PLEASE READ AUTHOR'S NOTE FIRST:
A/N:
Originally Chapter 50 and the Epilogue did not exist and the story ended after Chapter 48 (which was 49 at the time) with this standalone letter, the one Severus penned to Narcissa in the enchanted notebook days before his death, which he told her he regretted having written. This was the first full thing I wrote for this fanfic and though I went in another direction for the ending, I wanted to still share it with those of you who stayed with me through the whole fic and might be wondering what he wrote.
Review Responses at the bottom.
Thanks!
-AL
What Severus Wrote
My beautiful Narcissa,
You asked if I've thought about the possibility of us.
Yes. I have.
Of course I have.
I've thought about it countless times. Every day for several months, as a matter of fact, and even more frequenly over these last several days.
I've had a great many thoughts regarding you, our baby, and the possibility of us.
I've thought about what it would be like to fall asleep with you each night and wake with you in my arms every morning.
I've thought about asking you to leave your husband.
I've thought about asking you to marry me.
I've thought about what it would be like to watch your belly grow with my baby inside, to press my hand to your skin and feel it kick, to comfort and encourage you while you deliver, to cut the cord, to hold it in my arms. I've wondered and worried about whether I'd be as rubbish a father as my own or whether I would be able to be like you, to take my own childhood trauma and use it as motivation to be the best parent any child could have, to give our offspring a safe and happy upbringing, free from the abuse and pain we both suffered through ours.
I've even thought about baby names. I've thought about what it would be like if you took my name. I've thought about how much I would love to give you my name, to know you are mine and only mine while I am yours and only yours, and to know that everyone else knows it too.
I've thought about Christmas mornings and birthdays and anniversaries, about seeing plays together and going to dinner and watching movies and not having to worry about getting caught with our arms around each other, to kiss you in public, to retire after a long day to a home that we share. I've thought about the relief and satisfaction that would come from revealing to the world how I feel about you. I've thought about sending our child off on the Hogwarts express in twelve years time and whether she or he would be a Slytherin, like we were, or a Hufflepuff, as you almost were, or a Ravenclaw, as I nearly was, or, Merlin forbid, a Gryffindor.
Perhaps we would teach our child how to cook. Or bake. Or how to dance. Or fly. Or how to brew complicated potions worthy of membership to the Slug Club.
I've thought about all of this at great length.
Being a practical man, though, I've thought about other things, too.
I've thought about being exposed as disloyal or a traitor, and being killed for it - or, knowing the Dark Lord, being killed for even less. I've accepted the likelihood of this.
But I have had other thoughts I cannot accept.
I've thought about whether He might consider you a traitor if I'm proven to be one. I've thought about how that would make you a target. And even if by some miracle it doesn't, I've thought about the way it would feel for you to live in a world that He controls after I am gone, to raise my child in that world, to be on your own and struggling and scared, never able to escape the fearthat someday your disloyalty, and mine, would be discovered, and to potentially see your nightmares become a reality, in which he punishes our child to punish us.
I've thought about what it would be like if He decides killing me would not be as harsh a punishment for my disloyalty as killing you.
I've thought about what it would be like to get another woman I love murdered for my mistakes.
I've thought about what it would be like if, the next time the Dark Lord decides to kill a baby, the Killing Curse doesn't rebound and the baby – OUR baby – dies.
I've thought about what it would be like to lose you as I lost Lily and I've thought about what it would be like for both of us to die, leaving behind an orphan like Harry Potter, to be raised by those who may be abusive or neglectful, as he was, rather than cared for and loved, like Draco and Nova. I've thought about the possibility our own child could grow up 'marked' as Potter was, having a child that would have to grow up hidden and hunted, producing a child we could not protect.
And I cannot risk it, Narcissa. Not for either of us and certainly not for what's ours.
So yes, Narcissa, I have thought about the possibility of us, and as much as it pains me to write this to you (and it does. You must believe me when I say it does) I am afraid that "Us" is, at present, impossible. It will be better for you – safer – if you take the potion. It will be better for you – safer – if you stay with Lucius. And though it is destroying me to admit it, it will be better for you – safer – if we end this affair.
This means no more secret messages back and forth, no more secret visits.
It means I shall send you the potion by owl rather than delivering it in person.
It means goodbye – for now.
Should the Dark Lord fall and we survive, only then we may again discuss the possibility of us, and of the future, a future that, I hope, will include a child of our own.
But for now, my beautiful Narcissa, we cannot be together. Simply put, it is not safe. And I need to keep you safe. Though I am certain this break will hurt you as it does me, I hope you find solace in the fact that I love you. I am in love with you. I will miss you.
Do not feel obligated to wait for me, but I will wait for you.
Also, to answer the question you have been asking me for over two years, the answer remains the same as it always has: yes.
Yes, I want you.
I can't imagine ever not wanting you.
I want everything with you.
And I am sorry.
–SS
C'est finis.
Review Responses Chapters 49-Epilogue
Harry Hobbit – Thanks for all of your support and reviews and PMs! You've kept me going through the entire process, dating all the way back to the Augury trilogy. I appreciate every single review and always looked forward to seeing your reactions to each chapter. Some nights I didn't want to work on it but then I'd see you'd left a review and be like, "Well, I guess I can put in another hour at the computer." haha sad by true! I hugely appreciate it, is what I'm saying. I'll PM you back later (I see I have a msg but haven't read it yet) but I wanted to say THANKS x 1000!
Nephthys – I can't tell you how much I appreciate your thoughtful, in-depth reviews! I am super happy that you liked the way Agatha Lyra grew up. I don't know if I'll revisit her in a future fic but I won't rule it out. You've also got me contemplating writing a one-shot about the alternate-reality world in which the Dark Lord won (based on a scene in Cursed Child) from the POV of Snape after Cissy's death. Ohh, plot bunny… Thanks, too, for your comments about Lucius' reaction to having been betrayed by Severus. I am obsessed with wondering how former Death Eaters and the like dealt with knowing he'd betrayed them and become a hero. It didn't make it into this fic but in my head I'd written a short scene of Septima and Narcissa visiting the cemetery where Hogwarts professors who didn't have families are buried, figuring he's there. Maybe that'll end up being a one-shot someday too. It's interesting that you found it somewhat therapeutic to read because honestly, I found it incredibly therapeutic to write, more so than any of my other fics has been. About Lucius, I agree with you and feel badly about it. He's definitely a less nuanced character and that's in part because I struggled to connect with him. I just plain don't like him. But lately I've been reading Lucius/Hermione fics (long story) and see him in a new way that makes me wish I'd developed him different. I hope he was at least somewhat redeemed in the end.
Guest – Thanks! I didn't like that about Delphini's 'bad blood' either and I don't think Narcissa would have believe it (at least not in the world I've created for her) which is why she feels guilt and regret over not having raised her with the love she needed. Not sure if that came through in the end of this fic, but when I read Cursed Child my heart just broke for Delphi! I get you on the STD ("social disease") part. I didn't like doing it to her either but I felt like, with all that crazy sex he has with evvvverrrrybody, it was only a matter of time before he brought home a little something extra and unpleasant. The reason I had Narcissa tell Draco that Nova died at age two (which he believed because she's always been sick with various things) is because I didn't want him to even remotely consider the possibility she'd come back during the Cursed Child stuff or that he would've told his son about her. One of the things that bothered me in Cursed Child was that nobody seemed to realize this girl existed, which made no sense since she was born at Malfoy Manor while three Malfoys were currently living there. Your review where you said "Lucius was like, 'tea?'" cracked me up, btw. Thanks!
Karli1252 – Thanks so much! I agonized over the decision to redo the ending to include Chapter 50 and the epilogue rather than finishing with this letter so I'm glad you loved it.
Avery – Thank you! I'm thrilled that you liked the mirrored twinkling line. I thought about including their conversaion but ultimately wanted to end with a little mystery. In my head, though, Lyra's girlfriend is her childhood best friend, Sofinisba Wood, fellow Ravenclaw and daughter of famous Quidditch player Oliver Wood. They were just friends all through Hogwarts, spent a couple of years apart post school due to their studies getting in the way, and now they've rediscovered each other as adults. I'm such a nerd; I mentally write fanfiction based on my own fanfiction… hahaha. About your previous review, I'm sorry to have made you cry but I'm glad you have a dog to hug. I based much of Narcissa's depresson issues/behavior on my own when I was younger (though I didn't drink) which is why I wanted to show her getting better but never completely being cured, since that's how I feel. I'm glad you like Septima. She's sort of the antithesis of me, my complete opposite, and she was therefore fun to write!
TheQueenHarleyQ98 –I appreciate that you liked how Lucius raised her as I know not everyone loved that (I even got two PMs about it… lol). Thank you for your lovely comments about this fic!
Fragilereality – Thank you! Blood purity beliefs run deep… I'm loving your fics by the way. Can't wait for more updates about Hermione/Lucius' upcoming wedding.
EmoEmpire – I am doing a prequel about the Black sisters growing up and growing apart. It's not ready to be posted yet but keep an eye open for it in the future! Thanks!
910Doctor – Thank you for your review! I fell for the Snape/Narcissa pairing quite accidentally and am now all about it, so I'm glad I made it work for you, too! :)
Everything Hurts – I'll get back to Devoted to Darkness soon! I shouldn't have posted the first chapter so early because I wasn't ready to focus on it but I'll have more time now that this one's done.
KleaKuqi – Don't hate me! Haha. Thanks for reading and all of your reviews!
Precious Little Cherry Blossom – I hate that he had to die. JKRowling broke my heart with that. I'm still mourning.
Firetemplar415 – Hahaha no, anything but holy water! Glad you caught some feels. Lol:)
PopularCats – Thanks for reading and leaving so many great reviews!
Elphaba8387 – I love that you noticed I stopped capitalizing "He/Him" for the Dark Lord once he'd been defeated. I wanted it to seem like he was like a god to them before and finally lost his power. Thanks!
Also, a huge thanks to everyone who read and reviewed Wanting Narcissa at any point, as your reviews kept me going (and I hope you'll be compelled to continue through to the end). This includes all of the following:
EvilRegalOncer12, PureBlood Vampira, Half-as-Beautiful, Batman is Kawaii, Annika, trickster32, Pink Cashmere, lala1224, ADesperateReader, Sunshine490, bigred20, Readdicted, vani12, malfoy-mcgonagall, Ainat00, shira, Stefangelina, Slughorn, Yunpgasibitch, Anotherdarkshado, Prettylillpsycho, hendo2207, thenuminous, Bla gojevich, Hello, palerebelforever