Summary: Because no matter how much he tries to pretend he's not, Killua is still haunted by all the things he's done – and even more so, by the things he hasn't.

Things I Don't Understand

Silver hair hugs his drool-stained cheeks as he rolls over, arms splaying out beside him. His nose wrinkles at the aroma of pine trees and cut grass – the grassy bed beneath him matted by his weight. Through the crack between his eyelids he can see people walking to and fro in the village across from the river where he sleeps. He groans and sits up, rolling his shoulders, joints popping into place. The sun is invisible underneath the gloomy cloud cover.

Killua is about to get up when another sighs behind him, and his eyes soften as he turns. Gon.

He takes his dark blue hoodie, grey pants, and purple spotted shoes from beside Gon's clothes and treads onto the cobblestone road. Being silent is easy. He doesn't want to awaken Gon.

The village is tiny, save for the staggering population – of which Killua glimpsed last night while perched on a tree branch above their grass bed, unable to sleep. The old woman selling bread at the entrance is surprised when he appears on the road – a foreigner in modern clothing, with white hair and pale skin so far into the country. Killua doesn't know which country this is and he's none too concerned about finding out.

Him and Gon have been drifting for about three months now, after Alluka… said she no longer wanted to travel with him. She wants her own life, away from their family… away from him. Gon was with him during that time, and offered to take Killua on an adventure to lift his spirits.

Killua isn't sure why. It's inevitable Gon will leave too, one day…

On the opposite side of the village, there's another cobblestone bridge crossing over the river. Before he can go across, giggling and scuffling startles him out of his trance. He turns around. A child with dark hair, grimy and untrimmed, plays around the hem of his mother's dress, but Killua forces himself to tear his eyes away.

About a half mile from the village, he splashes his face with water from the river, near-freezing against his skin. He shudders. It feels good. He was alone the last time he did this too – in East Gorteau, during the invasion by the Chimera Ants.

Almost eighteen years…

Oh yeah, it'll be his birthday soon, sometime next month. Gon already had his.

He remembers when reaching the age of fifteen sounded all so unlikely to him. He would have died of boredom, if nothing else, had he stayed with his family.

As he stares down at his hands pressed against the muddy riverbank, Killua's vision blurs. The running water disappears as he rips up handfuls of grass from the ground – instead, it's as if he's ripping apart flesh.

Sitting back against a tree, Killua clutches himself as he shakes. All else is but raucous clangor, echoing in his skull, pressing in on him from all sides as tears run down his face.

With sobs no louder than the running water, he's grateful when the gasps subside and he can see clearly again. Lately just thinking about them did this to him. He can't seem to make his tears stop…

If someone walked in on him like this – if Gon saw – just what would he say…?

They'd been together for years. Years, and it had never bothered him – not enough for him to have breakdowns at random, anyway… It isn't like everything his family has done is new. He's been away from them for years, so why…?

At this point, his mind feels too much like putty to be able to think anymore. He's successfully slipped away, back to the ignorant place where he's safest and doesn't have to think. It was just another breakdown – he's fine. Nothing he can't handle on his own.

Killua lingers for a moment, near the water, until the sounds of the forest have calmed his nerves enough to stand.

No, he can't let Gon know…

~ Chapter 1 ~

He flops over on the grass. The sun begins to peek between the clouds and pine needles above Gon's head, shining right into his eyes. There's an empty breeze to his left – no surprise there. Killua usually awakes before him.

Breathing in heavily, and pulling the heap of grass close to him, gradually, Gon sits up, rubbing behind his head. Killua's clothes are gone too.

He drags himself off the grass bedding and crawls to the edge of the river just beneath, dunking his head under. When he whips it up, he slicks back his spiked-up crown of hair with both hands, not quite as long as it once was. His morning routine surely hasn't changed.

When finished, he sits back with his elbows on his knees, waiting for the sun to dry him off…

Killua usually awoke before him… but lately, he's been going off by himself early too. It's only been happening for about the last about two months they've been traveling together, and not that often – it's likely Killua thinks he hasn't noticed. Gon doesn't know how to bring it up though. It isn't like there's any harm in Killua exploring a little by himself, but most nights, before they fall asleep, Killua's been… strange. Rather than the imaginative, talkative friend Gon had always been used to before Alluka's nihilistic approach toward the Zoldycks, now Killua seems distant. He gives Gon one-word replies, avoids his eyes, and falls asleep in ten minutes or less.

Come morning, once Killua returns, it's as if everything is back to normal.

Gon isn't sure whether to press the issue… It hadn't been like this very often when they were younger – not even after Killua almost offered himself to Nobunaga, nor during the war against the Chimera Ants. They had always had something to talk about, even if they were avoiding the issue. Why now, after everything?

There are a lot of things Killua doesn't tell me, Gon knows. For instance, Alluka told Gon how Illumi tracked her and Killua across continents as they tried to reach the hospital, how Killua had defied even Silva to get her off of the Zoldyck Estate.

If Killua really wanted to tell me something…

Gon stands, stretching each arm across his chest.

"Hey."

He smiles as he turns. "Hey, Killua."

Both of them are older, taller. Gon more muscular, Killua more slender – but muscular in his own respect. It suits him. Gon laments growing out of his green outfit, but they are technically adults now. Killua has been trying to teach him how to be more fashionable, but it's just too much work for him – a simple shirt, pants, and sweatshirt are all Gon needs.

Killua crouches down to dig through their bag – well, Gon's bag – while Gon asks, "Have you already checked out the area?"

"Yeah."

"Find anything interesting?"

"Not really. The river extends all the way to the mountains near the coast, and then it empties into the ocean. That's where we might find those caves you were talking about, but the locals say many Hunters have checked the area before and found nothing."

"Do you think our luck will be any better?"

"Who knows. For the love of – Gon, where'd you put the deodorant?"

"It should be in there."

"Well it isn't."

Killua's mouth becomes tauter the more he rifles through the yellow backpack. "Are you sure you didn't use it all?" he mumbles.

"I didn't think so…" Gon twiddles his fingers. "Killua, I was thinking…"

He doesn't look up from the bag. "Hm?"

"I think we should go back to Greed Island."

Though his head is halfway buried inside the smelly bag by now, Killua's eyes nearly bulge out of their sockets. With an elbow on one leg, he turns to Gon, bemused. "Hah?!"

"Yeah," says Gon with a finger in the air, "I really liked the atmosphere there. Traveling through the countryside has been nice, but we haven't really found anything worthwhile. I'd like to see what's become of Greed Island now that all the Bombers aren't skulking around. Don't you think it would be fun?"

Killua's lour expression doesn't faze Gon in the slightest. "Why on earth would we do that?"

"Well, why not?"

Killua hates that he can never win against Gon's logic. "If you're looking for another adventure, it's more likely we'll find one out here in the middle of nowhere. Eventually, anyway. It's been nearly five years since we completed Ging's game, but Greed Island is still packed to the gills with players who are trying to find a way home and players who have made lives there and decided to stay…" Do you want to go back to reminisce? Killua is tempted to ask.

"I know, I just think it'd be cool to see how things have changed, if at all."

Gon senses something else behind Killua's hesitation. He wants to ask, but he doesn't know how. Killua has already stood up and asked, "Are you sure?" by the time Gon has registered it, so he leaves it be.

"I'm sure," says Gon.

"Fine. Let's go after we check out the mountains. Just in case."

"Okay!"

Killua swings the backpack on his shoulder and together they walk down the road into the village. "Also, you have to figure out how to get us back to modern society. I have no idea where we are."

"Sure… Killua, may I use your cell phone?"

"No – WE HAVE NO SERVICE, YOU DUMBASS!"

~ o=O=o ~

Gon and Killua have been traveling on one of the large islands bordering the country of Sahelta, where outcropping towns and villages are scattered, like the one they had been near earlier. Coincidentally, the mountain-ocean path is in the direction of another town. As it turned out, there are caves in the mountains once full of treasures, but they've been all but pillaged now, until all that was left were a few dusty coins.

The journey has been the perfect divertimenti after the Alluka fiasco, but both Gon and Killua figure it's about time they get back to doing something constructive with themselves, and what better place to train than Greed Island?

Buildings spring up around them like tiny cliffs, and the weather becomes warmer as the clouds disintegrate throughout the day. Lunch consists of a leisurely meal of avocado rolls at a place called Aunt Momo's – where you can buy a full barrel of peaches for only 700 Jenny. Gon wants to buy one – because "Who doesn't love peaches?" to which Killua yells, "NOT THAT MANY!" – so Killua drags Gon out by his shirt after hastily paying the bill. Gon pouts beside him until they can feel the spray of the sea on their faces. "Ah! Look, Killua! The dock's this way –!"

"Wait, Gon." Killua's hand lingers on Gon's tan arm.

"What is it?"

"Let's not rush. We're still supposed to be traveling at our own pace, right?" After everything that's happened… I don't want to march headlong into another adventure just yet.

After all the time they had spent apart, and all that had come between them, Alluka, and the others… Yeah, Killua's right. "Sure. Wanna look through the gift shops?"

Killua stifles a grin as he stuffs his hands in his pockets. "Lead the way." Killua doesn't care if Gon charges on ahead, as long as he's allowed to go with him through all of it this time. If Gon wants to ignore everything in the past, or talk it out… just as long as they're near each other, Killua doesn't mind. Besides, they already promised each other they wouldn't let that happen again.

The scene is quite reminiscent to Killua – and they aren't even halfway to Greed Island yet. He chuckles to himself. Really, it is just like old times… if only.

A dark figure lands in between them from above. Neither of them have been training much the past months they've been together, focusing more on getting back to the sympatico they once had.

Gon, too focused on what's in front of him, doesn't realize until it's too late. His reaction time has decreased tremendously. Killua's certainly rusty himself, but his limbs are already moving. His fingernails elongate and he crouches into a jumping position before launching forward with violent speed, not unlike their feline foe from long times ago. The figure falls to the ground with a deafening thud – Gon has turned and sees now. Killua is standing back up. Gon's eyes are wide, but the image is so, so blurry to Killua. More figures appear between them and behind them, and Killua moves again, robotic. The figures behind Gon have him in a vise grip and are pulling him, thrashing, into the adjacent alleyway. Killua cuts through every figure that appears between them, unthinkingly.

"KILLUA! KILLUA, DON'T –!"

"Be quiet, brat," a voice hisses. "We aren't here for you –!"

Gon doesn't listen. He yanks on the arms of the burly men holding him. Usually Gon's strength would be at worst matched with any adult, but there's something else keeping him in place, like a glove around his body. "Let go of me!" he cries in anger.

Killua doesn't come to until he has eliminated every other enemy and sees the short javelin in the hand of the man holding Gon, pointing it at Gon's throat. Killua halts midstep. Any move will not be quick enough. He doesn't have the time to activate Godspeed. Their enemy will surely move before he can. "What do you want?!" Killua demands. His voice rattles like that of a furious snake, worse than he's ever heard it.

"I got a tip from a buddy of mine who said you'd be here. Your family is looking everywhere for you. I'm sure the bounty on your head is enough to set a guy up for three lifetimes."

"Too bad," Killua shouts at him. "I'm not going back no matter what."

The man smiles, meretricious. "If you don't come with me, I'll kill him."

Killua knows, even with a lack of training these past months, Gon should be able to break free from the man on his own. The fact that he hasn't already must mean one of two things: He wants to hear what the man has to say first, or there's something physically stopping him from doing so. Gon's eyes are clamped shut and he's panting; sweat beads on his forehead as he tries to pull himself free. Using Gyo, Killua sees the man's aura has snuffed out Gon's. He's slowly sapping away Gon's life energy. If Killua waits too much longer –

"Wait, Killua, don't kill him," Gon sputters, sensing bloodlust.

Killua freezes in place. Why not? Killua's unsure to what Gon's thinking. Maybe he has another plan after all? But when Gon's gaze connects with his… oh…

Killua's arms and legs feel stiff from his swift movements before, but he's trembling. He refuses to look down at his hands as they clench into fists, dripping with warm blood.

"What's this?" the man yells. "Don't tell me you're surprised! Don't you know your friend here is the most promising assassin in the Zoldyck Family? He's a murderer, born and bred to kill –!"

"Shut up!" Gon screams. "Killua, you don't have to kill him – he's just trying to manipulate y –!"

"Yeah, right, a murderer like him won't even think twice about it!" counters the man.

"Killua, don't listen to him –"

"With how many he's killed, why, I'm only a drop in the bucket!"

"Killua –!"

"WHICH IS IT GOING TO BE, ZOLDYCK?!"

With both of them shouting at him, the same throbbing fills Killua's head – the one pounding with despair, anguish, hatred, and a smothering, selfish love. He can't take it.

Gon feels the hold on him release, and he shoves the man away – only to find him a now headless corpse. Gon gasps and he hears the head fall somewhere behind him as blood sprays his face. The world closes around him like the Nen that had just been holding him. He falls on his knees, weak from – from what he's just witnessed. The blood on his cheeks vaguely stings, and then Killua is there, beside him.

"Gon, are you –?" Killua stops, seeing his outstretched hand. No…

Killua turns it.

…There's blood.

He raises his other hand.

More blood.

He looks down at his clothes.

So much blood…

Gon watches him in a mix of confusion and shock. His brow is tight, yet his amber eyes are uncomprehending. He can't seem to move.

The man's words run through Killua's mind. He smirks sadly as tears spill into his eyes.

Yeah… I'm just a murderer after all.

I feel like the reunion idea has been overdone and personally I would like to see how Togashi does it before anyone else – if he does it at all; that man is tricky when it comes to giving the fans what they want. Anyway, I wanted to write something sometime after the series ends and I've had this idea rolling around in my head for a while, inspired by various discussions with my muse. I have absolutely no clue how far this could go as of right now. Since I haven't been able to write in so long, this was the idea that most caught my attention (out of many).

[Edit (5/16/2018): Wow, it's been a while since I wrote this chapter! I just want to let all readers know that this chapter is meant to be vague as per how the story unfolds later on, so I encourage you to stick with it just a few more chapters before you decide whether or not to commit yourself, as its vagueness was surely my intention. Cheers!]

I hope you liked it! Please don't forget to tell me your thoughts below~