AN: Yeaaah...This one's summed up in two words: He's back.

Disclaimer: I don't own RWBY, PJO or Naruto.

It Never Dies

"Man, why is it that I always find myself sitting on the edge of an overpass?"

The one asking the question was a young man who was, in fact, seated on an overpass overlooking the City of Beacon. He was dressed in utilitarian pants and boots, with a form-fitted, long-sleeved white shirt underneath a black combat vest, with padded gloves on his arms. Strapped to his back to form an X were two katana. A white mask with large black domino circles around the red eyes was on his head, though part of the mask had been pulled up to reveal his lower face. Three lines marred either cheek, and hanging from his mouth was a bit of cheap noodles.

"Hey, this stuff wasn't cheap, asshole!" The young man scowled at the audience. He pointed his chopsticks at the screen while the red eye-lenses narrowed. "In fact, it cost me...uh...Alright, one US dollar equals 1.29 Canadian dollars and one green card of Lien equals about one-fourth of that...Well, it sure as shit cost me more than the amount of time you spent describing my sexiness! And I know for a fact that your wannabe Uatu won't do me any justice when he's trying to explain who I am to the Limbo-trapped fine ass viewers of Beacon Academy!"

The young man slurped up the rest of his ramen cup, then tossed both it and the chopsticks down to the alley beneath him. It landed square in the dumpster and he pumped his fist.

"Nailed it!" The young man grinned and pulled his mask down, covering his face. He tucked the mask into his collar so that it fit perfectly around his head. "Now, some of you lovelies may know exactly who I am, or at least, who I'm dressed like and why - and some of you will predictably hate on the lazy writer that is totally ripping off of Reynolds' masterpieces for his own amusement, but I'll find out where you bastards sleep later. I gotta find his first, and ...converse with him over the cliffhanger hell he put me through. But we'll get back to that another day. For those of you who don't know me, allow me to introduce myself."

He hopped to his feet and dusted off his butt, before he put his fists on his hips and puffed out his chest.

"I am the Deranged Demigod! The Moron with a Mouth! The Immortal Mortal! The Champion of Hades, Ares and Mars Bars! I am the son of Dionysus, Olympian God of Madness and Parties of Earth colon One-Five-Zero-Four-Zero-Sixty-Nine, semicolon S-O-M forward slash B-B-Fifteen," he said, before he took a deep breath and smiled, visibly showing beneath his mask. "But my friends call me Naruto!"

Naruto held up a finger and nodded.

"I know what you're thinking, dear audience. Why am I, the Son of Madness and all around awesome incarnate, doing on Remnant? Well, because the lazy author I usually submit to is so fucking bad at his 'job', I'll save you all a shit ton of weak writing or, Olympus-forbid, another rip-off of Reynold's and Miller's brain baby. Lean in close, kiddies, because this...this is going to blow your minds. Are you ready?" Naruto cupped a hand over his ear and waited a moment. After a gust of wind passed by, he lowered his hand and frowned at the audience. "Okay, look, I know that the readers can't respond to me until we get to the reviews at the bottom, but all ten of you bitches sitting on those couches in the random room of that time displaced Beacon Academy better fucking say something or I'll start to think I'm actually going crazy. Now, I said, are...you...ready?"

Naruto crossed his arms and tapped his foot. He peeled back his glove and checked his Digimon watch. A few seconds ticked by. He sighed, slid his glove back into place, and then glowered at the audience.

"Fine. Since someone refuses to speak up," he coughed into his fist the words 'Snow White', before continuing, "I'll keep that little tidbit a secret. For now, we should rejoice and be happy! For I am not after a walking ton of fun this time! No, my loving fans, I am being sent after the Remnant version of Ajax! Be still my throbbing murder boner...Oh, wait, that's my Scroll ringing. Hold please."

Naruto reached into the front of his pants and pulled out the high-tech device. A flick of his wrist and it opened up. He held it up to his ear, like one would a phone, despite the fact that scrolls weren't designed to operate that way.

"You've reached NU World Order, Inc. My name is Naruto, who may I k-word for you?"

"God, would it kill you to pull the Scroll away from your mouth!?" A young woman's voice asked.

"Maybe. So what's up, Vernie? Sneaking away from decoy duty to call little ol' me?" Naruto asked as he walked along the precarious edge of the overpass. "Or did you lose the duty to next year's model? I'll come console you intimately if you want. Just say the magic words."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Sure you don't," he said, rolling his eyes. He casually went into a handstand and began to walk along the edge, back toward where he was sitting. "How's MILF-in-law, be-tee-dubs?"

"Infuriated and determined to cull your balls."

"Ooh, sounds fun! You want in, or you just going to watch?"

"God...Shut up and listen, asshole! I just want to know if you're in position to kill Rainart!"

"Honey, ask nicely and I'll bend over for you, there's no need to resort to poor exposition."

"Are you!?"

"It's on my to do list. Don't worry about it, V, I'll murderize Francis for you. First, I got some fodder fish-sleepers to get through."

"Idiot!"

"I know you are, but what am I?"

"A walking hazard to my health."

"Nope. That's Cinder in the sixth volume." There was an aggravated snarl over the line before the call ended. Naruto stared at the Scroll for a moment. "Rude! She didn't even say goodbye. Hm, I wonder who Salem will send to speak with Sienna after I ice this yahoo? I bet that I could get in on that gig. Just got to suck a few toes and kiss a few co-"

A door being thrown open made the masked young man look down. Below, he saw an older man get tossed across the alley into a dumpster. The same dumpster he'd thrown his ramen in, to be specific. A group of thugs, no more than eight or nine, dressed in suits came out of the establishment and shut the door behind them. One approached the old man and slammed the dumpster lid onto his hand, causing the old man to scream.

"...There are Yakuza in Vale!? Fuck, yes!" Naruto pulled both katana from his back and rolled his neck. "Time to be a hero."

He jumped down from the multiple-story overpass. He free fell for about three seconds before flipping and executing a flawless Superhero Landing, his katana held at his sides. The thugs that were assaulting the old man turned to the newcomer and lifted their generic weaponry. Naruto pursed his lips.

"Oh, Ruby isn't going to like that. Hm, I hope she doesn't riff on Bae Artoria," he said, speaking mostly to himself while he looked at his two katanas.

"Walk away, freak. You don't want to get involved in this," Random Thug Number One said, pointing his pistol at the demigod.

"Ugh, so unoriginal! At least call me assmuncher or dickcheese. Oh, wait, I forgot that your show was PG because of the Fantasy Violence. Still can't believe that the Lannister rip-off totally gets to waste your first noticeable swear word," Naruto said. He shook his head. "I would've totally given that to Migona? Minoga? Mjolnir? ...Whatever, I would've given it to Dark Mousy, but that's just me."

"Senior wants this job done quietly. No witnesses," one of the thugs said to the others. They nodded and advanced on the masked man.

"Señor Senior Sr. is your boss!? Oh, I love that guy! He's a better class of criminal, not as awesome as, say, Cain Marko, but still awesome," Naruto said. He arched a brow when the Yakuza cocked or primed their weapons. "Isn't gunfire the opposite of quiet?"

"Kill him!"

"Oh, puh-lease do try," Naruto said, grinning behind his mask again. The first shot came from the thug with a pump-action shotgun in his hands. The masked demigod cut the slug in half so that two equal portions flew past his head and hit the wall of the building behind him. "Steeeerike one!"

The Shotgun-toting thug blinked behind his sunglasses, pumped his shotgun and shot again.

"Steeeerike two!" Naruto sliced through the slug with an upward swing of the other arm, resulting in the same outcome as the first. A third slug was scissor-sliced by both katana. "Steeeerike three! You're outta there!"

"...Oh, fuck...He's got some kind of semblance!" Shotgun Thug groaned.

"If only…" Naruto sighed, lowering his swords slightly.

"He can't block all of our shots! Move, Randy!" Random Thug Number Two shoved Shotgun Thug aside as he, RTNs Four, Six, and Seven stepped forward with their Uzi-styled machine guns in hand. They fired as a group at the masked man, who attempted to block every shot with his swords, swinging wildly as one would in an action film. When their clips were empty, Naruto stopped swinging and lowered his swords. Slowly, his white suit became filled with dark red blotches.

"...Ow…" He coughed blood as he dropped to his knees and held his stomach. "Oh, gods...Fuck...that hurt. That hurt a lot. That hurt more than the time Lester shot me. Heh, good times. I miss that guy. And Tasky. And Tasky's sweet, sweet ass."

"Well, at least we got him," RTN Six said lowly.

"Oh, the pain! The agony!" Naruto dropped to his side and rolled onto his back. He coughed up a fountain of blood, dousing his white mask even further in the red. "Oh! Oh, gods! I'm dyin!"

"...Shouldn't...shouldn't we do something?" RTN Seven asked. RTN Four slapped him upside the head.

"Like what, dumbass?"

"The pain! It's tremendous!" Naruto let an arm rest over his side. He rolled his head back to look at the thugs. "You've got to end it! End it! Be merciful, dammit!"

"And waste the bullet? Randy, get over there and put one in his mouth." Pistol Thug ordered.

"What, why me?" Shotgun Thug, Randy, asked.

"Because your useless shotgun didn't do anything!"

"It's not useless!"

Naruto let out a loud, exaggerated cry of pain. "Oh, gods on Olympus and beyond! I can't stand the pain! I'll keep shouting, until someone stops it! Anyone!"

"For the love of-Fine! I'll clean up your mess! Again!" RTN Three came forward with a sword. He lifted it up over the masked man's head. He brought the sword up and then down once again, stabbing the blond through the center of his forehead. After a moment, RTN Three pulled his sword out and flicked the blood off. He shook his head as he stared at the corpse. "Sorry, nothing personal."

"I know. It's for the Academy."

"What the fu-urk!" RTN Three jerked as the masked warrior's two katana pierced through his stomach and out his back. He coughed up some blood and stumbled back, dropping his long sword in the process.

Naruto rolled to his upper back, and then kipped up to his feet. He held his arms to the side and looked up at the sky. The upper part of his white mask was red with drying blood.

"Thank you, mania-induced limited immortality! You save me yet again!"

"How the fu-?" RTN Three reached for the swords in his gut, but Naruto whipped around and grabbed them. He twisted them around, then jerked his arms to the sides, causing RTN Three to be nearly bisected, and killing him in the process. He remained on his feet, though, something that amused Naruto immensely, until he pushed the standing corpse over so that it bled out on the ground.

"...J-Jerry?" RTN Five, the other Longsword wielding grunt, asked. He and his fellows were shocked

"Jerry? Does that make you Tom? Or Ben? Please be Ben. I would murder for a bowl of Rocky Road," Naruto said, smiling at his pun. He looked at the audience once more as time slowed to a stop. "Okay, Loser, don't disappoint me with that shuffle button!"

The song, "Ready To Die" by Andrew W.K. was heard only by readers, viewers and the Deranged Demigod himself. Naruto stared at the audience, eyes wide with shock, before he used the back of his hand to wipe at the corner of his mask's eyes.

"...Loser, I take back half the bad things I said about you," he sniffed. He twirled a katana as time resumed to flow naturally. "Time to get Curtis Arnott up in this bitch!"

"Wha-?" RTN Four was swiftly decapitated after Naruto rushed at him, clearing the distance that was between them in the blink of an eye. RTN Two lifted his rifle to block the overhead slice, but the katana cut through the weapon, and human behind it, like butter. RTNs Six and Seven changed their weapons to melee mode and engaged the dimensionally displaced demigod in close quarter combat.

"Oh-ho! So you, too, are both going to challenge me, hm? Well, I am a master of the ancient and sacred art of Mock Fu! Prepare to be dazzled by quips, by jokes, by puns and even, dare I try, the horror of a ninja haiku!" Naruto declared as he parried and blocked the thugs' attacks. He caught both swords in a lock up of his left katana, Bae, and flipped his right katana, Artoria, around. "Now be amazed, as I initiate the alt mode of my wicked awesome and totally original dual-type weapon!"

Like a certain (poorly) disguised cat Faunus, Naruto's right katana shifted into a pistol.

"Oi!" Naruto glared at the audience as time slowed to a crawl again and the music stopped abruptly. "Unlike that quarter-bouncing Bellabooty's Gambol Shroud, my Bae Artoria has a Desert Eagle alt mode. And that small difference definitely makes it original."

The time and music resumed, and Naruto promptly used the pistol to shoot both thugs in the head. Immediately afterwards, he performed an impressive leap-spin to avoid a stab from behind via RTN Five. Naruto lashed out with Bae, cutting the man across the face, before lifting Artoria and fired no less than six shots into the swordsman's chest.

"Dude, you saw me trounce those guys, right?" Naruto asked the corpse as it fell. He shook his head and absentmindedly lifted Artoria behind him to shoot Randy in the head as he tried to flee the scene. The music he and his audience heard came to a close. He ejected the magazine and sighed. "Man, these nine-round magazines are suh-wee-yow!"

Naruto jumped a few feet in the air and dropped Artoria so that he could hold his right asscheek. He whipped around and stared incredulously at Pistol Thug, who was holding the old man the group was attacking originally hostage.

"...You shot me in my firm right cheek, you dick!" He scowled and then gestured to the hole in his butt. "Do you know how many sessions of Jazzercising you've thrown to waste!? Ugh! The nerve!"

"Come near me, and the old man's brains get splattered on the walls!" Pistol Thug snapped.

"Why would you bother to get my attention after taking him hostage? That's only going to encourage your death, you know." Naruto pointed out. Pistol Thug looked alarmed and jerked his gun into the old man's face.

"Don't you come any closer, asshole!"

"That's your fault, dickcheese!" The masked demigod snapped. He looked up at the sound of sirens and arched a brow. "Uh-oh, the piggies smell blood. Or likely a concerned citizen heard gunshots and alerted the authorities. Your ass is grass!"

"Stay back...I said stay back!" Pistol Thug pointed his gun at Naruto and pulled the trigger seven more times.

Seven new holes were put into the young man's formerly white shirt. Naruto put his right hand at the small of his back and pushed, getting an audible pop as his chest wounds healed, and a stray bullet dropped down from where it had impacted his spine. Both hostage and hostage-taker were in awe at the sight of the healing in action.

"Cool, right? Want to see something awesome?" Naruto grinned beneath his mask and lifted his right hand, twisting it into various forms used for shadow puppetry. The hostage taker and his hostage were entranced by the sight, waiting for something to happen. "Now for the magic words: Klaatu! Barata! ...Nikto!"

With that last word, he used an underhanded throw to launch Bae at Pistol Thug's head. The sword impaled him through his left eye at an awkward angle, and the old man let out a horrified cry as blood splattered onto his person.

"Oh, gods, please tell me that you're not a haemophiliac. I don't want to deal with gender-swap Tsunade," Naruto said, scowling behind his mask. He winced when the older man fainted, landing hard on the concrete. "That'll probably crack his skull. And there's the blood. Yup. ...So much for do-goodery."

He picked up Artoria and pried Bae out of Pistol Thug's skull, before he skedaddled it out of the alleyway.

Ignorant of the small white drone that watched him from above.

"You cannot be serious, Ozpin. This person is a maniac." The outrage voice belonged to a shapely blonde dressed like a businesswoman. Playing in front her was the footage captured by the drone on a loop. Oh, he was talented, she would admit that much, but his methods were lethal. Far too lethal for her to condone.

The man she addressed, Ozpin, was seated at the desk that was playing the video. He had his gaze locked on the images, his green eyes narrowed in thought while his hands intertwined under his chin.

"He's skilled, Glynda," said a man dressed in white that stood to the side. His dark hair was trimmed neatly and his jaw squared, presenting a handsome face to the woman. Glynda Goodwitch scowled at him.

"And he clearly lacks a moral code, General."

"Glynda, I like it even less than you do. But we need someone with that sort of skill to stay out of Salem's clutches," General James Ironwood said. He rewound and re-played the moment where the masked swordsman bisected shotgun slugs. "And we also need to know where he learned how to do that."

"Shot in the dark, it was trial and error?" A raspy voice asked with a hint of dark humor. Ironwood and Goodwitch glowered at the holographic and lanky individual that was 'leaning' against the lone desk in the darkened room. He took a swig from his flask and then shrugged. "This guy gets things done. I could use a hand out here where the real hard work is. I don't see a problem."

"Of course you don't, Branwen. You're drunk." Ironwood deadpanned.

"...And your point is?"

"How are you our best intelligence officer? How?"

"It's because he's voiced by an actual celebrity. He got that Super Mario star power!"

Heads turned and stared at the blond youth that was currently ringing out his white mask of blood while he leaned against the wall. His white shirt was hanging on a clothesline that had been strung up in the doorway, dripping water onto the floor. One of his swords had been impaled in the wall and his vest hung on it. Two purple eyes looked up and blinked at the four pairs that stared at him.

"Do you not have Super Mario here? ...No? ...This dimension sucks worse than a virgin on prom night," Naruto said with a huff. He flicked his mask out one last time before he penned it up on the line next to his shirt. He turned around and yelped as both Ironwood and Goodwitch pointed their weapons of choice at him. He arched a brow at the latter's. "...Are you asking me to be your sex toy? Because I'm so up for that after the night I had."

"How did you get in here?" Ironwood asked.

"Well, the door wasn't locked…"

The holographic lanky figure snickered. Ozpin sighed.

"How did you really get in here?" he asked. Naruto huffed and crossed his arms.

"Impertinent, the whole lot of you," he said. His blue eyes rolled as Ironwood and Goodwitch kept their weapons leveled on him. "If you must know, I may have, sort of, kind of struck a deal with Chronos, the Greek God of Time, so now I can...slip through the timestream, which allows me to teleport, in a way. It's the Loser's way of giving me the OG DP's teleporting belt, but not as cool. I wish that he'd let me keep my voice boxes instead, but...sadly, Kurama and Yami, my favorite random voices since Mr. Bubbles went away...didn't survive the trip through dimensions."

Naruto choked back a sob and let his lip warble. Sarah McLachlan's "I Will Remember You" played in his head as he recalled their best moments. Such as their arrival in chapter two of Sound of Madness, Yami's damage in Chapter Three, and the consequential haikus of horror that followed. He sniffed.

"And the worst part of it is, I can't see the OTP I so Kuvet set sail," He dropped to his knees and covered his eyes with both hands. "...I'm sorry, Scarlatina! I failed you!"

"Wonderful...He's insane." Goodwitch grumbled as she lowered her crop from the sobbing young man. She blinked, startled, when he appeared under her arm making eyes at her, all sign of his depression gone.

"Flattery will get you everywhere, my dear." He leaned in and whispered in her ear. "Everywhere."

"Get. Off."

"Oh, I plan to. All over your-" He ducked away from the glare she leveled on him, reappearing on the other side of the room, next to Ironwood. "Bed! Jeez! You're worse than my Tasky when she gets the urge. ...Or when she goes through a memory lapse, something that was supposed to happen in the next chapter of my story, but somebody lost the notes!"

"...Who are you shouting at?" Ozpin asked. He looked out the window that the blond was staring out of. The room became tense. "Is someone there?"

"It doesn't matter, you won't believe me even if I told you. Even a Wizard as old as you are and-wow, look at the size of that barrel!" Naruto exclaimed as he stared down the barrel of Ironwood's gun. He glanced up at the white-suited General and waggled his brows. "Bet that's compensating for something, eh, Cyborg?"

"Is there a point to you being here, Mr...?" Ironwood asked, a scowl on his face from the cyborg remark.

"Augh, I go through all the trouble to make an awesome introduction at the beginning of the story and you don't bother to pay attention to it!? Why do I even bother with you people?! Raven was right, you're all going to die. Well, maybe not him, unless they lose funding to pay Broly," Naruto said, nodding at the hologram, who was currently coughing after the name was mentioned. He snorted. "Wow, you got a drinking problem or something, Qrow?"

"How do you know Raven?" The lanky man, Qrow, asked, glowering at the blond while also ignoring his question.

"...Why wouldn't I? She's my MILF-in-law, Uncle-in-law. ...Or at least, according to the Bae-ble she is."

"Bae-ble?" Ozpin asked, a brow raised.

"Y'know, a Bible for The Bae, aka me?" Time slowed and Naruto looked at the Audience, a grin on his face. "Oh yeah. I'm all for making that magic happen, Goldilocks. Just know that we might have to talk about this whole monogamy thing. In bed. A lot. First things first, though."

He looked at Ozpin as time resumed. "It's not important since you aren't part of Dag's book club. And no, I was talking about Squirrel Girl. Side note, totally down with doing a Squirrel Girl if the mission so demands. Faunus Fucker Forever!"

"Language!" Goodwitch snapped.

"English!" Naruto retorted. He blinked and rubbed his chin. "Or...Japanese, originally. Sometimes I speak that magical Weeaboo, but that comes and goes. As does my verbal tic and/or battle cry, 'Dattebayo'. It really depends on how bad the Loser's ADD slips in."

"Do you have anything meaningful to say here?"

"Hm? Oh yeah!" Naruto palmed his head. "I got so wrapped up in fourth wall jokes I almost forgot about that stupid plot thing. Oh, the drawbacks of being written by an amateur, I swear...Anybutt, care to tell me where I can find Hansel?"

"Hansel?"

"Hazel, sorry, Freudian slip. He got a funny German name. Not as funny as Sneeze, but still funny," Naruto said. He started snapping his fingers. "Sounds like brain fart, but not as clever."

"Hazel Rainart?"

"That's him! Where he at? I got a gig to k-word this guy and I'd like to be done with this scene before we hit five-thousand words," Naruto said dryly. He tapped the watch on his wrist. "Clocks' ticking. Tell me now please, or I'll have to time teleport to him."

"...Why not do that to begin with?" Ozpin asked.

"Because A) where's the fun in that? It's like Lady Luck, not very cinematic. B) insert reader's choice of a convoluted and/or second weakly written reason that I can't do that. C) I wouldn't have gotten to give Goodwitch's girls a nuzzle in exchange for a cheap laugh. And my D. ...Nothing further." Naruto shrugged.

"...Oh my god, I don't know if I hate this kid or if I like him." Qrow admitted while the other adults in the room stared at him in bewilderment.

"Ooh, ooh! Like me! I'm on Kindling, Flashtalk, FriendScript, and Yowl," Naruto said, swiping through his scroll. He let his shoulders fall. "My Chirper account got shut down because of my nametag. I thought that (a)Foxy_Ramen_Fucker wouldn't have been taken in the wrong way, but...I was wrong."

"Yes...Well, I'm sorry to say that I haven't spoken with Hazel in a long time," Ozpin said. He drifted off in somber thought.

"A shame, but nothing I didn't expect," Naruto sighed. "Because of what happened to that Gretel chick, right."

"Gretchen."

"Yeah, that bitch." Naruto nodded.

"You shouldn't speak ill of the dead."

"And you should learn to screen all of your guests. Maybe then Fall would've have come by now, but she definitely would've been done if she had my help." Naruto shrugged. He slipped over to the other side of the room, back near his things and started to get dressed. Once he got his mask back on, he gave the four a grin. "If you guys ever need a hand, or two, let me know and I'll find someone to donate."

Then he was engulfed in a cloud of purple smoke.

"Stupid smoke bombs! Always go off prematurely!"

Naruto vanished while coughing up a lung.

"...I don't think we ever got his name." Ironwood drawled.

"No. No we didn't." Ozpin shook his head, a small smile on his face.

He doubted any of the others noticed, but the entire time they spoke with the young man, he controlled the conversation. He diverted attention while holding it, sized them up and stared them down. He gave them a few leads, a hint or so, such as Raven's inevitable teaming with Salem. Ozpin hadn't survived so long with his curse without a keen wit, so he had noticed. And he noticed the gift the boy left.

There was a small card left on his desk. One he quickly picked up. An ace of spades, with a red circle bisected by a red line drawn crudely over the spade in crayon. A number was scribbled along the left, and two words along the other side: Amber's Hott.

The smile Ozpin wore vanished.

Things just became a lot more complicated.

"You know, it's times like this that I really love them line breaks. Scene shifts? Bah, whatever, it's a convenient plot device," Naruto said with a shrug. He was without a care in the world despite being unmasked, literally disarmed (thankfully at the elbows), naked, and strapped down to a stretcher by black leather bands. He looked up at the white-faced, white-haired, red-eyed woman that stood over him, blinked and then tilted his head. "...Claudine Renko?"

"Who are you?" the woman demanded, her red eyes narrowed. Elation spread across Naruto's face and he gasped.

"Cortana! You're alive! My Halo 2 fanfiction is saved!"

"Answer me, fool. Who are you? How did you find us?"

"Oh, don't ruin our reunion by getting all technical over the plot holes!" Naruto groaned. "Only I can do that! Here, let's play twenty questions. Winner, gets to do anything they want to the loser. I'll even give you a hint, I'm rock hard."

A hand gripped his throat and squeezed, Naruto gagged. From the left came a lean man with crazed eyes, dark hair, and a scowl on his face.

"Fools should not speak to our Goddess in such degrading banter," the man spat.

"Tyrion," the woman gave him a look and he released the blond's throat. He bowed his head in submission and stepped back. The woman looked back at the blond. "Answer me. How did you find me?"

"Ahem, well, would you believe Agent Redd Herring led me to you?" Naruto asked. He shook his head and grimaced. "Oh, what I would do for some hands right now to rub my neck. For a whoring half a man, that's some killer grip."

"...Can I cut his leg off, Mistress?" Tyrion asked, his eyes ablaze while his features remained flat.

"No." The woman denied as she circled the blond. "You will tell me how you found us eventually. The longer it takes, the more pain you'll feel before you die."

"You clearly have not been reading the past few scenes. Listen, Zoey, I know you're all into this World Domination schtick, but I'm just here to end the life of Mr. Sunshine over there so I can get paid. And possibly laid," Naruto said with towards the shadows to his left, where he believed Mr. Sunshine was. He waited a beat before frowning. "Huh, usually the walking dead make some kind of noise after that sort of threat."

"You're a contract killer?"

"Beerus' Balls of Destruction!" Naruto yelped and jerked in his restraints when Hazel Rainart spoke up on his right. He whipped his head to the shadows, back to Hazel, back to the shadows again, before looking at Hazel with narrowed eyes. "You wouldn't happen to be a child of Pluto would you?"

"Who?"

"Oh, good, you have no idea what I'm talking about. There's only enough space in this dimension for one demigod!" Naruto huffed, then turned to look at the audience. "Not to mention I totally don't want to kill Rule Sixty-Three Levesque after what happened to Jasper. Frank would never forgive me. He still might not after that whole Amazon incident."

"This guy's a loon," Hazel said dryly. The blond snorted and turned away.

"Sticks and stones might break my bones," he said loudly, before whispering to himself, "But names will always hurt me."

"Enough of this. Tell us how you got here!" the White Woman demanded.

"...Origin story time?! Ye-eah! Well, it all started after my mom got drunk and slept with my dad. Then she gave birth to me five years ago, and a bunch of nin-"

The woman backhanded him. Hard. So hard that a loud crack echoed throughout the room. The crack made both Tyrion and Hazel cringe. His jaw remained crooked for a moment before another sickening crack filled the room when his jaw forcibly realigned itself. The blond demigod did some mouth exercises before he glared at the woman, who, along with her associates, was shocked at the healed injury.

"Wow, rude!" Naruto huffed. He rubbed his jaw with his hand, causing the woman and her associates to blanch at the sight of his regrown arms. "Didn't even let me finish my origin story. Even the impertinent Prince Jojo let me do that. ...Oh, hey! Guess who's got two hands and is going to collect his paycheck tonight? This guy!"

With that, he ripped off the restraints and then gripped the top of the gurney that he had been bound to. He pulled himself off, dodging Tyrion, who shifted into his Scorpion-Man form to attack. The blond demigod leapt up and leapfrogged over Hazel as he became a being of electricity.

"Get him! Don't let him escape!" The White Woman demanded.

"Huh, this is actually going really well for me! What a dream come true!" Naruto cried out with a smile. He froze, stopping mid-run. "Wait...Wait a minute...Hold the phone...something ain't right."

Tyrion, more scorpion than man at this point, stabbed him through the gut with his stinger and then chopped off his arms. The blond's arms grew back faster than one could blink and he pulled Tyrion in, clocking him across the face. The blow sent Tyrion the Scorpion-Man flying through a wall.

"Do you mind!? I'm having a revelation here!" Naruto's eye twitched and he stared at his fist. "How did I do that? I ain't 616 DP. I ain't got no super strength, just enhanced strength at best."

"Kill him!"

Hazel charged with a roar, his body going full Jamie Foxx's Electro. Naruto locked hands with Hazel, meeting the living electric man's gaze. Then, he whipped the man at an outlet, where he was absorbed into the power grid.

"...You're strong." The White Woman realized. She began to undo her cloak. "Too strong. I must submit to you and-"

"Ah-bah-buh-dah! Hold it! Time out!" Naruto snapped, freezing the world around him with a scowl on his face. He glared at the ceiling as the dark room began to fracture around him. "I could allow being time-skipped into the midst of an enemy's lair, I could allow the not-Lannister becoming Scorpion 2099, and I could believe that the Living Megawatt would be absorbed by an outlet! But not even in my wildest, lust induced fantasies would Salem ever succumb to my awesomeness without a good paddling first! I'm going to say this once, and only once!"

Naruto pointed at the sky as his suit reappeared over his body, undamaged, unmolested, and basically cleaned of all blood.

"GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HEAD!"

"Ugh!" A mint-haired girl with dark skin stumbled back into a ruined book case. Her nose had a line of blood falling down it. She groaned and rubbed her head. And the day had been going so smoothly. She'd managed to pick the pocket of a clueless old man, and she'd hunted down the guy Cinder wanted dead.

Never before had she seen a mind as...random as the one she'd just tried to capture. when he interrupted their hit. His subconscious, the basically ignored portion of the conscious mind, had fought back against her. Her red eyes glanced over at her ally, a silver haired boy clad in a black and silver getup. He glanced at her, arching a brow, before returning his gaze to the still blond that stood in the doorway with his swords drawn.

"Wow. Klutz much?" he asked.

"Shut up, Mercury." The girl said with a scowl. She wiped the blood away from her nose and looked at the blond. "We need to leave. Now."

"What? Come on, Em. We got a job to do." The silver-haired boy, Mercury, said. He lifted his leg and kicked the blond that had interrupted his fun. He didn't expect the left sword to suddenly lift up and catch his foot, the flat of the blade blocking the hidden barrel in his boot. Mercury blinked before he turned to look at the girl. "...Emerald, why is he awake?"

"I tried to warn you," The girl, Emerald, grumbled as she pulled out her weapons, two long-barreled revolvers. She aimed and fired, hitting the blond in the chest twice. Blood dripped down from the entrance and exit holes, darkening the white shirt he wore.

"...Well, now I'm pissed." Naruto lifted his head and glared at the two, his eyes glowing an eerie shade of purple. The wounds in his chest slowly closed shut. "I come out to get myself some nice reading material, maybe even find a map of this stupid planet, and what do I find? A couple of wannabe assassins trying to make their boss proud by killing a clerk that would make Randal look like the employee of the month."

"Is that supposed to be an insult?" The clerk in question, a Faunus with thick mutton chops, asked with a scowl.

"Shut it, Cougar Town, or I'll do their job for them!" Naruto snapped, glaring at the man. The clerk held his hands up and backed away. Naruto looked back at the two would-be assassins, his purple eyes glinting with madness as he looked at the silver-haired boy. "You ever hear about the one-legged man and the ass-kicking contest?"

"The wha-AAAGH!" Mercury cried out as his leg was suddenly severed from the mid-calf down. Blood sprayed onto Naruto's face as the boy fell back. Naruto scowled.

"I said stop that." His purple eyes glowed brighter. The one-legged Mercury disappeared and reappeared, leg intact, standing beside the clerk. Naruto lifted Arturia and shifted it into its gun mode. Three shots made Mercury back away from the clerk.

"Hey! You mind not putting holes in my sto-Gak!"

Mercury and Emerald stared with wide eyes as their mark fell back with a hole in his head. They looked back at the purple-eyed blond, who was grinning madly.

"Whoops, curse that darn itchy trigger finger," he said with a chuckle. A flick of his wrist and Arturia shifted back into its blade form. "Now, time for me to take a few inches off. Approximately, nine inches to be exact. And that, my friends, is a magic number."

"...I get the feeling he isn't talking about trimming our hair," Mercury said. He suddenly cried out as he was launched forward. The silver-themed teen flipped around in the air and spun, sending two blasts from his feet. His attacker, a duplicate of the blond, took the shots and exploded into a cloud of smoke. Mercury grimaced as he landed beside Emerald. "Oh, great. He can heal and he's a cloner…"

"Cloner!? How dare you! I am not the OG, spamming Kage Bunshin this way and that!" Naruto snapped. His eyes continued to glow and multiple duplicates of the blond began to appear, slowly swirling into existence. Each spoke at once, all sounding rather irked. "I am the Son of Madness, you patricidal little shit! You want to play mind games, kiddos? Alrighty then, let's play some mind games!"

"What's that mean? ...Emerald?" Mercury looked at his ally. Emerald's eyes were glowing bright purple. Blood was seeping down her nose. He grabbed her shoulder and jostled her. "Emerald? Hey! Snap out of it!"

"Oh, she can't hear you, boy." A chorus of deep voices echoed. "It's just you and us now."

Mercury froze. He knew that voice. Looking around, he saw that every blond had changed. They had become tall, white haired men with darker skin. Each man stood a head taller than himself and had legs just like his, only they were exposed as the prosthetic limbs they were.

"Shit."

Then the men moved. Marcus Black was a drunkard when Mercury fought him, tired and weakened by age. But now, not only did he fight the man in his prime, he fought an endless army.

Needless to say, Mercury Black did not walk away from this fight.

Hell, he didn't even crawl.

"What to do with you?" Naruto mused as he walked around the tied up Emerald, tossing the bloody head of a silver-haired teen. Bleeding out beside her was her now deceased and very headless ally, Mercury Black. The blond mercenary was rather elated to learn that Aura did not defend against his illusions. It evened the playing field a bit. Sure, it took a few swings, but eventually Mercury's aura dropped.

"...You could let me go?" Emerald watched the head of her comrade bounce in the blond's hand. She never really liked Mercury. He was tolerable at best. Her gaze went to her weapons, dismantled and scattered around her. She didn't even know how he did that.

"I could do that, couldn't I? Let you go running off and reporting back to Cinder. Hm, I could you follow you, too. Watch you try to warn the arrogant bitch that you are devoted to," Naruto said, humming in thought. He held Mercury's head up like it were a skull in a Mistral play. "Maybe even get a lead as to where I could find my target for this fic."

"She could tell you-"

Mercury's head was thrown out the window and the blond clapped his hand over her mouth, shoving something in that shut her up. It was long, rubbery and...Emerald blanched, gagged, and tried to spit the object out. Another clap and something with adhesive left the phallic object in her throat, muffling her protests.

"Shut up! I'm having a thing! You know, that thing with the images and the sounds that make something sort of creative and sometimes smart come out of your mouth? Gah, what's it called?!" Naruto snapped his fingers and scrunched his eyes. "It's sort of like a brain explosion! Oh yeah, that's it!"

Emerald watched as the blond rummaged around in one of the pouches on his waist before he pulled out a small amount of...clay? He turned on her and grinned as his blue eyes started to glow purple. She swallowed, heavily.

"I have an idea."

One excessive use of plastic explosives later…

"Okay, admittedly, that plan probably wouldn't have ever really gotten us anywhere," Naruto said from where he stood outside the remains of Tukson's Book Trade.. He watched a small black figure fly up into the stratosphere before it fell back towards the planet. He took one step to the left and held his arms out. "Don't worry! I got ya, Emmy!"

The charred, burnt, and positively destroyed corpse of one Emerald Sustrai smacked down into the space he previously stood in. He pursed his lips, looked down at the body, and then grimaced.

"Ooh...My bad. That's on me. They usually always hit just one step away. ...Oh well!" He shrugged and interlaced his hands behind his head, strolling away from the blazing inferno while sirens cried out in the distance. Time slowed to a crawl and he looked at the Audience. "Y'know something? I think I'm forgetting about something. Something important. ...Ah, it'll come to me. See y'all next time! Play me off, Loser!"

With that, the blond waved at the audience once last time before he jogged away as Andrew W.K.'s "Ready To Die" began to play again.

Halfway through the song, the music stopped and Naruto, now a speck in the eyes of his viewers, stopped.

"Aw, fuck! I forgot to ask where Hansel is! Wait! Wait, Loser, don't you dare end it here! You son of a bi-!"

AN: Yep. I saw DP2. Twice the glory, triple the holes. Now, Dionysus' Naruto is in Remnant. How did he get here? What reading group was he talking to? Will he find Hazel? And will I ever stop being so sporadic with updates?! These questions and more will be answered...

…Right now. Hecate's Magic; E4E's RWBY group; Yes; and oh, god no.

Thanks for reading, you lovely people you.

Now y'all know what I want ya to do!

REWHEREISFRANCIS?!