Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or RWBY.

Drunken Bastard

Mistral is one of the Four Kingdoms that reign supreme over Remnant. It's known for its high social class' tastes in fine arts and being home to the lowest levels of criminal scum. One Vacoan soldier shared his major critique of Mistral during the end days of The War, which had since become a common phrase to throw in Mistralian faces.

"'While the high class wines and dines, the low class commits countless crimes,'" a youthful man said under his breath. The youth was a blond teen, his face marred with three lines on either of his cheeks. Fierce blue eyes that shifted subtly from one unknown person to another. He was currently walking through the slums of Mistral, accompanied by two towering armored and armed guards along with a feminine figure clad in a cloak and hood.

Unlike the armored men, the youth wore a deep blue belted plaid that rested from his right shoulder to his left hip and fell just below his kneecap. A dark leather vest rested over a sleeveless Jacobean that lacked lacing, matched to the bracers on his arms, the pouched belt that kept his kilt from falling undone, and the tempered animal hide crafted boots on his feet. A silver pauldron attached to the leather strap that crossed his chest – done to keep the 'belt' of the plaid in place, lest any would be pranksters try to get him to have a wardrobe malfunction – protected his left shoulder matched the gentle hue of the few metal parts of his gear, and the pommel of the enormous claymore that the leather strap kept to his back.

"Watch yer mouth, bastard," one of the two guards sneered. His grip was tight on the polearm he carried with him as they escorted the hooded figure to a seedy bar. "The Council has ears everywhere."

"Yes Sterling," the youth said dryly. His eyes rolled. "Because the Council isn't the one who organized this...Uh..."

"Rendezvous, Naruto," the hooded figure's silvery voice placed the word the youth sought.

"Right, that. Er...Thanks, M-Milady," the youth, Naruto, said. He ducked his head down when Sterling and the other guard, Tanner, sent him looks of warning. The youth slipped back, staying as inconspicuous as one could in such an environment without drawing suspicion.

The group of four walked into the rundown little building with a sign outside that read Rammer Inn. The youth lingered outside for a moment as he stared at the broken sign. He tilted his head and furrowed his brows.

Why in the Brothers' names would that be a good idea? He wondered.

"Oi! Get in here, ya git!" Sterling hollered indignantly. The youth's eye twitched.

"And they call me a bastard..." He mumbled as he followed suit and came to a stop behind the cloaked woman. Being a few inches taller than the escorted, he glanced down and saw a hint of a smile on her face. Curious, he made to ask what she was smiling about, but was cut off as the cloaked figure moved towards the back of the bar, towards a shadowed table.

"Move along, Naruto," Tanner said, nudging the teen towards the shadowed corner. He and Sterling hung back by the door, leaving Naruto and the cloaked woman to approach the booth.

"Stop." A firm, but soft order came from the darkness. Red eyes peered out from the shadows and a figure soon emerged. A masked figure with raven hair, easily twice Naruto's age, but still shorter than him by at least a head, emerged and stood across from the cloaked figure with her arms crossed. Her eyes narrowed on Naruto behind her mask. "We agreed that we'd not bring personal guards."

"And I left mine at the door," the cloaked woman said. She gestured with a tanned hand that matched Naruto's skin to the blond. "He's but a boy and is strong like his father. That's all."

The masked woman blinked once, unimpressed, and the cloaked woman's hand disappeared back into her brown covering. Naruto shifted his weight uneasily from one foot to the other, while resisting the urge to pull his weapon, Beli Mawr, from his back.

"Naruto," the cloaked woman drew his attention with the soft utter of his name. She nodded. "You may have one drink."

Naruto blinked. He looked at the masked woman, then back to the cloaked one.

"Um, Mo-Milady," he started uncertainly. "Wouldn't that be counter-uh, counter-?"

"Counterproductive? No. Just order one drink, Naruto." A lien card, red, appeared in front of him. "Nothing less than fifty."

"Er, right. If...If that's what you want... Milady," Naruto said, again hesitating with the title he used to address her. He went to the bar to order a drink, leaving the two women to themselves.

"I wouldn't think you of all people would promote the indulging of alcohol while underage, Lady Portus," the Masked Woman said dryly. The cloaked woman, Lady Portus, merely smiled again, though it seemed a bit strained if one looked close enough.

"Lady Corvus, you shall understand everything once Naruto returns," she said. The Masked Woman, Lady Corvus, merely snorted and leaned back against the wall, her mask and red eyes the only things that stood out amongst the shadows. They waited in comfortable silence before a glass suddenly shattered, and their attention turned to the bar.

"What the fuck did you just say, you little shit?!" A golden-toothed cliché of a crook snarled as he waved a broken bottle at Naruto, who looked a bit wobbly along with bearing a prominent blush across his face.

"I said," Naruto began, emphasizing the word almost obnoxiously, "'Wow, your dick must be as short as your vocabulary'. To be fair, though, I thought I whispered it. And I apologized."

"Oh, you think you're being fucking cute?" Gold-Tooth asked. Naruto didn't even miss a beat.

"Bitch, I'm adorable!" he crowed proudly. Gold-Tooth swung his broken bottle at the tipsy blond, and found merit, as the glass weapon crashed against the blond's face. The crook's nasty grin fell into a look of bewildered shock when no visible damage was seen on the teen's face. Naruto blinked and frowned. "Is that all you got? 'Cause I don't do quickies."

"...What the fuck-?"

Naruto reared his head back, and then snapped it forward. Skull met cartilage and shockingly, the former beat the latter. The blow also sent Gold-Tooth rocketing out of the bar, the wooden wall caving under the impromptu projectile that was a human body. Naruto shambled over to the hole he'd unintentionally made and peered out at the form that was imbedded in the brick building across the way. He pointed at the man and laughed suddenly.

"Your face looks like it caught on fire and someone tried to stomp it out!" the teen chortled. From the doorway, Tanner shook his head and Sterling grimaced.

"Sadistic bastard..." he grumbled. Naruto turned and looked at the guard with squinted eyes.

"You say something, Sterling?" he asked. Sterling rapidly shook his head no. Naruto nodded. "Good! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm supposed to be on bodyguard duty...Shit, I'm on bodyguard duty! And I'm drunk!"

"You're fine, Naruto." Lady Portus informed him as soon as he reappeared at her side, trying with all he could to appear sober. A poor job since he was slouched a bit more than usual and had a prominent streak of red across his face. Not to mention his eyes had also turned red.

"Sorry, Mo-Er, Milady," Naruto said with a sheepish laugh as he scratched the back of his head. "Mr. Shanks back there gave me a Chauntry Chuggalo...er, two hundred and sixty proof."

"You were right...I think I understand," Lady Corvus said. She lifted her mask and revealed what most would call a beautiful, if not goddess-worthy, face. Naruto, being so plastered he could barely stand up, simply thought she was 'pretty'. Her red eyes stared into his for a moment before she gave him a once over. Lady Corvus then gave Lady Portus a questioning glance. "He's broader in the shoulders, and shorter."

"My family's traits are very potent, and Naruto is dedicated to his training," Lady Portus said in return. "As for his height, he's fifteen. He's still growing."

"Still?" Lady Corvus asked, a thin brow arching slightly.

"Our physician estimates him to reach General Ironwood's height once fully grown."

"Hm. Can he use the sword on his back or is it there for show?"

"In time, he will go to Mistral Academy to perfect his form."

Naruto squinted his eyes and looked between the two women. He then looked at Lady Portus suspiciously. He'd never agreed to be going to Mistral Academy. Or did he? ...Maybe he was drunk at the time. Er, drunker than he was now.

"Am I being sold as a sex slave?" Naruto asked finally, since he felt the questions were becoming more and more inappropriate. Hell, they even started discussing his dietary choices. Who does that?

"W-What?!" Lady Portus asked, alarmed by his sudden comment.

"If anything, as you are now, you'd be breeding stock." Lady Corvus deadpanned. She crossed her arms. "But that's being generous."

"Lady Corvus!" Lady Portus hissed while Naruto shrugged. There were worse ways for him to die. Lady Corvus scoffed.

"You can drop the pseudonym," she said. She faced Naruto fully. "My name is Raven Branwen. I'm your aunt."

"...So, that's a no on the sex slave thing, then?" Naruto asked. Raven snorted and looked at the ashen-faced Lady Portus.

"You should temper your mouth, Naruto Branwen." A red swirling portal suddenly appeared behind Raven and she backed into it. "It's gotten my brother into trouble more than once."

Raven disappeared into the vortex and Naruto blinked before he looked at Lady Portus, who looked like she swallowed something sour.

"I take it she left before you could negotiate a new treaty for her Clan's immunity?" he asked. She nodded. Naruto hummed. He tilted his head and crossed his arms. "So...can we talk about my dad now?"

Lady Portus sighed and hung her head. "I hate you, Raven."

"I hate you, Raven." A scraggly man with graying hair grumbled as he sat down at a table across from the woman in question. He rubbed a red handprint on his left cheek that seemed to slowly be fading away. "You pick the worst times to come back into my life."

"Because your requests to meet are always so convienent for me," Raven said snidely to the man. She allowed a small smirk to cross her face. "How's the teaching life, Qrow? Quiet enough for you?"

"It was...then I got my niece as a student." The man, Qrow, gave her a pointed look. "She could really use some advice from her mom, y'know."

"I once thought I needed the same from ours, but I turned out all right," Raven said firmly. Qrow snorted and rolled his eyes.

"That's debatable," he said. He crossed his arms. "So, you're still not interested in the slightest at trying a hand at being a mother?"

"After fourteen years-"

"She'll be fifteen next month," Qrow said suddenly. Raven glared at him for the interruption.

"I highly doubt she'd welcome me back with open arms," she said flatly.

"Tai could use a hand."

"He's got you, doesn't he?" Raven asked before she held her hand up. "Wait, no, in that case he would definitely need more help."

"Love you, too, Sis." Qrow deadpanned. He pulled out a silver flask and unscrewed the top. "So, I doubt you came all this way just to liven up my life with your charming personality."

"For once, brother dear, that's exactly why I came here," Raven said as soon as he started to drink. She smirked slightly when he choked and coughed, surprised by her words. "Only, I come with not only my 'charming' personality, but a little bit of advice: don't act all high and mighty when you've done the same thing that I have. If not worse."

"...Wh-What the heck is that supposed to mean?" Qrow asked, apprehensive to the vindictive smirk she had on her face.

"You might want to take a trip over to Mistral whenever you get a chance." Raven enjoyed the bewildered blink her brother gave her. It wasn't often she could pull a move like this on him, but he always made it just too funny. "I know my daughter's name, the least you could do is learn your son's."

"My...My what?" Qrow asked, a sinking feeling in his gut. Raven laughed softly and stood up. She started to walk towards the door, but stopped when she stood at his side and placed a hand on his shoulder.

"Worry not, Qrow. In a few days time, I'm sure if you haven't found him, he'll make a nice addition to the Clan." Raven gave her petrified brother's shoulder a squeeze before she resumed her leave. She stepped out of the door for all of three minutes before she popped her head back in and smiled at his back. "Oh, and congratulations. It's a boy."

Qrow finally let his flask fall out of his grip, numb to the world while his sister's words, and laughter, echoed in his head. He sat there for a good few hours, not drinking, just processing. He had a son. He had a son!

How old is he? What does he look like? Who is his mother? Why wasn't I contacted? How the hell did Raven find out before I did? These thoughts and others raced through Qrow's head countless times for over an hour. He leaned back in his seat and stared up at the ceiling. I'm way too sober for this shit.

"Henry!" Qrow called, garnering the barkeep's attention. He pointed at his table with one hand while he rubbed his face with the other. "I'm gonna need three doubles!"

Three hours and a consumption of alcohol that could possibly shut down a weaker being's liver later, Qrow shambled through the streets of Patch. He hiccupped and giggled to himself throughout his stroll, the thoughts of his conversation with his dear sister still on his mind. He was a father, he had to tell everyone, but only after he told someone that would be able to help him out.

It was with this thought in mind that Qrow stumbled into his brother-in-law's front door. He fell forward into the wood with all of his weight, easily bursting through the obstruction. He landed, however, flat on his face.

"I'm ba-ack!" Qrow's muffled cry earned a high pitch yip and several licks to the face. A red eye cracked open as the aged Huntsman gave a one-eyed glare to the corgi. "Lick me again, see what happens."

"He's just saying good morning, Qrow. Zwei, go check on the girls." A yawning blond man sent the dog off scampering towards the back of the house. He was tall, broad shouldered, a bit grizzled and clad in only his pajama bottoms. Through sleep-filled eyes, he stared down at Qrow's unmoving form. He blinked a few times and rubbed the scratchy five-o'clock shadow on his chin. "Wow. You're actually shitfaced drunk. I think I need a camera."

"Get bent over a barrel," Qrow said, glowering at the man's covered knees. With a grunt of effort, Qrow pushed himself up to his feet, stumbling back due to a lack of balance and catching himself on the doorway. The man laughed at his inability to stand upright. Qrow scowled. "Yeah, because you're so much better at walking after you get wasted."

"C'mon, you dusty old fool," the man said with another laugh as he pulled Qrow's arm over his shoulder. "The girls don't wake any earlier than seven, usually."

"Mm. Must be nice, having the wee hours all to yourself," Qrow said thoughtfully as he was guided to the kitchen. The blond man settled him into a chair and then began preparations to get coffee. Qrow slouched down in his seat and let out a few incoherent mutterings before he said anything worth value. "Raven stopped by."

"Please." The man snorted as he stared down at the coffee pot. "I figured as much. Why else would you get so drunk you could hardly stand straight? What she want this time? Give you another offer? Insult Ozpin?"

"Taiyang," Qrow said softly. The man, Taiyang, knew that the drunk hardly used his full name unless it was serious. So Qrow was a bit pleased to meet his friend's lilac gaze with his own crimson. "She told me...That I had a son."

"...With her?" Taiyang asked slowly, almost confused.

"No! What the hell, man?" Qrow glared at him. "Are you normally this stupid in the morning or am I just unlucky enough to catch you on a dumb day?"

"Hey, I wouldn't put it past Raven to decide that she needed to have a 'stronger offspring for the good of the clan'," Taiyang said with a poor impersonation of the woman. Qrow softened his gaze.

"She wouldn't do that, Tai. Maybe if you two hadn't hooked up when you did, but not after."

"And you think she's not lying to you?" Taiyang asked, crossing his arms over his chest. "Maybe she's just trying to throw you off your game. Make you sloppy so she can swoop in and snatch...Uh..."

"Amber," Qrow said. He nodded and rubbed his head. "I thought about that, but it's not her style. The strong live, and the weak die. Lying, in her eyes, is a ploy made by a weakling. You know that. I know that."

"Right...So why would she tell you about this kid of yours?" Taiyang wondered. He turned and grabbed the pot of coffee when the machine beeped. He poured himself and Qrow a mug before he joined the man at the table.

"Asked myself that a lot, too. Then, about fifteen minutes ago, it hit me." Qrow chuckled sardonically. "She was mad at me."

"...She told you about a kid you may or may not be the father of," Taiyang began, growing incredulous, "Because she was mad at you?"

"Raven's got a weird way of thinking. Strong live, yadda, yadda, whatever," Qrow said, waving the words away like he was swatting at flies. He took a sip of his coffee and sighed. "But, she's still my sister. We've got sibling squabbles, too. And I might've...may have been...throwing Yang in her face a lot."

"...Geez, Qrow, no wonder she told you about a kid," Taiyang said with a grimace. He stared down at his mug. "If our roles were reversed, I would've kicked your ass at least five different ways to Sunday by now."

"I know, but I wasn't doing it maliciously. I was just, trying to, y'know...help," Qrow said with a weak smile. Taiyang cocked a half-grin back at him.

"I know, Qrow. Thank you."

"Anyway," Qrow said. He swirled his coffee a bit and frowned. "She told me this supposed kid is over in Mistral...and that she's going to take him if I don't find him."

"...God, and you two are siblings," Taiyang said with a grimace. "I can only imagine how you'd be if you weren't blood."

"Oh, one of us would be dead in a ditch by now, no two ways about it." Qrow shrugged off the little fact. He narrowed his eyes at his mug and then looked at Taiyang. "When's the last time we were in Mistral? I mean, legit, in Mistral's walls?"

"All of us?" Taiyang asked. He sat back and thought about it for a moment. "A year or so before Yang was born, I think. Last time all four of us were there, at least. The Nevermore roost, remember? Then you and Summer went about, oh, I'd say a year after, to get some extra lien."

"Right...The Beowolf pack." Qrow frowned. He stared at the mug in his hands, his brows furrowed, before he looked back at Taiyang. "What do you think I should do?"

"Go find out if Raven was just messing with your head," Taiyang said without missing a beat. He reached over and put a hand on Qrow's shoulder. "We need you at your best, Qrow."

"Funny, most would want me at my worst," Qrow said with a snort. Taiyang rolled his eyes and retracted his hand.

"You know that Summer didn't believe that's your semblance, right?"

"We're not having this discussion again, Tai." Qrow cut in sharply. He sat back and drank from his mug. "In fact, I'm certain we agreed on it."

"Qrow...You could have a son out there. A son!" Taiyang beamed at his friend. "I could have a nephew! The girls might have a cousin! Think of the things you could teach him."

"Yeah, lesson one: Always use protection." Qrow smirked.

"Stop acting like being a father isn't something you've ever wanted." Taiyang snorted. He smiled fondly as he glanced toward the hall. "It's one of the most taxing jobs out there, sure, but it's also the most rewarding."

"Whatever you say, Tai." Qrow shook his head. He set his mug down and made to rise. "Well, if that's the case, I should get going, then."

"What? You just got here," Taiyang said. He frowned. "Not even going to say hello?"

"If Raven wasn't trying to mess with me, which I don't think she was, at least, not intentionally, then I should go now." Qrow sighed and rubbed his head. "Her words...Not a threat, but a promise. A way to accept the challenge I threw at her."

"...She'd raise your kid..." Taiyang looked crossed between hurt and outraged.

"As a member of the clan." Qrow finished with a frown. "I won't let any kid live like we did, Tai. Mine or not."

"...Fine, but I want you to do something for me." Taiyang stood up. He crossed his arms. "Take the girls."

"Excuse me?" Qrow asked flatly.

"Take. The. Girls." Taiyang repeated. Qrow opened his mouth to protest, but Taiyang held his hand up. "Hear me out, Qrow. If you just slink around and look for a visual confirmation, you'd be getting only half the satisfaction you want out of this. The gnawing need to know him would eat at you."

"Not if I drank it into submission," Qrow said firmly. "Plus, I'd be doing the kid a favor."

"Yeah, because not knowing her mother in the slightest has worked out so well for Yang," Taiyang said dryly. Qrow winced.

"...Dick move, Tai," he said. Taiyang shrugged.

"I do it out of love." The blond crossed his arms again. "Now, I'll get the girls ready, but you stick around and sleep. Knowing your luck, the mother of this child will either want you dead on the spot, or just barely give you the time of day. Might as well be presentable for her."

"If she didn't die in childbirth." Qrow added morbidly.

"Always the optimist," Taiyang said with a dark chuckle. "Go sleep on the couch, Qrow. I'll wake you up in a few hours so we can get the girls ready."

"Why are you so insistent that I take the girls?"

"Because A) It will at least show this kid or his mother that you do care about family," Taiyang said. "B) Yang and Ruby get to see a bit of Mistral and Yang can get more information on that school if she wants. And C) I'll get a few days peace of mind to catch up on my grading without having to worry about the girls trying to kill each other."

"Mostly, C, right?" Qrow asked with a smirk.

"Like I said, parenthood is taxing," Taiyang said with a shrug. "And with your kid over in Mistral, who knows what weird traits he picked up. Now get some sleep, you'll need the extra energy to keep an eye on the girls."

"Yeah, fine..." Qrow grumbled. He interlaced his hands behind his head and meandered over to the couch. "Whatever you say, dad."

Naruto's eventful meeting with his father and cousins came and went with a tale so long it may as well be its own story. After the brief adventure, he kept in contact as well as he could with his father, but was often more in contact with Ruby and Yang. The youngest of the two sisters would often include overly specific details of her day or week when she wrote her messages and the older would be frustratingly vague or obscenely humorous whenever her script arrived. Naruto would keep the healthy balance of communication flow they had, but often gave them only a single sentence in the form of a riddle.

"Wow, she really doesn't like your riddles, Naruto." The young heir, Menma, said to his half-brother one day he read a reply from Yang. Naruto smiled wryly at the boy.

"Indeed. And if you tell Mom, I will not go easy on you in our next spar. I'll have a keg on hand."

Needless to say, the young Menma quickly learned to keep his mouth shut.

Years passed, and with time, there came a lull in communication between the family. Naruto mentioned openly in one of his last messages to his cousins that he was going to be preparing for his enrollment to Mistral, much to their complaint. He managed to pass the written entry exam, showing that his alcohol consumption did little to hinder his mental capabilities.

It was during his initiation, however, that brought forth the most challenge. Not due to the task they had to complete, oh no. That was too easy: Go out into the Grimm infested wilds, find one of the twenty-six playing cards scattered throughout the area, and come back. However, there was a catch. For every low scoring individual, they were paired with someone who scored the opposite. Now, Naruto wasn't the worst scoring person in the exam, but he wasn't exactly in that top ten.

"Are we back at the school yet? This bog is going to ruin my boots." The scrawny redheaded teen that accompanied Naruto complained. Tight white jeans were tucked into brown boots, a red captain's coat hung loosely from one shoulder, a white T was intentionally partially tucked into his pants, and a grey scarf was tied around his neck. Scarlet's red hair was mostly shaved off, his bang covering one eye, while the other sported a light line under it.

His name was Scarlet David and he was a wannabe swashbuckler in Naruto's opinion.

"Oh, please spare me your complaints." Naruto groaned as he trekked carelessly through the marsh. He'd grown significantly taller since he'd first taken his father's name, now at Qrow's height, while also filling out to have a defined V-shape that most would love to have, either as their own body or to grab onto. The blond had also done away with the rest of his shirt's sleeves, finding that they would restrict his arms' movement due to the added bulk. "If anyone should be uncomfortable, it's me. I'm in a freakin' kilt for crying out loud. Do you know what long grass feels like when it's tickling the inside of your thigh?"

"No. ...Hey, come to think of it, why are you in a kilt?" Scarlet asked. Naruto looked over his shoulder, peering down at the shorter teen behind him.

"Choose your next words very carefully."

"What I mean is, uh, that it seems like an impractical, um, attire for a Huntsman," Scarlet said quickly.

"Yes, it would be so impractical, as all Huntresses dress in skin-tight pants or dominatrix-worthy leather, forgoing any and all dress-like clothes or loose accessories as they do," Naruto said with a snort. He opened his mouth to say something else, but stopped and his left hand grabbed onto Beli Mawr's hilt. Scarlet stopped behind him and Naruto held his right hand out to signal a need for quiet.

Blue eyes scanned the trees around them, and both teens drew their respective swords. Scarlet turned and covered the path they just traversed, his cutlass drawn held at half-arm's length from his body while his flintlock rested at his side in his hand. Naruto kept Beli Mawr in one hand, the large claymore held out horizontally with the width of the blade facing any would be opponent. A rustle in the trees caught their attention.

"Scarlet!" Naruto barked as he turned to face the trees, shifting the grip on his weapon to take it in both hands. Scarlet turned and fired a shot into the wood. The fired shot was followed by a yelp, a wet thud, and belly shaking laughs from another male. Not really expecting such a reaction, Scarlet and Naruto ventured towards the sound.

They found a golden haired monkey faunus hanging by his tail and laughing at the stuck form of his blue-haired teammate. Who was waist deep in the marsh, and foaming at the mouth.

"I didn't kill him, right?" Scarlet asked, a bit nervously. Naruto rolled his eyes as he sheathed Beli Mawr before he waded over to the half sunken blue-haired teen, and with one hand, yanked him out. The teen then instinctively clung to his arm, hanging like a scared child, as he snapped out of his foaming state.

"I kind of wish you did." Naruto deadpanned. He gently lowered his arm and the teen let out a high pitched shriek, making the Faunus howl with a new round of laughter, before he scurried up to jump from Naruto's shoulders onto a nearby tree branch. Scarlet and Naruto, who was rather peeved at being used like a ladder, shared a look.

"That's not normal," Scarlet said. He looked at the monkey Faunus and whistled sharply. The boy's laughter stopped as he cringed and clapped his hands over his ears.

"Ow, man, why'd you do that?"

"I had to get your attention somehow," Scarlet said dryly. He sheathed his cutlass and holstered his flintlock before he crossed his arms. He nodded at the trembling blue-haired boy's form. "What's his deal?"

"Him?" The monkey-tailed blond dug his pinky finger around in his ear. "Ah, he's fine. Just a little afraid of water."

"...That's being a little afraid?" Scarlet asked incredulously. Naruto snorted and reached into his pouch, pulling out the silver flask that bore his father's family crest. He drank down the liquid courage, put the flask away, and then grabbed the blue-haired boy by his head.

"Sleep." He grunted simply, forcing the goggle-wearing teen to face him. Naruto took a deep breath and then let out a mighty belch, a visible wave of odor firing right into the teen's face. The blue-haired teen was out like a light, allowing Naruto to pry him from the tree and sling him over his right shoulder.

"...Damn, dude! Talk about dragon's breath!" The faunus pinched his nose and waved his hand in front of his face. "You need a mint!"

"I'll get one when we get back to the school." Naruto sighed. He looked at the Faunus and arched a brow. "So, you get your card or should I dump this guy back in the water?"

"Nah, we got ours." The teenage faunus flashed a grin and pulled out the Jack of Spades. "Sun Wukong. Sleeping beauty there is Neptune Vera...Uh, Virile-Er...That's Neptune."

"Naruto Branwen," Naruto said simply. He gestured to Scarlet with his free hand. "My partner, Scarlet David."

"Pleased to make your acquaintance," Scarlet said with a short bow, getting a nod in return from Sun. He rubbed his chin while he pulled out the Jack of Diamonds they'd gotten. "Do you think we'll be sorted by suit color or by pair?"

"Guess we'll find out when we get back to the school." Naruto shrugged. He glanced at Sun curiously. "You got a weapon on hand?"

Sun laughed sheepishly. "I...Might've accidentally left it at the school."

"And you're still alive? Not bad, Sun Wukong. Not bad at all," Naruto said with an appraising nod.

"Thanks. So, hey, I gotta ask: Is it true?" Sun asked. He gestured at the choice of wear the other blond wore. "The whole thing about Huntsmen who wear kilts?"

"Could be." Naruto smirked slightly. "You wanna check?"

"Gonna pass on that offer, pal," Sun said with a laugh and a rub of the back of his head. "Maybe next time."

"Your loss." Naruto chuckled. The three boys and their unconscious plus one made their way back towards Mistral Academy, making small talk along the way.

"Team SSNN!" Three boys stood up sharply from their seats as their professor, Prof. Brown, addressed them. The twig of a man swiveled his bushy moustache with a frown on his face. He stabbed his umbrella sharply into the ground, causing the classroom to start at the action. "Mr. Vasilias, where is Mr. Wukong?"

"Uhh...Well, um, you see, sir-" Neptune began, trying for all he was worth to keep his façade of calm, cool and collected together while faced with their first challenge since Sun up and vanished on them the day before.

"He went for another walk." Naruto cut in. Neptune, Scarlet and Professor Brown looked at the kilted member of Team SSNN – whose current kilt was less flashy and monochromatic, in order to be worn with the rest of the boys' uniform. Naruto blinked and shrugged. "What? It's not the first time he took a walk."

"I'm beginning to doubt Professor Lionheart's decision to name him your team leader," Professor Brown said flatly. He hardened his beady eyes at the three. "You will find your leader before the day ends, boys, or you will suffer the most severe consequence any academic instructor such as myself can bestow upon a student."

"Suspension?" Scarlet asked hopefully.

"Expulsion."

"That's bad, right?" Naruto squinted his eyes. Scarlet and Neptune gave the towering blond matching looks of horror.

"...Mr. Branwen, are you intoxicated? Again?" Professor Brown asked incredulously.

"Of course not, Professor," Naruto said with a scowl. He crossed his arms and jutted out his bottom lip in a childish pout as he averted his eyes. "I'm not stupid enough to get wasted, but I might've had an early cup of brandy."

"Dude!" "How?!" Neptune and Scarlet both glared daggers at the larger teen. The latter pinched the bridge of his nose.

"I thought I confiscated your stash and flask last night!"

"Yeah, but, Sun gave it back so I wouldn't tell you guys that he snuck onto that cargo ship that was heading for Vale. Oh, for the love of the Brothers," Naruto clapped his hand over his eyes. He was oblivious to the roundabout look of shock that overtook the entire class, including the previously stern professor. "Now I owe him three barrels of fruit! Though, I never did find out what he planned to do with all those bananas I got him last-"

"Mr. Branwen!" Professor Brown had finally found his voice, and then some pitch. The class collectively cringed as the glass shattered from their professor's semblance, a vocal sort that amplified the impact of sounds he emitted orally. Naruto and his teammates winced, since they were the targets of the accidental attack. Professor Brown pointed at the door. Neptune and Scarlet made to sit back down, but a pointed look from those little brown eyes told them they weren't exempt from the trip they had to make.

"If we manage to find Sun first, I have dibs on killing him." Neptune growled. He grabbed at his hair and let out an anguished cry. "I told him! I told him not to do anything stupid for one week! One week! Then we'd all be heading over to Vale! Now we're going to get expelled! I'm never going to have a girlfriend or get a hunters' license, and worst of all! Worst of all! I'll have to go into the family business!"

"What is it? Being lifeguards at the local pool? A waterpark? Or, dare I suggest it, the beach?" Naruto asked flatly, smirking when Neptune rounded a glare on him.

"You think it's funny?! This is partially your fault!"

"How? If you guys just let me have my booze, I wouldn't be tempted so easily to let Sun get away with his antics," Naruto said. His smirk became a wide, face-splitting grin. "If you're going to blame anyone, blame yourselves for caring more about your image than our passion."

"I can't- You drank during class!" Neptune protested. He looked at who he presumed to be the only other rational member of their team. "Scarlet, help me out here!"

"I don't know...at most, all he would've gotten were individual detentions and while his grades aren't spectacular, Sun is still marginally better at paying attention in class than he is," Scarlet said thoughtfully.

"Thank you." Naruto nodded. Neptune's eyebrow twitched.

"You can't seriously be considering that he's right," the blue-haired boy said. He gestured at the whiskered blond. "He's got a problem!"

"It's only a problem when people get in my face or on my nerves."

"Which always happens whenever you drink!"

"That's not my fault. That's just a coincidence."

"Bull!"

"Yeah?" a passing student asked, his massive ten-gallon hat shading his eyes. Neptune waved him off.

"Not you, Bull. I was telling Naruto he was full of it again."

"Ah, alright." Bull resumed his leisure walk down the hallway and ducked around the corner. Naruto watched him go while rubbing his chin.

"Weird how he's always around whenever someone feels the need to call someone else out," he said thoughtfully.

"We can get into whether Naruto's alcoholism is a problem or not-"

"It's not!"

"Later," Scarlet said, ignoring the aforementioned blond's input. He brushed down his uniform and ran his hand through his hair as he nodded at the door they approached. "We're here."

The crest of a crowned heart was plastered on the wooden door. The three teenage boys all felt a bit uneasy as they approached their headmaster, intending to tell him the news of their leader's absence from the Kingdom. Lionheart was a kind, accommodating man, but he wasn't a pushover.

"...So, who wants to go in first? I nominate Scarlet." Neptune suggested. Naruto nodded.

"For once, I agree."

"Both of you just lost whatever shit you were previously full of," Scarlet said under his breath. He reached for the handle of the door, only for it to turn on its own and the wood door to be pulled open. The three boys blinked in surprise as a golden-eyed student stepped out of the headmaster's office with two other students flanking her. She blinked once and then smiled pleasantly at them, or to be specific, Naruto.

"Hello, Naruto." The raven-haired beauty smiled up at the tall blond and let her hands fall behind her. "What brings you to the headmaster's office? Did your team get into another ...dispute?"

"Nah, Sun's gone for a walk," Naruto said with a nonchalant shrug. "We have to ask Leon what to do. Oh, and, nice to see you again, Cinder."

"Oh, I see. Then perhaps it wouldn't be presumptuous to inquire as to whether you'd like to accompany us to the seating arrangements for the trip to Vale?" Cinder asked. Behind her, the silver haired Mercury rolled his eyes while the mint-haired Emerald glared daggers at the blue-eyed blond. Neptune mimicked the latter while Scarlet shook his head in bemusement.

"...Uh, not to sound like an idiot, but...what?" Naruto asked. Big words always threw him off. Especially when he was a bit inebriated. His mother was the same way in her youth, according to some of the guards or his stepfather, depending on who you asked.

"She wanted to know if you'd like to sit with us on the way over to Vale," Mercury said simply. He smirked lightly when he felt Emerald's glare shift to him. Ah, he loved riling her up.

"If we even go." Neptune cut in. He reached up and put a hand on Naruto's shoulder while a charming grin crossed his face, aimed at the two women. "But, for the sake of optimism, we'd love to sit with you, Cinder. And Emerald, I saw you there, you gem."

"I doubt the invitation was extended to you, Vasilias. You slime ball," Emerald said curtly. The blue haired boy moved to sulk in the corner, a raincloud of despair over his head.

"So...Mean..."

"As much as we'd love to continue conversing with you, Cinder, we do have to speak with the headmaster urgently," Scarlet said swiftly. He grabbed the depressed Neptune by his collar and pushed the bewildered Naruto towards the door. "Perhaps we'll discuss more after we speak with the professor."

"Of course. See you later, Naruto," Cinder said with an inflection on the name that made the boy furrow his brows in confusion. The door shut behind the three boys and her sweet smile remained, while her eyes lingered on a lower part of the door.

"...So, you did have a reason to choose Mistral as our 'school' instead of Shade," Mercury said with a smirk. He grunted when Emerald sharply jabbed her elbow into his side. "What? What'd I say?"

"You're being an idiot. Shade's headmaster is not as easy to manipulate as Lionheart is. The man is as gullible as Ozpin, but lacks the backbone that can keep General Ironwood in line," Emerald said sharply.

"Right. Nothing to do with the fact that Cinder's crush is-urk!" Mercury began to choke as Cinder wrapped her hand around his throat.

"Emerald's astute evaluation was on point. While there are some perks to being in our homeland's school, including the presence of a previous associate, it is mostly out of convenience and ease that we chose Mistral. Do not assume anything more. Am I clear, Mercury?" Cinder asked him, her eyes ablaze with anger.

"C-Crystal...Cinder..." Mercury said around his gasps.

"Good." Cinder released her teammate and let him fall. "Then let's go. We have to prepare the seating chart and adjust some evaluations."

Mercury rubbed his throat while Emerald smirked at him.

"Sup, losers!"

Scarlet and Naruto looked up as Sun approached them with a very displeased Neptune in tow, the latter covered from head to toe in a purple fluid. Naruto lowered his flask from his mouth and pulled it out at arms length to eye it warily. He looked at Scarlet sharply.

"You didn't spike my drink, did you?"

"I can't spike alcohol with more alcohol, Naruto." Scarlet sighed. He looked at Neptune again. "Do I want to know-?"

"No." Neptune shot down firmly. "No, you do not."

"Neptune got drenched by some Everyone Loves Grape that was thrown in a food fight," Sun said simply. Naruto snorted while Scarlet gave the glowering blue-haired teen a sympathetic look. He carefully grabbed Neptune's arm and led him towards the dorm to clean up and change.

In their haste, they left Naruto and Sun alone.

A mistake they made often.

"So, what'd you do on your walk?" Naruto asked, his arms crossed while he leaned against the building he and Scarlet were near when their teammates caught up to them. The two were looking for Sun on the other side of Beacon's campus, near the guest dorms, while Neptune checked over by the lunch hall, being a bit hungry from the flight.

Sun scrunched his nose and leaned back. "Geez, I thought Scarlet took your booze from you?"

"After you managed to bribe me with it, he and Neptune decided that my bad breath wasn't worth getting expelled over." Naruto cracked a small smirk when Sun tensed and his eyes shot open. "Yeah, didn't think that through, did you?"

"...You guys were going to get expelled?" Sun asked softly.

"Maybe. Personally, wouldn't matter to me. I'd still go out and kill Grimm. Might have to take my aunt up on her offer, though. That or go into the nobleman guard," Naruto said. Both he and Sun shuddered at the latter, considering that was a job for people who had fighting skills, but didn't want to risk going up against Grimm. Not to mention they'd be at the whim and ordered around by prissy nobles all the time.

"That said," Naruto continued once he overcame his worries with another chug of his liquid courage, he nodded at the direction Neptune and Scarlet disappeared to. "Might want to apologize profusely to them. Neptune damn near had an aneurysm and Scarlet ...well, he kept it together. Still isn't happy though."

"I'll talk to them." Sun nodded. He gave a beaming grin to his fellow blond. "Wanna meet the girls I met when I got here?"

"You certainly work fast." Naruto deadpanned with a snort. He took a sip from his flask and then nodded. "Sure, I could use something else to hold over Nerdy Neptune."

"Ha! Nerdy Neptune, I'll have to keep that in mind," Sun said with a snigger. "C'mon, they're probably relaxing somewhere ridiculous."

"I like these girls already."

It took them an hour, but their search proved fruitful and led them to Beacon's Library. Naruto continued to follow Sun towards a group of loud individuals, all while looking around and drinking from his flask. With each sip, his eyes took on another shade of red and the flush on his face slowly became darker. Had Scarlet or Neptune been there, they would be panicking.

But is that really anything new? Naruto wondered with a smirk. His musing was rudely interrupted by a loud squeal, and a sudden weight slamming into his form. Naruto fell to the floor and briefly admired the silver stars that danced in front of his eyes.

"Naruto! You're here! How've you been?! Did you transfer to Beacon!? Can you join our team?! How do you know Sun? Did you know he uses a gun-chuck staff?!"

"...Ruby, I think you broke my spine." Naruto mumbled to his excitable little cousin that was clinging to him in a tight hug. He blinked the stars out of his eyes and looked at the younger girl that was in his face. Then, with a grunt, Naruto grabbed the younger girl by her face and pushed her off. She landed with a grunt of her own on her rump while Naruto got to his feet and dusted off his Hunting Plaid, which was the same attire he wore when his team performed in combat.

"So...You know Ruby, cool. That's her sister-" Sun began, only for the buxom blond to cut him off with a snort.

"Really? Pink hearts, Naruto?" Yang teased. Naruto smirked at her.

"Wrong. Nice to see you to, Yang." He patted himself down and pulled out his flask. After a sip, he noticed the confusion on Sun's face and elaborated. "Cousins, dad's side."

"Ohh. Got it." Sun nodded. He then gestured at the bewildered black themed beauty. "This is Blake. She's-"

"This is Blake? Sun, you cheeky monkey," Naruto said with a roguish grin. He walked over and punched Sun in the shoulder, knocking him clear over the table. "You didn't say she was so Brothers-blessedly beautiful. Neptune's going to flip his shit!"

Sun recovered mid air and laughed weakly while he rolled his shoulder while the rest of the gathered group eyed the strange blond. Coughing into his fist as he caught the light blush that crossed the other Faunus' cheeks, Sun then nodded at the last member of the all-girl team.

"And that's Weiss."

"Ah, the Ice Queen." Naruto nodded. Weiss scowled.

"Why does everyone keep saying that?" she asked. She tilted her head. "And are you in a dress?"

"...Well, Ice Queen, though our time together was brief, it was ...alright knowing you," Sun said. He then jumped up to the top of the library's bookshelf.

"Ooh, Weiss...I thought you weren't going to insult people!" Ruby complained. Weiss gave her a mild irritated look.

"I was just asking a question."

"A dress?" Naruto repeated flatly, his eyes overshadowed by his scraggly blond locks. The flask in his hand let out a creak of protest while his knuckles whitened. "Am I...in a dress?"

"Uh-oh," Yang said with a grimace as she slowly sunk down to hide under the table. "You pushed the 'Dress' button. Ya shouldn't 'a did that."

"What's a dress button?" Blake asked, barely paying attention because her mind was racing in thought over so many things. That and she was still reeling from the indirect compliment Sun gave her when he didn't refute or add onto his teammate's comment.

"You know how you don't touch Yang's hair?" Ruby asked from where she was hiding behind the sleeping Nora. "That's the 'Hair' button."

"...A little warning would've been nice!" Weiss hissed. She turned to apologize, only to freeze under the small glowing red orbs that peered out from the shadowed face.

"For the last goddamned time...I'm not a cross dresser..." Naruto growled as his right hand balled into a tight fist. His arm shot out and socked a passing silver-haired student in the jaw. "I'm wearing a kilt, dammit!"

"...Wow, Mercury is always in the wrong place at the right time," Sun said thoughtfully while he stared at the boy that was knocked clear through the nearest bookshelf and then through the library wall. He tapped his chin. "Must be Karma for something he did in a past life."

Naruto blinked a few times and looked around, confused. "Eh, why's everyone shivering? Is it cold or something?"

"Nah, buddy, someone pressed your button in the wrong way." Sun waved off the malicious aura that lingered slightly in the air. He jumped down and hastily began pushing Naruto towards the exit. "Well, nice seeing you all again, don't be afraid to hit us up if you wanna chill! C'mon, Naruto, before we get busted for the wall."

"Uh, yeah? Sure? Talk to you later, Ruby! Yang! Nice meeting you, Blake! Hope you chill out, Ice Queen!" Naruto called over his shoulder as he let his leader push him out of the library doors.

"...Wow, you dodged a literal bullet, Weiss." Yang whistled as she rose up from her hiding place beneath the table. She looked at the hole the Mercury guy made. "Sucks for that guy, though. Talk about getting knocked up."

"Yang...Just no." Blake groaned into her hand. She blinked and looked up. "Wait, was he in a kilt?"

"Yeah, Naruto was raised by his mom and their family's Huntsmen always wore kilts." Ruby nodded. She pouted slightly as she sat back down at their table. "And use awesome swords that I'm not allowed to touch."

"...Is it true what they say about...?" Blake cut herself off as her cheeks flushed. Team JNPR (especially a bleary and awoken Nora), Ruby and Weiss stared at her in confusion. Yang, however, gained a big smirk.

"Huntsmen who wear kilts? Or rather, what they wear underneath?" she asked. Blake's blush darkened and Pyrrha's face suddenly lit up like a flame. Ren coughed into his fist and looked away while Nora blinked a few times and then giggled madly. Jaune, Ruby, and Weiss were all in the same boat: lost.

"What do Huntsmen who wear kilts wear underneath?" Jaune asked bravely. Pyrrha elbowed him sharply in the side, and when he turned to look at her, he found himself under dark stares from both Ren and Pyrrha.

"I heard that it was socks, shoes and two shades of lipstick," Nora said with a cackle following. Ren looked at her in horror while Weiss's face resembled both Blake and Pyrrha's. Yang let out a bellyaching laugh and fell out of her seat.

"Nora!" Ren chided sternly.

"What? That's just what I heard, Ren!"

"Two shades of...?" Jaune frowned and rubbed his head. "I don't get it."

"Naruto's not a cross dresser, Nora," Ruby said with a frown as she misinterpreted the would-be innuendo. "He said so himself."

"Ruby, I love you, but man... you are innocent." Yang chuckled out while she wiped a tear away from her eye. She looked at her partner. "And to answer your question, you'd have to ask Naruto."

"...I'm not asking your cousin if he wears underwear!" Blake hissed.

"Then ask Sun, he's apparently Naruto's teammate." Yang shrugged. "I'm sure he knows."

Blake's blush turned nuclear and she fell forward, her face slamming into the table, unconscious at wherever her thoughts took her. Yang stared at her for a moment before her laughter began anew. Weiss and Pyrrha were both simply blushing as they pondered over what made Blake pass out.

Nora snorted.

"I highly doubt someone who acts up over being accused of being a cross dresser would be gay. Unless..." Nora gasped. "He's still in the closet and doesn't know how to come out!"

A beat passed.

Pyrrha and Weiss joined Blake in blissful unconsciousness.

"I suddenly feel the need to do immense harm on another person," Naruto said with pursed lips. Sun took a wide step to the side. The kilted huntsman rolled his eyes. "Not you."

"Never hurts to be careful." Sun countered. He closed his eyes and raised his index finger. "Safety first."

"Says the hypocrite." Naruto snorted. He popped open his flask and drank down the contents. He wiped off the residue spill with back of his hand and put his flask away. They walked in relative silence for a moment before Naruto snapped his fingers. "Hey, wasn't that hot redhead Pyrrha Nikos?"

"...Huh, yeah, I guess it was. She's quieter than I'd expected her to be." Sun mused.

"A lot hotter, too. Did you see how low that brassiere was?" Naruto grinned lewdly. "And she was slumped over."

"You're impossible," Sun said with a snort.

"Says the exhibitionist."

"Hey, it's not my fault my body runs at a higher degree than yours."

"You're right. The fact you like being the center of attention is just a bonus."

"And you don't?"

"Touché!"

(AN: The True Huntsman is to the tune of and inspired by Brian Bowers' "The Scotsman")

"Naruto. Naruto!" The blond jerked awake at the sharp nudge to his shoulder. He was partially hammered, mostly to kill the hangover he had from drinking his liver to death the night before with the fourth years of Beacon. The fools thought a freshman such as he couldn't hold his liquor, well he showed them what for!

Ugh, this room is too bright, Naruto thought as he squinted his red eyes and surveyed the room. The hall was where the students of Beacon, Shade, Mistral and Atlas currently stood in, awaiting the Amazing Professor Ozpin for some speech or whatever. Naruto would've preferred the man just send them a memo in an email. He could ignore it and let Sun give him the basic run down.

As it was, however, he had to get dressed in his school uniform. Sun looked just as thrilled as he was, the Faunus having his school shirt untucked and his tie loose. Poor guy really did run at an obscenely higher temperature than most. On Sun's other side were the spotless and dapper forms of Neptune and Scarlet, both in a heated debate over who the hottest girl in the room was and which of them got to make 'first contact'.

Idiots. Naruto reached into his blazer and pulled his flask out for another sip. He was nudged again from behind and he turned to glower at the one that nearly caused him to spit out his drink.

"What do you want, Lance?" Naruto asked the brown-haired, normally blue-themed sharpshooter. The shorthaired freshman grinned and nodded at the stage.

"Ten bottles of Frisky's says you can't get the stiffs from Atlas to applaud you for another 'Huntsman' show."

Ah, the 'Huntsman' bet, something Naruto usually indulged in to liven up a dead scene back in Mistral. Lionheart found the bit amusing and normally invited a few of the other lively students to perform the song after or before an assembly to keep his student body entertained. Since only first and second years could come to Beacon this year, Naruto was one of three people who would perform, and even then, he was the only one that'd be willing to be so bold.

Mostly because he's the only one that was inebriated.

"Make it fifteen and you're on," Naruto said in a voice that was louder than a whisper. His comment got more of his class, and his teammates, to look his way. With another swig from his flask, Naruto tucked it away and cleared his throat. He began a clap that Lance soon followed, the beat rippled through the gathered Mistral students and they all clapped in time while Naruto stepped into the aisle and walked down towards the raised platform where the professor would speak from.

"Oh, no..." Neptune paled while Scarlet buried his face in his hands. Sun laughed and stuck his fingers in his mouth, a loud whistle following the impressive leap from staircase to stage.

"Well," Naruto started, holding a tune that sounded almost causal, but filled with mirth. "A Huntsman clad in kilt left a bar one evening fair. One could tell by how he walked that he drunk more than his share."

There were some hoots and cheers from Mistral. Naruto chuckled and continued with the first verse, stumbling slightly as he walked across the stage to look at the other three schools' students.

"He fumbled 'round 'til he could no longer keep his feet, then he stumbled off to the grass to sleep aside the street," Naruto began to clap again and grinned when his classmates joined him on the nonsensical chorus.

"Ring-ding diddle-diddle hi-di-ho, ring-ding diddly-hi-ho! He stumbled off to the grass to sleep aside the street!"

Naruto took a moment to point at a group of good-looking girls all gathered in the Shade section.

"About that time, a few young 'n lovely girls just happened by, and one says to the other with a twinkle in her eye: 'See yon sleeping Huntsman, so strong and handsome built,' " Naruto took a moment to playfully flex before he leaned over towards the Atlesian students. "'I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt?'"

At the last bit, Naruto gestured to his own kilt, and Shade's students joined swiftly with Mistral's in a loud gathering of hoots, cheers and hollers. A few brave souls joined the Mistral class as they belted out the chorus.

"Ring-ding diddle-diddle hi-di-ho, ring-ding diddly-hi-ho! I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt."

"They crept up on that sleeping Huntsman quiet as could be," Naruto sang, a single finger pressed lightly over his lips and his other hand gestured to the captivated audience to quiet down. He then grabbed the side of his kilt and raised it up one leg slightly, just enough to expose his knee, which caused someone (Naruto bet it was Sun trying to be funny) to let out a loud catcall whistle.

"They lifted up his kilt 'bout an inch so they could see," he sang, letting his kilt fall back down. He gestured grandiosely. "And there, behold, for them to view beneath this Hunter's skirt, 'twas nothing more than the Brothers graced him with upon his birth."

That made the whole class of Shade and Mistral alike cheer, hoot, whistle or laugh. A few scattered cheers were heard from Beacon's bunch and fewer still from Atlas'. The last looked greatly appalled or flustered, which made Naruto nearly lose his composure, but he held strong, no more than a grand grin on his face as he sang the chorus with his classmates.

"Ring-ding diddle-diddle hi-di-ho, ring-ding diddly-hi-ho! 'Twas nothing more than the Brothers graced him with upon his birth!"

As the room quieted again for the next verse, Naruto took another swig from his flask before he quickly tucked it away.

"They marveled for a moment then one said: 'We best be gone. Let's leave a present for our friend before we move along!' They took a blue silk ribbon and tied it in a bow," Naruto looked over at his cousins' teammate that his team leader currently had eyes for and snickered at the large bow atop her head. He shook the humor away as he finished the verse. "Around the 'bonnie star' the Hunter's kilt did lift and show."

"Ring-ding diddle-diddle hi-di-ho, ring-ding diddly-hi-ho! Around the 'bonnie star' the Hunter's kilt did lift and show."

Naruto noticed that a few white shoes in Atlas' rows were tapping lightly in time with the claps. He smirked. The last line will break them for sure, and then he'll be enjoying fifteen bottles of Frisky's this week. Score. The gathered students quieted again as Naruto finished the song.

"Now, the Huntsman woke to nature's call and stumbled towards the trees. Behind a bush, he lifts his kilt and gawks at what he sees. And in a startled voice, he says, to what's before his eyes..." Naruto paused here and then put his hands proudly on his hips. "O lad, I don't know where you've been, but I see you won first prize!"

As expected, cheers roared from around the room, including the by-the-books students of Atlas. No one was immune to the last line of the 'True Huntsman'. No one. So it was with a merry smile that Naruto joined the room for the last chorus.

"Ring-ding diddle-diddle hi-di-ho, ring-ding diddly-hi-ho! O lad, I don't know where you've been but I see you won first prize!"

The room was filled with cheers and applause, to which Naruto bowed and then held his hands to his classmates, who applauded louder and faster: save for the two embarrassed members of his team. Sun whistled and cheered for one second before he paled. The room quieted swiftly, drawing a confused frown to Naruto's face.

"Oh, c'mon, that sounded like legit applause for a second! I'm not that bad a singer, am I?" he asked.

"Oh no." A stern woman's voice made Naruto tense. He slowly turned to meet the eyes of Beacon's resident disciplinary professor. She even had a riding crop firmly in her hand while she adjusted her glasses. "Mister...Branwen? Your vocal talents are...impressive. However...this is a very important assembly. Your actions are reprehensive, rude and...Are you ...Are you drunk?"

"...If I say yes, can I go back to my team?" Naruto asked quietly. He found himself victim to a sudden and sharp amount of pain in his left ear before he was pulled along towards the doors of the hall. The enraged disciplinary professor began to grumble and curse under her breath over a 'second coming of Qrow'.

So, he had his father to thank for this pain? Good to know.

I really should've taken Aunt Raven up on her offer. Being a sperm-donating baby-daddy wouldn't be so bad...right? Naruto thought as he winced at the abuse given to his ear. Oh well, at least it can't get any worse than this. He's still eligible for the Vytal Festival, since that was Professor Lionheart's call and not Ozpin's or any other Beacon professor. Though, why was General Ironwood here if Professor Lionheart said he didn't need to be? Also, what kind of semblance does this lady have, because my ear feels like it's going to be ripped off!

It was just another day in the life of a drunken bastard.

AN: So this is a one-shot. May be continued. May not be continued. Idk, just something fun I thought up after the slow progression of Vol. 4.

Oh well, here's hoping that vol. 5 isn't as bad!

REDRUNKIFIED!