The smart thing to do when faced with a box of unopened letters written by your high school ex-girlfriend would be to throw them out. Burn them like all the other memories, if perhaps a few years late.

But Natsu had never exactly been the smartest when it came to Lucy Heartfilia.

He used that closet just about every day and had never noticed the shoebox sitting on the top shelf until it fell on his head one evening. When he saw it, Natsu had been fairly hopeful it was the old box of Pokémon cards his brother continued to deny selling, but when the lid was tossed away, he was met with something much more precious. A slightly disheveled stack of envelopes, all with his name neatly drawn across the front in a handwriting that always looked entirely too neat to be true. For a second, he almost didn't recognize the handwriting – it had been four years since he'd seen it – but then it struck him.

Really, he couldn't stop himself from tearing open the first one. In the top right hand corner of the page was a date, 2 July X784. Natsu stared down at the date for a few seconds, trying to remember if anything special had happened that day. The page itself appeared to be torn from a diary of some sort, the handwriting a bit less graceful than the one on the outside but still distinctly Lucy.

The strangest thing happened today! I was walking home from Levy's house when this guy – this CREEP! – came up to me and started talking. Which, whatever, it happens every so often, but the guy was obviously like three years older than me. Seriously, why are seniors so creepy like that, ugh. Anyways, so he keeps walking with me and talking and complimenting me ('You're much too pretty to be only a freshman!') so I finally get the nerve and tell him that I'm not interested and he should probably find someone his own age to try and get with.

Well that just makes him kinda angry, and he starts huffing and saying that I should consider myself lucky that someone as old as him (how old was he?) is interested in someone like me. And when I tell him AGAIN that I'm not interested, he grabs my arm! And now I'm panicking because this guy is like a foot taller than me and waaaay bigger, but before he can do anything at all, this other guy just comes flying out of nowhere and tackles him to the ground! I mean, this guy's gotta be a little shorter than me, maybe even a whole year younger, and his hair is pink (which, alright fine, didn't look bad, but what eighth grader dyes his hair pink?) but he had no issues at all, and then he starts yelling something like "why don't you try and pick on someone your own size!"

I didn't really know what to do and I guess I kind of freaked and just said "well thanks for that!" and ran off! It all happened really quickly, and I don't know if the guy even heard me but it was really weird! I kind of hope I see him again, though, just so I can thank him.

Natsu was grinning down at the page when he reached the end, leaning his head back as he remembered. He was new in town, minding his own business. He hadn't thought twice about tackling the creep to the ground. It wasn't until much later that Lucy finally admitted that she had been the one he helped that day. The smile started to fade as he looked back down at the remaining letters; were all of these going to bring up old memories? Natsu had spent a very careful four years attempting to forget about the pretty blonde that so easily captured his heart.

He'd be lying if he said he didn't spend a lot of time missing her, however.

Curious to see what else Lucy had left for him, he tore into the envelopes one at a time. Each of them were dated for a different day, describing a different encounter the two of them had had. Their first proper introduction – that one he did remember, if only because no one had ever made quite an impression the way Lucy Heartfilia did – the first time he plopped himself down next to her during lunch. The summer they had spent every single day together, the first time she realized that she didn't want his hugs to end (he had realized so much sooner, he just never thought to write it down) Small moments of their history together, pieces and stepping stones that slowly led them from friends to something more.

6 July X786

I told father about Natsu. He wasn't very happy with it, but I promised I wouldn't ruin the business deal. He didn't really seem too happy about that either, but he told me that I wouldn't have a choice when the time came and to just keep that in mind. I don't care, though. That's still a long time away, and I don't think I can spend another minute trying to hide how I feel about him. Even if the future is already decided, I don't care! I want to be with Natsu! Even if it's only for a little bit, I just…

I really, really like Natsu.

Tears dotted the corners of his eyes that he quickly wiped away. What the hell did all of that mean, this 'business deal'? Lucy had never said anything about that, he was certain. Natsu reread the letter a few times, trying to piece together the deeper meaning behind the torn out journal entry. There was obviously something she hadn't told him; but then, there was a lot that Lucy never thought to tell him. He thought he had known her so well, better than every one of their friends, and then she left. Disappeared with a lingering goodbye and a watery smile over her shoulder.

The notes after that were a little more detailed, descriptions of their relationship as it started in full. Natsu still remembered the day she confessed, the heat that decorated her cheeks as she forced the words out. I know you said you aren't interested in a relationship right now and I'll understand if you don't feel the same, but I think I've fallen in love with you! He had never known a happiness like that before, had attempted to kiss her right then and there (he had missed, caught the corner of her surprised mouth and clicked their teeth together; Lucy tried not to laugh when he pulled away in shame). Natsu's legs went numb from the way he was sitting, but he didn't dare move, transfixed as he was to see their relationship as it was told through Lucy's eyes.

Some of it confirmed things he'd guessed but had never asked about, (she liked the way he hid behind his scarf when he started blushing; she loved it when he hugged her from behind no matter how much she whined; she hated the smell of coffee but brought him one every day because his brother wouldn't buy a coffee maker; sometimes she'd intentionally not bring a jacket because he'd lend her his so she'd be warm), some of them were things he would have never known, (she wasn't a fan of superhero movies but researched the source material so she'd understand what he was talking about; some of her favorite nights were the ones he sneaked into her bedroom; she convinced Gray to tell her what his favorite bands were so she could seem cooler; all of their friends knew how she felt well before she told him).

When the dates on the letters drew closer to their final semester of high school, Natsu noticed that there seemed to be a slight shift in the tone of the letter. Written underneath each date was a number that decreased with every new entry. The first, from their first day back to class on January 8th, was 149. It took Natsu about six letters before he finally realized what the number meant; a countdown. But for what?

By the time he reached the end of May, Lucy's tone had dramatically changed. Nowhere in the entries could he find the same girl who started this adventure with him. This was not necessarily a surprise; he had noticed the shift in high school, as well. He saw the way her smile faltered when she thought no one was looking, he caught the way her beautiful brown eyes stared off into space with a deadened look. Natsu asked her a few times if she was alright, if something had happened. But Lucy always smiled that perfect smile and insisted she was just stressing about college. Like she had anything to stress about, with her perfect grades and family fortune. So Natsu hadn't pushed. He thought, naively so, that maybe if he just held her a little tighter or kissed her a little longer, he'd be able to keep everything within her from crumbling apart.

Nothing in life was ever that easy.

He lifted up the last letter with shaking hands, uncertain of what he'd find. The one before had been a rather lengthy retelling of their graduation ceremony and the bonfire at the Strauss residence. At the end of the letter, however, was something a bit out of place. A desperate plea for tomorrow not to come. Natsu felt sick to his stomach as he tore into the last letter, heart dropping at the date written in the same spot. This one, however, was no torn out page of a journal, this was a true letter.

07 June, X788

Dear Natsu,

I don't have the words to describe how much these last four years have meant to me. To have you by my side, first as my friend and then as my boyfriend, filled me with a happiness I am certain I will never find again. I don't know when you'll find this, or if you'll even read it when you do, but I hope that this letter finds you happy and healthy and not stuck under Zeref's thumb any longer.

I'm not sure what exactly I'll have said when it ends, but I want you to know that this was never truly my decision to make. Forces in play far beyond my control have loomed over this day for as long as I've known you, and no amount of begging and pleading with my father could change that. And I did, Natsu. I fought so hard to prevent this but I… in the end, there was nothing I could do. The deal has been set, the date has been arranged. And so our relationship must come to an end.

I really do love you, Natsu. More than all the stars in the sky and more than I ever knew someone could love another person. Saying goodbye for the last time will undoubtedly be the single greatest regret I have, and by far the hardest thing I'll ever have to do. And I kept thinking, all this last year, that at least I have my journals. At least I can look back on those and remind myself that what we had, however it ends today, was realer than anything my future holds. But maybe that's not fair. I'm the one who has to go, why should I be the one who keeps all the memories?

So I went through every journal, all the way back from the summer before freshman year. I started at the beginning and tore it all away. Big moments, small moments, moments I had actually kind of forgotten about until rereading them – all of it. And I want you to have them. I never really deserved your love as much as I would have liked, so this all seems rather appropriate.

Please believe that what I'm about to do is something I have been dreading since I was fifteen years old. It hasn't even happened and I miss you so much already…

Alright, but I just heard the front door open and Zeref tell you that I was upstairs, so I have to go.

I love you so much. Please don't forget that.

Lucy Heartfilia

It had been a long time since he cried over Lucy. The thought of her still sent an ache right to his heart, of course, and he certainly didn't want to hear about how she was doing through their very few remaining mutual friends (well he did, but he wasn't a masochist), so it was easy to get by without crying.

Yet here he was, clutching the piece of paper that was already so stained with her tears and staining it with his now. Part of him had been hoping for an answer, an explanation behind why she decided to leave, but this gave him nothing. Nothing but a painful reminder that he had loved a girl with his whole soul and she still had the audacity to walk away without so much of a reason why. Natsu crumpled the letter between his fists slightly, not wanting to look at it any longer and see the love so clearly printed for him.

Why had she left? What was it that had been looming over her all that time? Why hadn't she told him?

Much like the night she walked out of his life forever, Natsu laid on the bedroom floor and let himself sob his loses. How pathetic, he told himself, feeling this heartbroken four years later. He had thought, all these years apart, that maybe if he had just known what exactly went wrong, he'd feel better. If Lucy had just told him that she found him annoying, or that she didn't see a future with him – fine! He could handle that; at least they were concrete reasons. But she hadn't said anything of the sort. She just looked him in the eye and said they couldn't be together any longer, and that she was sorry. Natsu had been so caught off guard, he almost didn't stop her from leaving the first time. When pressed, she just shook her head.

"Just let it go, Natsu. I said we can't be together and that's it!"

The words had stung like nothing else ever had. They still did, like a brand against his heart he wasn't sure would ever recover. So he stood there, dumbstruck and slack jawed as she pulled her arm free and kept walking. He turned just in time to meet her gaze one last time, the goodbye a whisper on her lips and the first tear falling down her cheek. And as she walked, he had fallen apart.

The letters didn't offer much in terms of an explanation, but they did provide him with one thing – it wasn't his fault. Whatever thing had forced her to leave was something much larger than just him, much larger than her even. Natsu clenched his eyes shut, fists pressed against them until he started seeing flashes of white dance across his eyes. If it wasn't him, and it wasn't her decision, then what the hell had happened?

"Damn it!" he yelled suddenly, jumping to his feet. His heart was racing, a fire coursing through his veins. It felt like he wanted to fight, needed to do something about the buildup of energy sparked by Lucy's words. He wanted to talk to her again. Demand that she explain what the hell any of this meant. Natsu felt the fight drain out of him at the thought, and he stared at the wall as if that might answer his questions. Without considering what he was doing, he tore from his bedroom, leaving the mess of envelopes and letters strewn about on the floor just the way it was.

With his brother now out of the house, there was nothing and no one to stop him from doing what he should have done the moment Cana accidentally told him where she was living now. She hadn't meant to, clearly, and spent the rest of the evening begging him not to do anything about it. That was two years ago, and while Natsu had promised to steer clear of the area then, things were different now. Now, he knew that there was some larger contributing factor to their split – and he damn well deserved to know what that was.

It shouldn't have surprised him so much to discover that Lucy lived in one of those old-money sort of parts of Magnolia. She herself was from the wealthiest family in town and had grown up surrounded by these sorts of places. But Lucy always said she hated it, complained with every business dinner her father forced her to attend and every other detail he couldn't remember anymore. Details weren't important to him; it was something she hated so he hated it with her. Tried to make it better when he saw her and offered her support through witty texts and a venting phone call when it was finished. As he maneuvered through the quiet streets (had it really gotten this late while he was reading?), he wondered briefly if she still hated it, or if she had managed to grow into it the way her father always insisted she would.

The thoughts stopped abruptly as he neared the proper address, staring at the mansion with narrowed eyes. If Lucy was anything like the girl he had known in high school, she probably hated this place with all the fire in her heart. If.

She probably wasn't, and if he had any smarts about him, he'd keep that in mind.

Natsu was never one to think things through, however, not like she was. If the roles were reversed, Lucy would be standing out here pacing and mumbling to herself the pros and cons list she constructed a dozen times already. And he'd nudge her forward with a laugh and tell her to just get it over with already.

His fist was heavy against the door, pounding a half dozen times before dropping to his side. Part of him wanted to peek into the expansive windows, to see if it'd be her answering the door or a worker of some sort, but he'd already invaded her privacy quite enough for the evening without snooping in her windows. So he waited, impatiently, with arms crossed now and foot tapping against the ground in irritation. Finally, after what felt like a lifetime, the door cracked open, but the head that poked its way out was not what he would have expected.

"Hello?"

Natsu stared, wide eyed and terrified, at the child in front of him. A little girl with the brown eyes he had so willingly lost himself in stared up at him, head tilted to the side. There was no question about who this child belonged to, and he felt his legs turning to run back down the walkway and as far away from this as he possibly could in response. Lucy had a daughter. Lucy was married.

"Hey, hey! What did I say about answering the door this late at night?" He froze, body half turned to run while the rest of him demanded that he stay right where he is. The door opened a little more, and he could only watch as Lucy Heartfilia herself swooped down to pull the child into her arms, eyes firm but exhausted. She was just as beautiful as he remembered, if a little more tired looking than she deserved. Her daughter squirmed in her arms but otherwise remained quiet, allowing Lucy to look up at their visitor.

Their eyes met and Natsu was pretty sure the entire world stopped turning in that very second.

It seemed to take her no time at all to realize who had come bursting on her door in the middle of the night (or maybe not so late? When did toddlers go to bed usually? Fuck, Natsu had no idea, he hadn't been around a baby since Asuka and she was already in school now). He watched her eyes widen a little in surprise, lips parting as if she might say something but nothing came out. He felt like he was in high school again, mesmerized by the girl in front of him like she was the only woman he'd ever seen before. "Natsu." Lucy recovered first, always the more controlled of the pair, taking in a deep breath. "Hey, why don't you head to your room and wait for me?" she suddenly asked the child, forcing a smile on her face. Her daughter looked back up at her with matching eyes, a thumb now latched firmly between her lips. "I'll read you your favorite story."

"Story!"

Natsu felt his heart thump a little unevenly at the look Lucy gave her daughter as she put her back down, watching her inside the house for a second before stepping out into the cold and closing the door behind her. "What are you…doing here?" There was no more hint of the same adoration she held for her daughter, just a sort of careful evenness that he recognized. This was the tone she used when talking to her father, the one she hid behind when she was worried her mask might break.

"I want to understand," he told her. His voice was raw in comparison, laced with the tears from earlier and the breathless run to her house and every other feeling he didn't know how to name. Lucy tensed like she knew what was coming, but he didn't give her the chance to run. "I want to understand why you left. How – how you sat there minutes before walking away and wrote about how much you loved me and how happy I made you." His voice picked up a little in volume, anger joining in the feelings he could pick out. "If you knew we didn't have a future, why did you make me think we did?"

Lucy flinched, eyes cast downward as she adamantly refused to meet his gaze. Natsu could feel tears pricking at the corners of his eyes, but that hardly mattered right now. "I was wondering if you had found them," she said after his breathing had returned to normal. Lucy always knew how to wait for him to calm back down, how to avoid making things worse before he had the chance to realize it himself. "Natsu it was…we were different people back then, it was –"

"Don't you fucking dare."

She finally looked back up, eyes wide at the growl that left his throat. Four years he had been wondering where he went wrong with her, and if she thought for one second he'd take some bullshit excuse like 'it was high school' he didn't know what he'd do. "What was the real reason you left?" he asked, taking a step forward. Lucy didn't move, just kept watching him with the same careful expression he had always hated on her. "You owe me this."

He saw it, just the slightest quiver of her lip. The tiniest of cracks in her marble façade. "When I was ten years old, my father arranged for me to be married to someone," she whispered. "The wedding happened the month after we graduated."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

Somehow, this was so much worse than feeling like he was just annoying or she thought he was too immature. He had never stood a chance to be with her. Her future had been planned out long before he had tackled that creep to the ground. And Lucy knew. She knew, the entire time they'd known each other. Every time Natsu had told her that he loved her, she knew that she would have to break his heart.

It hurt so much more than he expected.

"I was selfish. I didn't think it would – would last, I thought it was just going to be another high school crush, and then we'd break up because that's what high schoolers do. But it wasn't. It…" he watched as the tears finally came loose, falling desperately just the way he never wanted to see again. Lucy shouldn't be crying, he wanted to say. But he couldn't move, his body felt like it had gone entirely numb.

He took a deep breath. "It was real," he finished for her, closing his own eyes. Hot tears trailed down his cheek, but he didn't care enough to wipe them away. The two of them remained just like that for another minute, each of them struggling not to break apart entirely. This time, it was Natsu who recovered first. "I kept thinking that if I could just know what exactly made you leave, I'd feel better. You know? Like I could move on, like maybe I could tell the next girl about my high school romance and how it all blew up in my face like every other high school relationship," he said, finally looking back up at her. She was looking right on back, lips trembling and tears still freefalling across her face. "This is so much harder."

"I know it is," Lucy agreed, and he could see the physical effort it took her to maintain the steadiness in her voice. "I never wanted to hurt you, Natsu. I just thought… maybe I could convince my father to call it off. Maybe if he saw how happy I was with you, he'd realize that was more important."

She didn't need to finish it, he knew what happened next. She hadn't convinced her father of anything. "And so you got married," he said instead. "You got married and had a little girl." She nodded, slowly, and Natsu had to look away. "She's cute. Looks like those Heartfilia genes really don't let up, huh?" He heard her laugh a little and had to close his eyes in response. The sound was beautiful, even laced with tears and emotion. Finally, he looked back to her, jaw clenching tightly. "You're married and you have a cute little kid and all I can think about right now is that maybe if I kiss you hard enough, I can change everything anyways."

He moved closer, testing the waters. Lucy didn't move back, but she didn't move forward either. There was something in her eyes, something she didn't want to say and Natsu knew that if he asked, she'd never tell him. "I've missed you so much Lucy," he said instead, taking another step. They were close enough to touch now, and he could feel the warmth as it radiated off of her. Long gone were the days of being mistaken for being younger; he stood a good six inches taller than her, staring down at her like she was all he'd ever want. She was. They both knew it. One hand brushed against her arm and Lucy leaned in a little to his touch, eyes fluttering shut. Just like always.

"I've missed you too, Natsu."

That was all the encouragement he needed. His hand darted out, fingers trailing across her jaw and cheek and pulling her closer to him so he could kiss her for the first time in four years. Natsu half expected her to fight him, to shove him away and storm back inside where her family was waiting for her, but instead, Lucy melted against his arms. Her hand was on his chest and the one that hadn't made a home in her hair clutched it desperately, needing her to feel how desperate his heart was for her even all these years later. He didn't care if her husband walked out and saw them like this, tangled in each other's embrace and kissing with more passion than a married woman had any right to feel for someone else. He didn't care because it was Lucy, and he had spent four years missing her and trying to convince himself that it was just high school and that he was long since moved on.

It was Lucy that eventually pushed herself away, red faced and breathless, brown eyes dancing with a fire that he could spend forever chasing. "Natsu," she said, shaking her head when he tried to lean back in. "Natsu, we can't."

"We just did."

He smirked and she rolled her eyes and there was no damned excuse for how perfect the moment was despite everything.

"You know what I meant." Of course he did, but he wasn't wrong either.

Natsu didn't let her go too far, however, wrapping an arm around her waist and pulling her back a little closer to him. "Is that what you want?" he asked her softly. "To go back in there and keep playing house with the man your father chose for you?" He knew he crossed a line, but he shook his head. "Don't give me that look, that's exactly what that is!"

She huffed, glancing back towards the house a little. Her daughter was still waiting for her inside. "It's not about want, Natsu, it never has been. I have more to think about than just myself," Lucy said, pulling herself free. "Whether this is the life I wanted or not is irrelevant – it's the life I have. I've made my peace with that." He shook his head, reached for her hand. She didn't fight him as he grabbed it, didn't resist when he pulled her back against him, a hug this time. This was Lucy. Always fighting, even when it looked like the battle had long since ended. Her life was ruled by her fathers' wishes, controlled now by her love for her daughter. How could he fault her for that?

"You deserve to be happy, Lucy. Not just pretending to be content because that's what your father wants you to do," he whispered, tightening his hold against her. "Don't do this to yourself."

For a few seconds, Natsu thought she might listen. Might tell him to wait one second while she packed a bag and rushed her and her daughter away from the house she never wanted. They could have the future they both so clearly wanted – he didn't care if the kid was half someone else. She was part Lucy, and that was all that mattered.

"I have to."

And just like that, she was gone from his arms again. Tears still staining that beautiful face even when she attempted to force a smile to her face. Natsu felt his legs trembling, head shaking as she reached for the door. "Don't," he begged, rooted in place. "Lucy, please." His voice was weak, shaking like all that was holding him together was her. He watched her pause, saw her shoulders rise and fall with a single deep breath, and then she turned, just slightly. Just enough that he caught the painted smile, lips forming the words he'd rather die than hear from her again.

"Goodbye, Natsu."

Words: 5192

Time: 3 hours