Author's Note/Disclaimer: Don't own Ninjago. Wish I did, but I don't. Oh well.

I dunno how to classify this, really. AU, I guess? Whatever, either way, it was inspired by a conversation had by Acronix and Krux in regards to Commander Machia from the fifth episode of season 7, and Fifty Shades of Grey. Obviously, this is gonna get a little…I guess you could say racy, so yeah… Anyway, here you go. BTW, happy April 1st. :)

"Fifty Shades of Vermillion"
By Skylark Starflower
Started March 23rd
Finished March 30th

The day began like so many others. Acronix followed his twin brother, Krux, down the road as the two headed for the New Ninjago City Museum. Krux took his job as curator very seriously. Acronix, meanwhile, had the day off from his own part time job, and tagged along simply to make use of the free WiFi.

"They're releasing Sweets Smash 2 today!" Acronix could barely contain his excitement. "I've just got to play it!"

Krux rolled his eyes. "Those games will rot your brain, brother."

"Pah," replied Acronix. "You just don't appreciate fun."

Krux shook his head with a long suffering sigh and did his best to ignore Acronix as his twin went into a diatribe about the many game apps he had installed on his BorgPad.

Soon, houses gave way to skyscrapers as the two entered the business section of the city. People in expensive suits made their way in and out of the tall buildings, most ignoring the brothers, though some would shoot them haughty looks, as if silently asking what right they had to be in this area. For their part, the brothers ignored them in return.

It came as a surprise to Krux when his twin suddenly fell silent, going still. Krux turned and glared at him. "What now?"

When Acronix didn't reply, Krux instead turned to see what he was staring at. Coming down the stairs to one of the fancier, newer buildings was a woman, followed by two men, all in suits. What was odd about them was that they seemed to be covered in snakes…no, they were made of snakes.

"Oh, that must be the CEO of the new Vermillion Enterprises," said Krux.

"She's cute…" said Acronix, his face colouring slightly.

Krux fixed him with a sardonic look. "She's snakes."

The two were distracted from their disagreement as one of the two snake men following the woman bumped into her as she stopped to answer her cell phone. She whipped around, hissing, and began to beat him savagely about the head and shoulders with her briefcase. Once she was done, she turned back to her call. "Machia here. Sorry about that, that idiot Blunck bumped me."

Krux had one eyebrow raised, impressed with the snake woman. Meanwhile, Acronix was hiding being his brother's back, horrified. Krux smirked.

"Still think she's cute, brother?" he asked.

Acronix straightened up, stepping out from behind his brother. "S-she's mean… I like mean," he replied, trying to sound tough, but his voice betrayed him, coming out in a squeak.

Krux laughed rather cruelly. "Sure you do. Tell her you think she's cute. Maybe she'll get mean."

"Oh, shut up," muttered Acronix, blushing again, but this time, from embarrassment. He and his brother began to walk again, Krux grumbling about how he was going to be late now, even though, at their current pace, he would still arrive five minutes early.

As they passed by the Vermillion business snakes, Machia struck, grabbing Acronix by the shoulders. He screamed. She laughed.

"You, human. How would you like to be my consort?"

"I would be terrified…?" Acronix failed to keep his voice from breaking.

"Good." With that, Machia began to drag him off to the vehicle Blunck and his partner, Raggmunk, drove around the side of the building.

Acronix struggled to get away, but she held him fast, still dragging him along with her. "Agh! Brother! Help me!"

Krux watched, debating whether or not to help. Ultimately, he raised a hand and waved goodbye. "Have fun, brother."

"Krux, please! I don't want to go with the snake people!"

But Krux didn't listen, walking away as he headed to work, ignoring his twin as Acronix began to cry.

Machia stuffed Acronix in the back seat before climbing in after him. Blunck gunned the engine, and the car drove off.

X X X

"So you think I'm cute, do you?" Machia asked as the car raced along. Where it was headed, Acronix had no clue. He backed away from her, and didn't reply.

"It's okay, you can tell me…" She snaked out a hand to touch his.

He drew back further, but couldn't hide a blush. "Y-you could hear that?"

"My hearing is very good, yes."

"Oh…"

When it was clear that he wasn't going to say anything further, she continued. "If you agree, I could show you so many…interesting things."

For a moment, Acronix didn't move, considering what she said. Then he straightened up, his confidence returning now that it seemed the snakes didn't want to hurt him. "Interesting, you say?"

X X X

It was another several minutes before they arrived at their destination. Machia led Acronix to her apartment and showed him to her bedroom, inviting him to sit on the bed. As he did, she quickly handcuffed him to the bedpost.

"W-what!? Hey, what are you doing?" he demanded, his voice cracking as he tried to pull free, but to no avail.

Machia leaned over, getting right into his face with a wicked grin. "Have you ever heard of BDSM?" she replied, running a hand down his leg. Several of her snakes hissed in delight.

"Um…no?"

"Heh, so innocent. Here, let me show you…"

She pulled out a cat-o'-nine-tails as she let a few of her snakes slip free to start slithering up his pants. He let out a squeak as a snake coiled around his (redacted). Machia pulled off her shirt, freeing her snake (word missing.) Then she picked up a riding crop from the bedside table, intent on using it to (nope) his (not happening.)

"Hold on, stop!" Acronix scowled at the forth wall as he released the catch on the prop handcuffs. "What is this?"

What do you mean?

"You know what I mean! All these censored and missing words. If you want me to act in your bizarre smut, at least finish the script, first!"

Tttpphhhtt!

"Oh, real mature."

Machia pulled her shirt back on, smirking as he let out another tiny strangled noise as her loose snakes uncoiled and returned to her. "So, does this mean we aren't continuing, then? I mean, he makes the cutest little noises…"

Acronix flushed, but said nothing.

Honestly, what's the point now? Besides, it's not like you really have any, you know, genitals.

Machia shrugged. "True. It's just more snakes down there."

At this point, Krux entered the room. "Has the inevitable stupidity played itself out now, brother?"

Acronix huffed. "It wasn't supposed to be this way…"

Krux put his hands on his hips, giving his twin a look. "Really? What did you expect when a strange author proposed a Fifty Shades of Grey parody when they don't actually know anything about the material they're parodying?"

He's not wrong.

"And seriously, brother? A Vermillion? What is wrong with you?"

Acronix's face was so hot now he probably could have made Kai proud by setting a fire with it. "Hey, she's human…ish."

"She's not even a mammal! She's a sentient pile of snakes!"

Hee hee. Acronix: Confirmed Furry.

"I AM NOT!" Acronix exploded.

Sure you aren't. You just hopped at the chance to do this story before I even finished explaining the plot, as soon as you heard what your role with Commander Machia would be. You agreed so fast, you even surprised her, remember?

"That's because…uh…shut up!"

I'm tormenting you! Torrrrrrmmmeeeennt!

Krux rolled his eyes. "Time to leave, brother." With that, he grabbed a red-faced and fuming Acronix and dragged him out the door.

Machia turned to look at the forth wall. "Does this mean I don't get to do him?"

I don't care. By all means, chase him down if you want.

Machia grinned before following the twins out the door.

The end!

Happy April Fools Day! Come on, you didn't think I'd write serious smut, now did you? I'm honestly really bad at that. Sorry to disappoint. :3