A/N: Uh, yeah, so I haven't… actually seen the movie "Love, Simon," so if you're expecting this to be a play-by-play of the movie, then you're going to be let down.

I just read the summary on the Wiki page, so I know how the plot of the movie plays out well-enough to write based on it, but this is definitely going to be more Homestuck than the actual movie. I think it'll be better that way.

Anyway, let's get this show on the road.

While his life hadn't really been "normal," Dirk would tell anyone who asked that he had had a pretty boring, and standard childhood. His father was around, for one. And that was pretty cool, he supposed. Dirk never knew his mother, not even a little bit. He didn't know her name, what she looked like, where she had been all his life, how she had started a relationship with his dad, or even if she had been the one to curse him with the name Diederik, or if that little bit of Hell was courtesy of his father.

And, sure, it would have been cool to know his mom, but it didn't affect Dirk that much. He had a kind of mom, anyway. Rosaline Lalonde was his dad's best friend, and she was the closest thing to a mother that Dirk had ever known. It didn't help that she was kind of an ass, though. Every year, without fail, she would give Dirk a scarf for his birthday. And every year, it would somehow be longer, and uglier than the last one.

Despite living in the tiny suburbs of Houston, Dirk's dad, D, was absurdly wealthy. He was a retired movie-director, and Dirk secretly loved his work, though he would never admit it. Rose was an author, but she only published dark and gritty material; so long, horrible, and truly traumatizing, that Dirk had refused to so much as touch one of her books since he was five and made the mistake of opening one that D had left on the coffee table.

For such a petite, pretty woman, Rose Lalonde was incredibly fucked in the head.

At the very least, the experience showed Dirk how she got along with someone like his father enough to tolerate him for most of their lives.

So, the conjoined income between them both probably impacted Dirk's childhood. Somewhat. He was raised to be punctual, because every time he was even the slightest bit late, Rose would gift him a watch. He received a watch for every minute he was late, and by the age of nine, he got used to being an hour early, just for good measure. He still had about fifty watches shoved in the back of his closet that he had never gotten rid of. They weren't expensive watches, but both Rose and D would resort to completely ridiculous measures just for a quick chuckle.

It was both horrible, and awe-inspiring.

D had never really been a serious dad, but he taught Dirk the basic things. "Don't hit people," "sharing is caring," "swords are for grown-ups," "don't put shit that isn't food in your mouth," and etcetera. As a result, Dirk felt that it was best to step in when it came to his little brother.

To this day, Dirk didn't know if Hal grew up to be a piece of shit because of Dirk's involvement in his upbringing, or if he had just been born with no soul.

"Dad!" Hal clutched a piece of paper to his chest, moving down the stairs so quickly that his feet were almost a blur. "Dad, Dirk's setting a bad example!"

Dirk darted out of his room after his brother, gripping the banister to keep from slamming into the wall. "You piece of shit! Get back here!" He clenched his jaw, and made a sharp turn, darting down the stairs after Hal. For a thirteen year old, he sure was fast. But not quite fast enough.

Hal squealed like a stuck pig as Dirk grabbed him by the waist. He hefted his brother up into the hair, holding on tight so that the squirming didn't cause him to drop his brother. Rough housing was one thing, but even D would draw the line at actually hurting Hal. "Hey! No fair!" He slammed his fists against Dirk's arms and, without warning, sank his teeth into his older brother's hand.

"Fuck!" Dirk cursed, dropping Hal. Luckily, he landed on his feet, though he immediately took off again, still holding the paper he took from Dirk's room. "Hal, I swear to God—!"

D opened the door to his private office, his headphones down around his neck and music still blaring at ungodly levels through the speakers. "Woah, alright. Dad's here, what the fuck is going on?"

Shooting a smug grin at Dirk, Hal held the paper up for D to take. "Dirk promised he'd do it if he lost a bet with me." He explained as D scanned over the paper from behind his shades. "And he lost, but now he's trying to go back on the bet."

For a moment, D didn't say anything. Dirk almost thought that he was in the clear, but then D reached into his pocket with his free hand, and tapped his phone. Abruptly, the music screaming from his headphones was cut out, and Dirk swallowed thickly. Fuck. D smoothed out the crinkles in the paper, and read it over again, before lifting his head to look up at Dirk. "A school play?" He questioned. Fuck fuck fuck fuck.

Dirk managed an awkward laugh, that quickly died into nothing. "...would you believe me if I said that I was planning to tell you eventually?" He tried.

D raised an eyebrow.

"Y-You know… like when the auditions were finished?" Dirk rubbed the back of his neck nervously, forcing what he hoped was a charming smile. He knew very well how his dad felt about the "art" of the theater, and so did Hal, that piece of shit.

Unsurprisingly, D didn't look all that impressed with Dirk's excuse.

He glanced down at the flyer again, and Dirk silently cursed Roxy for stuffing that into his backpack. She knew very well that the last place he would be comfortable was on a stage, but she had been spouting something about "personal growth" and "leaving his comfort zone," and Dirk hadn't had the heart to turn her down when she sounded so enthusiastic. He had just been going to throw the paper out, but Hal had gotten to it first, and… well, it kind of snowballed from there.

D went to open his mouth, and Dirk cut him off. "No." He said sharply. "I'm not trying out. I would honest-to-God rather shoot myself in the foot, and if I actually get a part, I think I'll die. I mean it. I'll hang myself in the bathroom and leave the water running for dramatic effect, and my suicide note will go on for pages about how it was all your fault. Is that what you want, you sicko? The blood of a child on your hands?"

Instead of responding with a similarly ridiculous tangent, D just sighed. Again, Dirk cursed his luck. "Look, kid, I'm getting too old for this. You made a bet with your brother, so you're going to see it through honestly." He looked down at Hal then, and frowned. "What did you bet on, anyway?"

Dirk hesitated, but Hal had no such qualms. "I bet that he wouldn't ask out Roxy." He said smugly, crossing his arms. "And he couldn't do it! So I win!"

Despite his best efforts, D's lip twitched up into a faint smile. "Why couldn't you do it?" He raised an eyebrow at Dirk. "Roxy's a sweet girl. And, uh, I don't know if you've noticed, but I think she likes you."

At the reminder, Dirk grimaced. "Yeah. She reminds me daily." He had considered just texting the question to Roxy to win Hal's stupid bet, so he would get out of Dirk's room and leave him to finish his homework. But, knowing Roxy, she would take it completely seriously. He didn't want to tell her that he was only joking, and doing it for a bet. She wouldn't speak to him for at least a week afterward, possibly even months, or the rest of their live. "She- she's like a sister to me, I couldn't ask her out…" He felt an embarrassed flush creeping up his neck. Damnit, Hal knew all of his buttons, and exactly how to jam all of them down at once. Dirk couldn't believe that he let a thirteen year old manipulate him into something that he was obviously going to lose.

There was an awkward pause, like D didn't know whether to believe him or not, before he shrugged. "Well, you dug your grave, Dirk. The play is Grease, yeah? Just audition for a minor role, give your worst possible performance, and call it good." He tucked the flyer into his pocket, and put a hand on Hal's head, ruffling his hair affectionately. "Quite the sneaky one." He sighed. "I knew a girl like that, once. And now I've got two kids, and last I heard, she's in the Bahamas. Guess which one of us was the smarter one?"

He turned back into his office, slipping his headphones back on and kicking the door shut with his heel. Dirk waited about three seconds, and then fixed Hal with a glare that had to burn, even from behind his shades. "You've got four seconds to be in your room with the door locked, or I'm sticking my foot so far up your ass that you'll have to open your mouth to tie my shoes."

Hal snickered. "Kinky." Despite his joke, though, he was quick to take Dirk's offer, and was up the stairs before Dirk could blink.

He sighed, and reached into his back pocket, pulling out his phone. If he was going to audition for the school play, he might as well get some moral support. And as overwhelming as Roxy could occasionally be, no one knew him better than her.

DIRK: Rox, are you there?
ROXY: hmm
ROXY: depends
DIRK: On what?
ROXY: on whos asking ;)
DIRK: Ordinarily, I would entertain you for a few minutes with "ironic roleplays," but I need to speak to a serious Roxy, who is ready to provide serious advice.
ROXY: all ya had to do was say so
ROXY: im always ready to b serious
ROXY: whenevr you need it, bby
DIRK: Alright, so
DIRK: Remember when you jokingly suggested that I should audition for the school play?
ROXY: i mean
ROXY: i wasnt jokin
ROXY: but yeah, i remebr
ROXY: y?
DIRK: I, uh, may have made the mistake of betting with my little brother, and…
ROXY: whoah
ROXY: say no more, bab
ROXY: im 100% on the same pg
DIRK: Really?
ROXY: tots absolute
ROXY: but just incase
ROXY: fill me in on the rest of the juciy details ;)
DIRK: I lost the bet, so per the forfeit, I have to audition for a part in the play.
ROXY: mhm
ROXY: sounds pretty serioous
ROXY: *serious
ROXY: you came to the right place
ROXY: ill help bail you out no prolem
DIRK: Your offer is generous, but I can't.
DIRK: If I don't at least show up at the audition, Hal is going to tell my dad. And I know D isn't the most "serious parent," but he knows how to deal out a punishment.
DIRK: I think I'm still scarred from the last one.
ROXY: :0
ROXY: fck
ROXY: ugh itll be ok bab
ROXY: ill audition w/ u
ROXY: for moral support n shit
ROXY: i could probly get jane in on this 2
ROXY: it'll be a moral support sandwich
ROXY: u'll be so smothered in moral support
ROXY: that u'll be capable of puniching through a mountain
DIRK: Careful, Rox, you're making me swoon.
ROXY: ;)
DIRK: Are you sure that Jane will be up for it, though? I haven't spoken to her since she glued herself to her boyfriend's side, but I know that musicals and being on stage aren't her thing.
ROXY: what, u mean her and jake?
ROXY: man, that ended ages ago, boo, where've u been?
ROXY: she said that he just didn't seem into it or somethn, i dunno
ROXY: anyways, she doesn't have to audition, she's just gotta be
ROXY: supportive
ROXY: and, like,
ROXY: there
ROXY: i'll audition tho, just so you feel better bout it
DIRK: Thanks, Roxy.
DIRK: You're quite the gentleman.
ROXY: aw shuch youre makin me blush ;)
ROXY: ill txt u later, bby
DIRK: Yeah, I'll see you then.
ROXY: ilu ;)

Dirk grimaced faintly, tucking his phone away. He hated to leave Roxy hanging like that, but he couldn't take all of the hearts and the flirting and the "I love you"s. He had no idea what it bothered him so much. Maybe it was just because of how close he was to Roxy. He didn't have a clue, honestly.

Anyway, it wasn't important at the moment. Dirk had a real problem on his hands. The play auditions were in two days, and he had to at least know some lines to get make it a believable audition. Enough to satisfy Hal, anyway. He wanted a recording of it as proof, so Dirk could just get the little shithead some audio to listen to, and then deny ever knowing what a "play" was.

He went up the stairs, stomping loudly and pausing purposefully by Hal's door, just for dramatic effect, before continuing to his bedroom.

Every surface was covered with wires, bits of metal, and unfinished projects. His computer was still open on the code he had been struggling to write before Hal came to bother him. He was working on a complete AI, and had been for years, but the task was… daunting. Dirk was considering scrapping the idea all together.

He shoved some of the smaller projects off of his desk, and got down on his hands and knees to pull out his printer. It was D's old one, because for someone who was worth millions upon millions of dollars, Dirk's dad was one cheap bastard. They lived in a good house, nice, nothing overly fancy, and they didn't have anything that would allude to D's vast savings. He liked to hoard his money, and then use it for something ridiculous, pointless, and expensive. Like, say, getting Roxy a pony for her fifth birthday, and then letting Rose find out how to keep the damn thing alive.

Sometimes, Dirk thought that they hated each other. Roxy's theory was a bit... different, but Dirk refused to believe that their parents could be anything more than friends.

He hooked the ancient printer up to his computer, and opened a browser to look for the play Grease. He wasn't sure what it was about. Actually, Dirk had never even heard of it. He scanned over enough to make sure that this was the right play, though. 1950s, greasers, stereotypical star-crossed lover situation… Perfect.

He found a PDF file of the play, and scanned it briefly. It didn't look very good, but whatever, that wasn't his call.

He selected a page at random, and read over the dialogue. It was between two characters, Danny and Sandy. Apparently, they were in love, or something. Dirk didn't really care. Danny seemed to be a guy, and that was good enough. He printed out the page with a few clicks, and sighed as he looked over the lines. It was all so cheesy…

But, he supposed that there was no accounting for taste. Hopefully, this stupid love scene was good enough for Hal. Dirk already knew that he wouldn't get the role. He sighed, and leaned back in his desk chair, propping his feet up on the desk in front of him.

He pushed his shades up on top of his head, and blinked against the sudden light. He would never get used to how bright everything was… With a faint grimace of distaste, Dirk got comfortable, and began to read.

He only had two days to learn these lines, and then perform them as poorly as possible.