A/n: I have no idea what came over me this morning. but I ran with it. This will be a stand alone series of one shot chapters with absolutely zero rhyme or reason or schedule of updates. so you will need to favorite either me or it if you want to keep up. but for now, consider this to by the Hardy Boy version of Baby Halley on Big Bang Theory.

Birth to 6 months

Determine whether the parents are anxious and over protective, or desperate to get out of the house at any cost. Adjust behavior and promises accordingly.

Show extensive documentation illustrating your most recent certification in infant first aid, to include CPR and the proper use of infant sized medicine droppers. Have copies of your spouse's as well, for tag team babysitting.

Ensure the safe family vehicle( the wife's sturdy and boring SUV, not the Impala or the Work SUV) has been properly inspected and the extra rear facing child car seat is correctly installed. Provide sun shade or additional blankets as necessary.

Bring spare batteries for the baby monitor. Demonstrate proficiency in changing batteries in front of at least one parent.

Demonstrate proficiency in one handed diaper changing in front of at least one parent. Learn how to avoid projectile pooping, peeing and farting while keeping the changing table and walls untouched as well.

Bring at least three extra tee shirts to change into after being spit up on. Alternatively, one very old ratty shirt that your wife wishes you'd just throw out already. A spare pair of cotton drawstring shorts are also a good idea. NEVER touch the overly expensive specially made washing machine liquid designed for a baby's tender skin, no matter how nice it makes your clothes smell after being doused in rancid formula. Limit yourself to the pretentious Trader Joe's stuff your vegetarian SiL uses or better yet, throw out that stupid tee shirt from 30 years ago.

Know how to test the temperature of all bottles regardless of how they have been heated. Know the ten approved methods to warm both formula and any expressed breast milk properly. Try not to sigh in exasperation when the list changes based on the latest Baby Blog your brother read. While on his date with his wife.

Remember that only Disney Movies may be watched while babysitting, even if your niece is sound asleep 3 rooms away. Try not to get caught singing all the lyrics to "Let it Go" when the parents return. However, it is perfectly acceptable to quote Dwayne Johnson as Maui.

The crib mobile requires no adjusting as it has been calibrated to precise optimum performance by your overly geeky brother. Simply flip the switch to the ON position. Do not adjust the timer setting and do not set it to loop indefinitely. Batteries ain't cheap and take different ones than the monitor.

Use of the rocking chair is only authorized after feeding to aid in burping and to calm her before bed after you have overstimulated her with making funny faces and weird noises. The ceiling light is operated by the adjustable sliding switch by the door. It should be dimmed to candlelight brightness to save your toes from being stubbed on the crib legs as you sneak out hoping she really is asleep.

Refer to the chart on the back of the door for proper placement of baby, blanket, binky and Buffy Bunny. Place video monitor at such an angle that all objects are in plain view. Tiptoe surreptitiously out of the room, keeping the door open enough to avoid the lower hinge from squeaking since your brother keeps forgetting to oil it.

Any dishes dirtied will be properly washed or placed in the dishwasher. Bonus points are earned for washing other dishes as well, folding baskets of laundry or straightening up. Vacuuming is NOT permitted during nap time or bedtime. Nor is the playing of loud music or Disney Movies.

The dog is not your responsibility but if he should request to use the backyard toilet, please let him do so; alternatively, clean up the mess if he has an oopsie. Treats are permitted in moderation. Do NOT feed the entire box of Milk Bones at once. Those are as expensive as batteries and need to last at least 2 weeks. Plus usually results in a very large pile of puke in the middle of the Master Bed.

Guests are permitted, but only with preapproval. Those persons automatically pre approved include spouses and grandparents. Anyone else seeking an acceptance letter must submit their resume and reason for request in writing. Known trouble makers will also be required to provide at least two letters of recommendation from trusted sources, as well as a solemn promise to never again toss child like a football even if it is only a six inch lateral pass and despite the fact that she loved it. Make that three letters, Biff.

Answer the phone within 2 rings no matter what. Any fever above 99.8 must be reported immediately. Crying for more than 15 minutes is to be reported immediately to receive instruction on how to do the jiggle walk properly, as this changes daily.

A written report on all bodily functions ( of the baby, doofus) is mandatory, to include time and color/consistency. Yes, it is relevant. No, you may not get creative with your descriptions. New parents are very particular.

This Guide shall be updated as necessary.