
Know-it-all.
The Healers said
They said
They said
They said
(She was crying again)
They said nothing can be done.
I permanently
Damaged
Them. They'll
Never know who I am.
Oh, he thought. That's
Awful.
While he wanted to forget
His own parents
Often,
He couldn't imagine being forgotten.
I had a bit of a breakdown,
Sir.
I had to be... I went to...
I spent six months in a Muggle institution.
A mental health clinic.
A hospital like this one, only
Different.
She took his hand between hers. Hers were
Freezing
Just as he remembered.
But I'm sorry for
Leaving
You.
-0-0-0-
He knew very well it was
Guilt
That kept her coming back, as he wasn't the best
Company. Not now, and not
Before.
He'd never been.
But if
Guilt
Was enough to keep her coming back, he'd take it.
Guilt, after all, was an important motivator
Guilt
Drew him away from the Death Eaters
Guilt
Is the reason he protected Harry Potter
Guilt
Drove him in every thing for the greater part of
Two decades, almost.
I brought a new book, sir. I read it during my
Stay
In that hospital.
It's called
The Bell Jar
By a woman named
Sylvia Plath. She also wrote
Poetry, but
This is a novel.
-0-0-0-
And she read and she read and she read
And he tried to speak or sit up or blink or twitch
To tell her, Yes, I'm here, I hear you.
And then, one day, she said,
It's been
Almost
Two years
Since the end of the war, sir.
In eight weeks, it shall be
Two years.
A year and ten months he'd been
Confined
To this bed, this hospital, this
Prison.
He felt he was getting better.
He could wiggle his toes
See defined shapes in addition to colors
And almost
Almost
Almost
Make a noise from the back of his throat,
But it seemed
No one
Noticed.
I'm going to marry
Ron.
Ron Weasley.
I...
I don't know that it's what I want to do,
But I feel it's what I ought to do.
I think I'm too
Young
To be married, but he
Says we're meant to be, so why
Wait?
Meant to be? He envisioned himself sneering at this.
No such thing as 'meant to be.'
Besides, if she married
If she married
Weasley,
She might stop coming.
And he'd never hear the end of
The Bell Jar.
Some four or so months they'd been reading
The Bell Jar.
She read aloud one chapter per week,
Or she told him it was
One per week, anyway.
They had to be nearing
The end.
-0-0-0-
She does not sound
Embarassed
When she reads to him about the Protagonist's
"First time."
Though,
I've never had sex,
His bushy-haired angel confesses.
I'm afraid I won't be
Good at it.
I am afraid I can't
Learn
From books, and
Failure is my biggest
Fear.
There are much scarier things than failure,
He thinks.
But in a weird way
An inappropriate, perverted, dirty and demented sort of
Way
A way that makes him feel
Guilty
He's glad to know she's not been
Sullied
By a dunderhead like
Ronald Weasley.
She deserves better
Smarter
Cleverer, someone witty
Someone who can converse with her
Challenge her
Find even footing with her. Be her
Equal.
Someone who will
Appreciate
The cadence of her voice
When she reads, and listen to her
Secrets,
Without judgment, and
Won't fill her with
Babies
That will divert her from the
World of Academia
She's most certainly better bound for.
She deserves
Someone who can
Wiggle his toes
See clear shapes and colors
And maybe make a noise from the back of his throat.
-0-0-0-
If I'd known
Saving you
Would curse you to this
Half-life, sir, I don't think
I would have done it. If you can hear me,
Please,
Please know I'm sorry.
I hadn't meant to hurt you.
I only tried to
Help.
You do help, he thought, wiggling those toes.
He tried to twitch his nose.
Blink.
Move his pupils around so she'd see he was
Listening.
Oh, Healer, I think he's having some sort of
Fit!
Look, his eyes are moving all around!
Do you think
He's trying
To talk to us?
The Healer called that nonsense.
"It's involuntary, Miss Granger," she said.
Oh.
The girl sounded disappointed.
That made two of them,
Then.
-0-0-0-
He waited and waited for her to come
Again.
He practiced the toe wiggling, as it seemed
His best talent.
Nothing.
Was she back in an institution, locked away,
Like Plath's main character in
The Bell Jar?
Or...
"Look at this!" said the Healer. He couldn't see what
"This"
Was.
"Hermione Granger Marries Ronald Weasley!"
No.
"There's a lovely picture!"
No.
"She must have been nervous. Her smile is forced."
The Healer chuckled.
"The poor girl. But she made for a lovely..."
No.
"Bride."
-0-0-0-
He could see colors
Shapes.
He could wiggle his toes.
He could almost even make a quiet
Noise
From the back of his throat.
But what was the use?
She didn't come back.
She wouldn't come back.
He was certain she made
For a lovely
Bride.
-0-0-0-
But she did come back.
Once per week, like clockwork.
He taught himself to keep track of the
Days
So he'd know when to expect her.
-0-0-0-
Sir? Today is the
Five year
Anniversary
Of the night you were attacked
By Nagini.
And I want you to know
I'm sorry
For everything.
I feel
Selfish
Sometimes, for hating my
Life.
For hating what I have, when you have...
When you have...
When you have...
(Tears)
When you have it worse.
But I do hate it,
Sir.
I've just left my job.
This baby is due very soon,
And I don't think
I truly don't think
I have what it takes
To be a mother.
-0-0-0-
This is probably
The last time
I'll come, for awhile.
I'm already having contractions
But the Healer says
I'm not ready.
Once the baby is born, I'll have to
Stay home.
At least for awhile.
But I'll be back,
Eventually. I
Promise.
She was leaving.
She was leaving to be a
Mother
And he knew
No matter what she promised,
She wouldn't come back.
He couldn't let her
Leave, not without a
Goodbye. He could almost
Almost
Almost make a noise from the back of his throat.
Almost
Almost
Almost...
UGGG-UH-GG-GG.
Sir?
Suddenly,
She was leaning over him,
Her bushy brown hair
Falling around her face.
The ceiling light hitting her from behind
Resembled a halo.
Sir, are you trying to talk?
Sir, if you can hear me
If you can hear me,
Look to the left. Your left.
He looked to the left.
Sir! Professor! Sir! If you can
Hear me
Look to the right, and then
The left.
He looked to the right, and then
The left.
Sir! Make that noise
Make it again,
If you can!
He could feel her
Massive
Pregnant
Belly against his right arm, on top of his
Arm. She couldn't get close enough to his face
With her body in the way.
A baby.
Sir?
He made
A noise
From the back of his throat.
Can you see me?
He looked to the left, to the right, to the left, and straight into
The somewhat blurry brown dots
Above her cheeks.
I knew it! I knew you could hear
Me! I knew you were
Here!
And she called for a Healer
But the Healer was slow
And by the time he arrived, she'd
Collapsed.
-0-0-0-
"Pity," tsked a Healer.
He looked to the right.
There were two women in his room, but neither
Had bushy brown hair.
"The poor girl was standing right here."
Standing right here?
"When it happened. Eclampsia."
Eclampsia?
"Came on sudden. Caused a seizure."
A seizure?
"By the time we found her, it was too late."
-0-0-0-
He could wiggle his toes
And see colors
And shapes
And even make a sound from the back of his throat.
But she never came back. And no one else cared.
"Thank Merlin, the baby survived."
The baby survived?
So a part of her would live
On.
Just like Lily.
He wished he could sigh. Or cry.
Or scream.
Or die.
This used to be life.
It was over.