Author's Note: This was intended to be another ~ 500 word drabble to get people enthused about next month's SaiChi fanworks event on tumblr. It morphed into something all its own, and I was unable to put it down until it was done. I blame Souma Kazue's route from Edo Blossoms for the angst.

A teaser-trailer for SaiChiFest 2018 that turned into a feature presentation.

With gratitude to CanadianGAAP, DancesWithSeatbelts (Nalufever / Hakufever) and ShellSenji, who have been nudging me along to get me writing again.

~ Imp

The Ghost

The mood at Doctor Matsumoto's clinic had been sombre since Okita's death from tuberculosis, and that had been two years ago now. Then again, all of the news in the year following had told of disaster upon disaster for the Shinsengumi and what remained of the former Shogunate allies. When the hideous details of Aizu's fall and ruin had been brought to them, Chizuru's brave smile had disappeared for good, although her tireless care of the clinic's patients—men and women ravaged by disease and war—had not wavered.

Doctor Matsumoto might have wondered at Chizuru's barely contained grief for the fate of the Aizu, which had seemed at least as immediate and personal as it had been at Okita's passing, but for the letter that he'd received from Hijikata Toshizō, then Chief of the Shinsengumi, not long after Chizuru had first arrived at the clinic:

Matsumoto-sensei,

I write to you in confidence, and send this by way of one of my own men. As you know, our situation is difficult and only likely to worsen.

Consequently, I commend Yukimura Chizuru-san to your care, as it is neither appropriate nor safe—if such a word still has meaning—for her to remain with us in Sendai. I know that you will be kind to her, both on behalf of the Shinsengumi, and for her own sake.

I have decided to advise you of one personal matter in case the worst comes to pass and Aizu is overrun. I have reason to believe that Yukimura has developed a strong affection for Saitō Hajime, as unlikely as that might seem. She begged to accompany him to Aizu, when he announced his intention of remaining with the Aizu warriors until the end. In an effort to spare her life, Saitō rejected her request and ordered her to accompany me further North. He phrased his dismissal in the coldest possible terms, no doubt to ensure her compliance. I mention all of this only because the girl has an overly-sensitive heart, and I am not convinced that Saitō's words were sufficient to change her feelings for him.

It is no doubt ridiculous to trouble you with such things at a time like this, but Kondō always worried about Yukimura's future—you know how he was—and in a sense I am writing to you on his behalf. He and Yukimura were not unalike in the way that they cared about others. I do not know if this information will be of any use to you if and when the blow falls, but it is rare for too much information to be worse than too little.

With regards and sincere thanks for all that you have done and continue to do,

Hijikata Toshizō, Chief

The doctor had shared the letter with his wife, but while the latter had been very sympathetic toward Chizuru, she had had her own family to worry about and the times were indeed full of sorrow for many. Thus, while Chizuru was well cared for, and her assistance at the clinic truly valued, there was nobody close with whom to share her sorrow, whether it was for Saitō in particular, or for the Shinsengumi warriors as a whole. The war had ended almost a year ago, and that was that, except for a lingering sadness in the household that had yet to give way to renewed hope for the future.

Chizuru had finished her work for the day when the unexpected visitor arrived. Although she was seated by a brazier on the house's front porch, she did not see him approach, nor did she sense him standing at the gate, seemingly transfixed by the ordinary sight of a slight young woman preoccupied by the mundane chore of preparing vegetables for the evening meal. The man was very thin, and noticeably pale under his straw travelling hat, but despite the appearance of ill-health, he didn't seem to notice either the drizzling rain or the sharp bite of early winter.

"Shitsureisimasu," he said at last, his voice barely carrying over the hiss of the wind and rain.

Chizuru looked up, visibly startled out of her thoughts. She set down her work and rose, bowing politely. Doctor Matsumoto's wife had always approved of her manners, except for her habit of being at times too courteous to the lowest classes. The only thing to be clearly discerned about the present visitor was that he carried a katana, which was troubling given the new government's strict regulations about owning—let alone using—swords and firearms.

"How may I help you, sir?" Chizuru found her eyes straying almost compulsively to the longsword. Swords failed to intimidate her the way they did others, although she was not fond of them either. But this feeling was something else altogether, a sense of both wrongness and déjà vu all at once.

"… I came to find Matsumoto-sensei. Is this his residence?"

"Yes. Are you ill, or injured? We are no longer seeing patients today, but Doctor Matsumoto sometimes"—often—"makes exceptions. May I know your name?"

Even as she asked she knew the answer. Some part of her mind had even known from the beginning. But there had been too many nights of hoping against hope, and dreams that turned to ash when she woke up and had to face the day. Was she so pathetic that now her delusions existed in the daytime as well? She felt fear rising in the place of what should be—perhaps—maybe—a more positive emotion.

The stranger who might not be a stranger didn't move or speak; he seemed frozen to the spot. One hand lay passive along the top of the gate, but the other had dropped to brush against the hilt of his sword. It wasn't a threatening gesture; instead, it suggested uncertainty, or even anxiety. Chizuru fought the urge to run indoors and hide, overcome by the need to escape this… this ghost. She had never seen another man wear his sword on his right hip, not even before swords had been outlawed for all but a few. This man was dead, killed in action on the blood-drenched fields of what had once been the Aizu domain. Doctor Matsumoto had been kind, but very clear: Saitō Hajime of the Shinsengumi had died, and there was no room for hope.

Even as Chizuru stood poised on the verge of irrational flight, the ghost spoke:

"Yukimura… Īe—sumimasen—Yukimura-san?" (1)

"You're dead." There, she'd said it, denying his living existence as firmly as possible. I wonder if his ghost has eyes of the same dark blue as the summer sky after dusk? Not that it matters, but still… Despite everything, Chizuru felt a flicker of something like curiosity. Curiosity could be admitted—it wasn't hope.

"… Īe."

After a moment, the straw hat was tilted back, so that Chizuru could make out more than just the chin beneath. She pressed her hands to her mouth, willing back a renewed impulse to panic. He was too far away, and the light too dim for her to see the colour of his eyes. But the face was familiar in every line, despite being so gaunt as to make her wince. Her feet betrayed her by moving down the steps and away from the shelter of the porch.

"They told me that you were dead."

"… Ah."

"You sent me away. Why did you come here?"

"Yukimura… -san. I was imprisoned; I came here as soon as I was released."

"Why?"

There was a very long pause, and Chizuru found herself digging her nails into the palms of her hands. Finally, the apparition seem to make up its—or his—mind about what to say.

"I heard rumours that Nagakura was still alive and thought that Doctor Matsumoto might know where he had taken refuge."

"I missed you. You sent me away, and then you died—and then everyone else died too. Even Hijikata-san." Was she being irrational? She had a strong suspicion that she was. When had she started trembling?

"…I am not dead, Yukimura-san."

Now that she was closer, she could see that the dark kimono he wore hung far too loosely about him. It also emphasized his pallor, and heightened the ghostly effect. Or maybe that was just her own perception.

"They told me that you were confirmed dead, Saitō-san." There, she'd said it. It was painful though.

"According to the official records, I was declared missing in action. There were rumours about my death, however." Saitō hesitated, and then said, "You should go back to the engawa out of the rain, Yukimura-san—you are shivering with cold and your clothes have gotten wet."

"If I turn my back, then you will go away, and I've missed you so much already."

The gate opened with a quiet click, and then closed again.

"I am not a ghost—I have feet." (2) Saitō was holding his hat in one hand now, and his hair was rapidly darkening from indigo to black in the rain.

"Nagakura-san said that," Chizuru commented mechanically, remembering the burly captain's valiant attempt at humour in the face of the loss of most of his men during the Battle of Toba-Fushimi. Her thoughts veered back to the present. She really shouldn't be making Saitō-san stand outside in this weather, yet she seemed unable to behave like her usual self at all.

"I remember. Perhaps…" Saitō studied her carefully before continuing in his usual, uninflected voice: "Do you wish to hold my hand?" His eyes widened when Chizuru stepped back in obvious consternation, but he persevered. "It might help you to believe that I am here, that is all. It seemed to reassure you once before."

"That was a dream. I've had enough of dreams. It hurts when I wake up."

Despite her words, Chizuru gingerly extended one hand. To her surprise, it was immediately taken in a firm, warm, apparently human grasp. Her eyes flew up to the familiar face above hers, which suddenly became difficult to make out because—she was weeping. Uncontrollable sobs shook her body, and she was gasping for air. Mortified, she said the first thing that came to mind.

"You sh-should get out of the c-cold. You look exhausted, as u-usual, and half-starved… And, and, you've d-dropped your hat in the m-mud."

Without a flicker of expression, Saitō nodded. "I will pick up my hat and then we can both go to stand by the brazier on the engawa." He immediately put his words into action, one hand still tightly clasped around Chizuru's.

Within a minute, Chizuru found herself huddled by the brazier, her eyes flicking between the glowing coals and Saitō-san, whose presence still frightened her for the hope that she could feel building within her. They both needed to get inside, but she wasn't quite ready for that yet. What if he disappeared at the door, unable to remain in the realm of the living against the vehement denials of her current guardian? Worse—no, not worse, that was ridiculous—what if he were somehow real, but only comforting her now out of his usual sense of responsibility? If that were the case, he would hand her back over to Doctor Matsumoto as soon as they entered the house, and then leave again on his search for Nagakura-san. What if even friendship was beyond her grasp?

"Are you feeling better? I regret having startled you."

The understatement almost made Chizuru laugh, but she bit her lip to avoid looking even more foolish than she had already. What if it really was Saitō-san and he wasn't going to abandon her again? He might not care for her in the way that she wanted—that had never been more than a wistful dream even before his harsh words to her in Aizu—but it would be more than enough if he would just let her travel with him again. She was quite a good cook, and much better versed in medical knowledge than she had been. She could probably even support herself, more or less, by offering her medical services.

"Yukimura-san?"

Chizuru blinked. What was she thinking? She'd told him that he was dead! This was not how she had imagined it would be during those moments—much rarer now—when she had daydreamed about finding him alive somehow.

"Gomenasai, Saitō-san! I w-was rather, um, startled, just as you say. I'll show you inside now, if you like?" She tried to recover her hand, but Saitō's fingers were too tight about hers to do so unobtrusively. He was staring at her intently, and she wondered what he saw, or was looking for. She hoped it wouldn't take much longer, because she could still feel tears prickling at her eyes, and her emotions were a tangled mess. She desperately wanted to appear more calm than she really was. Without realizing what she was doing, she brushed Saitō's cheek with her fingertips.

War and loss and imprisonment may have taken their toll, but your beloved face is everything to me, Saitō-san. I just didn't know that the return of hope could be as terrifying as its loss.

"You should return indoors as soon as possible," Saitō said quietly, releasing her hand. "However, it is clear that I have caused you grave anxiety."

I was terrified for you. I was distraught when they told me you were dead. Chizuru could only swallow and nod nervously.

"Also," Saitō cleared his throat, "I must apologize for what I said to you… before asking you to go with Hijikata-san."

You called me a burden that would only slow you down and get you killed. You were as cruel as Okita-san ever was during my first months with the Shinsengumi. No, worse, because his words were never as cold and precise as yours. You said everything you could to make me hate you, and sometimes I've wished it had worked.

Chizuru tried to keep her feelings off her face, and knew she had failed. Saitō-san and Okita-san—and Harada-san, and, of course, Hijikata-san—had always been able to see right through her. She'd been grateful for Heisuke-kun's tendency to take her at face value—it had been reassuring.

"I regret my words. Please forgive me." Saitō bowed deeply, leaving Chizuru speechless. "I did not have the skill necessary to dissuade you less roughly. It is clear that I injured you even more than I had thought."

"Saitō-san…" Chizuru drew a deep breath to steady her nerves. "Please—please don't bow to me. Just tell me, if it's okay… Why did you send me away?" She heard her voice break, and tried to compose herself to hear the answer with some vestige of equanimity.

Saitō straightened as she requested, but his eyes were fixed on the ground and his answer came slowly—so slowly that it seemed he would refuse to answer at all. "… I could not bear to see you die. The people of Aizu were destined to suffer the worst of the horrors of war, because the Imperial Army sought revenge, not just victory."

For the first time in more than two years, Chizuru felt a measure of peace. She was unutterably relieved, as wrong as that seemed in the circumstances. Saitō-san hadn't pushed her away because she was a burden to him; rather, he'd cared enough to want to protect her.

When Chizuru didn't respond, Saitō glanced up, lips compressed. "It seemed to me—no matter how unlikely—that you..." He trailed off and tried again. "I was… not quite prepared… for you to prefer the misery of war in Aizu with me over remaining with Hijikata-san in comparative safety. It suggested that you cared more about… my future… than was either reasonable or safe."

Chizuru stared at him, feeling a faint blush rise to her cheeks. She scrubbed at her eyes to keep the tears at bay and squared her shoulders.

"Saitō-san, I'm sorry that I didn't give you the welcome you deserve—"

"There is no need for you to apologize, Yukimura."

"Please, Saitō-san, please—don't leave me here. I will try not to be a burden. They are very kind here, but they don't understand. About the Shinsengumi, I mean. Not really. And—"

"Yukimura—" Saitō's voice sounded oddly strained, but that just made Chizuru hurry to get all the words out faster, before he could tell her again that she would be better off, or safer, or some other meaningless thing, away from his side.

"But I need to tell you!"

"I already understand." Saitō reached out as he had once before—years ago now—and pulled her against his chest and shoulder. Chizuru went unresisting, heedless of the wet kimono under her cheek. "At least—I don't really understand why you still wish to be with me, but I understand that you do."

"You won't leave me?"

"Correct. Also…" Saitō tightened his arms around the shivering girl—woman—and forced himself to complete his sentence. "I don't want to."

Doctor Matsumoto found them there on the porch when he returned from visiting one of his regular patients. He was through the gate and most of the way to the house before he was drawn up short by the sight of Chizuru-chan in the arms of a strange man. His first surprised indignation was instantly replaced by shock when the man turned his head to meet the doctor's gaze.

"Saitō-kun?!" The calm blue eyes and slightly pointed features were unmistakable. He was currently more thin than lean, and his impassive features seemed older than they should be, but he was obviously alive and apparently uninjured. "That is—Saitō-san?" The man had commanded both the Shinsengumi and mixed Shinsengumi-Aizu forces in Aizu, and was known to have the personal respect of Lord Matsudaira of Aizu himself; he surely deserved to be addressed as an equal despite his actual age. (3)

Doctor Matsumoto hurried up the steps to the engawa in order to get a better look at the unexpected—very unexpected!—visitor. He saw Chizuru stir slightly in Saitō's hold, but it was obvious that she was in some distress, and not quite prepared to face another person at this moment.

"Konbanwa, Matsumoto-sensei. I hope that you are well."

"Yes, yes I am—but you! They told us that you had gone missing and were presumed dead!"

"The Aizu were kind enough to shelter me with their name so that I would be imprisoned rather than killed. I assume that the rumours of my death were circulated in order to safeguard my identity."

At last, Chizuru turned to face her unofficial guardian and mentor, although she stayed very close to Saitō. Her eyes were red and swollen, and her expression was difficult to read.

"Sumimasen, Matsumoto-sensei," she murmured, almost too quietly to hear.

"No, no, there is no problem—of course you would be overwhelmed, my dear…" The doctor collected himself and took in the pair's wet clothes. "The engawa isn't too bad, I suppose, with a few rugs and a brazier"—his voice clearly expressed disapproval of the arrangement—"but you really shouldn't be out here on a day like this. Saitō-san, Chizuru-chan, please come inside with me."

Some kind of unspoken communication seemed to pass between the two, and then Chizuru nodded. "We will be right in, I promise. Oh!" The cry of consternation seemed to be aimed at the half-prepared vegetables. "I said I would finish these…"

Saitō put a hand on her shoulder, squeezing gently. "We will finish them as soon as we go in."

"But Saitō-san!"

"We will be in very shortly, Matsumoto-sensei."

"Very well. But please tell, me Saitō-san… Why are you here?"

"I came to make sure that Yukimura-san was well," replied Saitō, without discernible hesitation. "And to find out whether you had any news about Nagakura's whereabouts."

"Mmm." The doctor's eyes narrowed thoughtfully, then he smiled. "I will leave you to work out the answer to the first question yourself. As for the second—yes, I may have something for you. Come in when you're ready—but don't wait too long."

When they were alone again, Chizuru slipped her hand shyly into Saitō's. "I think I can face everyone again now—at least, once I've tidied myself a bit."

"I see."

"I am very happy to see you, Saitō-san."

"Yes—I mean, I am very pleased to see you as well, Yukimura."

Saitō seemed to debate for a minute within himself, and then he carefully cupped Chizuru's face with his free hand. She gave him an inquiring look, but there was no longer any fear in her soft brown eyes. The shadows of grief and loss would take a long time to dispel, but…

Saitō bent his head to kiss Chizuru's lips. Sometime later, they went into the house.

Notes:

(1) No (that's not right) - sorry [Saitou had always referred to Chizuru as Yukimura because she had taken on the role of a junior subordinate; however, outside the Shinsengumi, Yukimura-san is more appropriate.

(2) In traditional Japanese mythology ghosts have no feet. (See Nagakura's comment during the battle of Toba-Fushimi.)

(3) Saitou joined the Roshigumi (precursor to the Shinsengumi) at age 19. This means that he was only about 24 years old during the Boshin War. (He would be about 25 in this story.)

A/Note: Please let me know what you think if you get the chance! The setting is canon-esque AU, if you understand what I mean.