Title: Tag Training

Word Count: 3103

Notes: The StrawHats are stuck with a captive after a marine battle and plan to drop him off at a nearby base asap. But life must go on aboard the Thousand Sunny, guests or no guests.

Tag Training

The captive Marine had no idea what he'd been expecting when he'd woken up lodged under the port side railing of the infamous Thousand Sunny, hours and miles after the fugitive Straw Hat Pirates had left his squadron far behind, but this was not it. The tying up, yes. The bandages from the fifty-bellie deer-creature? Well, sort of. As a Marine, he would have had to give basic medical aid to any and all captives, therefore he had to respect them for giving him treatment once the battle was over. And if what he'd been given for dinner were the actual 'scrapings' the cook claimed they were, it was still finer cuisine then he'd been privileged to eat in a very long time. But this...?

The captain of the Straw Hats, faithfully wearing his epithet as always, was standing in the middle of the lawn deck (and oh how the Marine approved of the lawn deck, he was going to mention it to his own Captain if he ever saw him again), making a grand statement to his crew – of which only two appeared to be listening to him; the rest having scattered about the ship as though the noise he made were no different from that of a squawking gull.

"I'll let you run first!" Straw Hat grinned, standing in front of the mast the Marine was firmly tied to (though the small, fuzzy doctor had checked him five times to ensure there were no issues with his blood circulation), seated rather comfortably on the bench seat that surrounded it. One hand pushed the hat off so it hung between his shoulder blades. "Ten seconds and then I'm coming after you! You'd better be ready for it."

The Marine blinked at the odd statement – and then gasped in shock as Cotton Candy Chopper and Usopp-slash-Sogeking shrieked and flung themselves in opposite directions; Usopp hitting the door to the Aquarium (which he'd seen on his tour – yes, he'd been given a tour of his temporary prison, what pirate crew actually did that?) and ducking inside, Chopper shifting to the form of a full deer (ah-HAH! He was a Zoan!), galloping across the lawn, and up the stairs to centre deck.

Dead Bones Brook – violin, in hand – did a mad dash the opposite way of Chopper, heading to the second deck as well. Cat Burglar Nami, already there, brought out her Clima-Tact, spinning the long blue pole in readiness – for an attack? From their captain?

A clang caught his attention and the Marine turned his head to see Cyborg Frankie disappearing below decks somewhere, and Black Leg Sanji had gone back into the kitchen, muttering something about idiots and defending the virtue of his pantry. The Marine wasn't sure he wanted to know.

Pirate Hunter Zoro – whom the Marine would have sworn had been dead asleep in his post across from him as was befitting for a guard– woke up and nearly flew up the rigging to the crow's nest - presumably where he would have a bird's eye view of the captain coming after him. Well, that would be logical. It was hard to believe that the fearless swordsman was actually running from the teenage captain but that's what it looked like. The Marine wasn't quite sure of that either.

The Marine prisoner shifted on the bench seat. He was sure that the look on his face told anyone who cared to glance over that he had no clue what the hell was going on. Devil Child Robin, reclining comfortably next to him in her lawn chair, apparently had no intention of enlightening him and simply crossed her arms in preparation, eyes shut and a serene smile gracing her lips.

"Yosh! Here I come!" The Straw Hat captain grinned and spun in a quick circle, taking in everything he could before apparently deciding Cotton Candy Chopper was a good starting point. He flung one rubbery arm out, stretching across the lawn deck to the far side stair railing, gripped hard and then let physics take over, a move that resulted in sling-shotting himself across the grass at high speed.

As he did, he casually snapped a hand down in passing to the Devil Child who immediately backhanded his away with a dozen of her own. He pouted at her as he flew overhead but she merely smiled back at him and nodded at the incoming railing - which the captain then crunched into headfirst; yet another case of a man paying more attention to Devil Child Robin then where they were going but in this case, no blood was shed.

Such is the luck of the rubber man, the Marine thought bitterly from his spot by the mast. After all, he'd been caught that way himself – a brief goggle at the woman fighting in a top that had seemed to be losing the battle in keeping her appropriately covered resulted in Black Leg Sanji taking extreme offence at the direction his eyes were pointed and had then attempted to kick him through the side railing of the Thousand Sunny to the sparkling sea below. Well, he'd made it to the railing - which was where he'd been stuck, and how this mess had all begun. The Marine sighed and decided more observation was necessary. If this was a coup in the making, perhaps a chance for escape would arise. He would have to be watchful.

The Straw Hat captain gathered his feet beneath him and spring-boarded up to the second deck where Cotton Candy Chopper was heard to scream in terror. There was much crashing and yelling and crying – on whose part, the Marine couldn't really tell – and then the human-deer hybrid came came galloping down the other staircase – on two feet this time, the marine noted absently, still frozen from his seat at the mast – and with antlers that looked five times as large as they should on a normal reindeer.

Chopper looked up and saw the rubber man coming down – though it was over the side and not the stairs as one might have done – and the reindeer snorted and jabbed forward. He caught the rubber man in the ribs and immediately flung his head, tossing Straw Hat Luffy – his captain (what was this, simple self-defence or all-out mutiny?) - across the lawn deck once again.

This time, the captain flicked a swift hand out, catching the side deck railing and making the decision to go after a different target. The one they called Usopp but the Marine knew had to be Sogeking – there couldn't possibly be two snipers with that exact same nose, right? - had made the mistake of leaving the safety of the aquarium. He shrieked and scrambled up the remaining stairs to the top deck before whirling around. Straw Hat Luffy, in mid-flight up the stairs from another slingshot – was caught off-guard when something exploded in his face, the impact causing him to pinwheel with a screech right into the railing along the fore deck.

The Marine watched in shock as the sniper – who had screamed 'flour and egg bomb special' before firing – scurried down the other set of stairs and continued down into the depths of the ship via the grass-covered hatch he flung open right in front of the Marine and dove into, apparently joining Cyborg Franky's team.

Meanwhile, the Straw Hat captain was spitting and sputtering on the fore deck, extending his tongue far past the length mere mortals could reach and was animatedly scrubbing it with his hands. "That was NOT tasty, Usopp!" he hollered at the world in general, as Usopp – Sogeking? - was long gone.

The trapped Marine shivered at the angry tone and wondered what punishment the enraged captain would give his subordinate for shooting his superior in the face – and then gaped as the captain charged down the stairs, in the sniper's direction – only to reach the foremast and begin clambering up it like the agile animal that was his family name.

Only to have what had to be the largest actual dumbbell the Marine had ever seen in his life come hurtling out of the crows-nest hatch at warp speed (whatever that was but it sounded good in his mind) and colliding heavily with the Straw Hat captain's forehead. It rebounded up and over the captain, landing heavily on the lawn deck with a crunch that signified it had been summarily planted like one of the orange trees and was not about to go anywhere else anytime soon. A second one soon joined it, then a third, as the captain was pelted with several more weights and weightless barbell shafts (which seemed to be hurled javelin style and wound up fencing the Marine in to his seat at the mast. Planned? Accidental? The Marine didn't know, but as long as he didn't move, perhaps he would survive this crazy bit of mutiny intact).

The Straw Hat hit the ground yet again, and rolled dizzily across the grass until he reached the barbells – at which point he grasped them to haul himself to his feet. The Marine stared in horror at the welts, bumps and goose eggs upon goose eggs now adorning the mighty Straw Hat's head - the head that was worth over three hundred million bellie with a forehead that resembled corn on the cob.

He flinched when a damp towel suddenly appeared in the hand closest to the captain – having arrived via a multitude of them from where the Devil Child was still reclining on her chair near his point of captivity – and began scrubbing his face. Her voice was soft but full of amusement when she asked her captain if he was giving in.

The Straw Hat vigorously shook his head – and apparently that action not only shook off the remainder of the flour/egg dough coating his hair, but also the horrific goose eggs (though how that happened, the Marine couldn't begin to fathom) and flung both fists in the air, proclaiming to the world (which apparently consisted of him as prisoner, the captain himself, two news gulls overhead that seemed to afraid to land, and four of the eight Straw Hats that were visible at various points of the decks) that as the future Pirate King he would not – nay, could not – lose at this. With that final proclamation, he flung himself to the railing that lined the mid-deck and housed the doorways to the galley and the infirmary respectively, and targeted his navigator.

Who, without so much as a change in posture, sent him careening back to the very same spot on the lawn deck from whence he'd just departed, by way of a very large thunderbolt that materialized out of nowhere and left the captain – and the surrounding burnt grass – smelling strongly of charcoal and ozone. The Marine felt the hair on the back of his neck – and on his head, and his chest and yes, even his back – stand on end.

Meanwhile, the captain immediately stood up, what the hell – oh yes, he was made of rubber, wasn't he? But his clothes weren't and that was what took the brunt of the attack. The Marine watched as the captain gleefully shouted this out at his navigator – and really, what kind of navigator went around topless save for a bikini top? – and prepared for a second try. He barely got into the air before he was pelted with hailstones the size of cannonballs, taking a dozen hits in less than three seconds.

The Marine gaped in horror at what he'd just witnessed – which was essentially the crushing of Straw Hat Luffy via blunt trauma by many large and heavy balls of ice – and hunched up as small as he could on the bench he'd been tied to, hoping the gory body wouldn't somehow roll any closer in a way that potentially made him the next target. Then the body groaned, and he manfully suppressed the terrif—err, surprised yelp that escaped him.

"Guuuhhhh..." moaned the corpse, as it flopped over and sat up, shaking its head, ice crystals flaking off to land and subsequently melt on what was left of the lawn deck, as parts of it were still smouldering from the earlier lightning bolt tempo. "That hurt, Nami!"

"It was supposed to," she flung back, fearlessly brandishing her three-piece blue pole of doom, and the Marine knew that the end had to be near.

Suddenly the door to the galley opened and Black Leg Sanji stomped outside, looking fit to kill. "Shitty rubber, you did NOT just attempt to attack Nami-swan!"

Said Shitty Rubber to Black Leg Sanji in reply: "FOOOOOOOOOOOD!"

Non sequitur says what?

Straw Hat reared back, arm whirling furiously in a wind up before letting fly to latch on to the railing in front of the galley. Black Leg Sanji however stuck his aforementioned Black Leg in front of said railing and Straw Hat grabbed on to him instead. The Marine watched in shock as Black Leg wound up his leg almost exactly how Straw Hat had wound up his arm – and just how he was making his leg turn in such fast circles he had no idea, was the man triple jointed in the knees? What the hell - and the captain shot straight towards the cook with all the force the both of them could muster. Black Leg waited until the last moment and then suddenly jumped into the air, bringing his other leg up in time to smash into the Straw Hat leader just as he arrived, apparently aiming for the mast.

The Captain was driven into the mast alright but he didn't stop – no, he rebounded at a sharp angle that hit the hatch that led to the crows nest and SMASHED THROUGH IT. There were apparently no weights to stop him this time, but a loud growl, followed by a louder snarl, made the Marine think maybe, just maybe, the green-haired swordsman who was currently occupying that room might be a secret zoan fruit user – well, that or they were keeping a large and very dangerous-sounding pet tiger up there that the rubber man most likely hit after his impromptu arrival.

A yelp, another growl, a scream, and then the Marine started at the sound of glass breaking and seeing the Straw Hat captain careening out one of the windows, eyes spinning dizzily in their sockets. The Marine wasn't sure the Straw Hat captain was even conscious at this point. The Marine also noted that the trajectory the rubber man was flying was apparently going to end over the ocean which meant the coup de mutiny was apparently a success after all.

Then the skeleton – and damn it he had just managed to repress the idea of the walking, talking and farting living dead being a member of this particular crew – was racing along the railing of the ship before turning sharply and running across a railing that suddenly appeared out of nowhere and was extending out to sea. A railing... made of arms? The Marine looked sideways at the Devil Child who still regally reclined on her chair but her eyes were focused on her captain and the arms followed him.

The skeleton raced along the road of conjoined limbs until he was able to leap up and catch the Straw Hat captain in his arms and land safety on the enlarged palm that signified the end of said road. He then turned and raced back towards the ship, long legs moving like pistons. The road of arms fluttered into non-existence behind him, scattering petals into the air.

The Marine was stunned to see the deer-man – who had been running screaming from his captain the entire time – suddenly enlarge itself into a mountain of a gorilla-man instead, reaching anxiously for Straw Hat and apparently forgetting that he had been the first target of the insane rubber leader. "Is he okay, Brook? Is he awake?"

The Marine gasped as a sudden thud heralded the appearance of the swordsman who had just leaped out of the crows nest – and landed alive. Without injury. Like it had been twenty feet rather than twenty meters. "Sorry, Chopper. I hit him harder than I thought he could handle – I think the spin from Sanji's kick made him dizzy."

This was concern being expressed, apparently. Not five minutes after having tried to skewer his captain with javelins made of weight bars. The Marine was baffled.

"Don't blame me for your lack of control, marimo," came a call from the cook who was striding towards them. He scanned their dizzy, passed out captain, and then turned on his heel. "Better make an extra rack of lamb, another bowl of mashed potatoes – he'll need the extra protein."

"I knew he wasn't up for training today," said the sniper, coming out of the hatch that led below decks, followed by the Cyborg who was complaining he hadn't had a chance to test any of his new gadgets in the training exercise that had ended before he'd even entered it. The Pirate Hunter clapped the Cyborg on the back and offered to be his opponent after they got their captain squared away, to which the Cyborg cheered and struck a rather strange pose. The sniper followed the gorilla-man who was apparently carrying the captain – bridal style, mind you – to the infirmary. "I knew that battle went on too long without a snack or something to hold him over, but no, he just had to slingshot himself into that warship, didn't he?"

The Marine watched in silent shock as the crew – each in their own odd way – cooed over and pampered their dizzy captain, the same captain who had just tried to inflict grievous bodily harm on all of them, ending with the mountain gorilla carefully picking up the spiralled-eyed rubber man and carrying him into the galley, followed by the rest of the crew save for Nico Robin who paused by his perch on the tree bench and remarked casually, "I do hope no sea kings eat you while we are having dinner. It would be so disappointing to hand over a half-eaten carcass rather than a whole sailor."

And then the Marine was left alone on the deck of the Thousand Sunny, gazing fearfully at the turbulent waters of the New World Grand Line, and decided that if he did manage to leave this place in one entire piece, he was immediately putting in for a transfer back to his original base in the South Blue.

New World pirates were insane.

End

This just popped into my head and demanded to be written quite a while back. I found it by accident on an old flashdrive and decided to clean it up for posting. I hope you enjoyed!