Summary: Let's be honest. A universe where Team 7 made it to ANBU would be a disaster.

Disclaimer: This story utilises characters, situations and premises that are copyright Masashi Kishimoto, Shueisha, Shonen Jump and Viz media. No infringement on their respective copyrights pertaining to episodes, novelisations, comics or short stories is intended by KuriQuinn in any way, shape or form. This fan-oriented story is written solely for the author's own amusement and the entertainment of the readers. It is not for profit. Any resemblance to real organizations, institutions, products or persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

All plot and Original Characters except for those introduced in the canon books, manga, video games, novelizations and anime, are the sole creation of KuriQuinn. (© KuriQuinn 2016- )

Rating: T

Warning: Mild OOC? They're characters that grew up differently than the canon, so a little bit of change in personality. There is are OCs in this fic (Manako Inuzuka and Kakashi's children). Don't like it, don't read (but I've had pretty positive feedback about them, so your loss).

Canon/Fanon Compliance: AU 'verse. Sasuke left Konoha, but he came back right away or right after training or something. Team 7 went on to become ANBU

AN: This 'verse started out as a one-time prompt on tumblr…and then I sort of kind of started building on to it. Now I add to it whenever the mood strikes me, so it'll probably be unfinished. Also, I don't upload chpaters in sequence, so with each update I'll make a note of what the reading order is.

"Why does your mission report smell like it's been soaked in ramen?"

It's a measure of just how tired Kakashi is that this is the first question out of his mouth. The three masked figures in front of him shift slightly, as if exchanging glances, and the one in the middle—the blond in the fox mask—chuckles, rubbing the back of his head.

"Sorry, Kakashi-sensei—"

"Lord Kakashi," the pink haired woman behind the lioness mask reminds.

"—I mean, Lord Kakashi. I was really hungry after the mission and couldn't wait to eat, so I may have spilled a little broth on it while I was writing up the reports and—"

"I thought we had an agreement that you weren't allowed to write the reports anymore," Kakashi interrupts, pinching the bridge of his nose. "'Hawk'?"

"My fingers were broken at the time," the third member of the squad states unapologetically. Everyone in the room knows he dislikes writing mission reports.

"And 'Lioness'?"

"Was healing him," she answers.

"Yeah, that's not all you were doing…" 'Fox' sniggers.

WHAM!

The blond suddenly finds himself intimately acquainted with the wall opposite Kakashi's desk; there is already a vast pattern of cracks in it from previous encounters. Lioness cracks her knuckles quietly, while Hawk discreetly moves two inches away from her.

"You can't keep doing this," Kakashi groans.

"I fail to see the problem," Hawk comments, crossing his arms. "We completed the mission."

"But not the way it was supposed to be completed! And for the life of me, I can't understand why—it was an easy mission! Escort our daimyo's daughter to Kiri to be married—"

"Well, she did get married," Fox points out as he picks himself up off the ground.

"Not to the Kiri daimyo's son, though, which was what was supposed to happen."

"Ew, he was like twelve," Lioness sniffs. "I would have run away, too."

"Be that as it may, you shouldn't have helped her."

"I did nothing of the sort! If Naru—if Fox wrote that down, he made a mistake. He got hit in the head a lot."

"Yeah, by you…"

Lioness cracks her knuckles threateningly again and the blond young man shrinks.

Kakashi's eye twitches. "If you didn't help, then explain how an entire fleet of ships mysteriously sunk in the harbour at the exact time that she disappeared, thus conveniently providing a distraction to keep her from being followed."

"Coincidence," Hawk says, at the same time Lioness says, "Mice."

Kakashi raises an eyebrow.

"Mice," Hawk corrects, at the same time Lioness suggests, "Coincidence."

"Coincidental mice," Fox concludes, nodding decisively.

Kakashi counts to ten in his head. "And if any of the dockworkers were to be asked if they had seen a few hundred figures in orange running around?"

"Then they were drinking, obviously," Lioness declares.

"And the only bridge from the island crumbling, thus keeping the daimyo's guards from hunting down the mercenary captain that absconded with the prospective bride? What was that?"

"Poor workmanship," Hawk determines.

Kakashi sighs, wishing very desperately for a drink. It's no wonder Tsunade was three sheets to the wind most days. "This diplomatic marriage was meant to strengthen ties between our two countries."

"It's all good, I promised the old guy signed copies of Master Jiraiya's books," Fox says, waving his hand. "Turns out he's a huge fan."

"And his son was more than happy to learn Naru—Fox's Sexy Jutsu," Lioness says, and from the disapproval in her voice he knows she's making a face behind her mask. "They're both going to be way too busy to bother our daimyo for a while."

"Besides," Hawk points out, clearly attempting to return some level of maturity to the discussion. "Once we agreed to investigate the outskirts of town and deal with a problem of his, the daimyo was more than happy to forgive the change in plan."

"You lit an entire forest on fire."

"To be fair, it was an entire forest filled with a bunch of Orochimaru's forgotten experiments."

"People died."

"That's true. But they weren't very nice people."

"No, they weren't," Lioness agrees. "They were eating each other at that point, Lord Kakashi. There was no going back for them, and if they got out they would have hurt anyone in the surrounding area."

"We totally did everyone a favour," Fox declares, flashing a thumbs-up.

Kakashi looks at the three of them in turn, and then lets his head fall into his hands. "None of the other Hokage had to deal with this."

"Well, actually—"

"Don't, Lioness, just don't," Kakashi groans, straightening up. He jabs a finger at his former students. "Until I can figure out what to tell the council, the three of you are off-duty. Suspended. Not taking any missions."

"What?"

"No!"

"But Kakashi-sensei!"

"No buts," he snaps. "Until you can learn to go on a mission without…corrupting minors, or evaporating a lake, or demolishing a monastery into a new crater—"

"That was one time—!"

"You know what? Forget suspended. You are all hereby on indefinite leave. You are not to come back to active duty until you've learned to control yourselves," he decides. "Hand in your masks and go think about your behaviour."

Like guilty children, the three of them silently remove their masks and place them on Kakashi's desk. As they leave, he hears Naruto mutter, "Aw man, that's the third time this month."

"Do you think any other ANBU get demoted as often as we do?" Sakura wonders.

"Tch. Doesn't matter," Sasuke says. "The next time some crazed lunatic is threatening the world or the moon, he'll be begging us to come back."

Kakashi lets his head fall onto his desk with a clunk, because nothing his former students have just said is false.

He wonders if it's too late to quit his job and go raise dogs somewhere.

終わり

Comments and constructive criticism are always welcome! I'm only able to keep writing as I do thanks to the encouragement of readers like you, so every bit of support helps! And be sure to check out my tumblr (Typewriter Ninjutsu) for content you won't necessarily find on this site.

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