If season four wasn't complete torture, I feel like this would've happened by episode six…

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He just… he thought all of these feelings would go away.

He figured that he just needed to give it some time and then, eventually, he'd stop missing her so damn much; he'd stop thinking about her all the time; and he'd stop being so in love with her.

But apparently, that's not happening.

It's been almost a year and all of those feelings are still there, just as strong as ever.

Truthfully, it's gotten even worse since she came back. Seeing her every day, talking to her, working with her… he just can't forget how badly he wants her… no matter how hard he tries.

He's been desperately trying to push her out of his mind by putting all of his energy into Marlo. When he has one of those nights where he misses Andy more than he can possibly put into words, he tells Marlo that he misses her, instead. When he wishes Andy was coming home with him, he invites Marlo to stay over. When he dreams of Andy being wrapped up in his arms, he pulls Marlo closer.

He knows it's wrong. He really does.

And he feels guilty. Really guilty.

He's thought about breaking up with her a lot, especially these last few weeks. He honestly doesn't know why he hasn't.

Maybe he's just being selfish… or maybe he's just trying to protect himself… or maybe both.

The thing is, if he thought there was a chance Andy would take him back, he'd go to her in a heartbeat. But he just fucked everything up so badly that he's pretty sure it's beyond repair.

But if he wasn't with Marlo, he has a feeling he'd go to her anyway. He's fairly certain that he would beg for her forgiveness and tell her all of these things that she doesn't want to hear. And she would tell him that it's really over between them… for good.

And he would be even more heartbroken than the last time he lost her.

So, maybe Marlo is just his way of ensuring that he doesn't go to her and bear it all, only to have her shut him down again. Because at least this way, he still has a speck of hope that they'll work it out someday.

And yeah, he knows how fucked up that is. And no, he doesn't feel great about it.

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He's felt nauseous all day. And his head is pounding.

He just feels like shit. And the cause of all this is not lost on him.

As much as he'd like to pretend otherwise, he knows that it all started this morning with Detective Daniels.

He's been working with them for the past two shifts, hoping to connect a string of recent bodega robberies to crimes that happened last month in 27 division. He's a nice enough guy and he appears to be a good detective, but now he's apparently taken a liking to Andy and that obviously doesn't sit right with Sam.

This morning, when he saw them talking in parade, he instantly felt sick. Andy was laughing at something he said, and he was just beaming at her.

And in an instant, that tiny bit of hope he's been holding onto for the past year, started to slowly disappear.

For the rest of the day, he kept an eye on them. Of course, Daniels requested Andy work with the D's today, so he unfortunately got to see a lot of them both. And it really didn't get much better as the day went on.

It was obvious that Daniels wanted her and Andy wasn't doing much to dissuade him, which only made Sam feel worse and worse. Eventually, it got to the point where he just had to get away, so he volunteered to interview some witnesses and spent as much time as possible out of the barn.

But now, it's after shift and he's at the Penny and he can't help but notice that they're sitting together and talking and obviously enjoying each other's company. So, once again, he's feeling sick.

Yeah, he has to leave.

As he makes his way out of the bar, he tries his best not to attract any attention. And once he gets into his truck, he's not sure what to do.

He's closing his eyes and massaging his temples in hopes of alleviating his pounding headache, but it's seriously not working.

He really does not feel well. He's got this lump in his throat and this blinding headache is making it hard to think straight.

It's like he's having déjà vu. Sitting in his truck, in the parking lot of the Penny, massaging his temples like this. He's felt all of this before… three times before.

The first time was after he watched her leave the Penny with Callahan, the two of them going up to his fishing cabin. After everything that happened during the blackout, he had really been looking forward to Andy's return, so sure that something was brewing between them. But then, finding out that it was all in his head… yeah, that was not a great night.

The second time was the night he made the worst decision of his life. The night he walked away from the best thing that ever happened to him. The night he fucked everything up between them.

The third time was after he told her he loved her. After he confessed his feelings and begged her to give him a second chance or at least let him buy her a drink. That was the night he waited for her until two o'clock in the morning, just sitting at the bar, staring into his drink, and glancing at the door each and every time it opened only to be disappointed that it wasn't her walking through it.

Yeah, this is exactly the way he felt back then.

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It's probably ten minutes later when the sound of his phone ringing shakes him out of his haze. He's disoriented at first, but after some fumbling around, he finds his phone.

It's Marlo.

And the feeling that courses through him when he sees her name on the caller ID… well, he knows exactly what he has to do.

He should have done it so long ago. If he was a better person, he would have.

If he wasn't so self-destructive, he never would've started something with her in the first place.

He's not even sure why he did. Although, if he had to guess, he'd say that it was probably just a lame attempt at trying to feel better and forget about Andy.

Too bad it didn't work.

Although, he's not even sure that he actually expected it to.

For the almost four years he's known Andy, he's spent at least three of them trying not to be in love with her. What would make him think that he'd suddenly be able to do something about that now?

Yeah, he knew this was never going to work.

So, he takes a deep breath, starts his truck and drives over to Marlo's.

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The ironic thing is, she wasn't even surprised. Not in the slightest.

She was completely expecting it. She said that she had been expecting it ever since Andy came back.

Although, if that's true, he wonders why on earth she stayed with him this long.

Maybe she was using him, too.

That thought actually makes him feel a little better… like he doesn't have to carry around as much guilt as he has been.

But now, it's over and he's back in his truck and he doesn't know where to go or what to do.

Except that, he kind of does.

He spends less than a minute trying to talk himself out of it. He would've tried harder, but the truth is, he didn't really want to. In the end, he knows he'd spend much more time talking himself back into it.

He tells himself that maybe the closure will be good for him, maybe it will help him move on… but in reality, it's just his way of making up an excuse to go see her, because it's really all he wants to do. Even if it doesn't end the way he wants.

Ten minutes later, he's knocking on her door. It's around midnight and he's not sure if she's still at the Penny or maybe she's asleep… or maybe she's with Daniels.

That thought makes him gag a little.

Seconds later, when he hears her footsteps inching towards the door, he's not sure if he should be relieved or completely terrified. Maybe a little of both?

"Uhh… Sam, hi…" she greets him, obviously surprised by his appearance at her door, so late at night. "Everything okay?" She asks, when she sees the stress written all over his face.

"You alone?" He inquires, as he tries to sneak a peek over her shoulder.

She furrows her eyebrows and gives him this look that says he's definitely being a little weird. "Yeah, I'm alone… what's up?" She questions.

"Can we talk?" He asks.

"Um… sure," she agrees with a nod, before stepping aside and gesturing for him to come in. "What's going on?" She inquires after she shuts the door behind him.

"I uh… I just… I wanted… I need to talk to you," he responds.

"You're kind of freaking me out. Is everything okay? Did something happen?" She probes.

"I… I broke up with Marlo," he explains, completely unsure where he's supposed to begin. Yeah, he probably should've thought this through a little bit more.

"Oh… um… I'm… sorry?" She says, more than a little confused at the direction this conversation is going.

"I'm not," Sam shrug, locking his eyes on hers. "It was never going to work," he explains.

"Why not?" She wonders, tilting her head and giving him a questioning look.

Sam takes a deep breath and tries to mentally prepare himself for what he's about to say. He knows that this could go really wrong, but he just needs to say it. "Because… because I'm still in love with you," he confesses. And the second the words leave his lips, it's like this huge weight has been lifted off his shoulders. He's been trying so hard to hide his feelings, keep them buried inside so no one can see, and now that it's out there, he feels… free.

"Uh… what?" She says, absolutely stunned.

"I love you," he repeats, as he meets her eyes and tries to convey just how much he means what he's saying. "I never stopped… I can't stop, no matter how hard I try… I… I love you, Andy," he declares. "You're the best thing that ever happened to me and… and I know I screwed everything up between us and I know I don't deserve a second chance… God knows I probably didn't even deserve the first one, but I… I guess I just… I just needed you to know how I feel… how I've been feeling," he adds.

"I… I don't know what to say," she admits, still stunned beyond belief.

He blows out a defeated breath at her words. "You don't have to say anything," he assures her. "I knew full well how this would probably end… I just needed to tell you, you know?" He explains as he briefly glances up at her. "There's just so many things that I didn't say before, that I wish I had and… well, I really didn't want to add one more to the list," he tells her. "But I get it… you don't feel the same way," he assumes.

"Sam…" she says, her voice raw with emotion. "Of course I still love you," she declares.

And yeah, now he's a bit stunned.

"Yeah?" He asks, his eyes wide with residual surprise.

"Yes," She confirms with a nod. "I mean… everything we've been through… the past four years… it's not something I can just forget about," she tells him. "But what you did... you promised to fight for us and then… you just gave up… you refused to talk to me and you completely shut me out… you broke my heart… and… and then you just moved on like I meant nothing to you," she continues as she her eyes begin to well up. "While I was away, I missed you so much… I thought about you all the time and all I wanted to do was go back and meet you at the Penny that night instead of leaving… and when I finally got home, I really thought we'd be able to work things out, but… but, you were with her… all those months I spent away, you were all I could think about and you… you had just moved on so easily… it really hurt," she admits.

"Andy, it wasn't easy and I didn't move on," he exclaims, his voice laced with desperation. "When you left… I've never been so miserable in my entire life… I missed you so much and I hated myself for everything I did… for ruining the absolute best thing in my life," he assures her. "And then… Marlo… I was just trying to get over you… to stop being so unhappy… it had been four months and I… God, if I thought there was even a chance that you'd want to try to work things out when you came back… I would've waited for you… I would've waited as long as it took," he promises as he silently berates himself for being such an idiot.

And yeah, it's definitely not for the first time.

"Sam, I just… I don't know what we're supposed to do now," she says with a sigh.

"Andy, I'll do anything to make this work," he vows. "I'll do whatever it takes."

"Sam… do you even know what that means?" She asks before blowing out a breath in an attempt to calm herself. "Look, I don't want to make it sound like everything that happened between us was your fault, I know that I made mistakes, too… but you were always such a mystery," she remarks. "Sometimes I felt like I barely knew anything about you… I mean, you never talked about your family or your childhood or really anything that happened before you became a cop," she points out. "And I just… I never knew how you were feeling or… or what you were thinking from one minute to the next," she adds. "So… if we are ever going to work… you'd need to let me in… you'd need to talk to me… even when it's difficult," she tells him. "I just… I can't go through life constantly trying to guess what's going on in your head… I just can't," she declares.

"Okay," he says with a nod.

"Okay? Really?" She questions, clearly a bit skeptical.

"Yeah," he agrees with a nod, as he takes a step toward her. "I'm not saying it'll be easy and sometimes, I'll probably need a push, but… losing you… it was the worst thing that ever happened to me and I don't want to go through it again… so if that's what I need to do to be with you, I'll do it," he promises. "I'll tell you everything you need to know… whatever you want to know… all of it," he vows.

"Okay…" she replies, nodding her head and nibbling on her bottom lip.

"So… where does that leave us?" He wonders.

"I… I don't know," she admits.

"Okay," he responds, nodding his head in understanding. The last thing he wants to do is push too hard. "Maybe… maybe we can talk in the morning?" He suggests. "I could pick you up and we could get some breakfast… and… and we'll talk," he proposes.

"Okay," she agrees, still a little shocked by tonight's turn of events. This is everything she's wanted since he left her in that parking lot and well, now that it's happening, it feels so surreal.

"Okay," he responds with a nod. "So… I'll see you in the morning?"

"Sam… you don't have to leave," she offers before she even realizes the words are leaving her mouth. He's obviously surprised and he can see that she is, too, so he just stays silent as he watches her work through whatever's going through her mind. "I uh… I mean… unless you want to," she adds eventually.

"No, I don't want to," he says while slowly inching a bit closer. "I definitely don't want to," he assures her.

"Okay… good," she replies, awkwardly. "I uh… I was just about to go to bed," she says as she gestures down towards the pajamas she's wearing. "Do you… do you want to stay?" She asks. "Just to sleep," she quickly adds.

And honestly, there isn't much he'd like more.

"Yeah," he confirms, nodding his head.

A smile briefly crosses her lips before she reaches for his hand. "Okay, c'mon," she says as she takes it and leads him towards her bedroom.

And feeling her hand in his… well, he just can't help but squeeze it for a moment, as if he's checking to make sure he's actually holding it. And as soon as he does, she glances back at him with a small smile and squeezes right back.

Once they make it to her bedroom, the next few minutes are spent changing and brushing their teeth. And when Andy opens a drawer in the bathroom and pulls out an old toothbrush he left there, he can't help but smile. The fact that she kept it, it makes him happier than a toothbrush should make anyone.

After she gets under the covers, he slides in beside her, careful to give her some space. He just doesn't want to expect too much. He wants to give her whatever time she needs to get comfortable with him again. Truthfully, this night has gone so much better than he ever could've hoped for, he can definitely survive spending the night on his side of the bed.

But then, as if she's reading his thoughts, she slides closer to him until she's right by his side. And then, she lifts his arm and snuggles right up against his chest, just like she used to.

After a year without her, he's finally got her in his arms again and the feeling is indescribable. He pulls her closer and kisses the top of her head before resting against his pillow.

Yeah, for the first time in a year, he's actually happy.

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The next morning, he wakes up to the most beautiful sight imaginable – Andy lying in his arms, smiling up at him. And the moment their eyes meet, he can't help but grin back at her.

It's like he had forced himself to forget how incredible it is to wake up like this… her smile lighting up the room, her bedhead spread across the pillows, her legs tangled with his, her voice softly coaxing him awake.

He's really not sure how he survived so many mornings without her in his bed… or how he ever thought he could make it through the rest of his life, not waking up to this.

Yeah, he was an idiot.

"Hey," she greets him, beaming up at him.

"Hey," he replies, flashing a smile of his own.

"Sleep well?" She wonders.

"Better than I have in a long time," he tells her.

"Me too," she agrees.

"I really missed you," he admits as he pushes some hair behind her ear and allows his fingers to linger.

"I missed you, too," she says.

He smiles in response before a brief silence falls over them as they continue to just look at each other, unsure what to say next.

"So… is it too early to start that talk?" He wonders. "You need some coffee first?" He assumes.

"Mm… kindda," she admits with a sheepish smile. "But I really don't wanna get out of bed yet," she adds as her grip on him tightens and she rests her forehead against his chest.

"You stay here, I'll go make a pot," he offers.

"I don't want you to get out of bed either," she quips, playfully.

Responding with a chuckle, he pulls her closer and kisses the top of her head. "Okay… we can talk later," he suggests. If she wants to stay in bed, he's definitely not gonna argue. He hasn't held her like this in way too long and he's going to enjoy every single second of it.

"No, go ahead," she decides. "Let's talk," she tells him as she lifts her chin to catch his eye.

"You sure?" He asks. "It can wait, if you want," he offers.

"No, I don't want to wait," she assures him. "We have to be at the station by noon and we do have a lot to talk about… should probably get started," she reasons.

"Okay…" he nods his head, trying to organize his thoughts. "Well, I… like I was saying last night… I know what a huge mistake I made walking away from us and… and I just want you to know that I regret every single second of this past year," he tells her. "And I just… I can't not have you in my life… not unless I'm okay with being completely miserable," he adds. "You are the one person I care about most and I know I've made so many mistakes when it comes to us, but I promise you that I'll never make them again," he vows. "All I want is to be with you… to have another chance… I promise you, I won't screw it up this time."

"Sam," she begins, as she sits up and lets out an uneasy breath. "I want that, too, but… but, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't terrified of trying this again," she divulges.

"I know… I'm scared, too," he confesses.

"What are you afraid of?" She asks, curiously.

"So many things," he admits. "I'm afraid that, no matter how hard I try, it won't be enough… I'm afraid that someday you'll wake up and realize you deserve so much better than me… I'm afraid that I'll let you in and I'll tell you everything and then… then you'll realize how truly messed up I am and that maybe… maybe I'm not the man you thought I was," he tells her before sucking in some air. "But none of that is enough to stop me from trying," he promises. "Because what scares me more than all of that other stuff is the idea that I might never get a second chance… that I might lose you for good… that's what I'm really afraid of," he says as his fingers skim down her back.

"Wow… Sam…" she says, more than surprised by his admission. "I… I just… I didn't know you felt like that," she adds.

"I know," he responds, briefly averting his eyes. "I never told you," he reminds her. "But I'm trying to do better," he adds, earning a smile from the woman lying next to him. "So… what are you afraid of?" He asks, moments later.

"I'm afraid… that history will repeat itself… that something bad will happen and you'll shut me out and I'll get hurt again… that we'll get back together and I'll be insanely happy and then you'll suddenly remember all of the reasons you had for breaking up with me before and they'll all make sense again," she explains as she stares down at his chest while drawing patterns on his chest.

"Andy… what happened before… I know it's cliché, but it had nothing to do with you and everything to do with me," he assures her.

"What do you mean?" She questions.

"I didn't break up with you because of something you did or because I didn't want to be with you or because there were things about you I didn't like… I ended things because I was… I was terrified of my feelings for you and I guess I was trying to protect myself from getting hurt… which I know is ridiculous, but I… I wasn't really thinking clearly back then," he admits before he brushes some hair out of her face. "I just want you to know that, even though I'm still scared, I'm done letting that get between us," he promises. "I'm gonna do everything I can to stop being in my head so much… I'm gonna let you in… I'm going to tell you anything you want to know… and if you still want to meet my family, I will make sure that happens," he vows. "You… you are all I want… and I meant it when I said I'd do whatever it takes."

The next few moments are spent in silence, with him holding his breath and her just staring at him, seemingly trying to organize her thoughts.

"Okay," she says, slowly nodding her head.

"Okay?" He asks, not exactly sure what that means.

"Sam… I do want to be with you… I mean, as terrified as I am, I know I would regret it if I didn't give us another shot," she explains. "But I think, we should take it slow," she suggests. "There's still a lot we need to talk about."

"We can take it as slow as you want," he promises. "And whatever you want to talk about, I will talk about… I mean it, anything you want," he assures her.

"Okay, then… can I ask you something?" She questions.

"Of course," he replies.

"Do you… do you still blame me for Jerry's death?" She questions, before she can talk herself out of it.

He immediately tenses at her words, but tries his best to calm himself. "I never blamed you for Jerry's death," he replies.

"It seemed like you did," she responds, trying to keep her voice soft and sympathetic.

"No," he denies. "I blamed myself… and I was just… I was taking it out on you… which I know wasn't fair," he apologizes.

"Why would you blame yourself?" She probes.

"Because I… I let my feelings for you cloud my judgment… because you were always my first concern, my top priority," he explains. "That day… you were my main focus… and, I don't know… I guess at the time, I felt like… if I had just been objective… if I had been focused on the job instead of just worrying about you… Jerry would still be alive," he tells her.

"Sam…" she begins as she frames his jaw with her hand. "I wish you would've told me that," she says. "Jerry's death… it wasn't your fault," she promises.

"I know," he says, nodding his head. "And it wasn't yours, either," he stresses. "I'm sorry that I made it seem like I was blaming you," he apologizes. "I was just angry… at myself… at the situation… not at you," he promises. "Even if it seemed like I was."

"It's okay," she assures him. "I know you were going through a lot."

"Yeah… but I should've just talked to you about it," he muses. "It's just… back then, I didn't know how," he explains.

"I get it," she says. "But… in the future… you can't shut me out, okay?" She asks.

"I won't," he promises.

And he means it – more than anything.

This time, he is truly not letting her go without a fight.

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I hope you enjoyed this semi-angsty chapter. I feel like Sam is someone who is very hard on himself, so I think this is the kind of stuff that was running through his mind during the hell that was season four.