Chapter Three: Tentative Beginnings

Lily didn't see much of Severus over the next few days. She had her final OWLs, which were so mentally exhausting that she had no concentration to spare beforehand, and no energy after. Then there were the final days in the castle, the preparations for going home.

She didn't bother to seek Severus out. She had made her offer, and her apology. The next move was his to make. Besides, she knew Severus well enough to know that the hurt of their fight still lingered in him, as it did in her. She knew it would make him suspicious and cautious. Severus had always dealt with fights by retreating inside himself, and she expected now to be no different. He would come around, or he wouldn't. If he didn't, she'd have to find another way to reach him.

She had enough to do with working on her exams and the last of her schoolwork, preparing for summer assignments, and fending off Potter. James Potter had become convinced that her brief defection to his side had been a sign that she was falling for him at last. Aside from being uninterested, Lily was all too aware of how Severus would view any encouragement she gave Potter. He was far too sensitive and too angry at the moment to risk any behavior that might be misinterpreted.

Fortunately, she had another distraction to keep her occupied. The memories of the future she had returned from were confusing and conflicting. Everything felt so strange. There were things she knew, in terms of class work, that she knew she hadn't learned yet, stray bits of knowledge that came from her older self. There were memories and experiences that she hadn't had, and they made her dreams uneasy and her thoughts confused.

It made her feel odd in other ways too. She still only looked fifteen, but her mind was that of an older woman. It made it harder to relate to her dorm-mates, when they giggled about boys and makeup and robe styles, and whether or not there would be a dance at Hogwarts, and who they might want to go to Hogsmeade with. She passed off her inattention and awkwardness as exhaustion from the exams, but she knew it concerned her friends. Alice, in particular, seemed to be worried about her.

Alice, who in her older memories had married Frank Longbottom, had a child, then been tortured into insanity. The memories woke her more than once, and it was difficult to avoid slipping, or revealing what she had seen. It was difficult to look around her common room and see the faces of those who, in a different time and place had died.

Pettigrew, who had betrayed her and her family to their deaths. She wanted to curse him, to throw him out a tower window, but he hadn't committed a crime yet, unless one counted being an unregistered Animagus. He was still a boy who was nervous and shy and just wanted to impress his friends.

Sirius, who had gone to Azkaban for a crime he didn't commit, been driven mad, been hunted and harried until he died. The boy of her current association was careless and cruel, but she couldn't help pitying the man he had become, even as she wondered whether it would be better or worse to spare him that fate. Without Azkaban, would he mature or grow worse? She had no idea.

Remus, who had married and been killed only a year later, after the birth of his son. Gentle Remus, who deserved better than he had endured in that other time-line.

There were others. Many others. Most of her classmates, in fact. Even teachers gave her trouble, as she struggled to reconcile her teenage perceptions and her older memories. The childish part of her still looked up to Dumbledore as the venerable Headmaster and a wise mentor. Her older self saw his failings all too clearly.

Still, she could hardly tell anyone. She settled for putting silencing spells around her bed to prevent anyone from hearing her talk in her sleep, and concentrating on school and summer plans during her waking hours.

The morning of their departure, an owl landed on her plate just as she finished breakfast. It was a plain brown, utterly nondescript school owl. She untied the message to find a short note, written in familiar neat handwriting.

'Please meet me by our willow tree tomorrow morning. I'd like to talk with you.'

There was no signature, but she didn't need one. There was only one person who could have written the note.

She turned, but Severus wasn't at the Slytherin table. And the owl had flown off as soon as she'd untied the message, so he clearly hadn't expected a reply.

It didn't matter. She rolled up the note and stuffed it in her pocket, then hurried to finish the last of her pumpkin juice. Severus had made his move.

***SS***

Lily hoped to see Severus before they boarded the Express, but she had no luck on that score. Not only did she have her last-minute Prefect duties to attend to, but Severus seemed to be avoiding her. Or perhaps he was simply avoiding drawing attention to himself.

The Express was far too crowded to even consider looking for him, so she contented herself with chattering to her friends about summer plans, and playing a few games of Exploding Snap.

She did look for Severus when they disembarked, but he wasn't on the platform. After a few minutes of searching, she gave up and went through the portal into King's Cross Station.

Her parents were there, as they'd been every year. Remembering that other time-line, where they'd died shortly after her graduation, she couldn't help hugging them a little tighter and longer than usual. "Mom. Dad."

"Lily. Sweetheart. It's good to have you home." Her father's voice was a deep, reassuring rumble in her ear.

"Indeed it is. Welcome home darling." Her mother's voice was a soothing murmur of sound, reminiscent of a thousand nights of bedtime stories, and a thousand greetings.

"It's good to be home. I missed you." She squeezed them again, then reluctantly let go, looking around the platform.

Petunia wasn't there. She wasn't surprised. Her older sister had a social life of her own, and her own interests, and she'd been outspoken against Lily's attendance at Hogwarts for years. But still, it stung just a little. Even remembering the woman her sister had become in that other time couldn't change that.

Her father's gentle hand on her cheek pulled her attention back. Both parents were studying her with concerned expressions. "You all right, sweetheart?"

"You look a little pale. Have you been getting enough sleep?" Her mother, Iris, frowned, stroking her hair back from her face.

"I..." She couldn't lie to her parents, so settled for misdirection. "A lot happened, I guess. We had OWL tests this year. They were...challenging."

"I'm sure you did well." Her father, Harold, pulled her into a quick hug.

"I hope so. But I was so nervous, I guess I didn't sleep much." She brushed her hair back. "I really wanted to do well."

"Well, let's get you to the car, and you can tell us all about it on the drive home." Her father grabbed her trolley, and the three of them made their way to the car.

Lily's parents were quiet as they pulled out of the station. Once they were on the main road, however, Iris swiveled around. "So? Did anything else interesting happen?"

"Well, the classes were interesting. I learned a lot. And being a Prefect is...it's challenging. I guess I didn't realize before how much responsibility there is to being a leader, or running the school. Enforcing rules, doing patrols after curfew, helping the younger students...it's a lot more work than I expected."

"Did you enjoy it?"

"I...sort of. I'm not sure. I don't know that I'd want to be a teacher." She sighed.

"Well, you're young yet. And you still have two more years of schooling to decide."

"I know. It's just...it's kind of overwhelming. They were already asking us about what sort of careers we want, to help us determine our classes for Sixth Year. I said I wanted to be a teacher, or maybe a Healer…."

"Those both sound like excellent choices." Harold bobbed his head approvingly. "You're certainly smart enough for either career."

Iris studied her face. "Was there something else, Lily?"

She considered a moment. The older part of her mind was making plans, but a part of her was all too aware that she was only sixteen. And she was just one person.

She sighed, slumping against the seat. "It's...do you remember Sev?"

"Severus Snape, the boy from down in Spinner's End?" Iris blinked, and in the mirror she saw Harold raise an eyebrow. "The one who first told you about magic?"

"Yes."

"Of course. I knew you were friends with him. I thought you never invited him over because Petunia wasn't fond of him." Harold's voice was thoughtful. "I didn't know you'd kept up with the lad. I don't think you've mentioned him much these last two years."

Lily flushed. She hadn't talked about, or with, Severus much since Third Year. "I...we're in different Houses at school, and his group has a bit of a rivalry with mine. He's Slytherin, and they have a sort of feud with the Gryffindors. There are three boys in our year who really like to pick on him."

"That sounds unpleasant. Have they been causing you trouble?"

"No. But because of it...Severus and I kind of drifted apart. His housemates are a bit...well, some of them are a bit nasty." She grimaced. "I thought Sev might be starting to be like them, hang around them a bit much, but..." She swallowed.

It was hard to admit to what she'd done. She knew her parents wouldn't approve of it. But if she wanted their help, she had to admit her own failings. "During exams, after our Defense written, those boys started picking on him again. The ones from my House. They were really cruel. They humiliated him. I tried to help him, but he got angry and called me a really insulting term. I was angry and insulted him back."

Harold frowned. "Well, I can't say as I approve of his behavior, but we raised you better than that."

"I know. I was just so frustrated and angry. But...Severus did apologize that evening. Only, I told him that I couldn't accept his apology, and that we shouldn't be friends any more if he was going to hang around those cruel boys from his house." She bit her lip.

"Lily. That isn't how we raised you." Iris's rebuke was quiet, but stinging. "I understand you were angry and hurt by Severus being rude to you when you were trying to help, but if he sincerely apologized..."

"I know. I thought about it later. After I calmed down. I started thinking about Severus, and I realized…." She paused, uncertain how to say what she was thinking in a way that wouldn't reveal too much.

"Realize what, sweetheart?" Her mother's voice was coaxing, gentle now, and somehow it helped.

"I realized...Sev never really has money for new things. Those boys were teasing him about his clothes, but I know he takes care of them. But he usually...when we met him in Diagon Alley, remember how careful he was?"

"I do. He said it was because he was using a lot of his mother's old things." Iris nodded.

"He does. But I know his clothes are pretty worn. And he used to talk about his parents...he said they fought a lot. And he's always really thin, and really wary and on his guard. He's prickly and he's sarcastic, and he can be really vicious, but...I can't help thinking..."

"Thinking that his home life is less than ideal?" Her father finished quietly.

"Yes. And when I thought about it...a lot of the people in his House at Hogwarts are kind of snobs. They can be very mean. And very particular about family trees, and money, and inheritances and that sort of thing. I know Severus tries, but...once I started thinking about it, I'm almost sure that things aren't easy for him in his dorms at school. And I thought...he might not mean to be nasty and rude. He might just be...protecting himself, from the boys in his dorms. Especially since he gets targeted by other students so often outside his dorms."

"I see. Do you think it excuses his behavior then?"

"No. It doesn't. It's just...I thought about how I'd feel, if I were in his shoes. And I...I don't feel right. I feel like I want to help him. I know I have to be careful, because he has his pride and he's very stubborn, but I still feel like...it isn't fair. He should at least have a chance. Everyone else seems to get one. Sev should too."

"That's a very mature attitude to take." Harold smiled at her. "What were you planning to do?"

"I don't know. I'm supposed to meet him tomorrow." Lily sighed.

"Well, let us know if you need anything." Iris spoke. "But remember Lily, it isn't your job to fix everything for everyone, so don't push too hard."

"I won't." Lily nodded her agreement, but she couldn't help the words that trickled through her mind.

I wish it were true. But it is my job to save everyone. Especially Severus.

***SS***

Lily left her house early the next morning. Her sleep had been restless and unhappy, and she was only too glad to leave it behind.

Petunia had been home when they arrived, and seeing her sister's pale, pinched expression had reminded Lily, once again, of the future in her memories. Her sister, bitter and determined to ignore anything 'abnormal'. The sister who had so mistreated her son. It made her want to scream at her sister and hug her all at once. She'd settled for a cheerful, friendly greeting, which Petunia had returned with a sniff.

The rest of the evening had been…awkward. She'd ended up pleading tiredness and going to bed early, only to spend hours staring at different things in her room, remembering and trying to remember what had become of them.

Her parents had passed away in her final year of school. A car accident. Petunia had managed the estate, and she'd come home to find herself mostly unwelcome, and many of her things sold. She'd stayed awake for over an hour wondering if there was a way to prevent that from happening this time around. Ideally, she could prevent the deaths of her parents completely, but she'd like to at least prevent her entire childhood from being dismantled while she was away.

With an effort, she turned her thoughts from that, and towards her upcoming meeting with Severus. Her stomach felt tight with anticipation, and also with nerves.

What if he only wanted to tell her that he didn't need her help? And how could she help him anyway, really? Despite her memories and the feeling that she was older, physically she was only just 16, same as he. Not an adult in any society. Nor was she the pure-blood wife she had become, with wealth and a name on her side. And she certainly didn't have the 'Mother of the Boy-Who-Lived' title.

She'd just have to see what Severus said, and try to do what she could. Hopefully, she'd be able to sort something out.

Severus was waiting at the tree when she arrived, a long lanky shadow lounging against the trunk and partially hidden by the fronds. He stood up straight when he saw her, painful hope and wariness in his eyes.

He'd evidently gone home, because he was wearing a threadbare jacket, too-short trousers, and a patched and faded shirt, along with scuffed shoes that had seen better days, possibly better decades. Severus wore robes when he could, but not at home, she knew.

He blinked when she came to stand beside him. "Lily."

"Severus." She smiled at him. "Good morning."

"Morning." He blinked again. "I...wasn't sure you'd come."

"Well, that makes two of us. I wasn't sure you wouldn't change your mind either." Lily dropped to sit with her back to the tree, making herself comfortable. After a moment, Severus copied her, though he still looked wary.

There was silence, awkward and uncomfortable and foreign, between them before Severus swallowed hard and muttered. "You said...you said you'd help me."

"I meant it."

"Maybe. But unless you've got some plan to send my old man away and turn the Marauders into decent human beings, I don't know what you could do." Severus plucked at the grass at his feet.

"I don't know either. But..." She reached out and took his hand, stopping his nervous motions. "Why don't we start with a simple question. If you could name one thing you wanted above everything else out of life, what would it be?"

She was almost afraid the answer would be her name, and she wasn't sure she could promise that. Severus did look at her sideways, emotions flashing in his dark eyes, but when he answered, it was with something different. "Respect." He colored and tugged his hand away, folding up into a defensive curl. "I want respect."

She nodded. She could understand that. And she could see his logic too. The next question was more dangerous, but had to be asked. "And...do you get that with...with Mulciber and Avery and...well, that group?" If he felt he did, this was going to be harder than she thought.

Severus tensed, looking away from her. After a moment he replied. "They respect my skills in Potions. And some with spells, and Defense."

"Okay." Severus looked at her, obviously startled by her acceptance of that. In truth, without her past-life/future memories, she wouldn't have accepted it as an answer. But she understood many things better than she had, her first time around. "You do know though...respecting your abilities...it isn't necessarily the same as respecting you as a person, Sev."

It wasn't a distinction she would have thought much about, or necessarily understood, the first time she'd been sixteen. She wasn't sure Severus would understand it now. But it needed to be understood, if they were going to get anywhere.

Severus scowled. "Of course I know that, the way Rosier goes on about me, especially when he thinks I can't hear him. But I've got to take what I can get, don't I?" He hunched against the tree, hands clenched into fists at his sides. "I'm not..." He clamped his mouth shut on the words, looking at her with wary, nervous eyes.

"Not what?" He looked away, and she reached out to touch his shoulder and pull him back around. "Not what, Sev?"

"I'm not like you!" The words exploded out of him, and then he was scrambling to his feet, twisted away from her, though he didn't leave. A shiver went through him, and one hand clenched tight on the gnarled bark. "Not like you, not like Potter, not like..."

She stood then, and circled around in front of him. The teenage part of her mind was angry, irritated that she was trying to help and he was behaving this way, as if he resented her. But the older, wiser part of her mind thought she understood. She forced herself to remain calm. "What do you mean by that? Not like me...how so?"

"I'm not!" His face twisted. "You...you've got money for new things, you look good...you make friends so easily, and everyone likes you...you know how to talk to people, and you're not always scrimping after every knut...and your parents actually care what happens to you..." He swallowed hard. "I came home, they fought. I was in my room for an hour, through dinner, and they never noticed. I left, they probably won't realize I did until I come back, if then. And he'll only notice if he wants someone else to yell at or shove about. And you've no idea what it's like...you say you'll help, but in the end, you're like Potter...you don't know...you can't know…what it's like..." He trailed off, his chest heaving, expression twisted with a mix of rage and frustration and hurt.

"You mean, I don't know what it's like to be poor, and neglected, or abused?"

Severus jerked as if she'd hit him. "I'm not..."

"You just said your father would only notice you if he wanted someone to hit or yell at. How's that not?" She almost called it abuse again, but she could see from his wild-eyed expression that he would likely bolt if she did.

Severus shook his head again, lank hair whipping about to hide his face. She considered, then abandoned that line of thought. If things went well, there might be time to revisit the question of how his father treated him later.

Instead, she turned her focus to the other things he'd said, and the way he'd said them. "Sev, I can't help that my family's different from yours. But...you sound like you hate me for that. The same way Petunia hates me for being a witch when she's not. Is that right? You resent me for that?"

"No! I'd never hate you…" He jerked his gaze up to meet hers. "I'd never!" Then he swallowed and looked away, a dull flush creeping over his skin. "It's just..." His shoulders hunched again.

"Just what?"

He hunched in on himself, wrapping his arms around his torso. "Just...Potter...he fancies you, you know that. And he's...he's like you. Good family and all. Not a Spinner's End brat like me. Smart and good at sports and popular, well-off...And I see it, all the time...and I'll never be like that. Only, Wilkes and Mulciber and the others. They respect things I can do. I might just be a...a half-blood nobody otherwise to them, but I'm good with Potions, and with spells, and I can do things that they've never seen, and...it has to be enough, don't you see? I have to believe it's enough. No one else gives a bloody shite what I do or if I even exist, so..."

"So you want to be a Death Eater? Sign up to work for the Dark Lord?"

He looked at her with dark, painful eyes. "What else am I supposed to do? Potter and his friends have made bloody well sure I'm a pariah outside of Slytherin House. Ever since the train, I've been Snivellus, convenient target. And after what happened end of last term..." Bitterness washed through his tone. "Think anyone will ever see me as anything other than 'the greasy git James Potter pantsed'? Marauder-fodder?" His lip twisted. "As Snivellus? Snivellus Snape with his worn out, dirty pants...that's all they'll see, unless I can make them see me differently. And so far, Mulciber's crowd is the only one where I've any chance." Hard rage mixed with pain in his eyes as he looked at her. "You might not like them or what they do, Lily, and maybe you're right...but sometimes…sometimes the only way to...to stop things...is to fight back. To be worse. Some people only understand violence. And for some of us, it's the only way to get ahead."

His jaw snapped shut, clenching on the end of his words. Dark eyes glared at her defiantly. She knew what he was waiting for. Condemnation. Accusations. The arguments and reactions she'd have given him the first time, if they'd had this conversation when she'd been sixteen in mind as well as body.

Back then, the first time, she hadn't understood. And she wouldn't have even with his attempt at explaining. He was right. Their lives were too different. She wasn't going to excuse the things he'd done, now or in the future she hoped to prevent, but she did understand.

She'd seen her son, her Harry, face some of the same pressures. And in his way, he'd done the same thing Severus had. Found an enemy to fight back against. Followed the lead of his friends, set himself against those he viewed as rivals and oppressors. It was pure chance that his enemy had been Voldemort, his friends good-hearted and decent. It could have been different.

For that matter, hadn't she done some of the same? She'd joined in the taunting, after all. And she'd refused his apology, even knowing he was sincere, on grounds that they'd 'chosen their paths'.

She came out of her thoughts to see Severus watching her still, half-frightened and half-defiant. She considered her options carefully, then reached out and slowly took his hand. He tensed and started, but didn't pull away.

"Sev…I guess...you're right. I don't understand. But...if I wanted to try and show you a different way, would you try? Would you listen? Because I...I want to believe that it doesn't have to be this way. Not for you. I don't want to lose you as a friend, and I'm afraid I will if things keep on like this. So...if I could show you another option, would you be willing to try?"

Severus blinked at her, confusion replacing his defiance. He swallowed hard, then spoke. "I don't want to lose you as a friend either." He exhaled, all the tension draining out of his frame. "Don't know what good it'll do, but if you've an idea, I'll give it a try, I suppose. But...don't fault me if it doesn't work." His glance was pleading.

"If you really try to make it work, I won't."

Severus sighed, then sank back to the ground. "All right. What's your idea then?"

Lily pursed her lips. "I'm not sure. I need to talk to my parents. That's all right, isn't it? I won't give them details, not if you don't want me to, but...they are adults. They understand more. They have more resources."

Severus huffed, his expression twisting into a sneer before he shook it away. "If you must, I suppose. Can't hurt. Not like they could think worse of me, if they've heard anything from Petunia." He made a self-deprecating gesture to his clothes.

Lily smiled. "They don't actually think badly of you at all. They just know you and Petunia don't get on, and they're not sure...they do have eyes and ears, so they've guessed a bit of what your family is like, but they wouldn't want to put you on the spot by asking, and they don't want to push too hard. I told them about end of term..." She saw his face and added hastily, "...not the details, just that you'd been attacked and embarrassed, and that I thought it was unfair, and they were actually...well, dad was a bit vexed at me for joining in with Potter. I think...I think they'll give you a fair shake. For courtesy if nothing else."

"If you say so." Severus didn't look convinced. She let the matter drop, knowing he wouldn't be until he'd actually seen the evidence with his own eyes.

They sat in silence for several minutes, relaxing in the shade of the tree and each others company. It was a little awkward, with everything that hung in the air between them, but at least the rift in their friendship seemed to have been mended. Lily found herself watching Severus, who was watching the willow fronds wave in the sunlight.

Gradually, he relaxed, sinking into the curve of the tree, He tilted his head back, letting the dark curtain of his hair fall away from his eyes. Ever so slowly, the tension drained from his shoulders and back, his arms settled loosely on his knees, and his face smoothed out, losing the wary guardedness that was his habitual expression. His eyes closed and the lines faded, leaving him looking younger and more open than she could remember seeing him in a long time.

Not since before Hogwarts, since they'd played under the willow tree and he'd told her stories of the wizarding world before their letters. And only rarely then. She'd never thought about it, but he hardly ever smiled. Sneered, yes. Or smirked. But a genuine smile, and a genuine laugh...Severus wasn't unguarded enough for those very often. Only a handful of times since they'd first met.

It was sad. She tried to imagine the kind of life that could lead to such constant tension and wariness, and couldn't. Even when she and Petunia were at their worst, even when the feuding in Hogwarts was really bad, she could find respite, in her rooms or the library, or with her parents when they were home. Or just by going out for a walk.

She needed to get back home, to talk to her parents, to figure out a plan, but she was reluctant to leave without telling him, and equally reluctant to disturb the fragile moment of peace he'd managed to capture. She wondered if he was sleeping, or meditating or just relaxing.

Her conundrum was solved when Severus opened his eyes, blinking, and spotted her. Immediate awareness, tinged with embarrassment, flooded his face. "Lily..." He colored. "I'm sorry...I..."

"It's fine." She stopped his words with a hand on his arm. "It's all right Severus. I could tell earlier you were tired." She offered him a smile. "I'm actually glad. I was worried, with everything..." She paused. "I'm just glad you're comfortable enough to doze with me here. That's all." She stood then, brushing off her clothes. "I was thinking though, that I might be heading back home for breakfast. I want to talk to my parents as soon as possible." She turned to him. "You could come with me, if you wanted."

Severus shook his head, and remained seated. "No. I don't...I'd rather not. Not today. Besides...I've got to go back myself. Make sure..." He trailed off, shaking his head again. "You talk to your parents. I'll...I'll meet you here tomorrow, yeah?"

"Sure. Tomorrow morning." Lily nodded. She offered him another smile, which he returned as a crooked, uncertain half-grin, then turned and walked out into the morning sunlight, heading for home.

She'd gotten Severus to agree to try. Now all that remained was to sort out a plan.

Somehow, she rather suspected that securing Severus's agreement had been the easy part.

Author's Note: Next time, a talk with the elder Evans, and things are set in motion.