Sakura had no idea how precious she is to Ino.
Ino'd had no idea how precious she was until she'd lost her best friend. If she'd known, if only she had known, she never would have let Sakura go just because they fought over Sasuke. Ino hadn't known, back then, what a gift that was.
That Sakura disagreed with her, challenged her, stood up to her. Kami, Ino is suffocating and each of Sakura's biting remarks is one more desperate breath of air she can pull in.
Yamanaka are popular. Yamanaka are always popular. The shinobi, the civilians. From the time they're born to the day they die, they're steeped in others' opinions and minds, learning how to be liked until it's instinctual by the time they join the Academy. They slip in so easily, have dozens of friends willing to do anything they ask.
Her smile is automatic and she couldn't stop it if she tried. (She has. She's tried so much but-)
She hadn't understood, when she was little, why had father put up with his teammates, why he let Shikaku and Chouza run over top of him the way he did. Ino had determined that she would be the leader of her team. (Shikamaru and Chouji hadn't gotten that memo, and she's thankful to them every day for that fact.)
Because Ino trusts her team and she trusts her friend (Thank you, Sakura, for being you.) And she trusts her father and her clan and village and she is a good shinobi dammit.
But Ino doesn't trust herself. She looks across the counter of her family's flower shop and Hello, Yamada-san, how is Yumiko-san today? and surprise in the eyes looking back at her before they warm, before giving her that opening-
Stop it. She bites down on her knuckle and pushes the memories back. Focuses on the room around her, on the bed under her. Feels her stomach churn and pushes back, pushes because she is a good shinobi.
She listens to orders. (Follows them religiously because Ino trusts her clan and her village and doesn't trust herself. Because it's so easy. To make them dance for her. To get lost in it-)
Chouji pulls her to lean back against him and Ino can feel the movement as he eats his chips. Smiles at him, bright and automatic and painful. But he's not looking, and she's so pathetically grateful. Something unknots between her shoulders and she rests more fully against him.
(She loves her team so much. How Chouji never took her words too seriously, how Shikamaru put up with her bossiness without ever letting her boss him. And isn't that a wonder? How she can tell them to do things with the silent, ingrained expectation of them getting done and have her teammates not do them?)
She knows her limits, has to. Shinobi who don't know their weaknesses tend to end up very dead because of them.
And Shikamaru...
She can give up control, can trust his plans in battle. (In missions, always. Because Shikamaru won't let her turn someone accidentally, will kick her under the table if she flirts too hard, will pull her back or give her the okay.) Shikamaru is their link, their leader, the one to catch the shadows in preparation for Chouji's physical attacks or Ino's mind techniques, and they trust him with their lives. (With their souls.)
Yes, Mistress. And she gags. Covers her mouth and breathes slowly. (Because she is a good shinobi.)
She doesn't mind assassination missions. Doesn't mind capture missions. Doesn't even really mind the special, subversion missions. (Kunoichi missions, seduction missions, are nothing for her, who can slip into their minds and give them the best of their dreams.) She doesn't mind. She doesn't.
She's a good shinobi, a good Mistress.
But-
But Yes, Mistress is different than-
Of course, Ino-
Nausea, hot and sour, clogs the back of her throat. Connections, blossoming out like poisonous runners, choking off healthy growth, digging into solid stone until it crumbles at a touch. Connections, rumors, whisssperrssss. Remember? Our parents always put us together as children. Remember? Best friends forever.
Ties to the Yamanaka, always a close friend, because Yamanaka know how to handle Assets that come to the village, even when they've never met the person in front of them claiming to be their long-time friend.
You're my friend, what are friends for.
Shikamaru's there when she loses the battle, and dry-heaves, hand cool against her forehead and Ino is so, so pathetically grateful. Tell me I did the right thing this time. Tell me-
"You did good," he says even as Chouji rubs her back.
She is a good shinobi. But Ino doesn't feel like a very good person.
The worst part of it, she thinks, the cruelest part, is that she's a Yamanaka, and Yamanaka need people. Ino needs people. She couldn't stop if she wanted to. (She wants to.) Because loneliness claws at her, digs in with claws and tears at her soul and-
Notice me! Look at me! She's a flower, and without attention, without sunlight, she withers away.
(The worst part is how good it feels. How natural. How right. How she wants to stop but she never wants to stop.)
The worst part is she knows herself. Knows herself well enough that she could edit out those parts if she wants to. Can root out the doubts that leave her nauseous after a mission. But she doesn't. She never does. (She knows her limits. Her weaknesses. And she can't get rid of this because shinobi who don't know their weaknesses die from them.)
"I'm alright," she lies.
Ino is a weaver, a spider. She teases apart the threads of her friends' minds and souls and plaits them into new shapes. Remember?
I'm your friend.
Remember?
You're my friend.
Remember?
Come into my parlor-
Friends.
Shikamaru's head lands in her lap, using her thighs as a pillow.
Her glare is habitual and fond. "Get off of me."
"Too troublesome," he mutters, eyes closed and laying on her.
She flops back against Chouji's chest, glances his way. And he holds out a chip in silent offer.
Ino swallows hard, knows what it means, and accepts the proffered comfort for what it is. Barbecue, because it's Chouji's favorite. He's a solid presence at her back and Shikamaru is a solid weight across her legs. An anchor to keep her from getting too lost.
"Love you, Ino-chan."
Her heart constricts, fights against it.
Shikamaru lets out a sigh. "Love you, troublesome woman."
Friendship. Honest and giving and combative and honest and Ino soaks it in like sunlight. Finally settles back into her own skin with a sigh as she goes boneless. "Love you two frustrating idiots."
(Ino doesn't trust herself. But her team? Shikamaru and Chouji trust her with everything about themselves.)
Tomorrow, they'll have to check in and give an update on the mission. Tomorrow she'll have to un-box the spider, water the poison flowers so they'll grow. But tonight...
Tonight she takes comfort in the friendship of her team.
XXX