A/N: This is a spoof/crack fic. You will need to suspend all belief for this. It's just a bit of silliness really.

A huge thank you Mucwriter, for organising the Pro-boards Holiday Calendar.

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Chapter 1: "Make my happiness and I will make yours"*

"Darling?" Maria nestled against Georg's chest. They lay stretched out on the sofa together in his study watching the amber flames flickering in the fireplace. Shadows danced around the walls in the soft glow.

"Mmmm?"

"Since it is nearly Christmas I thought perhaps you could grant me a special wish."

"Anything in my power, my love. You know I would give you a sky full of stars or capture a moonbeam in my hand for you if I could."

"Well it's nothing as difficult as that. I just want you to tell me about the previous governesses."

Her request was met with stony silence. Only the crackling of the fire could be heard, hissing and popping in the grate.

Maria coaxed him gently. "I don't know why you won't tell me. Why do you become all buttoned up and brusque and terse? You start bristling and get that annoyed scowl on your face whenever I ask." She lifted her head to look at him. "Yes, just like that." She lovingly stroked his furrowed brow, smiling teasingly.

After a moment Georg spoke, using his adamant not-to-be-disobeyed tone. "No Maria. I've told you before. Absolutely out of the question. I don't want to talk about them and I am not going to. It is all best forgotten."

"Oh but-"

"That is my final word on the matter," he said firmly, cutting off Maria's protest.

She lay back down on his chest, feeling cross at his intransigence. She contemplated what to do, her natural inquisitiveness was tormenting her. The more he resisted, the more desperately she wanted to know. She chewed on her lip thoughtfully for a while until a simple strategy came into her head. An impish smile formed on her mouth.

Perhaps if Georg had been able to see the spark of delighted challenge in his wife's eyes it may have given him pause. It would have at least been a warning that he probably wouldn't stand a chance against Maria's determination in this instance. She had defeated his resolve on more than one occasion.

"Oh but darling please, don't you think just this once? I simply don't understand why you won't talk about them. Why is it such a secret?"

"Some things are best kept in the past and not dwelled upon, especially unpleasant memories. So don't try to wheedle it out of me. It's not going to work."

With her cheek resting on his crisp white shirt, Maria could hear the deep velvety rumble of his voice through his chest as he spoke.

She sighed. "The curiosity is torturing me. Just one little story, that's all I ask. The children have dropped so many hints about their governesses but I only really know about Fraulein Josephine who told Friedrich he was impossible, and Fraulein Helga who had a dress uglier than mine."

"No, Maria, that's final. I am not going to discuss them."

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3 days later

Georg woke up blearily from a nap. His sleep had been refreshingly deep after he and Maria had spent a rapturous afternoon together, taking advantage of the fact that Max had agreed to take the children to the Advents Market for some Christmas shopping.

After some crude negotiations involving a couple of bottles of outrageously expensive Chateau Lafite from Georg's Bordeaux wine collection, Max had agreed to keep the children occupied until dinnertime. Georg and Maria had enjoyed every moment of their time alone, lost in the bliss and wonder of married life.

Georg smiled to himself remembering what had happened before the nap.

He made a movement to rub his eyes and then froze in shock.

He was astounded to realize he couldn't move his arm. It seemed to be restricted. He tried to move his other arm, but that too seemed to be caught.

For an uncomprehending moment he just lay there in stupefied amazement. He stared at his arms as if he couldn't believe his eyes: each was tied at the wrist to either side of the bed.

What the hell?

His mind seemed to have gone blank. He felt stunned and incredulous. His legs, he noticed, were unrestricted. He flexed his arms, the ribbons around his wrists did allow limited movement as he moved them, but he simply couldn't understand what had happened. For a moment he wondered if he was still dreaming.

"Erh hrm."

He craned his neck behind him as Maria gave a small cough to get his attention. She was sitting perched on a chair, wearing an expression of cautious triumph. There was glee, playfulness and excitement in her eyes but also a definite hint of anxiety as she bit her lip.

He was speechless. Had she really done this? Tied him up? His lovely, alluring, guileless wife? How on earth did she even know about such things? Although she had been an eager and enchantingly passionate partner in their bedroom she still had an endearing innocence and naivity about her. Surely she did not know about such risqué activities?

But perhaps he was wrong about that, he thought with the mix of awe and delight as he stared at her. She had certainly been thrilled at her feminine power to render him helpless with need, but this was something else altogether.

"Maria, what are you doing?" he asked carefully.

"Intelligence gathering."

"What?" He looked at her blankly.

"Well, you've been so stubborn about not telling me about the other governesses, I've had to resort to drastic measures."

He stared at her, nonplussed, for a moment. He was not entirely sure she understood the more sensuous implications of what she had done. But, dear God, she was adorable. "Ah, I see. And what exactly do you intend to do?"

"I found this book in the military section of the bookshelf in your study. You thought I would never look at those books, didn't you? But you were wrong." She smiled triumphantly as she held up a book on interrogation techniques. "I know all about getting information, through er… unsavoury means."

"I see." Unsavoury? It was becoming clearer that she really did not understand the implications of tying him up, at least not in the sense he was hoping.

He was curious and amused, his mind still full of enticing possibilities. She always managed to surprise him. "And now that you have me where you want me, what are you going to do?"

"I am going to tickle you until you tell me more about the governesses." She held up a long feather that had come from a boa that Brigitte loved to prance around in.

"Tickle me?" he said distastefully. "Maria, I despise being tickled, you know that."

"But that's the whole point isn't it?" she asked, confused. "After all, I could hardly do something that you would enjoy." She looked at him, perplexed.

He looked up at the ceiling, amusement warring with disappointment. Just as he suspected, she had no clue about what this might mean for an adventurous amorous couple. Although he felt a small twist of disappointment, there was still delight and anticipation, mixed with an adoring surge of love for his wife. She made his heart ache with her beguiling innocence and bold impulsiveness.

He chuckled. "You may find my darling, that pleasurable torture can also achieve laudable results."

She looked at him, puzzled. "What do you mean? And why are you laughing?" she asked crossly.

He smirked. She always got annoyed when he acted mysterious and enigmatic as a result of his considerably greater experience in life and love. He could tell she was suspicious that he knew things about the situation that he was not disclosing, but she had no idea what they were.

"Never mind, I'll explain a little later. So, this is why you suddenly wanted me to teach you how to tie reef knots, hmm? I did wonder about your peculiar interest in nautical skills."

She smiled smugly, pleased w outwitting him. "I could tell you had no idea what I was planning."

He looked amused at her pride. "So, you are going to tickle me? That's the plan?"

"Well you're lucky that I am not going to do anything that they said in this book. Some of the ideas were quite mean, and frankly horrible."

He laughed outright. "I don't think we will ever need your services in military affairs, my sweet. You are far too soft hearted to be an intelligence operative."

"Humpf, I assure you, you will find this very unpleasant. Unless you talk." She wielded the feather dramatically. She went over and sat on the bed, drawing the feather delicately across his stomach and making the muscles clench and his skin quiver. He gritted his teeth in reaction.

She was doing her best to sound authoritative. "Alright let's start near the beginning. Why don't you tell me about governess number four?"

"I'm not talking." Georg smirked again, flexing against the bonds. He was impressed that she had tied them so well while he was asleep. He was usually more alert. He must be slipping.

"Darling, I have a feather and I am not afraid to use it," she threatened again, theatrically.

But he just shook his head, his mouth sealed tightly, though it was slanted with amusement.

"Alright, you force me to do something that you will regret."

She had probably been practicing her sinister tone from that toad Zeller, Georg realized, trying not to laugh again.

He braced himself. He really did hate to be tickled. Such an awful, hideous feeling. He wondered if he could persuade her to do something else. But it was too late.

He let out a string of profanities as Maria was merciless, using fingers and feathers ruthlessly, finding all the sensitive ticklish spots she had discovered long ago. He squirmed in horror and discomfort even as he laughed in spite of the vile sensation. She was laughing in delight as he struggled against his bonds and swore and cursed furiously.

She paused for a moment, laughing helplessly. "Hah! So, it's true what they say about sailors!"

Georg gasped with relief as she stopped, his chest heaving. "What? That we are brave and virile?" he panted.

"No, that you know the worst swear words. Shall we begin once more?" she asked with delectable menace.

"Urgh," he shuddered as if he had just been offered pink lemonade, laced with….lemonade. The thought of another round was unbearable.

"Alright, alright, I'll talk." Damn, how he loved her, he thought with tender amusement. Every day of their married life so far, she had amused him, enthralled him and surprised him. She could still be unpredictable, but he wouldn't change anything about her. She made him laugh often, and filled his heart with joy.

"What was her name?"

"Governess number four was called Fraulein Jane."

Maria raised interrogative eyebrows, the laughter dancing in her eyes despite her solemn expression.

"Fraulein Jane Eyre."

"Go on."

"She was English. I wanted the children to be able to keep up their mother-tongue. But even I found it damnably difficult to understand her English. It seemed very old fashioned – lots of 'thereofs', 'whereofs', 'hithertos'. It was all very flowery and eloquent of course, but quite often when she said something she would render me speechless. I could only stare at her blankly, wondering what the devil she meant."

Maria smiled, trying to imagine the governess.

"She was quite a severe young lady, very solemn, almost morose. At least she dressed that way. She always wore a bonnet, and had terribly old fashioned, dark clothes. When I told her she should put on something else before she met the children she spoke in such a peculiar manner that I could only gape at her like an imbecile and let it go."

"Oh, what did she say?" Maria asked, delighted.

"Something like 'My attire, good sir, is entirely befitting of a person of my station. Your request confounds me and my self-esteem is wounded by such a discourse. It is indeed dreadful to me, to countenance such views.'"

Maria laughed, remembering her own initial confrontation with her beloved Captain over her attire. "She sounds perfectly wonderful."

"Hmmm. Well you would say that, wouldn't you? Now that I think about it there were quite a few similarities with you."

"Oh really? You didn't fall in love with her too did you?"

"Of course not, I don't engage in dalliances with my staff," he objected haughtily.

Maria raised ironic eyebrows.

"I may have fallen in love with you when you were in my employ but I did not act upon it," he stated loftily.

Maria kissed his indignation away. "Tell me how she was like me."

"She was similar to you in that she also did not have family and she was quite independent and feisty. And she was nosey like you too."

"I prefer curious," Maria asserted with dignity.

"No, nosey," he contradicted dryly. "Prying into rooms that should not be disturbed. It got on my nerves. Several times I found her prowling around the attic rooms, rattling door handles and listening at the door. It was very odd. When I told her to desist, she looked at me with such suspicion. It was almost as if she thought I might have someone locked in the attic. Can you imagine? The audacity of the woman! She also had the unmitigated gall to question me closely about Agathe."

By his tone, the outrage was as fresh as if it had happened the day before.

Maria hid her smile. Her husband really had had a great deal of trouble with his governesses, she realized, even before she - Maria - arrived and turned his world upside down.

"The children didn't really know what to make of her. She seemed competent enough I suppose, but a little bit 'other-worldy' as if she didn't really belong. There were some odd things too. She barely knew what a car was. She always wanted to travel in a horse and carriage of all things, which as you know is hard to find these days."

"What was she doing before she came to you?" Maria was intrigued by the mysterious Fraulein Jane Eyre, and rather thought she might have liked her a lot.

"She worked previously for an Englishman called Mr Rochester and looked after his ward Adele. She didn't say much about him but he seemed a bit mysterious and brooding from the few cryptic things she mentioned about him. I rather suspected she may have fallen in love with him because her eyes would light up when she said his name. But she spoke of him with such an air tragedy and her eyes seemed haunted. Of course I did not pry. I have no interest in the private lives of my staff. I just want them to do their job competently. But nevertheless, she did seem heartbroken."

"How sad," Maria murmured in sympathy. "It seems I wasn't the first governess to fall in love with her employer. Perhaps this Mr Rochester was courting someone else, or engaged, or even married."

Georg snorted and shrugged indifferently. "I don't know. I really don't see what women see in such complicated, brooding, intense men."

"Yes, they can be so very difficult," Maria agreed sagely, then looked back at him with faux innocence as Georg regarded her with narrow-eyed suspicion.

"What happened to her?" she asked, fascinated, trying to distract him.

"She just ran off one night! I couldn't believe it. We were talking about the children's lessons one evening and she seemed to have some sort of turn. She got this strange look in her eyes and just murmured "Edward, I'm coming my love, wait for me. I'm coming." And then she dropped everything and fled out the door." His tone was incredulous.

Maria gasped, her hand at her mouth.

Georg's eyebrows were furrowed with remembered disbelief. "Just like that - she ran off into the night!"

"Oh, how dramatic and romantic and tragic. Isn't it a coincidence? So, I wasn't the only governess to leave in the night." Maria sighed wistfully, remembering her own heartbreak and confusion so well. This young lady seemed like a kindred spirit.

"Hrm, mmm." Georg muttered uncomfortably, remembering his own role in causing his beloved to flee in distress. If he hadn't been tied up he would have scratched his neck awkwardly, but instead he had to be content with only flexing and twitching his fingers.

"So what happened then?" Maria asked, enthralled by the story.

"I had to run after her. It was cold and foggy and God knows what could have happened to her. And of course she didn't go on the road like a sensible person, but cut through the fields. I hurriedly changed into my riding clothes, saddled up one of the horses and raced after her." He shook his head, dumbfounded.

"When I found her, I berated for leaving like that and said if she really wanted to leave I would give her the train fare to go where-ever she wanted to go. Then I put her on a train to Calais, and gave her the fare for the boat trip to England."

He snorted, irritably. "Governesses! They have given me nothing but trouble. You can see why I don't want to talk about them," he griped.

Maria smoothed his brow tenderly. "Yes, you do seem to have had an awful lot of trouble with them. It's lucky I came along to save you from all this drama. But did you ever hear what happened to her? I hope her love story had a happy ending, like ours."

Georg was mollified as Maria kissed him lovingly. "She sent a letter a few months later. You'll find it in the drawer over there."

Maria got off the bed and after rummaging around found an envelope addressed to Mr von Trapp. She giggled. "People do seem to have trouble calling you Captain," she said with amusement, as her husband grunted his annoyance.

She opened the letter and read aloud:

Ferndean House

England

Dear Captain von Trapp

It pains me to remember the precipitous way I left your employ and caused you grievous disadvantage. May I beg forgiveness good sir. I can only explain that my soul was suffocated with longing and my oppressed heart was filled with yearning to return to my homeland and my beloved. The pain of exile was sharp and wicked and rendered me incapable of sensible thought. I had but one thought and it was of return.

You may recall my previous employer was a Mr Rochester. Captain, I married him, and I can only hope that you too, may one day experience the divine tranquility of love, as I have done.

I know what it is to live entirely for and with what I love best on earth. I hold myself supremely blest - blest beyond what language can express; because I am my husband's life as fully as he is mine.*

Your faithful servant

Jane Rochester.

Maria finished reading with tears in her eyes. "She married him," she said joyfully. "How wonderful to hear of another love story, so like our very own." She put the letter down and wrapped her arms around Georg as he lay prone, still bound up on the bed, unable to wrap his arms around her too.

Maria sighed, overcome with emotion. "What beautiful words: 'I am my husband's life as fully as he is mine.' That's exactly the way I feel about you."

"I suppose it is a rather nice love story," Georg admitted reluctantly as Maria kissed him at length.

"It's almost as beautiful as ours." Maria sniffed, still moved by the story of the fourth governess.

She leaned over and softly kissed one of his wrists, bound by the ribbons. "Let me untie you now."

"No, darling, I think not. At least not yet. There are some things I want to explain to you." Georg's eyes were gleaming with anticipation, and brimming with love and need.

Tenderly, patiently he explained the potentials of his current predicament, amused at her shock and her deep blushes. But even more, he was enthralled at his wife's delight in the possibilities it presented for the rest of the afternoon. There were still a few hours before Max and the children would return from their Christmas shopping trip.

He did indeed feel supremely blessed as he too experienced the divine tranquility of love.

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A/N

I did warn you it was goofball and unbelievable…

I hope no Jane Eyre fans were offended by this spoof, it was written with great affection for my favourite love story (equal to TSOM).

I was inspired by two beautiful Jane Eyre linked stories: 'The fortune teller' by Augiesannie and 'Romance comes full circle' by indigobluefwriter.

*The chapter title and the words in italics in the letter are a direct quote from Charlotte Bronte's 'Jane Eyre.'

I do not own TSOM or Jane Eyre.