A/N: So I'm trying something a little different here (at least this is a first for me). This oneshot is going to be the first in a series of three oneshots that are a slice-of-life/character study kind of thing about the main four boys. I was inspired by the seventh series of Skins and how they did 3 two-parter episodes about three of the show's most memorable characters.

Eric and Kyle are up first (naturally), and I think it's safe to say that doing my first ever self-conscious character study on a character like Eric Cartman wasn't the wisest thing to do, but, hey I never make it easy for myself. There are so many different facets of his character to analyse that if I attempted them all I probably would've written a massive tome of a fic, so I mostly focused on his character arc during season 20-21 (i.e. when he had his first, real girlfriend). I've rambled enough, so I hope you enjoy and I'd love to hear your thoughts! Thank you for reading!

The sky was dimming and evening was fast approaching as Eric was leaving his office. Through glass walls he saw that some of his colleagues were still there with no intention of going home just yet. It had been only slightly unnerving when Eric started working here, to realise there were people just as driven as him. Sure, he was competitive and obsessive enough to stay in the office all night, poring over a project into the early morning hours, but he also recognised he had a life... and a boyfriend. A wonderful, near enough perfect boyfriend who, after years of confused, lingering looks and even more confused, agitated flirting, he had finally landed, and was falling harder for with each date. That thought made a goofy smile spread across his face and his chest clench with an ugly, wretched anxiety he wished he could shake.

"Hey, you're leaving?"

Eric was snapped out of his thoughts by the sound of James' voice. He was standing in the small kitchenette, making a cup of coffee.

"Uh, yeah, shouldn't you be too?" Eric asked. "It's six thirty."

James shrugged, and leaned against the door, pushing his supposedly trendy glasses further up his nose.

"Sure, but I have a million things to do that need to be taken care of before Monday."

"Why don't you just work from home?"

James frowned. "That's kind of depressing."

"More depressing than spending Friday night in your office?" Eric smirked.

James laughed, short and only mildly offended. It was the kind of laugh that you would expect to hear when having banter with your crush. Eric thought it was pretty sweet and flattering, so he played along. Plus, his ego was always in need of stroking.

"Well, it would be more fun if I had some company but you're leaving so..." James' voice trailed off, just like his eyes over Eric.

"Yeah, and if I don't hurry I'm gonna be late," Eric replied, already walking away.

"Plans with Kyle, huh?"

"Just dinner and drinks," Eric replied, looking over his shoulder.

"That's fun." James nodded. "It sounds like you two are really happy, huh?"

Eric slowed then, not knowing what the honest answer was. Kyle may have made Eric happy, and he certainly enjoyed spending time with him, but was he happy with the increasing hold Kyle was having on him? Was he happy with the knowledge that he would soon have to surrender to something that terrified him? His feet already uneven on the precipice.

"Totally..." he nodded, speaking softly. He realised then, that he had come to a complete stop. "I'll, uh, see you Monday?"

"Sure." James smiled.

Eric walked away, picking up his pace before he could be asked any more unsettling questions.

When Eric arrived at the bar he saw Kyle already sat on one of the stools with his back to him, engrossed in his phone. It was funny how even in his most unremarkable moments Kyle could tug at Eric's heartstrings and the corners of his mouth. When Kyle was near him – even if he was on the other side of the room – that apprehension seemed to drift out of Eric's mind, as if his very presence was a welcoming, reassuring signal in stifling, poisonous fog. There was nothing to be scared of. Eric tried to remind himself of that as he approached him.

He softened his footsteps the closer he got to Kyle, and when he was behind him he placed his hands on his hips and leaned in.

"Hey, you better let whatever hot guy you're texting know that your boyfriend has just arrived."

Kyle jumped at the sound of Eric's voice in his ear.

"Shit, Eric, you scared the hell out of me!"

"So I caught you in the act, huh?" Eric chuckled, placing a kiss behind Kyle's ear in an effort to calm him down. He could feel Kyle's chest rising rapidly beneath his fingers.

"No, you caught me texting you that I bought you a beer for when you decided to show up..."

Eric glanced at the bar and saw the bottle of beer waiting for him. He grinned, taking a seat next to Kyle. He was flushed and exasperated, but still smiling at him.

"Okay, I take back the implication that you were cheating," he said, lifting the beer to his lips. "Thanks," he added, before taking a sip.

"No problem..." Kyle replied, his smile still unwavering.

It was moments like these that made it easier for Eric to believe the rug wasn't going to be pulled from under his feet. It was just too bad that the person he imagined holding that rug happened to be Kyle.

"... So then after the meeting with the CEO and marketing team this morning, I was in my office trying to come up with a pitch for the product all day."

"How long have you got to come up with something?" Kyle asked, twirling some linguine around his fork.

"Like, two days," Eric replied. "We're presenting our ideas on Monday."

"What have you got so far?"

"Right now?" Eric sighed. "Shit."

Kyle's shoulders slouched, as if he too was buckling a little under the weight of Eric's dilemma.

"You'll think of something," he assured, returning to his pasta.

"Really?" Eric couldn't help but smile. After years of being adversaries, Kyle's support was a strange, delightful sensation. He shifted in his seat and leaned in a little closer to him. "Because I could use a pep talk."

Kyle looked up from his dish with a playful smirk.

"Alright," he replied, setting down his fork and leaning in too. They were at a teasing distance from one another, but Eric knew that whatever words were about to come out of Kyle's mouth would be completely earnest. "You're great at your job, and the fact that the agency has decided to run with, what, ten of the ideas you've pitched since you started working there is proof of that."

Eric resented the heat suddenly crawling up his throat, and he ducked his head to hide from Kyle's amused, faithful gaze.

"You're, like, a modern day Don Draper without the charm," he teased.

Eric rolled his eyes in the hopes that it would smother his laughter. He couldn't blame Kyle for taking the opportunity to make a joke.

"Alright, alright could you stop making fun of me for two minutes to tell me how your day was?" Eric asked, smiling as he cut off another juicy piece of his steak.

"It was fine, the usual stuff happened," Kyle replied, leaning back. "I had to talk to Jessica's mom when she picked her up to discuss her biting issues, Toby wet his pants..."

"We had an intern called Toby a couple months ago. It's funny, he used to wet his pants too."

"That's not funny!" Kyle scolded. "You should be more sympathetic to the interns. You were in their position once too."

Eric rolled his eyes, still smiling. "You can spare me the lecture, Kyle."

"Anyway," Kyle continued, although Eric could tell he was trying to bite back an exasperated smile of his own. "I also talked to my mom during my lunch and she said she'd like to visit next weekend. So are you free next Saturday?"

"For what?"

"Brunch with my parents and Ike?"

Eric gulped, reaching for his glass of wine and taking a long sip. Something like brunch with your boyfriend's parents was inevitable, perhaps something to look forward to as well as fret about, but to Eric it also seemed like a reminder that this was too good to be true. Especially when Eric had never endeared himself to Kyle's parents over the years and they hardly tried to hide their opinion of him.

"Sure, but do you really want me there?" he asked, with a horrid nervous chuckle.

"Of course I do," Kyle replied, eyebrows furrowed. "Why would you even ask that?"

Eric huffed, putting his cutlery down because his hands were suddenly fidgety.

"Because, you know, your parents..."

"Yeah?"

"They don't exactly like me," Eric pointed out, like Kyle didn't know. "And I haven't really given them any reasons to."

There was a silence that made Eric believe he may have won this tiny argument – whatever the victory was worth.

"Well, don't you think spending some time with them now is the perfect opportunity to give them a couple of reasons to like you?" Kyle replied.

"I-i-it'll be awkward though," Eric protested.

"I don't care."

Eric huffed again, shaking his head.

"Wouldn't you rather go alone?"

"God damn it, Eric, no I wouldn't!" Kyle snapped. "How many times do I have to say it?"

Eric looked at Kyle, as sheepish as a pouting child who wasn't going to get his way so easily.

"I just think you're making a mistake..." he mumbled.

"I'm not, okay?" Kyle replied, looking into Eric's eyes and holding his gaze in a vice grip. "Maybe my parents don't like you, but that's too bad because I do, and they're going to have to get used to you being around."

Eric sighed, and ran a hand through his hair.

"God damn it..." he muttered, trying to his hide his face behind his arm.

Why did Kyle have all the answers? Why couldn't he get a proper hold on his intentions? Except the ones that filled his heart with relief and a happiness he had never known to be genuine? Why did he have to give in, when he thought he was so much smarter than this? Goosebumps prickled on his skin under Kyle's gentle fingers, stroking his arm.

"What's up?" Kyle whispered.

"Nothing!" Eric snapped, snatching his arm away.

And that was another thing, why did Kyle have to sense and feel the need to react to Eric's every emotion? Was he that predictable? And was Kyle relishing these moments of weakness?

"Then what was with the-"

"It was nothing! Jesus, do you have to be so sensitive?"

Kyle pulled back, stricken, and his face tightened with anger.

"Do you have to be so difficult!" he snapped.

Eric had no idea what move he could make next, but Kyle didn't seem to care. He shook his head and returned to his dish. Eric tried to do the same, but his appetite had vanished.

Although they didn't talk through the rest of dinner, Eric still found himself offering to walk Kyle home after the cheque had been paid. He didn't know why, except that the thought of parting ways at the restaurant doors was unbearable and Eric wanted to buy himself a little more time with Kyle, perhaps to make amends. Kyle clearly felt the same way, responding to the offer with a nod and a tight smile. But Eric wasn't inspired by the brisk evening air, or the disappointment simmering beneath Kyle's passive face. They had reached Kyle's door with no apologies exchanged, nothing forgiven.

"Well, uh, thanks for walking me home," Kyle said, with all the self-conscious politeness of a first date.

Except Eric didn't remember their first date being like that. He remembered laughing, and teasing, fingers clutching each other's coats, and lips connecting.

"No problem," he replied, wishing he had more to say. He didn't want to go, not just yet.

"So..." Kyle lingered. "Good night, then."

Eric nodded. "Yeah, good night."

Kyle tried to hide a quiet sigh from Eric but he heard it, discomfiting to his ears. He had turned his back on him, fishing in his coat pocket to find his keys. Eric didn't move, watching Kyle unlock the door and open it. This wasn't over just yet. He still had a chance to say something, anything to make this right. It may have been a blow to his pride, but he had been weighing up the cons of his pride losing out to keeping Kyle around and he was still stumped. Right now, he wasn't prepared to let Kyle go.

He stepped forward, fingers brushing Kyle's shoulder.

"I..."

Eric gulped when Kyle turned around, fingers withering as he retrieved his hand. But Kyle's eyes were bright with intrigue, patient, and he was ready to listen. Eric couldn't dismiss his words now. He sighed.

"I'm sorry if I acted like a douche at dinner."

Exasperation extinguished the gleam in Kyle's eyes.

"You did act like a douche."

Shit.

Eric nodded, bowing his head like somebody who was less indignant than him might do when they're being reprimanded.

"But I appreciate your apology." Kyle smiled, softer. He stroked Eric's arm. "Thank you."

Eric's skin warmed under Kyle's touch, his gratitude. Giving his arm a gentle squeeze, Kyle reached up to peck Eric's cheek. It was the closest their lips had been to each other all evening, and with a soft, ragged breath Eric abandoned his inhibitions and tilted his head, capturing Kyle's lips with his own. It was risky, since he was still unsure of the depths of Kyle's forgiveness. But his bold move seemed to pay off when Kyle returned the kiss, parting his lips for their tongues to meet. Eric cupped Kyle's face, lifting his chin to sample more of his lips while Kyle grasped Eric's waist with his free hand to pull their bodies flush together.

"And I'll be there next Saturday," Eric said between kisses. "For brunch with your parents. It'll be nice."

"Great." Kyle smiled, wide, and with flushed, gleaming lips. He lowered his lidded gaze to Eric's mouth and leaned into it. "But I don't wanna talk about my parents right now."

"Alright." Eric smiled, but it soon became lost in their lips' clasp.

Their hands started to roam as their kisses deepened, became hotter, and wetter, and interspersed with glistening gasps and moans. Kyle's hands clutched at Eric's waist while Eric's hands travelled to Kyle's hips, guiding him to the doorway and pressing him against the frame.

"Do you wanna come in?" Kyle asked, they were both panting when their lips separated.

Eric's heart fluttered at the invitation.

"Really? I thought you were mad at me."

Even Eric didn't believe that when he raked his gaze over Kyle. His darkened eyes, terse breaths, and warm, quivering body hardly suggested anger.

Kyle chuckled, avoided Eric's gaze.

"Yeah, I should be," he replied. "But my threshold for staying mad at you is receding the longer we date..."

Eric tugged Kyle closer to him, pressing their foreheads together.

"That's really fucking hot." He grinned.

"You're such a weirdo." Kyle chuckled, rolling his eyes.

He grabbed Eric's wrist and pulled him inside his apartment, slamming the door behind him.

Eric's eyelids were beginning to droop, growing heavier, but he would resist sleep as long as he could. There was no way he would abandon a moment as perfect as this; tangled in Kyle's sheets, arm wrapped around his shoulders while Kyle's head was resting on his chest. If Kyle tilted his chin his lips could brush against the lovebites he had littered on Eric's neck less than an hour ago. They were too exhausted to talk, but content in the silence, save for their ragged breath that was starting to mellow. Eric had his other arm resting behind his head, and smiled when Kyle reached across to stroke the milky underside, just below his bicep. He wished every minute with Kyle could be spent like this; safe, and intimate, their tight embrace warding off any insecurity and doubt.

"Eric?"

"Yeah?"

"You can tell me anything."

"I know." Eric replied, even if he wasn't sure he did. He placed a kiss in Kyle's hair, adoring the scent.

"Do you want to talk about what happened at dinner?"

He hoped Kyle couldn't feel his body stiffen, the heat rising on his skin.

"God damn it..." he sighed, rolling his eyes.

He had apologised, he had accepted Kyle's invitation to brunch, what more did he want from him? Pulling his arm from under Kyle, he then shifted away and pulled the covers further up his chest. He ignored Kyle's incredulous huff, but the severance of their embrace stung him too.

"What?" Kyle asked, and out of the corner of his eye Eric could see him sitting up.

"I thought we were letting this go," Eric replied, still refusing to look at him directly.

"Well, maybe you've let it go but I haven't!" Kyle snapped, followed by a sigh so weary Eric had no choice but to look at him. Kyle ran a hand through his hair, and when he looked at Eric his brow was furrowed in a plea that would never go away. "I just wish you would open up more, that's all. Eric, it's exhausting trying to figure out what you're feeling when you never tell me anything-"

"Why the fuck do you need to know everything?" Eric snapped. "Can I keep anything to myself? Can I have some fucking privacy?"

Kyle huffed, flopping back onto the mattress and tugging at the sheets too.

"Jesus, can we make it through one conversation without you getting defensive?" he asked, speaking to the ceiling.

"Or without asking pointless rhetorical questions that get us fucking nowhere?" Eric couldn't help but reply.

The glare Kyle shot him made Eric's voice shrink in his throat and regret his sarcastic comment immediately. Anger just seemed to set Kyle alight, Eric noticed, making him appear more fiery and intimidating. Perhaps it was the hair...

"Maybe if you gave me an honest answer instead of deflecting all the time we wouldn't have that problem..." he shook his head and looked at the ceiling again. "Fucking smartass..."

Eric sat up, temper flaring as well as his anxiety.

"At least I don't interrogate your every move!"

Kyle's eyes widened, indignant and he sat up too.

"Sometimes I wish you would!"

Eric balked, eyebrows furrowed.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"You never want to listen! Whenever we try to talk about this stuff you just shut off, like I'm the unreasonable one!" Kyle's shoulders fell, finally relieved of that emotional weight. But it had left his voice brittle, broken. "Do you even care about how I feel?"

"Of course I do!" Eric exclaimed. "I..."

Maybe it was the fact that Kyle was naked, maybe it was the taste of him still on his lips, or maybe it was the weary expression on his face, still patient when so many would've given up, but Kyle had never looked more vulnerable to Eric. It was endearing, but humbling and sobering too, almost convincing Eric to follow suit... to tell Kyle everything he had buried, and feared, even if he resorted to babbling his unrefined words because Kyle wouldn't care, he would just listen. But paranoia had a tighter hold on him than Kyle ever could, and in Eric's mind the two were sworn enemies. Suddenly, Kyle's vulnerability was stifling, and unnerving, and Eric couldn't let his judgement be clouded by it. He had to leave, he had to run.

He huffed, shaking his head.

"I don't need to deal with this shit..." he muttered, turning away from Kyle and retrieving his boxers and pants from the floor.

"Where are you going?" Kyle asked.

Eric could feel the mattress dip as Kyle shuffled over to him, no doubt trying to get him to stay. But he was already half-dressed.

"Home," he replied, grabbing his shirt and throwing it on, buttoning it up as he left Kyle's room.

"Eric!" Kyle called after him. "Eric, wait!"

As he retrieved his shoes he heard Kyle leap out of bed to find his own clothes, hurried and desperate.

"Shit..." he heard Kyle mutter, before his footsteps drew closer.

"Eric!" Kyle shouted. "You're not doing this to me!"

When Eric turned around he saw Kyle in his unbuttoned shirt and boxers, seething and flushed, and Eric flinched at how wild he had driven him.

"I'm not becoming another Heidi fucking Turner, okay?!"

"What?" Eric balked, wondering what the hell she had to do with anything. "That was nearly twenty years ago, Kyle!"

"But nothing has changed, has it?" Kyle pointed out, rueful smile trembling with spite. "You're still pulling the shit you were pulling back then, like a scared, spoiled little kid! And if you wanna act like a child, that's your problem, but you are not fucking breaking me like you broke her!" Kyle's smile had completely vanished. "Not just for my sake, but for yours too! I know you! I know what will happen if you keep pushing people away! If you don't ease up on your damn pride so you can compromise, and trust, and let people in! You'll end up alone and miserable! The world isn't out to fucking get you, Cartman!"

Eric winced. Kyle only ever called him by his last name when he was furious at him. It reminded him of every horrible thing he had done, and returning to his present it made him wonder if he had changed at all. It was as perturbing as a ghost, so corrosive that Eric could feel the syllables scraping at his insides.

"Only you are!" Kyle continued. "You're just sabotaging yourself! Can't you see that?"

Eric's nostrils flared, and he balled his fists.

"Maybe I could if people would stop stabbing me in the back and making me look like a fucking idiot!"

"What the hell are you talking about?!" Kyle demanded. "Since we started dating, what reasons have I given you not to trust me?"

Eric searched his brain, but nothing came to mind... except the incidents he had perceived in his head. But even they seemed flimsy and pathetic now.

"Well, you... I..."

"Yeah?" Kyle challenged, stepping closer. "What, Eric?"

"I... I just..." Eric was so close to telling Kyle everything, but that would mean admitting defeat. He had to say something, there had to be another way to say it. "I just feel trapped!"

Kyle stumbled, eyes searching Eric all over for an explanation.

"I... I never meant to trap you-"

"Well, you have!" Eric snapped. "Happy now? Happy now that I've 'opened up'?"

Kyle scowled, eyes burning holes in Eric but he was sure Kyle was hurting more. Shame crawled up his throat.

"You're such a fucking asshole," Kyle said through gritted teeth. "I don't know what I've done to make you feel trapped, but that was never my intention. In fact, it seems like I'm the only one who's been trying to make this work! All I've wanted is for us to be happy-"

"But I'm not fucking happy!"

Eric regretted it as soon as he screamed it, the both of them reeling. The look on Kyle's face actually hurt him, crushing his heart. He wanted to take it back, to brush away the tears pooling at Kyle's lashes before they could fall, press his quivering body close to him before it was wracked with sobs. But his limbs felt weighted, his tongue limp, his voice had vanished. It felt like he was drowning in a nightmare. He had never wanted this.

"Do you really mean that?" Kyle asked. His voice wasn't the only thing that was broken.

No! Eric's mind was screaming. But he didn't know if was true, he didn't even know what he wanted.

Kyle. To Eric, he was perfect, but perfection was too good to be true. Trusting Kyle was too frightening when Eric knew the devastation that would follow when Kyle let him down, but they couldn't go on like this.

"I... I don't know, Kyle," Eric replied, forcing the words out. "But... whatever I'm feeling I can't fucking stand it any longer."

Kyle's breath hitched, eyes glistening.

"Well... I... could we at least try to fix this?"

But you're the problem.

"I don't think so," Eric muttered. The guilt was unbearable. He couldn't stay here any longer.

Kyle ducked his head and took a shattered breath, resigning himself to a terrible reality that remained unspoken. Wasn't this supposed to feel like a victory? To Eric, it felt like a devastating defeat.

"Then I don't know what else I can do. Relationships..." Kyle shook his head, still bowed. "They shouldn't have to be this difficult, Eric."

Eric's nose burned and tears pricked his eyes. He tried to open his mouth to speak but no words would come out. He had already done enough. How was this the right thing? He could have almost forgotten what he was so terrified of in the first place. When Kyle finally looked up at him, Eric was sure the tremendous pain in his chest was his heart snapping in two. He never knew that hurting someone could be so painful.

"I can't believe I thought you were the one," Kyle added. "I guess I was just fucking kidding myself when I thought this was... special."

What the hell have you done?

Eric was shaking. A tear rolled down his cheek.

"I think you should go..." Kyle whispered, dropping his gaze to the floor.

"No." Eric shook his head, stepping closer. He would still fix this. "No, I don't want to-"

"You've said plenty, Eric," Kyle replied, backing away. "You've made your feelings perfectly clear."

Desperation drove Eric forward.

"But, Kyle, I-"

"God, will you please fuck off?!" Kyle cried.

Eric stumbled, shaken. But he was sick of feeling guilty. This wasn't solely his fault, it wasn't. And if Kyle wanted him to leave then he would fucking go...

"Huh... you know, I really should thank you, Kyle," Eric replied, a sardonic smile on his face. "You've just proven my fucking point."

Fresh tears sprung in Kyle's eyes, his lip wobbling. But his nostrils flared, and his mouth soon tightened into a scowl.

"Get out!" he yelled shoving Eric away from him.

He didn't say any more, storming out and slamming the door. But out in the hallway, alone, it felt like he had finally woken up from the nightmare. But reality was just as horrible, and his 'freedom' not so wonderful. In fact, it was cold and lonely, why had he traded Kyle's warm bed for this? Why did he think he would win? When his insecurities would win, every time?

Four days of unanswered texts and dodged calls and still Eric was typing out the same, familiar pleas to Kyle, calling his number only to be greeted by a voicemail message. Despite the building desperation that Eric needed to be relieved, maybe it was for the best that Kyle hadn't responded, since he had no clue what he even wanted from him. Forgiveness? An apology? A reunion? Ideally, a chance to get his side of the story across. Although time alone with his muddled thoughts still hadn't unknotted them. He hoped that away from Kyle's apartment, and with their charged emotions simmering, he could articulate himself a little better.

Right now, sat on his couch with the TV muted as he waited for Kyle to answer the phone, articulacy seemed like a pipedream. He chewed at the nail of his thumb, and his leg wouldn't stop jittering as he prayed to hear Kyle's voice. His heart clenched when the ringing came to an end, only to deflate when he heard the automated message again.

"Shit!" he muttered.

This was his cue to hang up, usually too nervous to leave a message, but anxiety and pride seemed to have been swallowed up by his damn desperation. At least it was good for something... But then there was silence, bottomless and dark. Eric gulped.

Pretend that this is a normal conversation.

He smiled, though his lips wavered.

"Hey... uh..." he sighed, shoulders slouching and he rubbed his face. Who was he kidding? This wasn't like any conversation he had ever had before. "Listen, Kyle, I know this is probably a waste of time but I need to talk to you, okay? Face to face, I just need to see you so we can talk about this. I... I, I need to explain, because what happened at your apartment was a mess, and you haven't replied to any of my texts, or answered any of my calls, so this is it." Eric froze at the finality of those last couple of words. He would never call himself superstitious, but it felt like putting the last nail in the coffin. Though maybe he had done that four days ago? "I guess you ignoring me is a clear fucking sign that I should give up. But I don't want to, not yet. Still, I... I'm really close to doing just that. So I guess what I'm saying is that the ball's in your court. Hopefully, I'll, uh, hear from you soon. Bye."

He sighed as he hung up, tossing his phone to the other side of the couch because he didn't want to look at it anymore. He didn't want to think about Kyle for the rest of the night - although that seemed impossible.

Kyle must have been unaffected by Eric's voicemail, since three more days passed in agonising silence. Eric had thrown the ball into Kyle's court and was now regretting it. In fact, he was starting to wonder why he had made such a move in the first place. Handing over his control? He would never dream of doing such a thing. But his dreams had been clouded by Kyle lately. Even as a manifestation of Eric's subconscious he was sneaky, making him feel things he had never felt before. Wasn't this kind of shit supposed to stop now that they were no longer together? The realisation gnawed at his heart a little, but he supposed he had to get used to the reality. The signs were pretty clear, after all. A knock at his office door snapped him out of his thoughts.

"Come in..."

It was James, whose enthusiastic grin offended Eric beyond belief right now.

"Hi! I'm just heading out for lunch and I was wondering if you wanted coffee, or-"

"No, thanks."

Normally work was never a chore for him, but all week he had wanted to call in sick and stay in bed all day. He had been so preoccupied with thoughts of Kyle that he had to make a hasty, half-assed pitch at the meeting on Monday which his bosses – unsurprisingly – didn't go for. Now he was forced to work on somebody else's idea when he knew that given the right circumstances he could have come up with something so much better.

James sighed, shutting the door behind him and walking over to Eric's desk.

"Alright, what's up? You've been moping around all week."

"Nothing, it's nothing." Eric shook his head, waving off his concern. "You wouldn't wanna know."

"Well, maybe I do? Can I hazard a few guesses?"

"By all means," Eric muttered, eyes never leaving his computer screen.

"Okay... boy trouble?"

Shit. It's really that obvious?

"Got it in one." Eric chuckled weakly, pursing his lips before his voice could wobble.

"What happened?"

"We had a fight last week, and we haven't talked since."

"Oh..." James whispered, and Eric spared a glance at him. An unsure smile played across his lips. "Still, it's not as if you're the first guy who's had to suffer through the silent treatment, right?"

"Right," Eric replied, before his gaze wandered again. "But this seems definite..."

The silence was as thick as molasses, trapping James in Eric's office, neither of them were able to move the conversation along.

"I'm really sorry, Eric," James muttered.

But when Eric looked at him the small smile on his face was hard to ignore. For the first time in days Eric actually smirked.

"Really? You don't look sorry."

"What?" James blinked. "Oh no, I really am sorry, it's awful, I just..." he scratched at his arm, his smile dying to widen at the corners. "I just had an idea, that's all."

"What?"

"Well, a couple of us are going out tonight and I just thought that maybe you'd wanna come? Take your mind off Kyle."

"Oh, I don't know..." Eric shook his head, swivelling his chair to face his computer once again.

"Come on, it'll be fun!" James replied. "You'll have a few drinks, dance, and wake up with a huge smile on your face. Guaranteed."

"Not if I'm hungover," Eric pointed out, glancing at James with an arched eyebrow.

"But at least that would be evidence of a great night."

"Yeah..." Eric sighed. Maybe a brief shot of amnesia was what he needed? Although he was sure blotting out things you wanted to forget with alcohol was the start of a drinking problem. But he had more control than that, surely? Yes, he did, and he needed to prove it now that he was most definitely single. He grinned. "Fuck it, count me in."

"Great!" James replied, practically bouncing on his toes.

Eric couldn't help but smile at him, not his heart – but his ego – fluttering.

Buzzed from God knows how many post-work cocktails, and the approving, bubbly laughter of James- and the two girls he had seen at the printer countless times and whose names he was struggling to remember - Eric was starting to think he could get used to the liberated, bar-hopping aspect of single life. Sure, he and Kyle had fun, talking and flirting until the restaurant closed and staying up all night in the security of each other's beds, but he hadn't been out drinking, just him and a group of friends for a long time, and he'd forgotten how fun it was. And yeah, being single had its downsides - loneliness, for example. But Eric could think of nothing better than having time and space to himself. He had been raised an only child, after all. He was perfectly capable of entertaining himself! And if he ever got bored, or if that itch for attention needed to be scratched, then he could go out on nights just like these and find some company. If he was ever in need of a wingman he'd give Kenny a call... or Butters... they had lost touch in recent years, it would be cool to hang out with them again.

The girls wanted to dance, and so had dragged Eric and James to a nightclub. He had wanted to grumble at the typically long line, but instead cheered along with the rest of his drunken gang. But as they stumbled to the back of the line, Eric spotted an unmistakable flash of curly red hair. Could he ever escape him?

"Oh my God..." he murmured, swaying as he stared. "Kyle..."

Eric wandered away from his work friends, ignoring their confusion. This was the first time he had seen Kyle in days. Everything and everybody else around him melted into an insignificant blur. He was busy talking to a girl he faintly recognised, and amongst the pounding music, and the murmured conversation of jostling people he looked happy, carefree. Eric wondered whether he had to pretend at all, or if he had needed any drinks beforehand to lull him into that state.

"Kyle?"

His smile dropped when he saw Eric, and his gaze fell to his shoes. He fidgeted, folding his arms before finally staring into Eric's eyes. His piercing stare was so sharp that it nicked at Eric's resolve, draining any giddiness until he was actually starting to feel sober.

"Hi," he replied, clipped and overdue.

"Yeah, hi..." Eric whispered, smile wavering. He cleared his throat. "What are you doing here?"

Kyle hated clubs, but he shrugged like Eric didn't remember that.

"I'm just out. You remember Kate and Amy, right?"

They were Kyle's old college friends that Eric had only seen in photos on social media. He never expected them to look like that in real life, rid of their carefree smiles for the camera. Tight, polite smiles that hid their disapproval were painted on their faces now. Clearly, Kyle had filled them in on the events of the past week.

"Yeah, um, hi..." Eric said.

They both nodded at him before their attention returned to their phones. Like Eric cared, he wasn't there to talk to them.

"So... who are you here with?" Kyle asked.

"Some people from work," Eric replied, gesturing to the back of the line.

Kyle nodded, wrapping his arms tighter around his chest. Their breath was dense and silvery in the chilly air.

"That's nice." He smiled.

"Yeah..." Eric stepped forward, and Kyle's smile vanished in his shadow. "Did you hear my – have you been getting my-"

"Yeah, I have," Kyle cut in, gaze wandering. Stiff and disinterested, his guard was raised. He was no longer the warm, welcoming Kyle Eric remembered.

"Oh..." he whispered, backing away. "Okay..."

They just stared and waited, but for what? Eric didn't know what he was prepared to give. Kyle's face was crumpling at the edges, like he would cry if he wasn't surrounded by all these people. There were so many things Eric knew he had to say, that he desperately needed to admit, but would never do in public, that he could never do if his pride or his fear had anything to do with it.

"Have a good night," he simply said, ringing hollow amongst the cacophony.

"Thanks," Kyle replied, nodding. "You too."

Eric forced a tight smile before walking away from Kyle again. It was a habit he wished he could kick.

The club was packed, and yet Eric couldn't escape Kyle. Across the dancefloor teeming with sweaty bodies their eyes were sure to meet. Bright, restless lights sliced through Eric's drunken vision like flashes of lightening, capturing Kyle as a solemn, yearning figure of some Gothic fantasy. He always made a point of staring, before turning to his friends and smiling like nothing was wrong, a drink in hand. Eric didn't care how he looked in his cosy, safe booth, his table crowded with empty bottles and glasses that mostly belonged to him. He had wanted to take the edge off Kyle being here, and he seemed to have succeeded.

"Hey!" James grinned, sliding into the booth with another drink. "Aren't you gonna dance or anything?"

Eric glanced at the dancefloor, saw those two perky girls from the office (whose names he still couldn't remember) laughing hysterically as they tried to perfect seductive dance moves with limbs elasticised by alcohol. He snickered and shook his head.

"I don't dance."

James nodded and dropped his grin, but Eric's attention was soon drawn to a familiar face by the bar. So many people, so many hilarious, outrageous displays of inebriation they could be gawking at, and yet they only seemed to be interested in watching each other.

"Don't let him get to you!" James was suddenly shouting in his ear.

"Who?" Eric asked, turning to James. "Kyle? He's not, I..." Magnetically, helplessly, he glanced at Kyle again. "I couldn't care less."

He took another sip of his beer, as if the numbing effects of alcohol could make him believe that.

"What did you say to him? When you saw him earlier?"

"Nothing." Eric shrugged. "I just told him to have a good night."

"What exactly did you guys fight about, anyway?"

Eric rolled his eyes and laughed.

"Christ, are you always this fucking nosy?"

Eric swore that even in his increasingly blurry vision, distorted by synthetic colours, he saw a blush rush to James' cheeks.

"I'm just curious!" he laughed.

Eric smirked and shook his head, thumbing at the neck of his bottle as he thought of an answer.

"I can't even fucking remember," he replied. "Things were so good, and I was happy, and then... I don't know, we just started fighting more. Like, he kept nagging me, wanted me to talk about all this deep, emotional shit. And I don't do deep, emotional shit, you know? Who the fuck wants to talk about that?" He glanced at James and he nodded in agreement, still smiling. "He was all like, 'I know you're upset, I know you're not telling me something' and how? How the fuck did he know? He thinks he can read me so fucking easily and... God, he's never been good at letting things go..." Eric's smirk faded and he lowered his gaze. "Except for me, clearly."

James laughed, and shook his head, leaning in closer so Eric could feel his breath on his neck.

"He's a fucking idiot for letting you go..." His voice was low and thrumming in Eric's ear. His hand was warm as it travelled up his thigh.

Eric twitched at the feeling of James' palm pressed against the sensitive area, not entirely unwelcome, yet an earnest voice was pleading with him to shove James' hand away from his leg. He glanced at his lap, and when he looked up he wasn't sure if Kyle stood by the bar was a mirage formed by his conscience. His stare was cutting through the oblivious crowd, pleading with him almost as loud as that damn voice in his head, but what was he trying to say? If he cared so much then why didn't he come over here and talk to Eric himself? Hell, fight for him! But who was Eric kidding when he would rather drink to forget Kyle was here than try to have a conversation with him at all? He frowned, hoping his empathy would travel over the pounding music and reach Kyle over on the other side of the room.

"He's still looking over here..." Eric could practically hear the smile in James' voice. He started to apply gentle pressure to his thigh. "You think he's jealous?"

"Yeah... maybe..."

Eric didn't know what the hell was going on between them anymore. He shifted in his seat so James' hand was closer to his crotch, and he turned his head to smile at him. James eyes' were glinting, his tongue prodding at his lips, what he wanted was so obvious. It was painted across his face. Right now, Eric only had patience for people who were predictable, who knew what they wanted... especially when what they wanted was him. He took one last look at Kyle, giving him one last chance to do something.

"I don't give a shit what he thinks anymore," Eric announced, before staring at James' full, waiting lips.

He wanted to kiss them, but something – rather, someone – was making him hesitate. When did his whole life, his whole personality, start to revolve around Kyle? Why was he allowing him to influence so many of his actions when Kyle had no problem ignoring him? When he didn't even have the fucking balls to admit outright he wanted Eric out of his life? He was no different to anybody else who wanted to change him, to deceive him, only to leave him with nothing. And if Kyle wanted to leave him, Eric may as well give him a reason to. They could consider this a clean break. Eric smashed his lips against James', and with how closely they had huddled together in the booth, Eric could feel James' body jolt against his when their lips met. He squeezed Eric's thigh, opened his mouth to push his tongue between his lips. This wasn't how this was supposed to feel. This was supposed to be triumphant, and liberating, and fucking hot at least, but it felt like none of those things. It felt desperate, and rushed and cheap, and Eric hated it. It hurt he hated it so much, and he pulled away, disgusted with himself.

He looked to the bar once again, searching for a quick fix, for salvation, for Kyle. He easily found him, like an incandescent star in the sky. But seeing Kyle didn't flood his heart with hope, he didn't offer any forgiveness. He had seen it all, had watched like one would watch a car crash - horrific, but you can't peel your eyes away. Kyle was fixing him the same hard, stern stare as he did the night of their disastrous argument, eyes glittering with tears. It prompted the same instinct in Eric – run away and save yourself.

"Are you alright?" James asked.

"No..." Eric's voice was lost in the music. He shook his head. "No, I'm not..."

Eric shuffled out of the booth, his head whirring as he stood up.

"Hey!" James called from across the table, shifting along the fake leather seats too. "Where are you going?"

"Outside!" Eric replied, he needed air. "Don't follow me!"

Eric turned away and began pushing through the crowd before he could hear James' response. He navigated his way through glistening, sweaty limbs and was panting and sweating himself by the time he reached the exit. The din of shrill, exuberant conversations rang in his ears and he welcomed the cold, night air on his face. Teeth gritted and fists balled, he stumbled into the alley. It stank of piss and moulding garbage but it was better than being trapped in a nightclub with your ex and the co-worker you just made out with. Eric growled, gripping his hair and pacing as he wondered what the fuck he was thinking, and what the hell he was going to do now, because he couldn't find anybody else to blame for his actions except himself. And that realisation alone filled him with such despair that thick, repressed sobs broke though his enraged seal. He buried his head in his hands.

"Eric!" Kyle's voice sliced through the mingled conversation of passersby. "Eric, are you out here?"

Eric froze, swiping at his tears and trying to compose himself as Kyle neared him.

"Eric?"

He turned around, wiping his hands on his jeans, and saw Kyle glowering at him. He gulped. His feet seemed to be stuck to the wet pavement as Kyle stormed over to him.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?!" Kyle demanded, shoving him.

Eric stumbled, but was undeterred by Kyle's rage. He had been well-acquainted with it since preschool, after all. He shrugged.

"Just getting some fresh air."

"No, you fucking smartass, I mean what the hell were you doing in there! Who was that you were making out with?!"

Eric swallowed the lump that had risen in his throat. Did he have to be reminded of that?

"James," he replied. "I work with him."

"Huh, that's really fucking classy, Eric! Is this what you think we're doing now? Fucking random people?"

"Well, we're clearly not fucking each other anymore, so..."

Kyle winced, and although he tried to disguise it with a disapproving huff Eric knew him too well to not notice when he was hurt. He shook his head.

"I can't believe you-"

"What?" Eric snapped, throwing his arms up at his sides and stepping closer. "What did you expect me to do? Pine for you forever? Keep waiting for you even though you've been ignoring me for the past week?" He shook his head. "See, this is what's so fucking twisted about getting involved with people! It's all a big fucking trick! They make you feel so fucking happy and then... that's where the problems start, because as soon as you start to trust them, they break you down, and fuck you over!" His eyes started to burn again, and he shook his head with a rueful laugh. "So I guess the joke's on me again, right? Because as soon as I start to feel like I can't live without you, you go ahead and leave me anyway!"

Eric was seething now, and Kyle was wide-eyed and bewildered in front of him. Eric was so furious at what Kyle had reduced him to, and he turned his back on him so he wouldn't see him cry. He hid his face in his hands once more. The sound of his sobbing filled the alley.

"Eric..." Kyle murmured, fingers brushing Eric's shoulder but he shrugged him away.

"Fuck off!" he cried.

"Eric..." Kyle whimpered. He raised his voice. "Eric, look at me!"

Grabbing Eric's shoulders, Kyle spun him around to face him. His grip soon softened, and he looked into Eric's eyes.

"I'm so sorry," he added, talking slowly like he didn't want to startle him. "I've handled this completely the wrong way. It's just that... shit, I was so mad at you. But..." Kyle reached up to cup Eric's cheek, swiping a tear. Eric was still sniffling. "I never wanted to leave you. You..." Kyle pursed his lips, his own eyes wet. "You just made me feel like I had no other choice."

Eric shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut and releasing more tears.

"I've ruined it," he replied. "Kyle, I'm sorry, I've fucking ruined it-"

Kyle cut him off by wrapping his arms around him and pulling him into a tight embrace. The kind of embrace that Eric believed was the safest place in the world, the kind of embrace that could silence his despair forever. He returned the hug, and gave Kyle a squeeze.

"Sshh, it's okay," Kyle whispered, stroking Eric's back. His body was still wracked with sobs. "Come on, I think you better go home."

Eric nodded, and even when they pulled away from their embrace Kyle didn't let Eric go. He held his hand as he led them out of the alley, and walked them home.

Like returning to reality after a hypnotist act, Eric had found himself in Kyle's bed when it only seemed like moments ago he was stumbling down the streets with him. He had been sleeping over the covers, and he awoke to a dry mouth and a head that felt stuffed with cotton wool, soaked with memories that blurred into one another. He remembered sipping at cocktails and laughing, running into Kyle, doing shots with the guys from work, finding Kyle under the restless club lights, James' hand on his leg, their kiss, the smell of the alley assaulting his nostrils, tears burning his eyes, and Kyle again. Kyle glaring at him, hugging him, holding his hand.

Yawning sunlight crept into his vision and he squinted. Turning away from the window, he was greeted by the sight of Kyle sleeping peacefully beside him. His face was half-shielded by his arm, and he was wearing a t-shirt and pyjama bottoms that Eric had often seen him wear during lazy days spent at this apartment. They would watch movies, sprawled out on the sofa, and Eric would lean over and tickle Kyle in the ribs. He loved the feeling of Kyle's body thrumming with breathless laughter beneath his fingers. Eric smiled, and reached out, fingertips brushing Kyle's skin. He had to be gentle, he knew how much of a light sleeper Kyle was. Kyle's eyelids trembled and he stirred. Eric snatched his hand away, heart pounding as he watched Kyle nestle into the pillows.

He couldn't believe he was next to Kyle again, but gratitude and relief overwhelmed his surprise. After all, Kyle's patience and fortitude when it came to dealing with him throughout the years was staggering. He was never going to give up that easily. Eric's heart prickled with shame then, that he could ever think Kyle would be so fickle as to flood his life with happiness before snatching it away. That horrid, prickling feeling crawled up his throat when he remembered what he had accused Kyle of. He wished he didn't have to wait until they were both awake to apologise. He could have just whispered it to him now, but there were so many things he needed to let Kyle know, and he realised that once he had told Kyle one thing he wouldn't be able to stop himself from telling him the rest. No, Kyle deserved to hear it all, unfiltered and unpractised so he would know it was honest. At least Eric could vow to himself he would only be that from now on. Honest. It would be difficult, it would take time, but he was willing to do it if Kyle could help him.

He fell asleep with a smile on his face, but when he woke up later Kyle was no longer beside him. Confusion and panic pierced his stewed mind, but when he reached for his phone on the floor and discovered he had a text from Kyle, he brightened. The text read:

Gone to brunch with Ike and my parents. Help yourself to whatever. I'll talk to you later.

The lack of kisses left Eric deflated, not exactly promising. But it was his job to fix that, and impatient as he was, he had to fix it now. Invigorated, he got out of bed and went about freshening himself up. He had to look nice for brunch with his boyfriend's parents, after all.

Eric may have been totally predictable to Kyle, but that didn't mean that Kyle was so hard to read. Eric knew exactly where Kyle would take his family to brunch, because Kyle had taken him to that restaurant when they had slept in and were too lazy to make breakfast themselves. Peering through the window, he saw Kyle sat next to Ike, chatting to his parents across the table. He smiled, and it quelled the anxiety tightening in his chest, even if he knew he was about to disturb an otherwise pleasant family gathering. Taking a deep breath, he walked to the door and reeled at the sudden rush of warmth from the heaters placed above it, and the bubbly chattering of the other diners.

But spotting Kyle's mop of red hair was like spotting a welcoming lighthouse in fierce, clamouring waves. He just had to swim through his nerves to find him. He weaved through the tables and eventually reached Kyle's table. Their conversation sounded hollow when his heart was pounding in his ears. In fact, he could barely hear his own thoughts.

"Hi..." he breathed out.

Eric was suddenly made aware of how tall he stood over the table when they all looked up from their coffee and menus, with varying degrees of surprise. Kyle's dad offered him the briefest, most uncomfortable look of confusion before returning to his menu, Ike's brow furrowed but was most concerned with the reaction of his brother who looked... mortified. Not exactly what Eric was hoping, but it occurred to him then that he didn't really know what he was expecting.

"Why, hello, Eric!"

He was brought back to reality by Kyle's mom, who at least was trying to ground the situation in some politeness and normalcy. Eric supposed he should thank her for that.

"'Sup, man?" Ike added, still stealing worried glances of Kyle.

"Hey, I..." Eric closed his eyes and shook his head. He could feel himself shaking. "I-I-I'm sorry for interrupting-"

"It's alright." Kyle's mom smiled.

"What are you doing here?" Kyle asked, and Eric felt weakened by relief that Kyle still did want to talk to him.

"I need to talk to you."

Kyle glanced around the table before returning to Eric and lowering his voice. "Okay, but can we do this later?"

"No, it has to be now." Eric's voice was firm, even though it felt like everything inside was crumbling.

"Then can we at least go outside?"

Eric shook his head.

"I need witnesses, I..."

Taking a shaky breath, Eric followed his instincts and got down on his knees, taking Kyle's hands and holding them.

"Eric, what the hell is going on?" Kyle asked, frozen and bewildered.

"Trust has always been a problem for me," Eric began, trying to sort through all the things he had wanted to tell Kyle when he saw him, that he had needed to tell him for a while now. "It's hard for me to trust people, to trust myself, even, what I'm feeling... and feeling angry, and cheated, and belligerent? That was comfortable for me, but feeling happiness and contentment?" He shook his head. "That was always something to be suspicious of, especially when another person was responsible for all that. When you start to care for people, when you start to let them occupy your thoughts, it makes you vulnerable, you know? At least, it made me feel so weak. I couldn't deal with that, I couldn't let that happen, so I started to doubt people... no matter how good they were for me, or how well they treated me. I had to convince myself there was some sinister, ulterior motive to their actions, because pushing them away seemed less painful then letting people in. But then you..." Eric squeezed Kyle's hands and smiled. "You've always been different, Kyle. No matter how hard I pushed, you didn't budge an inch." He stopped when he heard Kyle snicker, sheepish and dazed, and his own smile brightened. "For years you've been challenging me, and calling me out on my shit, and you were always there for me. It was only a couple years ago that I realised that maybe I wanted to be with you, and it was only two months ago that we decided to give this a shot. But I haven't been playing fair. I've never really been good at that. It's just that I... panicked. Honestly, I was terrified of losing you. I was terrified that you'd make me so happy and then just leave me with nothing. I ruined this the moment I started to trust you, because to me that just meant the beginning of the end. I started to doubt you, and resent you for making me feel this way, and it's horrible, because I didn't want to feel that way about you. I just want to be with you, without sabotaging it, because you were right. That's what I always do, and I don't want to end up alone, and I especially don't want to lose you for good. I hope I haven't, because you're the best thing that's ever happened to me, Kyle." Eric ignored the stinging in his eyes, the clenching of his heart. "I don't know how I got so God damn lucky, and I'm the least deserving guy in the world to have you. But I want to change that. You make me want to be a better person, the kind of boyfriend you deserve. I will never stop trying to make you happy, and I swear, I will start putting as much effort into this as you have. I'm not scared anymore. I'm done with all the bullshit I've been getting away with my entire life, and I'm done with hurting you, and pushing you away. I'm so sorry for everything I've put you through, because I've put you through hell, I can see that now. I hurt you so much that I almost turned you into the person I was afraid of. I pushed you to your limits and almost broke you. I know you were afraid of becoming like Heidi, but..." Eric shook his head, rubbed at Kyle's wrist with his thumb. "You'll never be like her. I can't stop loving you long enough for you to be like her. I'm sorry I haven't told you sooner, but I do love you, Kyle... with all my heart."

A tear splashed onto his arm and pulled him out of his reverie, and when he looked at Kyle his face was flushed, his eyes glistening. It seemed he was dazed too, but a smile soon flickered on his face and he let go of Eric's hand to cup his face, and bring their lips together. Their tears travelled down their cheeks when their lips met, and Eric could've buckled at the feeling of Kyle's lips pressed against his own again.

"I love you too," Kyle murmured. He was blurry in Eric's eyes.

"I love you so fucking much," Eric replied, voice thick. He stole another kiss. "I'm so sorry."

Kyle shook his head and threw his arms around Eric's shoulders, burying his face in his neck. Sighing, Eric closed his eyes and wrapped his arms around Kyle's back, pulling them together in a tender clasp. This was perfect, and Eric wasn't afraid to acknowledge it. How could he have ever wanted to be anywhere else?

"Uh... we're still here, guys." Ike pointed out.

He supposed being somewhere a little more private and away from Kyle's family would've been preferable. They pulled away from each other, red-faced and exchanging shy smiles.

"Really touching though..."

"Ike!" Kyle's father hissed.

Ike raised his hands in defence, before nudging Kyle and grinning at the both of them. Eric had learned long ago that Kyle didn't hold his father's opinion in high regard, and neither did his little brother.

"So are you going to join us, Eric?" Kyle's mom asked.

"Yeah." Eric nodded, emboldened by Kyle's wide smile. "That would be great."

Standing up, Eric then grabbed a chair from another table and placed it close to Kyle. When he sat down, he didn't hesitate to reach out for Kyle's hand on the table and weave their fingers together. For the first time in his life, he wanted to love somebody without a second thought.