Let's try and write a self-insert prompt for Hyperdimension Neptunia. I read a couple of self-inserts, and I want to try my own hand at the whole 'get the SI into the game' situation.

Unfortunately, I'm not sane. In fact, I don't think I've been sane for a looong time.

Things will be slightly different.

This'll be fun.

Cold.

Cold and wet.

Why am I wet?

My eyes open slowly at first, to find myself face first in a pile of grass. I'm on the ground; squishy, damp ground. Definitely not my bed.

Definitely not my home.

I don't remember falling asleep here...Actually, I don't remember falling asleep at all.

But how did I get here?

I'm clothed. Better than the alternative, at least.

I've never been a morning person, but I don't think it's morning either: no clue where the sun is, and I honestly don't want to look up at to check yet. If my shadow's any indication though, it's definitely the afternoon. My eyes are still messed from sleeping, and I doubt I'll be able to think clearly for another hour.

Slowly I raise myself to my feet, and am quite happy to find that I am wearing shoes. Still, I find myself staring blankly into the distance, as my eyes desperately try to focus themselves. Soon, I can see the beginnings of a town off into the distance, but around me, I can see nothing but trees.

Where the hell am I?

So, either I somehow managed to get myself invited to one of those parties, or something really damn weird has happened.

Probably the second one. If it was the first one, my clothes wouldn't be clean. And I'm pretty sure I'd have a taste in my mouth other than grass.

So, I'm in a forest… I live in Canada, so waking up in a forest near a town isn't really that too unheard of. Assuming I…

Eugh. I can't remember last night… But I can't be longer than two or three hours away from home.

Actually…

Yeah, I still have both kidneys, and can't feel stitches anywhere on my body. I can't find my phone, but I still have my wallet. Considering how the only thing on my phone is pirated music, though, I don't understand what exactly happened. What kind of person would steal a phone, but leave a wallet?

I suppose I should try and find my way out of the forest.

Step 1. Find a big stick or something, I guess. I'm in the woods, and it'd be nice to have something to carry with me.

Plus, I've always been partial to having a big stick to poke bushes before I step through them. Never know when something's hiding in one. Bears, bees, squirrels. Not like I'd be able to hit any of those, nor would I particularly want to.

A decent, hefty branch is relatively easy to find. Thick as my wrist, long as my leg, relatively little rot and moss. Weighs a decent amount, so it's a two-hander, but it's not like I'm going to need to swing a stick around like a baton.

Not like I'm not going to. I've always loved swords stuff, even though I don't have anything even resembling the build for it. Light, lithe, relatively flexible, but honestly my strength is mostly crap. Don't know how much exactly I can bench, but I doubt it'd be very much.

Still going to swing this stick around like an idiot as I walk, though. If anything, it'd be a good exercise for my shoulders. I can pretend I'm some sort of super samurai or something.

Now, time to skirt these trees and head to the town. Maybe I'll find a map or something, so I can bus home or payphone or beg from someone.

Wait, what?

I find myself stopping in front of a rustling bush. Something is poking out of the side of it.

It's cyan.

Now, I'm pretty sure that cyan is not naturally found in a forest. It might be trash or something, but I don't think trash moves like this. It's shaking back and forth.

I probably shouldn't poke it. It could be dangerous or something.

I'm definitely going to poke it. At least I have a stick.

Poke.

"Dogoo!"

Now, here's a funny thing about me. When something surprises me, I either tend to run away in terror, or swing whatever's in my hands at it, depending on what exactly I'm holding at the specific moment.

Having an unusually colored, chicken-sized THING jump out of a bush at me, is enough to trigger the second scenario. I step into a heavy thrust, and lance the critter with the pointy end of the stick.

Only to have the branch sink a third of the way into the creature, before stopping.

"Doogggggoooo!" emits the thing, although it sounds… surprised, rather than angry or injured.

Again, I've got a stick with a creature on the end. Nothing's making sense, and it's not dead. I could either step back and figure out what the hell is going on, or I can keep bludgeoning it.

Again, let's go with the second option.

Stick plus critter is heavy, but not unmanageable. Swinging the stick at the nearest tree isn't too hard, and makes a nice, satisfying, splat noise.

"Gooo!"

Swing, splat. Swing, splat. Swing, splat.

Did I hit a toy or something? This thing, whatever it is, isn't doing much. Still, it makes noises when I hit it, and no one else is around. I don't have anything else better to do, and hitting it into trees hasn't hurt me yet.

All it does is make noises and splat.

I think after the eighth hit, I'm bored. Whatever I was hitting is still making the occasional noise, but I've essentially marinated the end of my stick in its juice. The thing isn't reacting as often anymore either, so it's probably safe to stop whacking it.

I guess it's time to check out what exactly I hit.

Well, it's definitely not a creature. Not a creature I'd recognise, anyway. It's about double the width of my head, seems to be made of some gelatinous substance, and from the way I've impaled it, it looks like it isn't going anywhere any time soon. The more I look at it, the more the critter looks like something out of a video game, honestly.

Video… Wait a sec...

Crap.

I swing the stick once more into another tree.

"Dogoooo!" the thing weakly replies.

Double crap.

It's hard to tell, what with the state the creature's in, but I can see the remains of the dog-like tail, snout, and ears on this creature. It's a Dogoo. A Dogoo, the mascot of Neptunia.

I have a Dogoo, on a stick.

My mind surges to action as ideas come spewing forth like a fountain.

I wonder what sort of stats a Dogoo-on-a-stick has? Better question, what sort of weapon is it classified as?

Oooh, since I'm in Neptunia, maybe I can get an exe drive, or something.

Swing. Splat.

I run the scenarios through my mind. Okay, I'm probably in Gamindustri. I'm in my own body, which is a definite negative. It'd be nice to be someone else, if only for a short while. I have no idea when, or where I am, but since the forest is not cold as hell, it's definitely not Lowee.

So I'm either in Planeptune, or Leanbox. I'm not sure if it's canon or not, but I'm pretty sure that Lastation is entirely without trees.

Can I use magic?

"INFERNO BREAK!"

Nothing.

"A'REARCH, TZIIR AVARIS!"

Nada.

"ETERNALIS VACCUS NEX!"

Nope.

"SHAZAM!"

Negative.

"AVADA KADAVERA!"

Still nothing.

"RAGNAROK PROTOCOL! ENGAGE OVERCLOCK!"

Yeah, I didn't think that one had even a snowball's chance at succeeding.

Even waggling the Dogoo-stick as I shout random words doesn't do anything. Dammit. I'm still less magical than a stale Christmas fruitcake.

Magic would have been really, really cool.

Oh well.

Right. Back to the present.

Sooo… the question is, which Gamindustri am I in? The one with the floating islands, the one with the big sea, or the one with the sadistic, bipolar goddess instead of Neptune?

I mean, Iris Heart is a decent character, but you can't pay me to deal with her. If I see Plutia, I guess I'll just have to book it. If she doesn't know who I am, she'll have no reason to chase me down.

Better question: is this the remakes? Because I never played the originals.

Okay.

So… How does one get information.

I'm wearing dark clothes, and I'm pretty sure this isn't Lastation.

Fuck it, that's my cover story. I'm… uhh…

Derek ummm...

Derek.

Y'know, I don't think anyone (besides the Oracles) has a last name here. First-name basis is sort of the whole thing for all of the makers. I mean, I could go with "Esscai" or "Modd", but I don't think I'd be able to say either of those with a straight face.

Yeah, I'm 'Derek' from Lastation. It's not my real name, but again, it'd be nice to be someone different for once. The fact that I don't actually know what's happening in Lastation is due to amnesia. I could definitely fake devotion to...

Umm… Actually, is it sacrilege to pledge allegiance to Black Sister, rather than Black Heart? I mean, if this is Iris's dimension, then it's sort of moot, but I've always found Uni more approachable than Noire.

I could probably blame amnesia. I could fake it too, since I am, in fact, a slight amnesiac. Short term, at least.

So uhh…

I guess the plan is to figure out where in the plot I am, and uhhh

So, what exactly am I doing? I mean, truth be told, I'd rather stay in this weird, parodic world, rather than go back home. Heaven knows I've dreamed about that enough. Even if I was some run-of-the-mill NPC monster hunter, it'd still be a step up from monotony. It lets me work with my hands, and I get to be me.

I guess step one is really to sign up for the Guild, then. At least then I'll have some sort of direction.

Maybe I can pick up a real weapon, while I'm there.

Either that, or I can find a sword in a trash can, or something.

What a magnificent start to an adventure.

I'm probably going to die in a cave somewhere, aren't I?

I can't wait.