So, on this date five years ago I posted my first fanfic Knighthood. I was starting my first year of high school then, and the plan was that I would partake in the glories of fan fiction for four years and part of my adulthood initiation would be to leave. Through the years, I have found a second family here on the site and to every single one of my reviewers I say THANK YOU! I have learned so much, not only about my writing but about myself through your love and support. You guys have seen me through several fandom addictions, from Star Wars to Merlin to X-Men to Arrow to Supernatural and with that, several dozen defeats, victories, rough patches and happy days.
My Jedi Legends series has been a project years in the making and some of my works here have challenged and recreated me in ways unimaginable. I can't say how much this site has meant to me, so now with barely two weeks before I embark on my newest journey to college, I say Happy Anniversary! Honestly everyone, this whole 'growing up' thing is terrifying, but I feel confident knowing that I have a second home waiting at the press of a button. Suffice to say, that whole four years and then its done thing? Nah. I won't post as often as I would like probably, but I still have work to do and I owe it to all my beautiful reviewers. :D
That said, I began my journey with Ani/Obi bromance and I'll close this chapter of my my life the same way. Welcome to the new galaxy, family.
Godspeed,
QueenYoda.
Obi-wan could not recall the last time he had felt so wretched. He supposed that there must have been an occasion because the uncomfortable knot in his gut was not necessarily unfamiliar. In fact, said knot was settled so nicely that Obi-wan was almost predisposed into thinking that it was an old friend, a counterpart that apparently knew its way around. Nonetheless, not even this knowledge could in any way assuage his memory into compliancy (and really, that scared him most because he had been taught that knowledge could do anything. Force, he had trained his own pupil on the same idea).
Perhaps the reason his recollections remained hidden was because the knot had never brought along company before. Odd company it kept as well, because snuggled right next to the knot of apprehension was a deep seated feeling of utter joy and pride. He had never felt prouder…
Or more sorrowful. Even losing Qui-gon hadn't filed him with this much sorrow.
On an instinct that was more innate and -Force help him- uncivilized than thoughtful, he looked up into the vast emptiness above him in a mute plea for assistance. As a Jedi, he knew that the Force was all around him. Looking up did not mean he would find it any easier. Just as going to his knees to meditate on its Will was not a true estimation of his obedience, his will and worthiness. Only deeds could prove that.
Looking up, going to his knees, these were merely ancient rituals inscribed into his being-and this time, he would not be overly shocked should he learn that his genes may have some hand in it as well-by the mere accident of being a human. He knew what the Force was. He could touch it, after all. Control it. Feel it in his bones.
Yet there was something about craning his neck and having the muscles creak and ripple with the strain, about loosening the tightness around his heart that made it feel holier. And the sky.
There was something about the sky or the ceiling or whichever it was that bid him to inhale deeply. So he did. When the dust tickled the inside of his nose, his eyes began to water and Obi-wan counted the echoes his quiet sneeze made as a sign that some itches and aches just had to be let out. They had to ripple outwards and continue their journey without him. That was the way of things.
Which of course does not insinuate that I have to enjoy the way things are, his mind rebelled. He let his eyes roam the emptiness above, layered in darkness and shrouded by echoes of an oddity that always called him here.
The ornate carvings above him sang silently in the Force, and their chiseled stone faces berated him for being an old fool. Obi-wan was not particularly insulted. After all, they were not exactly…. Standard either, were they? Angels. In the Jedi Temple. Yes, they certainly hadn't any commonsense about them. They were from a time much earlier than his own. Perhaps that was why he loved this small sanctuary.
The room was hardly anything extraordinary. It was tiny and cold and barren. Only three rows of time riddled wooden pews lay here, rotting. Entirely uncomfortable. All the pews faced a set of stone stairs protruding from the wall, holdings hundreds upon hundreds of wax candles, all melting together with their collective wicks. Some of them recognized Obi-wan and sank a bit deeper into their puddles in greeting.
He had set more than a few candles here beneath the angels in the high, echoing ceiling. This… Place was a Jedi's prayer.
As opposed to falling to their knees in anything but thought, pressing their palms together in anything but protectiveness and staring at the sky looking for anything but beauty, the Order came here and lit a candle. Beneath tangible faces of mercy and deliverance, they set a shrapnel of wax atop the already massive pile and let it burn. Some of them sat in the pews until the last flame had flickered out and relit the bundle. Some left directly after.
Others would come in and watch the wax melt and wick smoke into oblivion with sorrow, thought, nostalgia, regret. Still more would stop by and whisper a greeting or goodbye to the angels on the ceiling, gently blowing a kiss or pressing a hand to their heart. Some spoke. Some were silent. Some came in groups. Some wept. He had, more than once for more than a few people.
Still, it had been awhile since he had sat with angels, so he came again, in a time just a few hours before dawn. Obi-wan sat in the pews, stared at the faces and tried to remember another time when he had felt the same way.
His reminiscing was interrupted later than he had expected. The boy was learning patience at long last. "By all the Force, Obi-wan, are you in here?" Obi-wan smiled a bit mischievously.
"You're late," he drawled, as was their custom.
Anakin Skywalker stormed in, his dark cloak gently rippling at his heels like small clouds of rejuvenating rainclouds. Time had tempered his spirit… Though unfortunately that merely meant that he was only a smidge less reckless and only minutely reformed regarding his respect forcommands. Despite these changes (victories, he liked to say) time had not wrought any damage upon his dashing flamboyancy or charming smile or his intense gaze. He settled it on Obi-wan and suddenly the older man realized that to his eyes, Anakin had barely aged at all.
Blasted boy.
"Are you brooding again?" Maybe because of his evident immortality, Anakin seemed to believe that he had the right to question Obi-wan like an errant child.
"I still out rank you," Obi-wan warned as Anakin gently took his rightful place at his side, eyes momentarily flicking to his own candles before resettling on Obi-wan.
"Only for a few more hours. Mourning your loss of authority?" Obi-wan snorted.
"I haven't had any authority over you since you were ten years old," he replied.
"Glad we both understand that."
"Shut up Anakin. Why are you up? When I checked on you earlier, you were asleep," Anakin looked down and gently picked at his sleeve, quietly sincere.
"Did you sleep the night before you became part of the Jedi Council?" He asked in reply. Obi-wan didn't deign that with an answer. Had Anakin not known it, he wouldnot have asked anyway. Obi-wan patted his knee.
"You'll do fine," he assured him, though a pang of sadness hit him. Despite the fact that Anakin had been an adult for well over a decade by now, the unwavering possessiveness of a parent never truly faded. "You had a magnificent teacher," Anakin chuckled softly.
"And who would that be?" he inquired. Obi-wan leaned back in his seat leisurely. This was a familiar and time worn game. Always used but never clichéd.
"I forget the poor chaps name. He must have a terrible many grey hairs though. You were the devil to train," he informed his former student sagaciously. He plucked a gray lock of former auburn hair to prove his point. Anakin smiled and leaned back too, so close that Obi-wan could hear the near silent whistle of his breathing and feel the warm pressure of his shoulder.
"I don't recall him either," he agreed with a yawn. "Doesn't matter though- he'll be around here somewhere, brooding on the past until morning. Then he will just be a pain in my…"
"We are in a sacred place, Anakin Skywalker."
Anakin crossed his ankles petulantly and smiled. "You know you want to laugh."
"Maybe The Council should rethink your promotion. You really are an idiot at heart."
"There, you see? That's why I can never remember your name," That made him boy -man- always had that effect on him. Obi-wan couldn't help but close his eyes against the faint candle light as a shiver wracked through him. Obi-wan inhaled deeply.
Soon, he knew, he would not recall any of this, not his masters, the Jedi, Anakin, the war or Sidious's imminent demise at the hands of his old friend. The past stirred cold winds today, it seemed. Almost immediately, Anakin pressed closer, trying to share his body heat though both knew it was impossible from where Obi-wan was.
He smiled. Now he remembered why they had promoted him. Anakin's compassion knew no equals, and his determination was not just stuff of legends but the setting example of epics."I'm not a child," he pointed out.
Anakin nodded and pressed a tender hand against his heart beneath the cloak. "No. You're my master. No matter what happens or how much time passes," he whispered. Obi-wan opened his eyes to see pure sincerity and affection in that of his old friends. He patted the fingers struggling to find a heartbeat fondly.
"At least until morning. I told you that you'd be a Jedi Master one day." He smiled. "You made it," he teased lightly.
Anakin let out a slow breath. "Yes," he agreed, a small light dancing in his eyes. He was proud too, but not egotistically. He was proud of the lives he had saved, the good he had sown in this galaxy. So much that it rivaled the great heroes of the Order. He was proud of the Light in him and how he had earned it.
Obi-wan was the one who was proud because Anakin was kriffing awesome.
And he felt it. Anakin chuckled softly as he turned to him. "You wouldn't be getting a big head over me, would you master Obi-wan?" he teased.
"You say it as if I didn't grow one the day you got your first lightsaber."
"Touche. Just so you know, I got one the day you became a Jedi Master," Obi-wan gave a small jolt as the memory clicked into place.
"Ah," he breathed, surprised. "So that's where this feeling comes from." Blasted. Had that really been so long ago? During the Clone Wars?Well, that's one good thing about this whole affair. I can't age because he hasn't aged.
"I heard that."
"Glad we both have our stories straight then." That caused an actual laugh. Anakin squeezed his arm.
"Ah, old friend. How's well…You know…. by the way?" Anakin glanced pointedly at Obi-wan's still chest as if that would finish his question. Silly boy. Obi-wan gave him a wan look. Anakin knew how much he despised talking things through.
"Honestly?" Anakin nodded. Nevertheless, he could never refuse him. That was the reason he had come today at Anakin's prompting, against his better judgement and the advice of a few like him.
"If the living see you, it will sap you of power. You'll lose your only link to them, and they will lose the ability to move on without you." Obi-wan could see the wisdom in those words as he gazed upon Anakin, but there was still a selfish part of him that desperately wanted to continue being Anakin's master and protector, to keep doing the job that Qui-gon had given him all those years ago.
"Train the boy."
Anakin was not the only one struggling to let go. "Boring. If my partner didn't still have responsibilities, I would have disregarded all orders contrary and dragged him off by now," he said, as one of the angels winked conspiratorially. He smiled at Qui-gon.
"You rebel," Anakin tsked. "I've corrupted you." There was some regret and lingering guilt in his tone. Obi-wan squeezed his hand and gently set it on the bench between them.
"I assure you, I was insatiably rebellious before I met you, Anakin," neither the guilt or regret left Anakin's expression or eyes, but he did smile a little bit to humor Obi-wan. The older man could have rolled his eyes. As if he couldn't see right through his old friend.
"And I'm the idiot at heart?"
"Don't mock my misery." They chuckled briefly together, savoring a friendship that had carried them through the Hells and over the high waters of several aquatic planets. It was a good feeling- the bond they had. As thick as fog and long as infinity, Obi-wan counted it as one of his most cherished possessions.
And now I have to leave him behind. "Obi-wan?"
He looked over to see Anakin's eyes staring deeply into the flames of the candles around. His face was etched in sorrow, like the angels above. "Are you… Can you be there for me again tomorrow?" He asked, quietly.
Obi-wan felt through the currents of the Force and discovered that it was nearly dawn. No wonder his memory had been so sketchy. Another day had passed. That meant his memories from this plain would grow foggier and foggier until the vanished altogether.
He squeezed the hand so tight he heard Anakin gulp. Oh, how I wish I could be here forever, my friend. But I cannot. "I am always here for you, Anakin. You know that," he replied calmly, knowing exactly where this train of thought had come from. Anakin nodded.
"I know. But master…." His voice cracked. "I… I'm afraid," he said, voice shaking slightly.
Obi-wan nodded. "I mean… I'm moving on. Without you. This entire year has been hard, but this…? Obi-wan, I do not know if I am ready for this."
"You mean to take my place on the council?" Anakin inhaled sharply.
"No one could ever…" He began, aghast, but Obi-wan silenced him with an upraised hand.
"Except you," he contradicted softly. Anakin turned his head away, towards the angel above them that had been created in Obi-wan's own image, an honor and tribute forever marked in the halls of the Jedi Temple. Obi-wan saw a tear trickle between the grooves on Anakin's face and suddenlynoticed the aged lines at the crooked corners of his sapphire eyes. It reminded him of valleys, grooved and seared deep into the heart of an untamed wild.
Nothing had ever been able to hurt him more than Anakin's tears. He wiped one away. "Anakin," he breathed. "You are wise and strong, and I am very proud of you," he murmured, repeating the last phrase he had spoken to Anakin that day. The day he had killed General Greivous and nearly been killed by his own troops. The Jedi temple had experienced no better upon his return. "You have become a better Jedi Knight than I could have ever hoped to be. Anakin…. You know I cannot return. You knew it or else you would not have come," Anakin ducked his head.
"It's my fault," he whispered huskily. "I never should have…" oh, enough of this. Reaching forward, Obi-wan grabbed Anakin's chin between two fingers and pulled it so that they could meet eyes.
"My friend, you are the Chosen One," he pointed out, as a lump formed in his own throat. Blasted why was it so hard to say goodbye? "You are. I have never seen it so clearly as I see it now. Your children are growing healthily in the Force, you have fairly reformed the Jedi Order," he smiled lightly as he recalled his old friend Bant finally accepting an offer of dinner from that Trandoshan today. Force, would they make an odd couple. "Ended a war-"
"You did that, technically."
Obi-wan snorted. "You brought Balance, Anakin. My life was worth it," another tear fell from Anakin's eyes. He shook his head slowly.
"Not to me," he choked. "Master, had you never…. I should have saved you."
"It happened a year ago, Anakin," he had tackled Darth Sidious a year earlier. On Mustafar where he and Anakin had tracked Sidious after Order 66 had nearly decimated their Order. Anakin had refused the lure of the Dark Side. As Luke ad Leia were brought into the world, Darth Sidious had raised a red blade above their father's defenseless head, about to extinguish his former apprentice. His brother …
"Train the boy. Promise me."
Obi-wan had seized Darth Sidious in a leap of thoughtless fear. They had both flown out of the window and had been hanging on by a thread of cable. Obi-wan could only remember Anakin screaming his name desperately, his own flare of frantic determination, and his final words to his former apprentice.
"Anakin, cut the rope. Now!" He had seen Anakin's eyes widen with shock at the request as he leaned out of the window, reaching out as if to pull them back in. But alongside Obi-wan was Sidious and if one survived the other would as well.
"Anakin. NOW!"
"You did the right thing."
Anakin shook his head and buried his face in his hands. "I was always terrified that one day I would lose you, and then to stand there and have to make that decision… I thought after the war the fear would stop but Obi-wan… It won't ever stop, will it?"
"Master!"
In the end, Obi-wan really should have thanked Sidious for it. Anakin would never have followed the directive on his own. It had taken the Sith's blind arrogance and malice for him to make the final decision.
Obi-wan… Or the galaxy.
I'm so proud, but still I have to let go.
Obi-wan smiled as dawn peeked. "My friend. Personally, I can promise you…. There is an end to fear. And struggle, and grief and hatred. There is an end, Anakin. And there is a reward greater than… Well. One day you'll see. You just have to take this first step."
"What are you waiting for, Anakin?" The Sith had cackled sarcastically. "Do it, then! Doom your beloved master to die alongside me! I will come back, for you, for Padme, for your Order and your republic and your CHILDREN! Do you hear me, Anakin? I will destroy your world!"
"You deserve this moment, Anakin. Please, have faith. Be strong. For me?" His former apprentice, so young and unchangeable, looked up and smiled slightly. The years of struggle still had grooves in him, and Force knew that he probably would never forgive himself for fulfilling his destiny by cinching Obi-wan's lifeline, but the former Jedi Master had learned in his brief time in the Force that forever….
Was a very short time indeed.
"Obi-wan!" He could hear Qui-gon calling, and knew that it was time to leave. He had a Universal life current to join, after all. He had an eternity of unknowing and being reborn to begin. As did Anakin.
It was time to let go.
"Now don't be late," he chided as he stood. Anakin did too a second later, quickly swiping at his tear. Obi-wan gently plucked a piece of stray dust from his cloak. The Force was a mighty tool, indeed. "Today is your big day. Not mine and not ours. Yours. You deserve it," he said.
Anakin, for once, was obedient. He nodded. "Yes, master."
"And don't cry," he was speaking to both of them now. "I'll always be here, Anakin. The Force is all around, and that is what I am now. We will never cease being brothers…" His voice wavered alongside his certainty. "Will we?" Anakin grabbed his forearms in a tight grip.
"Never," he whispered fiercely.
Obi-wan nodded, assuaged. "Good," he supposed. "Then by all means, go Chosen One." He gave Anakin a light push towards the door. "Go," he repeated softer this time when Anakin looked back over his shoulder at him.
"Obi-wan?"
"Are you still going through that insubordinate phase, Anakin? Because it's been ten years." Please, Anakin… Don't make this harder than it already is.
Anakin ignored his instinctive jibe. "I love you," he informed him, seriously. "More than I can say. If you forget everything else… Please try to remember that."
If Obi-wan could cry, he was sure he would have been by now, for all that his heart was near to the bursting point. The pressure built in his chest until he could hardly breathe. Not that he needed too anymore. Both of them knew that already Obi-wan's early memories had begun to fade. Soon, he would be stripped of individuality and memory. He would join the Force. Forever.
I'm not sure if I will have control over what memories I keep, he thought, though a few had. Like Qui-gon and Ahsoka. But they had both been very different Jedi than the one he had been when he died. Obi-wan nearly crumpled beneath Anakin's earnest gaze because he was not sure if he could…
"Don't say that master. You're the closest thing I have to a father."
He smiled as the Force whispered a soft reassurance that he should have already known. After all, The Light was love. "I don't have to remember," he told Anakin affectionately. "I can feel it," he pressed a hand to an unmoving-but still very much alive- heart. "Right beside the love I hold for you, brother. That will never be stripped," Anakin grinned and his sapphire eyes sparkled with satisfaction.
"Well then," he gave a small, respectful bow. "Until we meet again, my friend."
"I'll be waiting Anakin. Don't get into any trouble without me, eh?"
Anakin grinned over his shoulder, impishly and the sight made the lump of sorrow in Obi-wan's gut vanish. He smiled back.
"You know me, Obi-wan." And then his brother was gone in a quiet whoosh of power and pride. He would be inducted into the Jedi Council as a Master today. Obi-wan could not have been more proud.
He turned on his heel, no longer worried about the boy he had raised. He was a man now, and besides Obi-wan would always be his master. With a silent glance at the angels-
Look after him for me
-Obi-wan closed his eyes and vanished into the Force. Dawn had come...
Eternity was waiting.