Chapter 6: Sin of G.U.I.L.T.

Once N calmed down from his panic attack, he sat back down with Blanc and Noire. Meanwhile, Rom and Ram were teaching Uni how to hold IF, N's baby girl. The girls cooed over the child while IF mirrored the mouth movements they made- without the sound. Noire and Blanc watched their little sisters,

Re-unwrapping his trembling sandwich, N's hands attempted to bring the item up to his face- only for marinara sauce to constantly smear his face.

"Hey," N flinched. A small, but firm hand planted itself on his shoulder. N's shrunken pupils slowly traced the hand's arm back to see ruby red orbs staring into his own lavender ones. "I thought you already had your panic attack?" Noire let of the young parent.

"I… uh…" N finally bit into his sandwich, stuffing his face. "Iv vebba-" Noire thrusted her palm forwards while recoiling back.

"I can wait." N nodded, biting into his sandwich again. "Hey, don't take longer!"

Chuckling in between chewing, N held back a sigh.

"I really should get outta here…" N glanced back to the younger girls. IF was now reaching for Uni's hair, giggling as it bounced out of her grasp. "If Noire or Uni find out who I am…" N's sandwich squeezed out some of its sauce.

The image of a lavender haired girl smiling flashed through N's eyes.

"Nepgear…" A meatball popped out of the sandwich, landing onto the picnic blanket. "I… can't face her yet..." N tore into his sandwich, ripping the last half into shreds and stuffing it into his mouth.

Blanc, still reading her book, reached into N's plastic bag and pulled out the chip bag she slightly crushed earlier. Keeping her eyes trained on N, she ripped open the bag so that the bag lay uncovered while its innards sat bare to the world. Grabbing a chip, Blanc flipped through a page and tossed the chip into her mouth.

"Oh hey, you're finally done eating." Noire said. N forced a grin.

"Yeah…" Noire relaxed a bit, letting her black twintails spill onto the blanket. "Thanks for waiting, Lady Noire." The girl failed to hide a smirk.

"Well, don't think I'll wait again-" N glanced to the side.

"She probably will."

"Anyways, how did you become friends with Blanc?" N bit the inside of his tongue. "Since you live here in Planeptune- well, what's left of it- and Lowee's all the way on the other side of the world."

"Shit! I have to make up a-"

"He was born in Lowee." Noire turned to Blanc, who was popping another chip into her mouth. "He was once a part of the Loweean National Guard- the LNG." In between chews, Blanc flipped through a page, using a finger that wasn't covered in chip

dust. "I realized he was a talented individual and took him in- trained him for a couple years." Noire raised an eyebrow.

"Really?" She turned to N to see him nodding quickly. "Uh… You should probably move over here." Noire patted the spot next to her, underneath the shade of a tree. "You're sweating like crazy over there."

N forcibly coughed up a chuckle.

"Y-Yeah, you know…. Lowee. And how cold it is over there… and it's warm. Here. Not there." N stuffed his mouth with his sandwich. "Thanks, Blanc! I just gotta roll with the setting she gave and throw Noire off the trail…"

Noire blinked.

"So are you gonna move out of the sun, or what?" N blinked. IF, sitting from Uni's lap and staring at her father, blinked too.

"O-oh! ...Yeah." N scooted over to Noire, but moved past her and next to Blanc. Noire's eyebrow rose.

"Hey! I thought you were gonna sit here!" N turned his eyes away.

"W-Well, I kinda just met you so…" Noire crossed her arms, furrowing her eyebrows. N shrugged slightly and scratched the back of his head. "...is kinda awkward. Sorry." Noire huffed.

"I don't understand how you can be comfortable with Blanc…" Blanc popped another chip into her mouth. A small grin appeared on the small brunette's face.

"Obviously, you're trying too hard to find a new Guild Agent." Noire's face turned a light red.

"I am not!" Noire turned away and crossed her arms. "I'm just trying to be friendly!" N smiled.

"I really like to talk to Noire again, I don't want to be found out so soon." He turned to Blanc, giving him a small nod as thanks. "I'm relieved that my death didn't affect Noire too much." N leaned back and continued devouring his sandwich. "Being a loner like her, I'd thought she'd take it harder." The young man shrugged. "I guess being the Goddess of Lastation will do that… No, I bet it's just Noire being Noire."

Popping the last of his sandwich into his mouth, N heard a small whine and reached into his backpack. Pulling out a bottle, N stood up and walked over to where the twins and Uni were.

IF was squirming in Uni's lap, causing confusion between the three girls.

"What's going on with her?" Rom and Ram crawled up close to IF.

"What's wrong, Iffy?" N patted Rom on the head.

"Scuse me girls." N knelt in front of Uni and IF. "Iffy's just hungry." He held out his hands towards Uni. "Can I have her back?"

Uni quickly looked back at IF and her father

"U-Uh, sure! Yeah, go for it." N gently lifted IF out of Uni's lap, cradling her in one arm. Uncapping the bottle, N held it towards her. IF immediately grabbed onto the bottle, wrapped her mouth around the rubber nipple and started sucking.

The twins stared at the man in awe.

"Mister N, how did you know little Iffy was hungry?" N chuckled, keeping the bottle still.

"Babies do have a language of their own, ya know?" N lessened his grip on the bottle, letting IF tug at it. "You just gotta learn it." As the twins continued to awe at N and coo at IF, Uni pushed herself away and moved to where Blanc and her sister were.

"Noire, who is that guy?" Noire turned to her little sister, and shrugged.

"A connection, I guess-"

"Friend that lives here. I trained him myself when he lived in Lowee." The two Lastation sisters turned to Blanc.

"Huh…" Uni looked back to see N saying fake words at IF, causing the child to giggle through her bottle. With each giggle, Rom and Ram melted for N's baby more and more. "You know, he kinda looks like Neptune."

Blanc crushed the chip in her hand.

"I mean, yeah- but a lot of people in Planeptune cosplay as Neptune. N's probably no different." Uni put a fist under her chin, grunting. "I bet his hair wasn't originally that color, right Blanc?" Noire turned to her CPU companion. Blanc tossed the crushed chip away and wiped her hands. Covering her mouth with her book, Blanc sighed and glared at N.

"It was… black." Blanc knew that she needed to talk with N later- probably punch him while she's at it. Noire stared at N while he began shifting IF over his shoulder and patting her on the back.

"Huh, now that I do look at him. N does look like a guy-version of Neptune." Blanc felt a vein pulsing in her head. "He's a little awkward, but he acts almost like her too…" Noire made a sad face. "I guess that's why I was trying so hard to be friendly…" Blanc gritted her teeth.

"...you were gonna go into hiding, change more than your damn gender…" Uni and Noire turned to Blanc.

"What?" Blanc scoffed at Noire.

"Your disguise, it sucks." Noire frowned.

"What!? I worked hard on that disguise!" Blanc rolled her eyes.

"Yeah, if looking like yourself as a dumb blonde will change anything. You stuck out like a sore thumb when I first saw you." Noire's cheeks turned red.

"At least, I tried to disguise myself!" Uni looked between her sister and Blanc, holding a hand out and meekly calling out to them.

"H-hey…"

"Unlike you, I'm not insecure of my own image." Noire's eye twitched.

"Well, I guess you'd have to be with- oh nevermind." Blanc glared as Noire turned away, a snakey smile on her face.

"I'll kill you." Grinning, Noire held up her arms in an X and backed up slowly.

Uni watched as Blanc stood up and rushed Noire.

"Did… my sister actually just pull a Vert?" The CPU Candidate of Lastation pulled away from the CPUs' antics and returned to the other group.

N was lying on the ground while IF sat on his stomach, rising and falling with each breath. IF was looking around her, stopping once Uni got closer.

"What happened?" Ram was munching through her food while Rom nibbled and played with IF's hair.

"Well, our sisters are doing what they normally do?" Rom peeped in.

"Fight?"

"Yeah, that. So I'm just gonna sit here for a while." The twins nodded. The three girls watched N relaxing while IF balled up in his lap.

"Um, Mister N?" N turned towards the questioning Rom. "Where's the baby's mommy?" The young man shook his head.

"Well, are you asking about the lady I'm married to?" The small girl nodded, her blue hat sliding off her head.

"To be honest, I didn't marry anyone." N could see the question marks bouncing on their heads. "You girls have probably heard of adoption right?" They nodded. "Well, a year or so ago, I was heading back from a mission when I heard some people in trouble." N stroked IF's head, his lips wavering. "I found little Iffy and her real mommy in trouble against some bandits." The young man remembered the woman's words, his smile falling down. "I saved Iffy, but…" N turned away, staring towards the trees. "...I couldn't save Iffy's mom." N continued to stroke his daughter's sleeping head. "The least I could do was honor her dying wishings and adopt Iffy…"

The twins' eyes widened while Uni's mouth opened a little bit. The Lastation CPU Candidate ran her head through her black hair.

"Uh,... I… didn't think that… I'm so sorry." N shook his head, muffling a sad chuckle.

"Don't worry about it, you girls couldn't have done anything-" N paused, letting out a thoughtful hum. "Maybe- No wait, you girls totally coulda saved her." N shrugged. "No use thinking about it now." N turned back to the girls, smiling. "Everything will be alright no-"

N was now facing two tearful tiny twins.

"U-uh, girls?" Rom and Ram latched onto N, staining his clothes with their tears. "H-Hey!"

"I'm sorry, Mister N!" Rom clutched onto N's back while Ram entangled herself around N's neck.

"Yeah! Don't worry, we're gonna stick to you forever!" Rom nodded, rubbing her head into the small of N's back.

"U-Uh huh! That way, you don't have to worry about not being able to save people!" N tried to pry the twins off of him.

"Rom, Ram!? It's okay! It was just a one-off thing! I've been moved to a desk job so I won't be on the field anym-" N realized that he couldn't budge either of the girls' fingers. "How are you two so strong now!?"

"Wh-Wh-When you left Lowee, we started doing the strength training stuff you did!" Ram sniffled into N's neck.

"Y-Yeah! We were doing so good at it that Blanc joined us! We even went to a thing called 'Advanced Course'." N's eyes widened.

"I could only do the tutorial stuff!?" N leaned forward and struggled to pry the twins off again. "You guys are ridiculously strong now!" N heard Ram giggle with pride.

"We're super strong now, surprised?"

"Obviously! Now let go!" Uni finally stood up and peeled the twins off of him. N gasped for the air he didn't realize he needed. He rubbed his neck and looked down at IF. She was still sleeping. "I'm glad you girls are strong now, but you know moderation is a word for a reason!"

The twins giggled, while Uni sighed- exasperated.

"You know- uh, N right?" N nodded. The twin-tailed girl put a hand on each of the twins. "I'm Uni, by the way, but these two can be such a pain in the neck sometimes." Ram pouted at the older girl.

"Hey, I'm not the one who barges into Nepgear's life every minute!" N's eyes widened and darted back and forth.

"Wha- I'm not doing that because I want to or anything! She needs the support to-" As the two began to argue, N tuned them out searching for any sign of lavender hair.

"Wait, that's right!? If Noire and Blanc are here, then Vert is bound to be here! This is her territory after all! There's no way the goddesses of two other countries are in a third's land, just have a picnic!" Sweat started to bead on N's face, back, and other parts of his body. "A-A-A-And if Vert's going to be here! Then Nepgear is sure to come!" N slammed his head into the crown of his head, while his fingernails dug into his scalp. "Aw dammit, Nepgear's going to notice me immediately!"

"U-uh, girls I think I should get going now…" N scooped up IF as gently as he possibly could. "Gotta get home before the boss calls me and tosses more work at me!

Busy single working dad stuff and all. Haha!" N waved at the arguing goddesses and quickly pulled away from the two sad twins. "Sorry Lady Blanc and Lady Noire, I think I should get home before something bad happens." N flinched when he saw Blanc's glare turn to him, but that glare quickly vanished into a stoic nod. N bowed to the girls in front of him. "Thanks for playing with my little Iffy for a bit, girls. I'll make it up to you someda-"

"Neptune?" N's blood froze as something gripped his heart. N knew that voice. Neptune knew that voice too well. She heard it so often back then. And yet, he didn't want to hear it now. "I-Is that really you?"

"Oh my, sorry that we're late everyone." Another calmer voice came from behind him. "Oh?"

A firm but strong hand grasped N's shoulder, twirling the young man around. Once he was stopped, he was staring into lavender-colored eyes. The same color as his eyes. The girl now in front of him gripped onto both shoulders, grounding N in place.

The pair of lavender eyes staring at N began to tear up.

N glanced away.

"She looks exactly the same…"

Her long lavender hair still reached her back, while N had trimmed his down to keep IF from pulling on it so much. She still wore that white and purple shirtdress while N now wore various colors of t-shirts and polo shirts depending on if he was going out or not.

However, there were some differences.

Her eyes now had dark circles while her lavender pupils clashed with the red veins surrounding them. Tears were now beginning to pour out of these eyes.

N had to step back. A little bit because IF was getting squished between the two of them. Mostly because of who was in front of him. However, aside from that step, N

"Neptune?!" Nepgear kept her death grip firmly on N. He could feel either shoulders beginning to crack or dislocate. Probably both considering how strong Rom and Ram were, then Nepgear's bound to be much stronger than either. "I-It really is you, isn't it!?" Nepgear's mouth shattered into a wavy smile, her arms and N trembling.

"Nepgear?!" Uni stood rushing over to the two. "Nepgear, stop!" Uni grabbed onto Nepgear's arm, shaking her head. "He's not Neptune!"

"NO!" Nepgear shook her head violently, causing her tears to fly around her. N's feet slipped off the ground for a second before planting them into the grass. "Neptune! It's Neptune, Uni!"

"I knew it…" Neptune could feel her limbs turn to stone. "Nepgear knows."

"Neptune, I'm s-!" N's vision began to blur. "I should have kn-"[1]

"Now that I think about it… Hanging out with Blanc would've obviously led to this… It's not like she's been egging me on to talk to Nepgear…"

"Nep-"

"But… I can't do this…"

"Neptu-"

"I can't talk to Nepgear yet… I-I haven't grown…"

"Nepgear stop! N's holdin-" Noire and Blanc rushed over to N's side.

"I can't face Nepgear ye-"

A piercing cry ripped through N's thoughts and Nepgear's panic. Both looked down to see IF grasping onto N with her life, calling for her father.

"A... baby?" Nepgear blinked and loosened her grip.

"Iffy!" N stepped back, and Nepgear looked back at N- eyes widened. "Sssh, sssh, it's okay! It's okay, sweetie!" N kissed the infant on the forehead and walked over to a tree.

"..." Nepgear stared at her hands. "...That voice wasn't Neptune's…" Tears started to roll down her face.

As Uni and Vert tended to Nepgear, N sat down on a large tree root. He bounced IF in his arms, cooing and whispering to her.

"It's okay, Iffy! Daddy's here!" N held the child close while IF cried. Nepgear had sunken to her knees and began rubbing her eyes.

"I-I should have… I could have stopped her…"[2] Uni knelt down next to Nepgear.

"Nepgear, there's no way you could have known..." Uni pulled her closest friend into a hug. Vert had taken the initiative, pulling Rom and Ram away to find more snacks to eat. Noire watched over her little sister and Nepgear, her late rival's younger sister while Blanc went to check on N and IF.

"Everything alright here?" Blanc said in a quiet whisper. N was still cradling the child in his arms. IF had started to calm down into tiny sniffles and hiccups- gripping onto her father's shirt.

When N made eye contact with Blanc, it reminded her when she first ran into Neptune's stupid suicidial plan.

Eyes having lost their shine again, with the right one twitching. Hunching forward and breathing irregularly, Blanc could practically hear N's stomach rumble from the anxiety and stress.[3] Furthermore, she could almost see N's head shake again.

However, she did notice something different:

N wasn't completely panicking about Nepgear like he did when he was Neptune. Instead, he was focused on his daughter's well-being while glancing at his younger sister every once in a while.

Blanc smiled.

"Wha- Uh, yeah. I think I got the ol' IF-ster under control." N forced a smile. Blanc turned over to Nepgear.

"Why don't you get her under control now?" N turned to where Blanc was staring. N's fake smile quickly dropped.

"I…" N lowered his head again, shaking it slightly. "I don't think I can." Blanc raised an eyebrow.

"You totally can. Nepgear saw through you immediately." Blanc crossed her arms. "You own up to it and Nepgear will take you back with open arms." N gritted his teeth.

"That's the problem, Blanc!" N shouted as quietly as he could, pressing IF against his chest so that she couldn't see his face. "If I do just that, then everything I've done will be for nothing! Planeptune will slowly die out again, and then I'll have to kill myself for real!" Blanc glared at N.

"You're being idiotic." N glared back.

"Paranoid and justified! Thank you very much!" N stood up. "I'm sorry, Blanc. Like I told you last time, I wasn't ready to talk to Nepgear then. And I'm not now." N slung his backpack over his shoulder.

"Then what about the future?" N stood up, shrugging.

"If I do, I do. I don't, I don't." N pulled IF off of him and turned her to Blanc. "Say 'Bye bye' to Auntie Blanc, Iffy." IF raised her hand and slowly opened and closed it.

"Bai buh Auti Ban." Blanc waved back at her.

"Tell the twins that they can come over whenever so I can pay them back for watching Iffy." N nodded to Blanc and started to walk away.

"What about your sister?" N stopped, glanced at Blanc, then continued walking. "N, hold on!" Sighing, N compiled- since Blanc could just grab him if he didn't. "Catch." Blanc tossed a tiny item at the young man.

Catching it, N inspected the item.

It was a small pin. It was a small red mushroom with Lowee's symbol on its head.

N raised an eyebrow.

"It'll be useful later on." Shrugging, N pocketed it and left.

As N left the park, Neptune turned around to where the CPUs were- keeping IF firmly in her hands.

"Sorry, Nep Jr…" Shifting IF to a comfortable position, N went home.

Author's Note:

Hello everyone from that actually reads this, Kaiyo here. I have to put this author's note here because of an assignment- and because I need to say something.

This chapter also works as my final assignment for one of my college classes. For those wondering, I researched a topic of survivor's guilt- which specifically is about suicide. This is a topic that N/Neptune is obviously going through. Since this is a heavy topic, I struggled to write this chapter. I struggled so much that I had to put off writing for a couple years to figure out how to write this chapter.

The main resource that I used was "Suicide Survivor Guilt: The Relationship Between Interpersonal Guilt and Complicated Grief In Suicide Bereavement" by Jill Fischer, which I used to model N's reactions and actions that lead to his eventual breakdown with seeing Nepgear again.

Looking back at this work, most of usage for my resources all pertained to Nepgear's reaction to seeing N- since she is technically a suicide survivor. However, everything else was made on the fly.

As a result, this chapter is supposed to follow through Neptune's reactions to meeting with her old friends while trying (horribly) keeping up with the N facade. As such, most of my research has been about both the behavioral and mental aspects of survivor's guilt.

If this chapter becomes too personal to people, I apologize and I will hope I don't offend people in any way possible. However, this is a topic that I won't be able to avoid anymore in this story. I love having more adventures with Baby IF and Neptune, but I won't be progressing any further unless I do so.