What's Left of Us

I know we stopped talking over the last five years. I never told you - I don't know why I didn't speak out like usual - but I knew you were lying the second I woke up in the backseat of that car.

I chose to believe you at first, not willing to think anything bad of you, but the reality came crashing down on me. I don't know why you stole me away from the fireflies. I don't know what they had planned to do to me that scared you so badly, I only have theories. I knew Marlene was dead. Every time I'd bring her up you would change the subject, and get quiet and angry like you used to be when the guilt of the world fell on your shoulders. I don't know why you had to kill her, the woman who had been so much like a mother to me.

It's been hard coming to terms with what you did. The decision you made for me. You've got to be the most selfish man I have ever met. Keeping me alive so you could be happy. Dooming the world to this sickness, this apocalypse. Despite it all Joel, I need you to know the truth. I forgive you, and I'm sorry. She had painted that much obvious for me, something I should have seen years ago, but I was too stubborn and angry. I always assumed your selfishness had doomed humanity, but I was wrong. You are humanity, and so am I. Tommy, Maria and the rest of Jackson. Humanity at its finest. Selfish and stubborn and alive.

I think it's about time I caught you up.

The house I had been assigned on the west side of Jackson was a two-bedroom town house with a small living room and a bathroom; both of which I shared with my roommate, Suzanna. Roommate was a loose term. It was more like foe, enemy, begrudging-stranger-that-I-shared-a-wall-with.

"Evening Dyke," Susie chimed, stalking past me as she came in through the front door.

I gritted my teeth and stabbed at my eggs. Yes, my roommate was positively charming. Just the most pleasant woman in all of Jackson city. The one and only homophobe in the apocalypse, and Tommy assigned her as my roommate. Not on purpose of course.

I left shortly after the woman's arrival, and walked quickly to my post. I had to mentally prepare for the night shift that I was being paid generously for. "Hiya Ellie!" Michelle called from the lookout waving tiredly.

"Hey, how's it going?"

She smiled slightly and helped me up the last prong on the ladder so I stood beside her on the platform. "Quiet day, not a click or cry,"

"That's what I like to hear. Get home, I'll see you later."

She nodded lightly, "Thanks, have a good night!"

You know how strangely cold that summer was for us in Jackson, and so I sat with my hood up and gloves on, gazing out over the hills that stood past the west entrance. The rifle I held began to weigh down my arms after only a few hours. I knew something was off. I couldn't put a finger on it but something wasn't right about the air that night.

Click. Click. Click. The distinctive noise was enough to set me on my guard. I pulled the scope to my eye and flipped on the military grade flashlight that was duct taped to the top of the weapon. There were three of them trudging along the trail, and four more followed a yard behind. They screeched and clicked in a flurry, something was holding their attention.

Slowly, I followed the path in front of them and with a gasp I spotted the horse. "Fucking hell! Tommy!" The clickers screeched again at my outburst and broke out into a run. Bang! Bang! Bang! I fired my weapon and hit all three of my targets.

"Maria come in," I nearly yelled into my walkie unit. "I repeat, Maria come in. I have an emergency at the west gate. Maria do you copy?"

"Yeah I'm here Ellie, what's the deal?"

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! The next four dropped but the clicking was still clear in the quiet night. Distant but there.

"Tommy's horse is here!" I hollered scrambling down the ladder, "and its brought an entourage."

There was silence over the radio. I pulled the heavy door open. Buster, Tommy's old steed, stood impatiently on the other side, snorting at me. I yanked his reigns and quickly closed the doors behind him.

"Calling all arms, west entrance is in need of back up. Calling all arms, west entrance is in need of back up." Maria's voice didn't show any sign of weakness as it sounded across the city over the intercoms that had been installed a few months prior.

I clambered back up to my post just as the flood lights blinked on with a clunk over the door. Two, three, six, ten, probably thirty. More than I could possibly count in such little time. Clickers and runners and stalkers alike ran towards the city. Men and woman ran in the streets towards my post as I started firing. I had taken down ten of my own before other shots started sounding. Michelle and her two older brothers stood with me on my platform nodded at me in acknowledgment.

It took nearly an hour for the horde to disappear. A pile of rotting flesh surrounded the entrance. We were all quiet, Michelle, her two brothers and I. Our guns were still raised, cocked and ready. A single, final shot was fired and then nothing.

"Status report," Maria's voice came through.

I alone dared to move, "Appears clear."

"Ellie, was Tommy with Buster?"

Michelle and I shared a look. Buster had ran off, spooked by the gunfire. He had come through the doors alone. "Negative."

Silence.

Michelle and her family left once again, along with the six others that had taken arms along the post. "You sure you're okay Ellie? I can take over for the rest of your shift?" she offered sincerely.

"No, I'm okay, honest. Go on, I'll see you tomorrow," She nodded and then left again.

I felt strange standing back on my platform. Tommy had left with a small group three days prior, but that you knew. "Joel," I mumbled fidgeting with the strap of my gun.

When the morning came Colten, Michelle's brother, was there to replace me. He yawned as he took my gun, "Quite the night hey?"

I nodded, "Yeah, hope you were able to sleep."

"I don't think anyone did. Buster was found outside Tommy's. He was pretty beat up. Maria's gone hard though, acting like this is just like any other scavenge group disappeared."

"She heading to the meet up?"

He nodded, "Yeah within the hour. They want to be there to be sure that the group shows up. Bring provisions in case they were ambushed. Chances are they're already there."

I nodded. "Joel and Tommy? How could they not be."

He snorted, "Those two could have killed that entire horde themselves."

"I've seen Joel do it," I snorted and Colten smirked.

"Old man is tough. I wouldn't worry Ell, get to Maria."

I nodded and ran off towards Maria's house.

She was on the porch with three men, all equipped and prepared to depart. "Ellie," she raised her eyebrow at me, "Didn't you just get off shift?"

I nodded, "I want to come with you to the meet up."

She squinted at me curiously, "You must be exhausted."
"Even if I were, I wouldn't be able to sleep. Please Maria, ma'am."

She could hear the desperation in my voice and her face softened. "Alright kid, gear up."

We exited through the west entrance, Colten waved at the five of us as we rode off. Silent and brisk we rode to the meeting spot.

The rules of scavenging in Jackson were few but vital. The most important of these rules was what to do if you were to become separated. A place was determined where the group would meet up to find each other. They would wait twenty-four hours before heading back to Jackson. With or without the entire group. There were no search parties. They all agreed to it before setting out on their mission every two months.

We wanted to meet Tommy's group at their meet up in case there were injuries. It wasn't normally done and it was on the border of breaking protocol. But there we were riding up to the ruins of an old cabin.

A small fire was lit and around it, three sleeping figures. "Tommy!" Maria called, jumping from her horse.

The man sat up immediately, along with the eighteen-year-old Darcy and his older girlfriend Judy. "What the hell are you doing here?" He said in disbelief, jumping to his feet.

He scooped up his wife and hugged her close. All the while, all I could think was of how you weren't there. Darcy stood in front of me and smiled slightly. He and I had always gotten along, although I was two years his senior we had become fast friends in the early days.

He said nothing though, even as I gave him a questioning look. Instead he looked to Tommy, who was scanning the lot of us. His gaze stopped on me.

"You didn't have to come find us you know," he said to Maria but his eyes remained on me.

"Buster showed up at the doors scared out of his wits, a horde on his tail. Riding here with some medical supplies was the least we could do."

Tommy nodded and opened his mouth to say something. He closed it and finally broke eye contact with me. "Tommy," I said meaningfully.

He tensed, as did Darcy and Judy. No one breathed a sound. "Ellie, I'm surprised you're out here," was his response.

"She was on watch when your horse came barrelling in. Took down most of the infected for us too," Maria explained.

"Good for you Kiddo," Tommy's voice was terse and I knew I wouldn't like the answer to the question burning on my tongue.

"Where is he?"

"Now Ellie-"

"Is he okay?"

"Ellie look-"

"Is he alive?"

"Ellie!" Tommy raised his voice at me and I closed my mouth into a tight scowl, "To be completely honest with you, we don't know."

"Where is he Tommy?"

Tommy looked at the wind-up watch he wore and glowered deeply, "He's still got another five hours to find us Ellie. Don't lose your hair."

Five hours and then we would walk back to Jackson, with or without you.

"What the hell happened?" Maria asked pulling a water bottle out of her bag and handing it to Judy.

"We got ambushed by some hunters I ain't ever seen in these parts before," Tommy responded sitting back down beside the fire. Maria followed suit.

I remained standing, my arms crossed staring at Tommy hard. "Did you give them what they wanted?" one of Maria's men asked.

Darcy nodded, but we all knew it didn't matter what hunters wanted. Those who ran into them, usually didn't walk away with their lives. "We handed them all our gear, the horses, even our water. They were gonna let us walk when they noticed Joel."

"What do you mean noticed?" Maria questioned.

"He had been scavenging a few blocks down when we got caught so he hung low. He was waiting them out, wasn't gonna attack or anything stupid like usual. They spotted him just as they were about to leave. They didn't like that one bit," Judy swallowed hard and avoided my gaze at all cost.

"He handed his gear to them immediately, but it weren't enough. They wanted him," Tommy looked me in the eye. "They tied him up and threw him on a horse."

"Then he's alive?"

"Yeah Ellie, he's probably alive, for now."

"Then we gotta go find him."

"Ellie, we got rules you know," Maria snapped.

"Tommy, this is your brother we are talking about here," I said, ignoring Maria. Everyone looked to our fearless leader, thinking the same thing.

Tommy meanwhile looked at his wife and swallowed loudly, she glanced back at him with no expression on her face. "Ellie, Joel knows the protocol. He would be pissed if we broke it. Besides they could be leagues away by now."
"He's your brother," I choked, tears burning in anger at my eyes. "Don't tell me you'd do any different if this were Maria."
"Hey now! You heard him Ellie! Joel's a tough sonuva and if he's alive he'll get back to Jackson on his own. Don't go taking your guilt out on Tommy!"

"Guilt?" I spat at Maria, taking a heavy step forward.

"That's right. You feel guilty for shutting that man out of your life after all he's done for you. Don't go throwing it in Tommy's face."

I said nothing. She wasn't lying. I did feel guilty and angry with myself. I knew had no right to fight against them in your name. They had been your family for the past five years. I hadn't said more than a few words to you in the last three; only on those rare occasions that our shifts crossed over.

I sat down away from the rest of them, "Five hours?" I said to no one in particular.

"I'll give him six," Tommy responded. His voice was sympathetic and broken. I knew he wasn't taking this as easy as he put on. Tommy and you may not have always seen eye to eye but you were attached at the hip most days.

I nodded, "He'll be here."

And so we waited. The morning light grew higher in the sky. It seemed the weather had made a drastic change for the better. The sticky, summer heat slowly blanketed us, and soon the forest began to come alive. Sounds of birds and squirrels and buzzing bugs were loud in the silence that filled my head. Did you hear it all too?

"Ellie it's time," Tommy was nudging me out of the numb sleep I had fallen into. "We need to get back to Jackson."

I looked up to find everyone had already packed up their belongings and were on the horses. Nobody would meet my gaze, nobody except Tommy. He was fighting his own internal battle; I could see it in his eyes clear as day.

"I'm not going," I responded. Tommy didn't react, he had been expecting this response.

"Look, if Joel is still out there he will know to come back to Jackson. We waited long enough Ellie."

I shook my head, "He didn't make it here Tommy. He's not making it back to Jackson. He needs our help. I'm going to go find him."

Maria sighed heavily, "Ellie stop being a fool and get on your horse."

I ignored her and kept Tommy's gaze for a long moment. He nodded and pulled the pack Maria had brought for him off his back. "Here take this," I took it with a nod of thanks.

"I'm going to find him."

"Kid, there are rules!" Maria raised her voice at me.

"Rules that you can follow all the way back to fucking Jackson. He's alive. It's not like they watched him get ripped the fuck to shreds or taken by a horde. He was stolen on the back of a horse. So leave, but I'm not going anywhere without that man."

Tommy shot his wife a look at stopped her from responding to me before putting a hand on my shoulder, About ten miles due west of here – that old ranch you know? – you'll find a path that leads into the hills behind the houses. Follow it till you hit the river, that's where they hit us."

"They rode with the current. Seemed to be following the river somewheres," Darcy responded with a nod.

"Here," Tommy began to untie Buster's reigns from Maria's saddle. I looked at her, waiting for her to protest. She just stared at us, once again expressionless. "Be nice to my old pal, he's been good to me. Go on now, before I change my mind," I pulled myself up onto Buster and nodded. "Be careful you hear?"

I look him dead in the eye and smiled a little, "I'm always careul."

He snorted and pulled me into a tight hug. "Bring him back Ellie," his voice was quiet and rough.

He jumped on the horse behind Maria, who was still staring at me with no expression.

"I'm going to find him Maria."

"Goodbye kid."